I am so PISSED right now!

[Kitsune]

I have to be brutally honest here and say that I don't know if I would have stayed or left if it had been my husband instead of me having this illness.  We were so young and so many of our dreams and plans were destroyed.  I actually encouraged him to go and start a new life, have kids and live his full "real" life.  I'd have liked to be godmother to his children and a friend to his wife.   I think I was most likely thinking about what I would have done had our positions been reversed and I think I might have wanted his blessing so I could leave.  I like to think that I would have not been so selfish but I am not convinced that I would have been the person I want to believe I am.

I feel badly for those who love us and stay, I think they've been robbed too.  On the other hand, I'm glad that there are better people than me in the world and the worst thing is to stay but not want to be there.  We definitely don't need that on top of everything else.

When I'm feeling well I can't even imagine how my pre-dialysis self feels and when I'm ill I can't possibly imagine what good health feels like. 

Monrein,

Why do you feel badly for those who love a person on dialysis and decide to stay? Are we not just like anyone else except for the fact that we need to dialyze to live? We are just as normal and just as worthy of love as the next person. Just because I am on dialysis and waiting for a kidney doesn't mean my life is over and I should resign myself to life with only my cat and my Stratovarius CDs for company, while guys dump me for it and then ask me to help their new girlfriend pick out curtains or whatnot. Homie don't play that.

Who I do feel badly for are the ex-partners of people that are so closed-minded (like Irv31's wife) that they hear the word "dialysis" and run for the hills, therefore either leaving someone they love or not giving the person a chance just because their kidneys don't work. I'll be damned if I'll let a little thing like dialysis turn me into a hermit who is a friend to the person who marries the person who dumps me because I am on dialysis. Someone dumps me, they're through in my book... and that includes their new flame. If I'm not good enough to be with because of my kidney failure, I'm not good enough to be their (or their new girlfriend's) friend. That's like kicking someone when they're down.

And Brightsky, kick that man's sorry  to the curb. With a guy like that, this is about as good as it gets, girl. I was with a guy like that, all affectionate when he thought I was gonna buy it and then after I'd been on D awhile, he could care less about me, going over to my ex's apartment to play Dungeons and Dragons and getting on the bus to go cheat with my former friend (A skanky wh*** named Ruth who ended up marrying another so-called friend of mine who she was dating while this was going on.).

He was never home when I got home from D, but he sure could come home to wolf down dinner and call his aunt and uncle to tell them what a controlling bitch I was because I went looking for him (never even left notes...ever.) He mooched off me, took my PS2 and all my video games, never paid a dime of rent or any other bills, put me thousands of dollars in debt, beat me up (I still have a scar on my neck that will never go away), went after my mother with a sword, killed my kitten and broke a window in my apartment.

But the point is, he started off all loving and caring too, and then he turned into a monster from hell just like yours. Can you see the signs? You deserve better.

RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!

[kitkatz]

Choose your men and friends better.

[monrein]

Kitsune, I feel badly for all of us who deal with this (as well as many other) chronic illness everyday.  That includes, patients, caregivers and family members.  I certainly do not feel that we are unworthy of love, or that our lives are over or that we should resign ourselves to anything.  I also certainly do not accept that we should be treated badly, cheated on or lied to.  I will also say that I personally have never accepted ill treatment from anyone, male or female and I don't think anyone ever should.  If that is what you think I was saying, you understood nothing of my post.  Not sure at all how you reached those conclusions based on a post about MY thoughts and musings about MY life and MY partner and going back some 25 years.  Our plans for what we wanted to do with our lives were abruptly altered, not able to go back to them even after a successful transplant,  and I regret that my husband had to accept a compromised way of life along with me.  We used to travel for longish periods of time to unusual and far-flung destinations and that all came crashing down.  He chose to stay and accept the imposed limitations  and I tried not to pressure him.  I'm not sure I would have done the same if our positions were reversed.   I'm not saying that YOU ought to feel the same way as I did.  We are each different people with different feelings and reactions.  
I've also lived long enough to know that life is complex and our emotional lives are especially so.  Sometimes people are unable to do the "right" thing or the "heroic" thing and I don't take those who take the kind, compassionate, thoughtful, mature route of action for granted.  ESRD is not nothing.  It is not easy and it is not fleeting.  It's a forever thing and it changes us.  We face things that I would not have chosen for myself and certainly not for someone I love.  However, I'm a pretty positive person and I believe in making the absolute most of whatever situation I may find myself in.  My husband is in superb health and has spent far too much time in hospitals and dealing with my health related stuff.  I am not the same person that I would have been without ESRD.  I have not been able to do all that I would have been able to if I had not had the disease.  That is a fact.  However, I also accept that I have learned much from my own journey and that some of those lessons have made me a possibly better person.  I really try to understand others more, including those who don't always meet the highest of standards.  Let me also point out that seeking to understand does not necessarily mean to like or to condone or even to accept.  Life can indeed be very complex.

I'm sorry that you had to go through the experiences you did with your ex.  It sounds terribly painful and your anger sounds pretty fresh, raw and close to the surface despite whatever scabs you may have developed to protect those wounds.  I would also say that quite apart from being unable to deal with D and ESRD he sounds like a horribly disturbed individual from your own description.  The man I was talking about is nothing like the one you describe and I still wish (even after your scolding of me for how I feel) that he'd had the chance to have children and a fuller life.  He continues to disagree with me on this point and still feels lucky to have found me.  I still don't get it but I'm grateful that he's a better person than I am.  We have been living together since I was 17 and he was 23.  If he had left, it would not have been because he didn't love me, as I see it.  I still think I could have loved his children, even if they weren't mine.

Best of luck with your transplant and may your man have the strength and courage to support you always.

[Sunny]

Monrien,
Having been blessed with true love since my husband was 18 and I was 20, I completely agree with your sentiments about relationships and dealing with kidney disease.
I think the point here is that we DO NOT have to settle for second rate relationships. People can love us for who we are, warts and all, and we don't have to settle for abusive demeaning relationships. If any one of us living with kidney disease is dealing with an abusive negative relationship, then please get out of it. You deserve so much more.

[Brightsky69]

Thanks to all of you guys for hearing me out. I know it's rough on both sides of the fence. I now have another PD cathather and that situation is for a whole nother post. I can't say things with the BF have got 100% better. I am too concerned about this PD cathater right now to worry about him and what he is doing.