It COULD get worse

again, kitkat, what I had posted the deletion of which bothered you. hope it makes you happy as seeing it again certainly makes me feel a lot worse and closer back into depressioin.

Am I going to get fired? Does today, tomorrow or yesterday matter?

Last week this pushy technician from my unit changed my goal for fluid removal. I had gained weight. My nurse said it was actual weight gain and I could stand only 1.5 to 2 liters of removal so she set it for 1.8. (The dietician just tells me to EAT. Anything but eat. I try. So I did gain weight.) The tech comes by and says this is ridiculous and moved the goal up to 3. Midsession I started the cramps, etc. and as usual, at that time the techs were all gossiping or on a break or just not there. I hurt all weekend.

Then Thanh, the nurse, turns the machine the next time so that I can see what is going on. I want to learn and I want to see. This tech asked what that was about. I told her and she said I wouldn’t understand it anyway so she turned it back. Pissed me off yet I said nothing.

The nurse can’t spend a lot of time with an individual. After all, she has 11 other patients at any given time. I never see the tech except when she puts me on and four hours later when she takes me off – unless she is pissing me off.

I carry lots of junk with me (computer, etc.) so the nurse will sometimes wave me to come in once the chair is ready. On this particular day, the tech referenced above said if I kept coming in early and rushing here she’d see to it I was the last person put on the machines and taken off. Pissed me off.

Well, last Friday the nurse (who is unfortunately a friend – unfortunate in that being a NONO.) Told me to talk to the scheduling nurse and request another tech. She said this one was rude to her too and she didn’t like how she’d been talking to me. The nurse made a call to the scheduler who was supposed to come by with her boss (but never did).

My doctor comes early in my session every Monday. Somehow the tech had reported beforehand that I was unhappy with what was going on. The doctor comes by and immediately starts on possible alternative treatments for me. Have I thought about Home Hemo (yes I had but I don’t have the required support at home)? How about PD? It isn’t for me for various reasons. Did we stop pursuing the transplant option? (I haven’t filled out the papers yet and I’m too old for other than cadaver and I don’t really think I want to go through it – being alone and without family, etc.). Shouldn’t he be considering how I’d fair the best rather than what makes technicians happy? He’d already at an earlier date said either this or a transplant.

Then I told of some of my complaints. Choking and not being able to get water from my techs. Being promised button holes for ages and self training.

My thought? Is he getting ready to “fire” me because I am confrontational? Once before they’d asked me to come in the morning. I got there and was told there was no chair so I had to wait an hour. I was pissed and raised a little stink. They got me a chair. Another time I was sitting by Roy (rest his soul) and his screaming, etc. was getting to me. I asked to have another chair. I got it. I guess that is all confrontational. Maybe it is my personality. On this site even, I’m accused to starting things when I had not such intention at all. And of saying things that never came out of mouth (or off my keyboard). Is it my fault?

Thanh did tell me yesterday that I was to start Buttonholes immediately and she was going to do it. Wonderful except she is going to Tanzania next week for two weeks to meet her in-laws. I suggested we wait until she returns. Where did that edict come from anyway?

Anyone who has read anything I’ve written about Davita Med Center Houston knows how I’ve praised the unit all these months. Do I leave it? I’d have to change doctors. He is the best in the city. But it sounds like he may be getting ready to “fire” me anyway. Do I just hang in and live with it, as any other center could have those issues? Do I just give up on dialysis all the way? Does today, tomorrow or yesterday really make a difference?