End of the rope!

[Angiepkd]

I have been watching this thread and trying to think of something inspiring to add to all these wonderful replies.  I tried to think back to a time when I felt like you do Geoff, and realized that it is always when I am feeling lousy, physically.  I can remember times when I just prayed to die peacefully in my sleep, so I didn't have to continue hurting and being a burden on my family.  There is so much guilt and shame that goes along with failing health, no matter what the disease.  That being said, my mental state always improves when I feel better. If you have been doing D in-center, I would bet that has a lot to do with your depression.  If you can do one thing before making your decision to stop D, please look into doing home hemo.  I am new to it myself, and this is my first week being home on my own, but I feel so much better both physically and mentally. It has given me a purpose, almost like a job. It sounds crazy, and it certainly doesn't help my finances, but it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something that not everyone can do.  My husband only attended 3 of the training sessions, and they were fine with that. He did have to be here for my first home treatment, but my nurse really wants me to be totally responsible for everything. He is only here to assist, if needed.  I think the most difficult part of the training was learning to insert my own needles, and you already have that part eliminated with your catheter.  Please consider waiting to make a decision until you have given home hemo a try.  Ask about the "experience the difference" program that others have recommended.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Best wishes no matter what you decide! 

[MooseMom]

So I've bottled up a lot and I'm not sure where to unload all my baggage.

IHD is the place to go to to unload baggage!

I'm working on my living will and my DNR on my own I understand you only need a witness and a notary.

Everyone should do this, no matter your health status.  This is one area where you can grab control.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am guilty of spending too much time reflecting upon what I've lost or what I don't have because of CKD, and I'm not proud of that.  It seems to be the way I am wired, and I often have to sit myself down and make the conscious decision to count my blessings, because there ARE a lot of those.  It is a skill that I have to practice.  You may be the same.  You may simply have to sit down and literally make a list of all the good things in your life that you appreciate.  I fight this particular battle every day.  I find it far too easy to slip into resentment and anger, and I become my own worst enemy.  Don't let this happen to you!  It's a crappy way to live, and the worst part about this mindset is that it robs you of even more happiness.  It's a terrible self-inflicted wound.

So as truly lucky as I am I can not seem to find that spark I used to have. Nothing really means much to me right now. I also can't help but to lament on how my life should have been. The only things on my mind are the bad things.

See above.  Oh, I am so guilty of this, and again, you have to fight each day to change your mindset.  This is where the battle is...the mind.  Chronic disease is a persistent enemy, and it's true target is your soul.  Renal disease sends your life out of control, but there ARE areas where we can fight to regain that control, and your emotional outlook is one of those areas.  We all know that depression is common, and when your mind is tired, your body is going to mirror that fatigue.

Maybe you can find something to intellectually stimulate you.  Can you find a new hobby?  One thing I did..I'd go to the bookstore/newsagent's and buy a magazine on a subject I knew absolutely nothing about.  I also started looking at DVDs from The Teaching Company about all sorts of topics such as "How to appreciate good music" and the Middle Ages.  Right now I'd watching a course on the history of world literature.  I like learning new stuff.  Maybe you could learn something new, and that might ignite that spark.

I know I need help. I fully realize that but then I'm sure I'll sacrifice the current benefits or future benefits.

I don't know what this means! 

I'm not happy and I know and feel like I project that on the people who are close to me. I push them away and when I do hang out with them they must feel like I'm a huge moody jerk. I don't know what to do or where to turn but I'm coping as best I can but not for myself more for my family. I'm slipping more and more into my shell I don't feel like doing anything.

The farther into your shell you slip, the harder it is to come back out.  I find myself doing the same thing, and once again, I have to make a concerted effort to change that mindset.  I push my husband away, and it is just self-destructive.  It's anger at the world made manifest.  I've told him that's what I do and that I'm really working hard to change it.  I find I really do feel so much better and so much closer to my family when I make the, again, conscious decision to just stop it and to reach out and let people help me in maybe just a small way.  It takes a lot of grace and self-confidence to allow someone to help you.

I feel like I should shut up and just be happy with the material things in life. But I long for something so much more. And I am unable to reach those things I want so badly. Just to be loved and cared for just for me not any other reasons and all of it seems so much out of my reach

Do you mean you wish to have a wife?  Is that what you want most?  Is it really an impossible goal?

