I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: Sara on February 05, 2006, 08:05:37 AM
-
The dependence on the machine? The physical effects (dry skin, scars from surgeries, etc.)?
-
The combination of all of it I think... for me the financial aspect has been difficult too. I got sick when I was just getting started in my career and had no insurance. so basically I lost everything I had and the combination of the scars, just plain feeling sick has made me loose all the self esteem I had built up. I have had to move back in with my parents then I received a transplant and started on the road back and lost the transplant within three years not to mention the side effects of the immunsupprissive drugs while I had the transplant now I am right back at nothing again and trying to crawl out somehow. Relationships have been particularly hard for me. Not because of any reason except I do not feel confident, I feel who in their right mind would want a phisically, mentally and financially broken person in their life? I have just put myself back on the list for new kidney and have accepted a new job, starting 2/20/06 and I am scared I will not be able to handle dialysis and this position. I have not told them of my condition and do not plan to. I just need to at least try to do someting other then let the days turn into laying around until the next dialysis treatment I hate so much but need to exist. That is the real point for me I feel I am just existing not living.. no wife, girlfriend, no new car, no house, kids, etc... no challenges except to survive the next treatment. I really want to get back in the game of life or I feel what is the point of just going to treatment just to exist until the next treatment. It is really HARD, I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to before I got sick now I just get tired and depressed most of the time thinking about it. This site has been a savior for me! A place to talk to other people who can actually understand and know what I am going through and even worse.. I really thank you all and epoman for doing this, I am an example of how important this dialogue is, it means alot!
-
Every renal patient is differant, some renal patient have very low self esteem. The only thing I am a bit wary of is my fistula. I always ware long sleeve shirts the scare is a bit of a mess. The Tesio lines in my neck do not bother me. I have a lot of friends who are not on dialysis. try not to think about it too much, because that will make you feel bad. Just try my best to carry on as normal as I can. Which sometimes I find hard to do. :-\
Kevno
(The more you think what is wrong with you, the worse it is for you)
-
For me it's my huge fistula. People REALLY stare, and kids think I am a monster. Plus sometimes I just look more sick than usual. But the biggest self esteem issue for me now is being in a wheelchair. That really causes me to have low self esteem. People ALWAYS stare. I am really self conscious about my arm and my wheelchair.
I used to wear long sleeve shirts all the time for the first few years on dialysis, but that got old after a while and I just didn't care anymore. So I stopped wearing them.
-
That tired feeling all of time! I hate it! And having no sex drive. And having itchy skin all the time.
And not being able to stay after school for the kids three days a week. And...
Katherine
-
I am not sure if my esteem is affected, but I do find it really inconvenient not being able to travel as I used to. I put off a trip to a dear sister in the Lord in Atlanta and a blood sister in Florida last summer. Then the second day back at school in September I was hospitalized and started dialysis at the end of September. Now I don't know when or if I will ever be able to take that double trip.
Now I only travel on weekends (except for last Christmas holiday when I got to spend a week at my home country of Barbados).
I have never visited Canada, and I was a bit hurt that my daughter just spend a week there (she was representing her college at a Student World Assembly in Montreal). I wonder if I will ever get to see Canada.
Anyway, I have lots to be thankful for. I have visited England, Belgium, Switzerland, United States (New York), spent a year in France, have been to almost all Caribbean countries and lived in three of them (my home island Barbados, Antigua and now the British Virgin Islands). So I will not gripe about being able to travel.
-
Well, that's not too bad at all Baj'! :) When I was just about entering my teens, my mum started working & so
the family income allowed us to start taking holidays outside U.K. THey started with Belgium, then Switzerland & Italy
twice. Then I did a school trip to Rome. BY then I was old enough for us to go our separate ways. I did a couple of
surf trips to France/N.Spain (while they did Capri & other places). THen I met my wife....& didn't go anywhere until
we moved out to Oz. We've had only 2 trips back in 25 years!!! Plus a trip to Fiji for friends' daughter's wedding.
