this weekend i got ANGRY...

[tiredandthirsty]

at my situation as i am currently intermittently going through this phase of "why am i doing this?".  what's the point? i have zero life. i haven't done the "deed" in such a long time (seriously, this is not a joke as i was pretty active before).  these type of useless and counter productive thoughts.

so i got super angry opened up an ice cold bottle of water and just chugged it.  now i can feel it in my stomach.  i am afraid i am going to be over the 3 kg limit tomorrow at weigh in.  i have tried to be compliant with the 3 kg limit religiously.  but with the current feeling in my stomach, i am almost certain i over did it this weekend. 

has anyone ever done this? encountered such feelings?  chugged an ice cold bottle of water?  what do you do to get these bloody thoughts out of your head?  these thoughts have especially escalated since i got that freaking email from HR (there's another thread about it titled "A work conundrum...out of nowhere"). 

[jeannea]

For me it's not chugging water - it's lots of ice cream. I wish I had good advice. Sometimes all you can do is scream and cry or whatever. This whole thing sucks and is so unfair. I'm so sorry. Try to do something that is comforting to you. And try to get some rest. 

[kitkatz]

I get angry alot over dialysis.  It is okay.  I have chugged drinks because I did not care at the time. 
Just remember you will be back at D tomorrow.  SIgh.

[tiredandthirsty]

Just remember you will be back at D tomorrow.  SIgh.

this thought right here is what is mentally harassing me 

[tiredandthirsty]

thanks for your responses lady and gentleman. 

the bigger question i had was what are some tips/strategies everyone employs to pull yourself out of this damaging through process.  i feel like just quitting everything, live whatever life i have remaining to the fullest eating drinking whatever i want and just "head on" to the next life. 

[Leanne]

Yep, sure have.  More than once!  It seems like a cycle that goes round and round for me.  Bouts of trying as hard as I can and then periods of saying screw this because its too hard.  Usually I will stew a while in my own pity and then list all the reasons I still want to be here.  Sometimes it works more than others.  My son is ten and that is a huge motivator for me.  Make a pro and con list.  I have done that too.  Hugs...

[cdwbrooklyn]

Yes, life is a little difficult for us; however, we can do what we want as long as we have a positive attitude.  Your thinking is normal because you are dealing with something different.  You have to find acceptance and only than will you find peace.  There are things you can do.  You may have to adjust your life style but you will get the hang of it. Please stop saying you don’t have a life anymore.  There are people who are living happy lives while on dialysis.  You can do it as well. You have to think in a more positive way.  Okay, you got a note from HR.  You have to find a way to handle it. If you still want to do your traveling job, there are other ways to dialyze. Don’t let dialysis get you down.  You do not live to go on dialysis; you are on dialysis to live your life.  Take it one day at a time and start searching for that job that will fix you or find other things that will make you happy.  You are only limited as much as you allow yourself to be limited.  There are some things we may not be able to do but there are a whole lot of things that we can do.  Positive thoughts positive energy – you have to accept what is in order to live happy on dialysis until you get your transplant.

[big777bill]

 If there was a like button on here I would push it for your comment cdwbrooklyn! 

[kit78]

After I am done with getting mad or crying my eyes out I either get lost in a good movie or turn up the volume on some good routy music.  I am single and live alone and would just love to have some new friends to chat with by phone as that helps sometimes as well. But I do not seem to be making any headway in that department.  LOL    So crank up the tunes and let it ride.   Sending you love & light.

[Lexxtech18]

I am going through the same feelings as you, dear tiredandthristy. This whole month (my birthday month nonetheless  ) has been horrendous. In the past, when I would get upset and I was living on my own, I would go out, get drunk, eat pizza and come into dialysis 4 or 5 kilos over. The techs knew it was a bad weekend then. lol But now that I live at home with my folks, I can't really do those things anymore. Besides eat pizza... cuz I love pizza.  And now that I'm no longer on my own, I don't seem to have any as many friends or opportunities to go out. Which sucks, cuz a girl needs to let loose sometimes. >.> So because I'm unable to get it all out, I've been holding it in and have become very depressed and reclusive.

