Running myself into the ground

[KICKSTART]

Right now i should be happier than ive ever been, after all ive got my move and a fresh start away from this hell hole. But im at my most miserable! Everyone just seems to think i can get on with it , no one stops to think i have kidney failure and D . My mum rings daily to check my progress and when i say , i dont know how im going to cope and do it , she just laughs and says ..oh you will , it will be worth it. YES i know it will be worth it , but at what price? I spent most of last night over the toilet and little sleep and now i have to sort and pack all day , plus do all my regular things. Im not eating , because that means breaking off to cook and i know if i do , i wont go back up stairs and get cracking again. Im typing this while im grabbing a quick cup of tea. Everyone thinks im super woman , i throw up most days and if i hear my mother say once more ..oh you must have a bug , im going to scream !  I know moving is stressful, but im good with stress , that i can deal with , but where am i supposed to find the energy to do all this ? Im pushing myself so much , im sweating and shaking and now to top it all i have to have an inspection of this house this next week by the landlord (housing assoc) before i can move to the other. I have 2 rooms that i need to decorate ( one i started and never finished and the other needs a lick of paint) but before i do that i need to get rid of all the junk , rubbish and everything ive just let slide. If the house doesnt pass approval , i dont get the other. How the hell im going to do this and fit in my D i really dont know. Maybe if i had 2 broken legs people wouldnt expect me to ..get on with it ..but then thats Kidney failure for you ..fit as a fiddle on the outside ..falling apart on the inside. RANT OVER. Exhaustion not !

[Darthvadar]

Sending you love, and best wishes, KS....

I hope it all works out for you.....

Remind the Housing Assoc. about their obligation to make reasonable accomadation for your disability... Ask if they'll paint the rooms... You can even leave them the paint!.... Get a support letter from your doc if need be!.....

I wish you all the very best in your move!.....

God bless....

Love and hugs.....

Darth....

[lola]

  KS..... Do you have anyone who can help you? I so wish I could jump on a plane and come whip the place together for you. 

[monrein]

The lack of energy is tough at the best of times but when you've got stuff to get done and a deadline to get it done...it seems like an unsurmountable hurdle.  Hoping you find what it takes KS to get through it all but please don't give up eating to make more time...not worth it and you'll just end up with even less energy.   

[suzyq73176]

Wow I really sympathise with you. Two years ago I had to move with my three kids back to my moms house when i ended up in the hospital for 6 months.  Well my mom is a compulsive hoarder and her house is a mess and she will allow no one to fix it.  I was also sharing a room with my daughter who is 8.  When the hospital where im listed discovered my living situation they made me inactive on the list. 
I had to apply for emergency and eventually got it .  I moved in January and it was horrible.  I had to move me and all 3 kids.  Now that I live in public housing I fear I am not keeping it to their standards.  But children r messy lazy creatures and i am in the unfortunate position of not being able to keep up with them oftentimes.  You can only do the best u can do and hop that it is enough.  Good Luck

[mamanan62]

I feel for you more than you know.  I just had to give up and move in with my daughter so she can help me more on a daily basis.  Do you not have family or friends that can or will help you?  Have you asked?? I know that's a hard thing to do but in our case sometimes we have to sawallow the pride and ask for help.  What about your church. or a friends church.  Check with the senior center.  a lot of times these are places no one thinks to ask.  A lot of the older citizen are just looking for some thing to do that makes them feel needed and appreciated.  give it a try.  anything is better than this feeling of losing it!!

[angelsawareaz]

  Oh my Dear, I am in deep empathy with you.  I find it so hard to believe that people do not realize how hard dialysis is on the body and that if you were "healthy as a horse" or "just having a little bug"  you would get over it and could cope.  But all is not lost, remember if you don't eat you WILL feel WORSE.  I know it is not easy and sometimes we set more for ourselves than we are capable of doing.  Check with your social worker at your dialysis center (I hope they all have them) they can sometimes help you find the help you need.  You CANNOT do it all yourself,  not anymore, so give yourself a break a treat even and remember the people here are here for you. 

[Poppylicious]

Yikes.  If I thought you lived nearer me I would offer to pop by and help, but as little as England is, it's impossible to get anywhere without a car, and I don't drive ... so, bah.  I hope it's all going ok.  *hugs*

[KICKSTART]

Thanks everyone ..seems like you are my only form of support these days. Well im buggered! Ive been non stop on my non D days and ive not slept for 2 days either (been in a lot of pain with my eye again , think its linked to tension in my neck , probably caused by the stress im under right now!) Ive still managed to do a lot of sorting out regardless and even decorated my kitchen today (not bad off 2 nights of no sleep!) When i finally get to the other end , i hope my mother doesnt make any plans , of we can just do this now or that now because im only a few doors down because im going into hibernation for a few weeks! As long as i know where the kettle is , my microwave and my bed , the rest i intend to unpack at my leisure !  Right cuppa finished ..back to it !!!!

[billybags]

Kickstart, slow down, take a breather you sound like you are doing far to much. I know you have to get every thing done ready for your move but you will be really ill if you carry on like this, being sick and not eating is not good. Have you got a lot more to do?  Hasn't your mum been up to help a little bit, even if just to make a cup of tea. When do you move?