I've been hoping for years that when I got near to retirement & with the kids gone, we could really start to see
the world... :( ...but not to be, I guess. I can probably organise (free) dialysis to visit my old Dad in Wales....but
no way can I afford $500+/- Australian each time I dialyse in some other country!!! ::) ::)
.....my wife is most likely going away next Xmas, possibly for a couple of months, with 2 or 3 colleagues, to Europe.
At least while she's away, I'll have a sort of freedom 8)
.....I suppose the esteem factor in here, for me, is that my mates are all doing their little trips here & there, for
surf, wine, sightseeing. Having talked about various trips for years, now I can't do them & feel sorta silly ::)
-
My self esteem is shot to hell right now. My hair is doing weird things like poofing out depite my combing three times before I leave the house. My clothes look terrible on me. I look in the mirror and see everything wrong. Depressing! I try on new clothes and hate them! They do not look right on me anymore. And of course there is the weight. I hate gaining weight and losing weight every other day. I want to lose weight but the renal diet is crazy and I can't quite give up what I want to eat.
I feel like I am sick enough and why should I have to restrict myself from food I like to eat. I also hate being sick on top of being sick. Every cold or flu or sinus infections hits me harder than it should. I hate it. I am out of sick leave at work, too. So now it is go to work regardless of how I feel.
Then the damned hospital and docs make appointments during work time. My God! Do they not think I have a job and a life or am I just defined by dialysis?
There it is! I am slowly being defined by this illness and I do NOT like it. Help!!
Katherine
-
Well kitkatz, nice rant ;D
The way I see it, we are all defined by this illness, now and for always.I have never seen a Renal Patient die of renal failure. I know it sounds strange. It is always something else that gets us. I have seen a lot.
Less :'( :'(, and More :) ;D needed.
Kevno
-
This thread was made for me as my self esteem is at an all time low. I am fed up with this illness and the fact that my stomach is an absolute mess of scars which makes buying clothes difficult. Add that to an arm with a horrible looking fistula which makes upper body clothes difficult to find AND an unhealed broken foot which affects the shoes I can get I am fed up. Then on top of that I have found out that the surgeon who refused me for a transplant 4 years ago made a mistake and I have been put through the rigours of every undiginified test going to double check that all these other surgeons aren't missing what he saw and the knock on effects of this 'mistake'. The fact that I was put on an aggressive treatment to help the problems that were never there which made me practically immobile last year and also has made my foot difficult to heal and the big one. He has done a transplant on a friend from my dialysis unit who now doesn't believe he could have made a mistake and I am being strung along by everyone else that we now don't speak-hope we will again because most of the time shes supportive. Which then backs up the fact that transplant patients forget what it is like struggling on dialysis and whether they realise it or not they can on occassion rub your nose into it how fit they now are and you are not. :'( Finally keeping myself busy with a distance learning course is giving me some self esteem backs but when I am not happy I lose esteem because if I WAS well I wouldn't be distance learning and then hate compromisng. I am 30 and feel much older than that and knowing I won't ever have a family or the usual rights everyone my age takes for granted is just sometimes so unbearable. :'(
-
Hi Michelle
A lot of renal patients on this site, have gone through, or going through the way you feel just now. I know, I have felt the same way. What ever you feel you can always share your feeling on this site. We all try to help each other. That is one of the best things about this site.
I know of a lot of Doctors who have made big mistakes on me and other renal patients. But that is just one things of being a dialysis patient. You never forget what the doctors have done to you. Plus yes, I do agree about some transplant patients. But a lot of transplant patients end up back on dialysis that is a fact. I went back onto dialysis when I was 21years old, I will be on this year when I am 40years old. Missed a lot of my life to dialysis, you try not to let the renal failure get to you to much. I know it does in different amounts. :-\
So I am sure if I can smile you can at least try to. ;)
thinking of you
Kevno
-
Kevno, I don't know how you do it... I've only been on hemo a little over 2 years and sometimes I feel like giving up on it.. seems like people are dying everyday and there is always a new person ready to take their place... never ending cycle...