Anyway, I get what you're saying. It's a frustrating lifestyle that you did not choose to lead. None of us did. I wish I could give you better advice but I am just learning to deal with things, myself. But I can be here to support you in your time of need. I hope that helps a little. 

[Riki]

You're allowed to go off the deep end once in a while.. I think everybody does at some point.  The main thing is, that when you're done, you pull yourself back into the swing of things.  As long as you're doing things like drinking water or eating ice cream, and not jumping off a bridge, i think you're fine

[tiredandthirsty]

thank you all for sharing your stories/experiences and responding.  i really appreciate it.

i actually ended up with a weight of 2.7 kg yesterday at the clinic! i was surprised because i was sure i went over with downing the bottle water.  i was just starting to feel a bit better and then i had the bloody call with HR today.  that's in another thread.  so i am back to square one.  i am totally down with disability and rest and taking care of myself, but as i mentioned previously i am the sole provider of my house and i am a bit stressed out about how i am going to do all this. 

[Lexxtech18]

Are you living alone? or with family? Sorry if you already explained this earlier, I must not have caught it. If you're living alone, is there a possibility of roommates? Or a lower cost housing?... If your work is giving you trouble, do you have intermittent FMLA to help with sick days/doctor's appointments? I have much experience with my work giving me troubles about my dialysis, maybe I can help.

[tiredandthirsty]

hi lexxtech18,

no i don't live alone. my mum and dad live with me (he is currently out of the country and will not be able to come back anytime soon).  they don't have any sort of income so i basically take care of their expenses as well.  which is not much at all.  and i have no problem taking care of them.  it's just that going on disability will decrease my paycheck (of course they will not pay me 100% forever) significantly and i may not be able to support them.  my mum takes great care of me and i rely quite a bit on her to help me out with my stuff.  all these thoughts are my biggest concern and i can't find a way out.  hopefully something pans out.  i could use a break.   

[geoffcamp]

I hear you loud and clear man!!  I've been doing this for 15 years and he'll yes I get pissed from time to time. Sometimes I indulge. I need it!!  Sometimes it makes me feel a bit worse for the wear sometimes not. I look at it this way you have to live a little!!  Sometimes I ask to take me under my dry weight for a weekend or just a day to cut loose a little. I'm not saying this is for everyone but for me it keeps me sane!!  Two red bulls sure why not!!  I've also found if I exercise enough to get a good half hour sweat regularly I can drink more. It's easy down here in hot florida to break a good sweat just taking a good brisk walk!!  I don't really know your situation so it may not be possible for you, only telling you what I do right or wrong. My labs are great but there are times when I'm over 3 kilos. Especially around the holidays!!LOL!!  I hope you can figure out a balance that works for you!!  Good luck man!  G.

[tiredandthirsty]

thank you geoffcamp for your response.

i totally agree with you.  that bottle chugging of ice cold water did indeed feel good :-).  i have been doing this for 9 months now and this is the first time i have found myself on this trough.  i have managed to keep my labs in check as well so far.  hope it stays the same way and hope it all stays great for you as well. 

I am just a little bit above you in the South East, but it is a bit too cold these days and rainy, dreary weather.  can't go out much.  once i get on disability (which is now almost inevitable since my company no longer wants to carry me) i plan to put in a massive effort at the gym to try and gain the weight back that i have lost in the past two years.  22 lbs.  need to get at least some of it back :-).

thanks once again for sharing your story and hope all remains well with you forever.

[geoffcamp]

THX!  Yea since I've been on dialysis I've lost a lot of muscle weight. I'm about 6'2" and was about 210 now I'm around the 180 mark. I am not allowed to lift weights because I have a catheter in because all my accesses have clotted. I went to the gym every other day for years but when I tried it with the cath it almost came out!!  So docs said no lifting over 20 pounds!  Yea right try that!! HA. So I walk run and do isometric exercise now but still way too skinny!!  Good luck to you as well and remember you HAVE to live a little!!!  ENJOY!!