putting on a happy face

[Grumpy-1]

there is a post from Gothiclovemonkey about wanting to quit - that this last week was bad in a number of ways and even with a small son, she was wanting to call it quits.  There was a number of outstanding replies from Monrein, MooseMom, Jeannea and Jbeany (plus others) that made me start thinking about me and all the rest of us suffering from kidney failure and/or other ailments.    I didn't want to post this as a reply to Gothiclovemonkey, so I've started this post.  I hope both those suffering, the caregivers, friends and family that read posts here will take a minute to read.

I think all of us rather we are the patient, the caregiver or ?  have the basic urge to hide our feelings behind a mask of happiness.  I know that most of the folks I work with don't know of the issues I have and for them when they ask how I'm doing is the reply is "just fine thanks".  For others I may divulge a bit more and say I'm feeling down today or not quite right today.  But I'm really masking over my real feelings of physical aches and pains and the mental frustrations that comes with kidney failure and D.  I think that most of us do this all the time and it is OK to some extent as we don't want to be label as whiners and trying to push our feelings onto others.  But there are times when we need to let go and just let our feeling out - either by ourselves or to someone that understands.  Not that they could do anything about it, but just to be there.  If you have someone like that take advantage of that and rid yourself of your griefs and frustrations every so often.  It is like D getting rid of the toxins - it get rid of the build up pressures of dealing with your pains.

Don't keep it in like Gothiclovemonkey says she does.  It is not good for you, your family or friends.  It serves no purpose.

You don't need to wear that happy mask all the time.  It is OK to sometimes be sad, frustrated, angry, to cry, to yell, to scream.  It is OK to be you.  You didn't ask for this in your life, you don't need to be happy about it all the time.  Each of us must deal with this in our own ways.  We need to find that middle ground between complete sorrow and complete joy.  We need to take control of our lives, our feelings and not let the need to put on a happy face to the world rule our feelings.

Unless you are suffering from kidney failure and living with D, you can't know what it feels like.  Just as I can't know what my wife felt during child birth. I was there with her and saw the pain, the joy and all that, but will never know how she felt.   This holds true with all things, we don't know what others are feeling.

It is OK to feel down, depressed, angry and frustrated about things in your life, but you need to let go of those feelings - flush them from your thoughts as soon as you can or they will take hold and continue to bring you down into dispare.  If meds help, take them, if going to a counselor helps - go if going into your back yard and screaming your head off and crying like a baby works - then do it.  What ever it takes to push the bad feeling away works - do it.  Don't hold them in.

There is one more thing I've learned from this site.  "Give support to someone else."   Not sure where it originated, but saying "it is better to give than to receive" comes to mind.  It seems we are all happier if we can help someone else.  On this site, take a few minutes and post a reply to someone that needs a bit of support, a bit of understanding, a bit of love.  You will benefit from it as well as helping someone else.

Enough ramblings from a old grumpy man.   

[Arcticat2000]

Well said Grumpy. Matthew Modine said something in the movie Full Metal jacket that always seemed to stick in my mind. "The dead know only one thing, that it is better to be alive." I for one am going to battle this disease as hard as i can. Hope i didn't offend anyone.

[MooseMom]

Brilliantly put, Grumpy.

One thing I have learned is that most people have some enormous obstacle in their lives.  It might be chronic illness, substance abuse, unemployment, a bad marriage, a crazy kid...it could be anything! 

It's fine to put on a "happy face" when you deem it appropriate to do so.  We all like and need a modicum of privacy.  But we all need to show ourselves some mercy, too, and try hard not to add unnecessary burdens to ourselves.

I am often struck, though, by how many people feel they MUST hide their situation out of fear of, well, I dunno...fear of exposure, of pity, of thoughtlessness, of prejudice.  I guess I'm just not wired that way; I blather, and I am glad because I have learned a lot from a lot of people.  Just last week, I wanted to buy a new shampoo because I believed that all of the drugs I'm taking makes my hair look funky.   So I went to the drugstore and was looking at the plethora of hair products, and two ladies came over to me and asked if I needed any help.  I usually say, "no, thanks", but on this occasion, I DID need some advice.  I spilled my whole story, and it turns out that one of the ladies had had FIVE brain surgeries and was very well versed in what major surgery and drugs can do to a girlie's hair.  We spent a good fifteen minutes talking shampoo, and it was FUN!  I learned a lot, and I got to share in someone's personal life story which was a whole lot scarier than mine!  And none of that would have happened if I had kept my "secret".

I have three of four stories just like this, and I've often thought about starting a thread about the good things that can happen when you take a leap of faith and open up to people.

Plus, I got some really great shampoo.

Arcticat, far from offending anyone, I admire your tenacity.

[jeannea]

Thanks for the post. There have been a lot of really sad people here lately. I feel for them. It's important for everyone here to feel that their feelings are normal. We don't have to pretend all is perfect when it's not.