In my dreams, a new kidney is being grown in a lab somewhere and it is going to change all our lives... whoo hoo ( time to wake up now susie ) hahahaha ::) ;D
-
susie q
Great Dream :)
Hope they get on with it ;D
To the question how I do it, No Choice you get on with it are Die ;) never really think to much about it. I have seen a hell of lot of renal patients die, from the first on at the age of seven, to the last one, last year. The only thing is now,( I know this will not sound right). I try not to get to close to any of the patients on the unit. I only say hello, goodbye now. only know one are two of the patients names. Know all of the Nurses and Doctors by there First names. I used to know all of the patients on the unit. But it was so hard for me when they died, which a lot of renal patients on my unit seem to. It is the main acute unit for the area. >:(
Less of this boring mood, need to lighten up a bit.
Kevno
-
My self esteem is my job. It is where I find "purpose." I've got 20 years in with Unites States Department of Agriculture (USDA).
I filed my permanent disability papers on April 7. It will be 6 to 8 weeks before I will be done with something I love.... but can't do it and dialysis. Then what really sucks is they are NOT going to replace me. I guess what I do isn't that important. Talk about a KICK to my self esteem! >:(
-
Hi Kevno,
Thanks for your reply. I am usually a very positive person so to be as down as this has taken me by suprised and I almost feel ashamed that this time I haven't bounced back. But on reflection it is not just one thing but a load of stuff has piled on top of me to such a degree that its just got a bit too much. I am not the best at opening up to people either as I have to feel a real closeness to them to ensure I won't be judged or rejected for being a grump. I lost a very close friend around 18 months ago and since then things have spiralled out of control with everything just coming on top of it. The transplant situation was the last straw but in reality this has been building for quite a few years really and although we can never have a break from renal stuff its easier to cope with the other problems of life if you are physically ok.
-
Lately I have found it hard to be positive about my life. I have always took a very lite look at my life. I know how much help you get, it is always up to oneself how you carry on. Just now I am the wrong person to be talking about being positive just now. I can not even make my mind up about an operation the Surgeons say I must have. I know I will make the right choice and get through to the other side. I have NEVER been in this sort of mood before. After all the operations I have had over 34 years.
I will get through the usual way, a smile, a joke and the fight to get better.
Kevno
( Just a quick talk to myself) SNAP OUT OFF IT !! This is not the way I am. I never give up! I am a fighter!
-
Come on guys , life may not be the best but look around you and there are others worst off. I know it sucks being on the machine when you wish you were doing something else, I know I hate sitting there while the guys are out on a fire call or trying to organize a response over the phone. Yes people stare at my arm, but thats their problem ,not mine. Just smile and keep going. I have lived over 40 years with an ostomy pouch hanging on my side , the last three years doing dialysis, had a triple bypass and still I go to work every day, and make over 70% of my fire calls. Somedays its rough, sometimes we have to recharge our batteries,sometime it feels good jut to complain, but don't ever give up on life.
-
Being an Renal patient since 1972 first went on dialysis at the age of ten. I have seen so much, I have seen patients give up. But that is not me, plus I feel all who type on this site. We all take a lot. It does us all good just to let go once in a while on this site. I believe thats why Epoman got this site going. So we can all have a rant, let all our feelings out. See how other Patients who are in the same boat feel. I know the old saying look around you and you will always find somebody who is worse off than you. But when it is you, you do not notice anybody else.
We will not ever give up on life, renal patients are fighters.
I know I do not have much time to make up my mind about my leg, this is something so new to me, to have a choice. The Surgeon is seeing me on Thursday. I have made my mind up, to tell him, what ever he thinks is right to do.
Kevno
-
Good luck Kevno and hope it all goes well for you. Please let us know how you get on as we are all here for you.
I am really happy to be able to come here and say what I really feel as I have been bottling it all up for so long and when it comes to the crunch I probably wouldn't give up. However there are times when the road seems a very long and difficult one to travel for all of us and at the moment it is not smooth going as so much has happened that has bought me down. I haven't talked about the half of it on here either but what I will say is don't bottle it up as I have done as that in itself has made me worse than I needed to be and unfortunately I tend to hide when I feel like that. Coming here to vent yesterday was a major step for me and I do know there are others worse off than me-I see it all the time at my unit but I am also facing a battle which I am not finding altogether easy so this place is somewhere I feel able to let it all out.