I'm working hard at figuring out how to manage my feelings and how I should proceed with my feelings of no hope for change.

Life is full of changes.  It's hard to avoid change.  Many people fear it, but it happens anyway.  Why should you be innoculated from change?  The world is constantly moving, changing.  In a few years, portable artificial kidneys may be the road to freedom.  You have a lot to live for in this day and age of rapid changes in technology.  Dialysis is outdated and expensive and not really terribly efficient, and with people getting older and/or sicker, there is a desperate need for an alternative to dialysis.  I truly believe that this is the wave of the future and that it is not that far away.  Continue to work on how to cope with your feelings.  I get frustrated with anyone who tells me "you have to change your outlook" etc because I already KNOW that, thank you very much, it's HOW to do that that's the problem.  It's damned hard work.

I am always intrigued by stories you hear at the end of news programs, you know, the segments at the end that are occupied by "nice" stories.  People with huge obstacles in their lives somehow find the inspiration to do good.  I remember a local story of a man who'd been on dialysis for a billion years still volunteered at the local food bank or some such place, and I wondered how on earth he possibly could do that!  But if ONE person could find that spark, then that must mean that there IS a spark in the first place, you know?  I hope you find your spark.  I'm still looking for mine.  We won't remain sparkless forever!

[cariad]

So, when people started implying that this was becoming all about her (or all about anyone else BUT you), and when I saw lmunchkin express such regret for having possibly so mortally offended you, I deleted my posts in protest.

This was what set me off as well. There are many ways to offer support, and the way this offer was twisted around until it could be branded a selfish gesture was all it took to light my fuse. Geoff, you seem like a person who does not like conflict, so I'm sorry I was unable to ignore this and went for the "low road" as you might say. I spent years working on crisis lines and if they taught me one thing it is to be direct. It saves so much time and avoids so many misunderstandings. But I regret that it seems to have had the unwanted side effect of upsetting you, too.

Geoff, in addition for hunting for that passion that could make dialysis worth the effort, please try to resist the temptation to assume that you know what anyone else thinks of you. You feel that others must see you as a "huge moody jerk" but I would bet that is not true. I think the people closest to you know you have plenty weighing on you right now and they probably have no idea how to broach the subject or even if they should try.

I heard an interview with the man who wrote The Noonday Demon, an absolutely breathtaking book about depression, but very hard to read as it's, yes, terribly sad (one might even say depressing). He said that what helped him recover from his incredibly severe depression was "to be open to the love that was around me". When you recognize someone making an effort to be there for you, accept it. I always feared everyone would think I was such a drama queen for making such a big deal out of a little thing like kidney failure - because kidney failure was a little thing to me for most of my life. Quite the opposite happened and the outpouring of support was overwhelming. It was hard to allow people to help, but it actually strengthened our friendship in the end.

I know you're a bit gun-shy when it comes to relationships, too, but it really is true that if you cannot see yourself as good dating material, it will be almost impossible for women to see your good qualities. I look at your pictures and read your posts and see a handsome, intelligent, fun young man with all the compassion in the world. Right now a rough patch is causing you to lose sight of that. If you know it's time to stop dialysis, then of course we are all here for you, but I really hope you come out the other side of this with even more fight and courage than you've already shown.

[amanda100wilson]

depression can distort thinking so if you ever do decide 'enough is enough' i hope that you will address the depression first.  I have felt this way a few times, and in my case, this way of thinking always stems from depression.  I know not everyone agrees with medication for depression, it's not for everyone, but it works for me.  Since I believe that renal failure disrupts the chemical balance in the brain, it should be accepted, and treated like any other medical condition, and not have stigma attached to it, particularly in our situation. I remember telling a shrink, that I felt weak because I needed this sort of help and his reply to me was 'weak, with all that you have had to deal with?  you are one of the strongest people that I have met.'   some people find counseling helpful, others cognitive behavioral therapy.  I must admit that these only had limited success with me, but whatever works.  hope you will be able to get some help for your depression.  suggest you speak to your neph, dialysis nurse or social worker to get some help.