[SugarBear]

I cannot overstate the benefits I have received from group therapy with other patients.  I am the only one in the group with kidney failure, but I am always surprise at how many similar symptoms we all share.  Some patients have MS, Lupus, or cancer, but we all can relate to each others struggles and pain.  I hate to say it but the term "misery loves company" comes to mine when I think how the therapy group relates to each other.  Though we would wish none of us were ill, we can appreciate the benefit of being there for each other.

[MaryD]

I guess I'm just not wired that way; I blather, and I am glad because I have learned a lot from a lot of people.

Me too. Not only have I learnt a lot but it can spread the word about kidney disease.  Also some people have not wanted to infringe my privacy and can be glad to talk if I start the conversation.

[Whamo]

I want to quit dialysis every time I approach the last 10 minutes on the chair.  I seem to cramp more often than not at the end.  But I hang in there because the day after dialysis, without dialysis, can be so much better.  Last night I went to a minor league baseball game with a college buddy.  We sat next to a major league coach, and it was fun chatting with him.  It was an Angels/Dodgers Single A game, and those kids made some great plays.  They make big money -- $800 a month -- information which the scout shared with me.   We sat next to the dugout for $10, and the cheerleader dancing above us had great legs.  It's so much better, and cheaper, than a major league game. 

[brenda seal]

Grumpy , I don't think you are grumpy after all .
At present I am using this site to unload and I am a little hesitant now even to do that as I always seem to be posting negative things . Laurie and I have four grown up children and I see myself as the glue - if you like  - that is keeping everything together Right now . The kids are all very worried and upset as we had such high hopes that dialysis was going to make Laurie so much better and improve his quality of life but alas it just has not happened . After six months things have gone from bad to worse and his condition seems to be getting worse . After his collapse at the fruit market a few weeks ago  ( the cause of which seems to be another mystery ) he has only been out of the house to keep medical appointments . The neph actually said it would be very unwise for him to go out alone . I watch him each day battling to stay cheerful and positive and some days it is just too difficult and he takes refuge in tears of despair  . If I gave in to it also - then how would that help ?  I cry with him sometimes as I try my hardest to console him and every one knows how worried I am but I HAVE to stay focused on not allowing anyone to give up . I dare not look into the future and concentrate on what I have to do today . Do you know with all the medical professionals Laurie sees  - Not once has anyone asked him how he is coping with all of this ! If no one asks him there is not much chance anyone is going be concerned with how I am coping !
I will continue to hope and pray that tomorrow or the next day will be better for him .
Laurie's brother has not been part of his life for some time now and I did try and contact him  just so he could give Laurie some much needed moral support . His wife told me I had a victim mentality and that I just need to accept my lot in life and get on with it as they do ( they have a disabled daughter -I have the utmost admiration for the way they look after her ) . I am reluctant now to talk about our situation outside of my own children and even to them I play things down .
So , thank you to all the members of IHD for listening and helping and I do try and help others if I can . Thank you again .
Brenda

[st789]

Thanks for all the wisdoms...

[Home hemo]

If I gave in to it also - then how would that help ? 

I think this is how I felt taking care of my husband.

Also, when he would get really depressed and angry, I sometimes would tell him, "You deserve to be angry and depressed, but I can't let you.  I can't let you do it to yourself.  I can't let you do it to me."  It seemed to shake him out of it, to realize how it was affecting me, or maybe just to appreciate that his life did affect someone else, did matter.

Maybe the gal who said she kept it all in was trying to keep herself in control, too, to prevent total breakdown?  Maybe there's an edge you can go over that's hard to come back from?  Maybe there's a fine line between venting (about the idiot nurse or the horrible thing the doc said or how nobody really gets it) vs. becoming truly angry and depressed?

[Poppylicious]

Enjoyed your post Grumpy.  GLM has proven that this is a brilliant place for support simply because she can open up when she comes here and doesn't have to put on that brave and happy face she feels she has to show to the rest of the world; this makes us invaluable in my eyes. Whether she (or indeed anybody) gets the correct support and advice, or adheres to it, is another matter entirely, but for people who do tend to bottle things up it's a good first step into opening up.

I am often struck, though, by how many people feel they MUST hide their situation out of fear of, well, I dunno...fear of exposure, of pity, of thoughtlessness, of prejudice.  I guess I'm just not wired that way.

On behalf of those of us who are wired that way can I point out that - whatever our personal situation is - we don't necessarily feel we MUST 'hide' it due to fear.  Sometimes it really is purely because we are wired that way.   

 

[MooseMom]

On behalf of those of us who are wired that way can I point out that - whatever our personal situation is - we don't necessarily feel we MUST 'hide' it due to fear.  Sometimes it really is purely because we are wired that way.   

 

Then good for you!  But there are too many people who ARE afraid and who feel that, to be socially acceptable, they MUST hide themselves away out of a fear of being a burden or of not being "fun".  THOSE are the people that concern me.