-
Good for you Michelle ;)
It can be very painful to try to keep everything to yourself, I have only just told my family, my sister knew but I have always told her nearly everything. My sister is someone who I can trust to do if I say, tell no one else. I know I lean on her a bit to much.
Thinking of you Michelle, I'm sure you win your battle.
Kevno
-
Suffering is relevant. If it is happening to you, it is important to be able to cry if you want to. If it is the first time you fall off your bike or the first time you are on the machine, it is happening to YOU. Don't deny your feelings. 8)
-
I think the hardest part for me is that no one in my life seems to understand that a transplant is not an answer. They won't be disabused of the idea that I'll get a new kidney and then everything will be back to normal.
And the tremendous pressure I feel to always be upbeat and positive is really wearing on me, especially in the last week or so.
You see, I wasn't getting enough dialysis with three four hour sessions a week, so they had to add another session. So now I have a fourth session every week. Luckily it's only three hours, but it feels like I do nothing but go to dialysis.
-
Ok so now I am looking at the men's Hawaiian shirts in Walmart and even bought a few. The sleeves cover the arms and are made up of soft fabrics. I needed some new summery shirts and the women's wear in Walmart sucks a lot! So here we go. Trying something new. Kills me not to find new button down shirts in the women's clothing area. All they have is the frilly fru fru stuff and I don't wear it.
Katherine
-
Jenna had a tough time making friends in high school. She didn't have any. I think she just wanted to keep her dialysis life a secret, not wanting to be looked at as a freak.
-
I like short sleeve but no more..... "What's wrong with your arm?" my students wanted to know if I had any good drugs
I do not think an iv for 4 hours would have bothered some of them..
I hate be tied down to going to the machine
we wanted to stay another day in Galveston but could not
no dialysis pre- plans
and I hate being tired
I used to be spontaneous
I want to drink water all day long
-
Having to leave Happy Hour after only 30 minutes because I've reached my fluid limit. :beer1;
-
Looking like im 6 months pregnant ! (PD) !
-
Before developing renal failure, which was quite sudden in my case, I had enjoyed an extremely dynamic existence, teaching in two different countries, flying frequently among three countries, getting to know lots of students and colleagues and generally having a fascinating and energetic life. I also looked much younger than my actual age, which caused people to interact with me as though I were my apparent age. Of course dialysis suddenly changed all of that, and I the change was dramatically brought home to me when one day I was out walking with my 80 year-old father and found I had trouble keeping up with him! The other single event which was most shocking to my self-perception came one day when I was visiting the podiatrist for a toe infection. The podiatrist's assistant looked at my feet, commented on how well my toes were trimmed, and asked me who I had to help me with cutting my toes, on the assumption I was too old and decrepit to be able to trim my own toenails! I was just stunned to find myself put in that 'box' with world of the enfeebled.
-
The podiatrist's assistant looked at my feet, commented on how well my toes were trimmed, and asked me who I had to help me with cutting my toes, on the assumption I was too old and decrepit to be able to trim my own toenails! I was just stunned to find myself put in that 'box' with world of the enfeebled.
Perhaps the assistant thought you were a "liberated male" who went to a salon for regular pedicures.
8)
-
Must have been the lavender cologne I was wearing.
-
The weight gain I have had since my transplant. I try to be happy I am alive.
-
Must have been the lavender cologne I was wearing.
I love lavender cologne. ;)
-
Anytime you want to trim my toenails, Okarol, just let me know -- perhaps something can be arranged.
-
Anytime you want to trim my toenails, Okarol, just let me know -- perhaps something can be arranged.
:rofl;
-
where does the toenail line form???
-
RichardMel may have a little compitition going on here.
I. for one, love it when Stauffenberg gets a little frisky!!
-
Anytime you want to trim my toenails, Okarol, just let me know -- perhaps something can be arranged.
