So Depressed

[Just Paul]

So I spend all day at home, I sleep a lot and am always tired, I have been signed off for months now with depression and right now I just feel incredibly lonely even though I live with my mum, who works only from 6am till 12pm so most of the time she is round me but I feel so utterly helpless all the time, I never go out as I have absolutely 0 spare money, I just sit at home all day every day and I am so so sooo very sick of being here, I want to go out and work, but I am tired all the time, I get headaches every day and even the fact that I am an uncle twice over brings me no joy at all, my brother... my donor never has any spare time for me, in the last year or so I haven't seen him for more then an hour at a time, I feel like he is only giving me his kidney as a duty because its his moral duty, and my sister I see every so often cause she lives 1 street away but she and her husband are looking at moving away and I don't drive so even when I get well enough to go see them I wont be able to because they are moving far away, so much so that because of my 0 spare cash situation I won't be able to do anything even if I were healthy enough to go there anyway. Now my dad... I cant remember the last time I actually spoke to him for something other then him enquiring after my health, I mean its nice that he calls me but he never visits, and I just feel that I am at the end of my tether I just don't know what to do any more...

I start HD in another 3 weeks time but what can I do until then? I think if something doesn't get done before that I might possibly go insane.

[MaryD]

Paul

Sad to hear you are feeling so down.  Hang in there till you start dialysis when you should feel physically a bit better.  Maybe then you will be able to get about a little more and look at working or getting involved in activities.

Hope you feel better soon.         

[Angiepkd]

Hang in there Paul! You only have a few more weeks to make it through and you should feel better. The last few weeks before I started dialysis were pretty miserable. I am going on week 6 and I feel almost like a normal person again.  I can't speak specifically to PD, as I do home hemo, but cleaner blood means feeling better. You can do it!  Hope time flies for you so you can regain some normalcy again.  Lots of experienced PD users on here, I am sure they will give you some better insight.   

[jbeany]

 

Hang in there!  A huge part of the depression you are feeling is likely the toxin build-up.  That part will get better.

You are also dealing with the huge life change that comes with starting D.  It's okay to be depressed about that, really.  We all had to mourn our lost lifestyle and our dying kidneys when we got to that point.

As for what to do until then...

Program an ipod, your phone, whatever, with several different playlists.  You are going to be stuck in a chair for hours at a time, and you will feel more comfortable with something to distract yourself. 
Organize a selection of books to read, games to play, movies to watch if you have a lap top.  Get a lap throw, a comfy pillow, a tote bag for carrying it all, and anything else you might want for comfort, like headphones, sleep masks, etc.

How much do you know about the lab work and the meds?  www.kidneyschool.org has lots of useful info.  The more you know, the faster you can get the best treatment possible.  Remember, the first month can be physically rough, so if you know the information before you start, it's easier to figure out what they are doing and what can be done to make it better.

Check into the chat room on here, or any other chat room you enjoy.  Connecting electronically isn't a perfect substitute for face to face meetings, but it's a lot better than talking to yourself...

Hold on, it's going to get better!

[Bajanne]

I just have to repeat what the others have been telling you.  HANG IN THERE!! It will get better.  I am glad that you realize that you are free to vent as needed.  You are in a place with people who understand what you are going through.  My caring thoughts and prayers are with you all the way.

[MooseMom]

Pre-dialysis sucks.

Other IHDers have given some really good suggestions.  Be kind to and patient with yourself. 

[chiromac]

I really understand the feeling of being trapped in your own home.  All I can say is life can get better, it just takes time.  It will get better.

[Poppylicious]

Where in England are you (roughly)?  Now the sun is coming out (at least, it is here in East Anglia; I ate my lunch with the patio door open ... such a novelty!) could you go for a short walk (if you have the energy)?  When I was suffering from depression (not kidney related) and signed off work I found that just getting out to people-watch, or feed the ducks, or gaze at the swirly water by the river, made me feel a little less foggier and a little more peaceful. 

I can't really add to the advice you've been offered, but just know that we're here if you need to vent/whinge/grumble/shout/tell a joke ...

*huggles*