Keeping a relationship strong while dealing with kidney transplant issues

[Everlasting]

Hello:  My concern is now our ability to keep our relationship strong and in the direction we knew before the kidney issues surfaced.  We are both exhausted, frustrated and at times insensitive to the needs of basic comforts and validation of one another.  There are times when resentment arises - one feeling he/she is doing more than the other etc.
     This past weekend we put everything aside and went on a weekend get away with a promise that we would not talk about kidney matters for the duration.  It worked !!!
     I would enjoy hearing how others manage to keep their relationships fresh and strong while facing the struggles of kidney disease.
Thank you for any suggestions you might have.
Everlasting

[Hanify]

Keep being as honest as you can with each other.  If things start to bug you, try to bring it up sooner rather than later.  Good idea re the weekend.  We're off to Samoa in 10 days and I think I might try it too - other than when I'm doing dialysis.  It's so hard not to let it take over your life.  It's quite good to make yourself not bring it up when you meet someone.  That way you can be sure that you have not 'become' kidney failure.

[petey]

Marvin and I had been married for 6 months when he first got sick with a blood disorder (ITP -- low platelets).  It took us a couple of years to deal with all that (and several surgeries) and learn how to live with it.  Then, shortly before our 9th wedding anniversary, Marvin went on dialysis.

Two weeks ago, we celebrated our 23rd anniversary, so we're definitely "experienced."  I think we have a strong, strong relationship.  But, just as with all relationships (ESRD or not involved), it does take some work to keep it that way.

I think Marvin and I have a strong relationship because (1) we are committed to each other; (2) we try to think of the other before we think of ourselves; (3) we make modifications in our lifestyle when needed; (4) we face EVERYTHING together; (5) we are each other's best friend, best advocate, sounding board, and strength; (6) we have accepted our "fate" and try to make the best of it; and, (7) we laugh, laugh, laugh with each other.

This is not how either of us thought our lives would unfold, but we've learned to "roll with the punches" and keep going.  It is what it is.  This is the hand we were dealt.

We have never had a time when we made ESRD, dialysis, kidney, or transplantation "off limits" in our discussions (though it seems to have worked for you).  We talk about these things many times a day (hey, it's right there in front of us).  We both have the type of personality that says you grab that bear by the face and wrestle it to the ground!

Different tactics work for different folks.  We're not the perfect couple, but we both think we're a good couple.  In a way, dialysis and ESRD have made Marvin and me stronger people and a stronger couple.

[del]

I really thing kidney failure has made us stronger as people and as a couple.  WE will be married 25 years this coming April. We knew hubby had kidney problems before we married but we never dreamed they would fail.  22 years ago he saw a nephrologist who told him he would need dialysis or a transplant in 2 -10 years. He lasted 10 years almost to the date that he was told.  He has been on dialysis 12 years now and like petey it is just a normal part of the conversation. Sure we wish that we didn't have to deal with this disease but we have to live the hand that was dealt us and make the best of it.  There are times when our tempers run short and we get on each others nerves but that is part of any relationship!!  Just talk about things and keep things in the open or they will cause more problems.

[maritza0486]

When me and my boyfriend speak over the phone, he asks me how I am feeling and how dialysis went. I tell him a brief story and he never brings it up again. We have a lot of sex, not to be too explicit. But that always works to get out minds off "my health issues". LOL. Also, we go fishing and watch movies and just overall talk about other things like finances, etc.

[maritza0486]

I also for got to mention that I am overall an extremely positive person and I usually do not let kidney failure bring me down. What feels even better is when people have no clue whatsoever that I have any health problems. 

My boyfriend has been with me since I was diagnosed with kidney failure again. Our relationship is really strong.

[petey]

We have a lot of sex, not to be too explicit. But that always works to get out minds off "my health issues". LOL.

Yep...sex helps.  Or, at least it's a *bonus* in a good, strong relationship.

(Let's see how long it takes RichardMel to get in on this discussion now that "sex" has been mentioned ...  )

[kellyt]

Yeah Petey!      

When dialysis was the hot topic of the house and I was discussing my options of either home or clinic dialysis, one of the main reasons I didn't want to do home dialysis is because I felt it would be there and in our face (his face) all the time and I didn't want that.  I would have rather gone to dialysis and just come home.