I also love a good foot massage.
-
There's something about this site for sure. First we're all flirting with RM and now we're heading over to Stauffenberg's place for a spa day, toenail trims, foot massages and that's just for starters. Gotta love IHD.!!!
-
computer illiterate
can not get the freakin' photos on the post and some are jpg
:P
Stauffenberg gets friskey? oh my..... :stauffenberg; did anyone notice this nurse is called stauffenberg?
-
Stauffenberg, do you have the little feet fishies to help with the pedicures?
-
Twirl, some of the icons were named for members-- :Kit n Stik; (kitkatz) :kickstart; (kickstart) :mysty: (mysty) :sluff; (sluff) Thanks to our creative admins! We love the smilies!
-
Not eating like I use to and then there's that darn vision thing. Insomnia I can deal with.
-
- Not being able to engage in my calling. I am (was?) a corporate finance attorney but can't do the work now because of the long hours required (60-80 hours a week) and the on-call nature of the work does not really permit undergoing dialysis and dealing with dialysis after-effects.
- Not having the flexibility to travel easily. I used to live/work in Tokyo and New York, and at one point was traveling from Tokyo to Bangkok every month to work on a deal. Now I'm trapped in the San Francisco Bay Area and haven't left its environs since I was diagnosed with ESRD.
- Disfigurement. This includes the arm alien (a/k/a fistula), the amazing inflatable face and abdomen (just add water!), and ever-changing skin discoloration, unevenness and altered texture. Sometimes I barely recognize myself in the mirror.
- Surroundings. I am 37 years old, but most of the patients at my dialysis center are elderly. I don't wish to offend anyone, but spending so much time in what looks like a nursing home makes me feel like my life is essentially over, as if I should sacrifice all ambition and instead focus merely on eating, sleeping, and going back and forth to dialysis.
-
"Surroundings. I am 37 years old, but most of the patients at my dialysis center are elderly. I don't wish to offend anyone, but spending so much time in what looks like a nursing home makes me feel like my life is essentially over, as if I should sacrifice all ambition and instead focus merely on eating, sleeping, and going back and forth to dialysis"
Sometimes I feel the same way...Boxman
-
kuronekochan stated exactly what I feel, thanks. I am 59 but never felt old until this dialysis thing started, perhaps that is what it is with many of us. Being tied to a chair....I don't even know if home hemo will change that feeling....I can't strap that machine to my back and just take off for a few days, still needs planning...... :Kit n Stik;
-
I was away for one week on vacation and come back to find that the place has gone wild... :2thumbsup;
-
One of the biggest changes is having to plan your life around treatment times. Sigh!
-
I was going to stop by Kroger's today after treatment but I had a shirt full of blood, the prettiest shade of red.
-
not alot comes to mind :yahoo;
-
Come to think of it, the graft I have in my arm. It sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn't look natural, nor feel natural. Not to mention it itches and if you scratch it slightly in the right spot, you draw blood easily.
-
I was just thinking my Frankenarm
good nickname
and it does itch and I do draw blood
but it feels so good to stratch it
-
The more I think, the more I can add when I think how people percieve me with the medical issues going on.
-
Too tired to go out with friends by the end of the week.
Don't like to hang out with them while they all drink and I stay sober.
Fistula.
Relying on a machine to keep me on the planet.
Feeling 90 at the age of 30.
etc...etc...etc...
-
Davita nurses thinking that because I'm on dialysis my brain is dysfunctional. :Kit n Stik;
-
I have a cure for your itching arm, Twirl. Mine never itches anymore.
I never had any self esteem so no problems.
-
So much to look forward too. Yipes! :o Went to church today and had several ask about my surgery ... when I showed my best friend, she says "gross". Thats how it feels for now. Black and blue and swollen. My nephro said I would have more energy after starting on dialysis. Sounds like he's wrong. I haven't started yet and am tired all the time.
