How do you help a person like this WARNING RANT!

[bette1]

I have a cousin who is my age and a type O and is always offering to give me a kidney.  Sounds great, except she is a terrible alcoholic.  I can deal with her not giving me a kidney, but what I can't deal with is her calling me all the time complaining about her life.  She knows that I don't work so she sometimes calls me 3 times a day.

I want to give her support but sometimes I really resent her.  It's really hard for me to feel sorry for her.  I know that she has a disease, and I honestly would not want to be in her shoes, but what am I supposed to say?  I try to get her to feel grateful for her kids, her hubby, the fact that she doesn't have to work... but it doesn't help.  She is just terribly unhappy.

It's gotten to the point that I don't even pick up the phone half the time because she is either drunk or calling to complain.  Last week she kept calling  about how stressful it was to pack to go on vacation.  Really???  She kept inviting me, but how the hell am I going to just pick up and go to St. Martin?

I could just strangle her sometime.  GRRRRR!

Now I feel better...

[Sunny]

Alcoholics can be very hard to deal with, especially when you have love for them.
Since she is not your immediate family, I suggest not taking her calls for a while and maybe she'll get the hint and do her "drunk dialing" somewhere else. As long as you tolerate it, she will take advantage. Of course, the best case scenario is her getting the help she needs, but only she can make that decision. I know what it's like. I have very close family members dealing with alcoholism. The one I loved most, I forced into doing something about it. It took over a year of wearing this person down for them to finally admit they had a problem and to do something about it. Don't become a codependent by allowing her to use you. It will wear on you and cause harm to your own health.

[RichardMEL]

Very difficult specially when her problems (packing for vacation is something to whinge about??? to St. Maarten? I wanna visit the topless beach by the airport runway......  ) - it's that much harder when you have your own issues, dialysis etc to deal with, and someone who is just bugging you doesn't understand what your problems are, and the alcohol really doesn't help.

I agree to perhaps try to not take her calls. It's tough when she's family.

It's nice to offer a kidney but if she is a alcoholic then it's doubtful that she'd be accepted as a donor at this point. I wouldn't take that into consideration really. Do what you have to do for you.

[bette1]

I love my cousin, but you guys are right.  She is totally oblivious to me and my issues.  It just hit me. 

[Jean]

As long as you have caller ID, simply do not answer the phone. Dont feel guilty about that tho, I have a friend like that who some how manages to call when I am making dinner, same time, every time. Should have figured it out by now, but no. Its your phone, you pay for it, its your time, and you dont have much, so just let it ring.

[sullidog]

I have determined that people who do that to me just want my attention, and as long as I give it to them, they will know where to get it.
Troy

[Ang]

screen  your  calls

[jennyc]

i found that some people are genuine in their offers to donate and others just use it as a means to have control over you (guilt trips). you need to look after yourself, the last thing you need is more stress

[kellyt]

I don't have any advice, but want to show my support for you anyway.  It's good you realize she has a disease, but I understand your frustration.  I have a friend you used to drink far more than he does these days and back in the 90's when I lived alone he would call me at 12:30 a.m. or later almost every night.  Even though I had to work in the morning I would always answer his call.  I felt pitty for him and disgust for him at the same time.  He's in a much better place now with his drinking and his life and I hope our late night talks helped him in some way.

You just keep yourself healthy so you can get the transplant you need.   

[lunadatura]

If you are really close with you cousin you might consider gathering family together for an intervention. Other than this I would flat  out tell your cousin why you will no longer take her calls and then do exactly that. I once confronted a friend about his drinking and he later told me it was the begggining of him getting sober. Honesty is the best policy with drunks - this from a counseling professional who works in the field

An intervention involves helping the person access professional treatment - having a person say with a relative is a not an intervention - altough it might be a supportive sober environment after or secondary to professional help

[bette1]

Update - my Mom is going to visit her and have a sort of intervention.  She says that she wants help.  We've offered her to come to stay my mom for awhile to see if that will help.   I am not going down with my Mom.  I can't handle the stress.  I am very hopeful that this will help her. 

[Dianejt]

My older Brother, whom I love dearly, has relapes after 17 years of being sober. He has been in & out of rehab for over a year. He also calls when drunk. Three weeks ago, right after my husband came home from having a huge surgery, he called saying how upset he was over Franks condition & thinking he wasn't going to "make it".   I told him I loved him & was sending him hugs but I could not deal with his condition any more, I need to deal with my hubby & put my energy into healing him. He cried & said he understood.  He went into rehab the next day & has been sober since. Weather or not it has helped him I don't know but I must say after I told him this it has made me feel better. We cannot change them or their problems, we can only change how we deal with the alcoholic. I feel such a great weight taken off my shoulders. Tell her you cannot deal with her stuff, you need to let it go & not drag you down.