I Am Back After a Short Vacation to Nowhere

[Bub]

I havent been to IHD in a while.I guess I really have nothing to post.  My dialysis sessions just keep plugging along keeping me alive, but lately without much joy.  Lets face it, I am pretty much miserable.  My depression seems to be returning after a long respite.  I am also getting weaker as every month goes by.  I am quitting my job and taking disability in July.  Just cant do it all anymore.  I feel like I am on a down hill slide.  Afraid of whats at the bottom.  I know I need to pull myself up by my boot straps, but Jimminy thats hard to do.  I have tried to get in to see my personal care doc about my antidepressants, but its two month wait.  Oh well, just stopped by to say hello!

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

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[cariad]

Bub, I am really sorry to hear this. It is really, really hard to pull oneself out of depression, so don't try to do it alone, and please don't convince yourself that it is just a matter of trying harder.

Two months is a really long wait to see your GP - I am assuming that is what you meant by "personal care" doctor. You shouldn't have to suffer that long. Do you have a therapist that you can at least talk to and discuss ways to focus on something other than dialysis?

I have always heard that it is not a great idea to have a GP manage antidepressants. It is just too delicate of a balance that needs to be struck. Can you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist? They will certainly know more about your options, and if you're going to wait two months, it may as well be for a specialist. If you do have a counselor, he or she could recommend a decent psychiatrist, because oh, there are some jerks lurking out there.

I hope we'll see you around more. Your sense of humor always makes me smile.

[okarol]

Hey Bub!
I have missed you. I am sure others have too.
If you ever want to talk - please let me know. PM me for my phone number.
This is a tough life but it seems like you could get better results. The depression is "normal" given what you're going through, but it can be worse if you feel hopeless.
I hope you can meet with your neph or GP and find a way to improve your quality of life. We want you around a long time!
 

[tyefly]

Hey   Bub........   good to see you back posting again........   we all get lost from time to time...... I too get lost........  Its nice that we can still come here and people willl understand......  My husbund thinks that Iam one of the lucky ones...... being able to Do dialyisis....and at home......I was watching some programs a few nights ago  on the history of  polio and TB........  I am telling you   after seeing all of that  and doing alittle research on Dialysis in the 60's and 70's  ( which was all that long ago..)   I feel reall lucky to be able to live today........  I cant believe the camps that they put people in who had TB and Polio........  I can understand  the containment  but  what a terrible life.......   We do have life good compared to others in the past....... So keep your head up......  and enjoy what you can while you can....make everyday count.......  we love hearing from you..........

[peleroja]

Sorry you're having so many problems.  I hope you get out of your depression soon cua there's a definite link between depression and quality of life on dialysis.  Hang in there; you always have us.

[billybags]

Bub, sending you lots of hugs, don't give up mate. Dont let this bloody crap get you down.,

[brmoore]

Hi Bub:
    What's really depressing is having to wait 2 months to see your doctor when you have an
immediate need. Two months can seem to be an eternity when you are depressed.
     Hang in there.

[monrein]

   I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling since at the very least you now know that there are folks out here who care.  Being down is awfully hard to take and it's harder to take by oneself.
I think you should call your doctor's office again and let them know that you're really in a bad place and you'd like to discuss the situation with someone before it takes more of a hold.  Is there a social worker at your clinic who might be able to help at all?

I'm hoping for better days for you Bub and please come here any time you feel you need someone(s) to listen.   

[Dianejt]

 
Step a little closer Bub we are here for you. Please let it out, we will listen.

[aharris2]

Hi Bub, welcome back 

When depression is getting the best of you, you need to go to a psychiatrist. They are the experts in the field and they will be much more creative with dosages and combinations than a PCP. Maybe you can get a referral for and/or appointment with one sooner than two months.

In the interim, what about your other docs? Perhaps your nephrologist would be willing to prescribe/change your antidepressants? But do see a psychiatrist for a difficult depression.

Good luck Bub and, like others have said, we are always here for you.

Alene

[kitkatz]

Keep keeping on going.  Things will begin to brighten.

I tell myself this everyday as I struggle with the same things you do.

[paris]

I was glad to see your post Bub.         I wish I had a magic wand to make the dark thoughts go away.  Every time I think I am dealing so well with everything, I suddenly feel overwhelmed and down.  Keep coming here and sharing. It does help.  I don't like people to tell me to "shake it off" or "be grateful". In that moment, I am miserable and need to hear that it is ok to feel miserable.  I get better and perk back up and life goes on. 

Tyefly - you mentioned TB. My Dad had TB in the 50's and he was sent to a Sanitarium for over a year.  We could stand on the lawn and see him in a screened in porch, but that was it.  It was horrible for him, my Mom and all 5 kids.  They could never do anything like that now.  We have advanced and I am glad for the progress we have made in many medical areas. 

Now, someone make a good artificial kidney -- one that is practical and efficient. 

[Bub]

The talk of TB and a sanatorium brings back such sad feelings for me.  My dad went in a sanatorium at age 13 and spent most of his life there, finally losing the battle in his late 50's.  I too can remember standing on the manicured lawn, waving at dad in the window of the second floor just before he died.

I have dreamed of my dad, each time seeing him at the sanatorium.  In my most recent and most vivid dream he came to me while I was sitting on a park bench on the grounds.  He ask me if I was alright and if I wanted to go with him.  This scared me awake, and I have often wandered what would have happened if I had gone with him?
Sorry, I guess I am being ridiculous now.

Thanks for all the support.  It really means something when it comes from people who have an idea of what I deal with.  I get alot of support from friends at work but most of them have no idea at all about what I deal with each session.  And if I can rant just a moment, but it seems like on days when I feel the worst, friends will invariably walk up and comment on how well I am looking.  I generally just keep my mouth shut as I dont want a reputation of a big whiner (even though I am).  My depression has always been very cyclical so I will probably be feeling better by the time I see my doctor next.  I may just break down and get an appointment with a mental health care professional, but the darn insurance I have covers only 50% of those kinds of charges.  But I will have medicaid by next month so maybe their coverage is more.

I am rambling, but thanks guys!

[jdwills83]

Bub,

It's ok to be feeling what you are feeling, but life is worth living so make it YOURS.

STAY BUSY!  Is there any support groups in your area that you can attend? Is there anything you can do to make you some extra money? Like...list stuff on ebay? start an online store? organize a family yard sale?

I always end up calling my family when I am down and out...usually when I go out for a walk for some fresh air.

so GET BUSY! SET A GOAL!

[galvo]

Some recent knockbacks have flattened me too, Bub. No advice, mate. The only thing that helps me is the love and companionship of my animals.