Having a baby

[TLJ911]

Hey everyone - Not sure if anyone here can help, but thanks for listening.

I'm currently on PD and on the transplant list  - I actually just got listed for a paired exchange so no idea how long that will take. Anyway, I have a 2 1/2 year old son and my husband and I have always really wanted 2 kids. I want my son to grow up with a sibling and feel like he's really missing out if he doesn't have one. My transplant surgeon said it would definitely be possible to get pregnant and have a baby but I'd have to wait until at least a year after the transplant and we'd have to change all of my anti-rejection meds. That sounds scary - I really don't want to risk the kidney. Plus, even if we got pregnant right away when started trying our son would still be around 5 when his sibling was born, which is older than we had hoped. So we're down to surrogacy and adoption. Both are very expensive, but surrogacy costs about $100,000 (adoption is around $30,000) Neither has any guarantees that it will "work." We are lucky in that if we were really committed to it and made other sacrifices in our lives, we could probably afford either but surrogacy would definitely be a big stretch for us.

I called a few adoption places and they were all a little unsure of whether I could get an approved homestudy. You need to submit your medical records and show that you could parent the infant through adulthood. Some places require you to have a "normal life expectancy"  - which I can't say that I have. Then there's the question of whether a birthmother would even choose us (they have access to all of your medical info as well.) Plus, my husband is a little unsure of whether he wants the uncertainty of adoption - will the child have issues, what is in the family history (often drugs or psychiatric problems)

Surrogacy would get around these issues because it would be OUR baby from the start. But I'd have to take hormones and undergo an egg retrieval to create the embryos. I actually did IVF to conceive my son and I know it can be hard on your body. I'm not sure my doctor would approve and I'm not sure the transplant team would let me do it while I'm on the list for a kidney because what if one became available while I was in the middle of a cycle?

I see my neph again 6/10 and am going to bring it up and see what she recommends but thought maybe someone else had been in a similar situation. Either way she'd have to write a letter either saying it's ok to go ahead with an egg retrieval or that she recommends us for adoption so I feel like a lot of this in in her hands which is scary. I do really trust her and know that she is a brilliant doctor but do I want her deciding what's right for my family? At this point I just really want another baby.

Thanks for listening - any insight you can give would be helpful.

Terrill

[cdwbrooklyn]

TLJ911, it’s not impossible to have a baby while you are on PD.  Several women had children while on PD and in-center.  You will be at high risk but you can do it if you really want to have another baby.   Do not let anyone tell you, you can’t do it.  Now there are some issues you may have to face:  lost of fetus in the early stages, baby not coming out normal, losing the baby during your pregnancy, and early labor.  However, I heard that a lot of women that made this choice their babies came out okay.  However, most of the women did not have a full term pregnancy, their babies arrived early.   If you and your husband decide to have a baby right now, please try not to miss any treatments and be very selective of the foods you eat.

I wish you the best of luck and will be praying that you have a healthy baby.

Hope this helps.   

[Sydnee]

I have 4 kids. The first Gehlan and Alison are 2 3/4 years apart in age.  Alison and Johnny are 3 and a half years apart. And Johnny and Evey are 5 years apart. The 2 that are 5 years apart get along the best they play together all the time Ali and G do not get along well.
Just food for thought if you decide to wait and have your own.

And if in the end you end up only having the one remember you can "adopt" his friends. That's what my parents did I always had others kids around when growing up.

[justme15]

I am in a similar situation.  I'm 36 and don't have any kids. I would like to have one. but like you, I was told to wait until i have my transplant. who knows when that will be?! I may be 40 or older before i get one!  I have been thinking about adoption, but my husband isn't sold on that idea right now. I didn't realize surrogacy was that expensive! I guess that will be out of the picture.   it's very frustrating for me, as 95% of my friends have kids.

[TLJ911]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Justme - Best of luck to you. It sucks to be in limbo like this. I just want a transplant so I can get on with my life. The $100,000 quote for surrogacy was if you used an agency to find a carrier. If you know someone who could carry the baby for you like a sister or close friend, I think it's more like $60,000. At least those are the numbers around here in Boston - I'm sure other parts of the country may be cheaper. My husband has reservations about adoption too - they just don't have the same need for a baby - ANY baby.

[Riki]

There are 6 years between my brother and I, because my parents had trouble conceiving.  As the older sibling, I thought it was great.  I was old enough to help out.  When I got sick at age 12, he, at 6 years old, became my protector, and he still is.  He was my partner in crime when we were teenagers, and my fun loving, clean-the-apartment-till-it-sparkles-when-out-of-smokes roommate when we were in our 20s.  What I'm saying is, a 5 year age difference will not hurt your son any.  If anything, it will make for an easier time for you, since they will get along much better.