-
Believe it or not....your arm will soon look almost normal and you will have more energy on dialysis
-
So much to look forward too. Yipes! :o Went to church today and had several ask about my surgery ... when I showed my best friend, she says "gross". Thats how it feels for now. Black and blue and swollen. My nephro said I would have more energy after starting on dialysis. Sounds like he's wrong. I haven't started yet and am tired all the time.
Yep, that when I realized I needed to switch to long sleeves to cover the bulging fistual. When my best friend said "How long is that gonna look like that???"
Uhhhhh...forever?
-
I think being so tired made Jenna feel like a freak in high school. She would nap during her lunch breaks and her school never told us - Good God what if she was a kid on drugs or severely depressed??!! They said "Oh sorry, we should have given you a call." Yikes! Anyway, I think Jenna isolated herself more from other kids so they wouldn't know she had kidney failure. She started dialysis during Decemebr of her senior year, and she says school is "just a blur" during that time.
-
I'm bothered that I can't do all the things I used to be able to do. You name it! Everything is affected. My esteem is getting steamed.
-
Not having the energy or stamina to no longer do the job I loved. Like someone else said, my job defined me. I worked as a vet assistant before moving to Ohio and finding out about my kidney failure. The job required standing on my feet for 8 to 16 hour shifts. I can't even stand for 20 minutes now!
My appearance. I know this sounds selfish and horrible, but I am terrified to get my fistula because of the way I am going to look. I'm still young and in a new marriage. My husband gets grossed out pretty easily (especially anything blood related), and I'm afraid he won't want to come near me! I'd rather have a catheter. He's used to tubes coming out of me because of my insulin pump. I'm already dealing with a 10 pound weight loss in the span of 2 months, to the point where my ribs are starting to show. I hate how I look, and am very self conscious around him without a shirt on. Oh, yeah, plus the bruises on my arms and legs aren't helping either.
-
All of it everything to do with my health effects my self-esteem and I hate it...Boxman
-
All of it everything to do with my health effects my self-esteem and I hate it...Boxman
That about sums it up for me too about health. Maybe that's why I don't like kids.
-
What self esteem???? Kids just wait until you get 75. There is no self esteem then.
You'll find there are more important things than self esteem. As Kat says 'Get a grip'.
Love, Mimi
-
What self esteem???? Kids just wait until you get 75. There is no self esteem then.
You'll find there are more important things than self esteem. As Kat says 'Get a grip'.
Love, Mimi
The thing is, Mimi, some of us who are afflicted with this condition at an early age may not live to see 75. I know that's not a positive outlook or anything, but it is in the back of our minds. As it stands, if I can't have the quality of life I want, I may not want to live to see 75. I don't have children (let's face it, I can't. I have this disease), so far, I've made it to 35 with no real relationship experience, and I live in a country that punishes me for being sick. Granted, I'm lucky right now with a good job that gives me a generous paycheck and benefits. But who knows how long I'll have that? After all, when and if I get to the point that I can't hold a job anymore, I'll have to spend my way into poverty in order to get any help. Why bother saving for "retirement", when "retirement" for me means being sick and living in poverty because I am unfortunate enough to have bum kidneys? Yes, these thoughts affect my self esteem. Lots of things about this disease affects my self esteem. I'll "get a grip" once someone finally comes up with a real cure or treatment for this. None of us here asked for this lot in life, and everything that we have gone through or have to go through is difficult. Self esteem is going to be affected. There's no way it can't be.
-
I can understand your view 100% Karen, but also noticed Mimi's sign Mouth Operates Faster than Brain. Morbid humor maybe, which we develop here.
-
I'm quite new to Dialysis, so my fistula is still fairly discreet (2" scar and two needle clusters, plus some tape marks; hardly any bulging yet).
I could not imagine working; I don't feel bad now - a lot better than when I started - but there are bad days, and times when I have to stay late at the dialysis place because my bp is too low. In any case, it is hard to imagine anyone employing someone on Dialysis; if I'd already been employed when I started, maybe; but now...?
I am always thirsty (except just after dialysis) - as everyone is; I remember the times when I could drink all day and now think, why didn't I?
I've just started making plans to visit my mother in S Yorkshire (I'm in London), though I'm not sure how much fun it will be, having to go to Barnsley or Donny every couple of days. There's no chance of visiting my brother in New Zealand, which is a sod.
Self esteem? I don't think it bothers me that much; or, I don't think I have that much anyway.
-
For me, self-esteem is one of the most important things to have and to hold onto at any age. In working with kids and teenagers it was what often made the big difference between those reaching their potential and those struggling to keep their heads above water. Those with a good sense of their value as human beings, lovable despite their weaknesses or flaws, were also better able to cope with life's difficulties, whether it be divorce, illness or bullies. Self-esteem is not a person's body image or vanity and it isn't arrogance or an inflated, false sense of oneself either. I see it more as a quiet confidence about one's core being, the knowledge that I am an OK person (not perfect, not the greatest ever but perfectly acceptable), no matter my wealth or my looks or my age. Health issues can certainly damage our self-esteem and it can be not so easy to bolster but try we must, I think. How we allow others to treat us is an indication of our view of our own self-worth and often how we treat others is a reflection of it too. If we feel dignified we tend to treat others with dignity and so on. Bullies and meanies often have very shaky selves and can use their nastiness to pull themselves up in their own eyes but the satisfaction is generally brief and the universe usually doesn't reward this behaviour with lasting relationships, meaningful friendships and strong connections with others. I also think that solid, real esteem for him/her self is the best, most lasting gift a parent can ever give a child and it's also one of the hardest gifts to deliver. It doesn't happen if praise is too shallow or criticism is too strong. The building of it is slow and never-ending but it can be very rapidly diminished or depleted. I agree that self-esteem is perhaps not the most important thing there is but without it I don't think that the really important things can get done.
-
How elequently put down on the computer monrein. It made me think, all the answers I have put down would have to be put into a paragraph form for explanation of reasoning to a more root cause of reasoning.
-
Being a 41 year old man that weighs as much as a high school cheerleader. (bout 120)
knowing I look tired most of the time.
Big snake like fistula on my right arm.
warts from the prednisone or cyclo (which ever one causes it.)
and for dessert, a nice helping of social retardation.
Oh well.... At least I'm not an asshole (depending on who you talk too) >:D
Karen in Wa... :cuddle; It's like you read my mind. Thanks for sharing.
-
I was a very well liked and popular teacher with the students and the staff and Lord I miss that - I taught at a school 7th -12th grades and got to know my students as 7th graders -- been to their baby showers, weddings and funerals - I have laughed and cried with them and I miss all those memories -- I had not a clue on how many hours and hours I spent thinking about and being involved with my students and their sad situations - hours on lesson plans to keep them intested in my subjects when most were homeless or living in hell - I miss it and it will never be the same-
I was able to hang on for two years on dialysis but it became impossible and I hung on until the last second I could - I never went back to get all my things - I let the school have everything- I might have already posted about this and the pain is still with me - and I still use no punctuation- some things never change
-
And Twirl, I know you miss teaching and you miss the students and being involved in their lives. I hope however that you won't forget, and therefore "miss" in that meaning of the word, the truth that being a caring, involved, effective and probably life-altering adult for these students is a key part of who you are, not just of who you were. Just because you're not actually doing the job (kind of like being retired) does not change the fact that you had a calling that others valued and that you enjoyed doing and doing well. I don't do my job now either but I carry with me at all times the knowledge that I was very competent at what I did and that there are still some people in the world who credit me with saving their lives or their sanity or their marriages or their families. I compare it to parenthood in a way. Just because kids have left home and manage their own lives independently does not take away from the job that their parents did while actively raising and caring for them. You are no less valuable a person now than you were while you were teaching. Please remember that fact even if at times it doesn't FEEL true. :cuddle;
-
Teachers are invaluable! And you may not realize it, but you still continue teaching others even if you are no longer at the school. You can't undo everything you've learned, the compassion you've attained, etc. You continue to use it everyday. :cuddle; BTW, what subject did you teach?
-
paddbear I love your little "Marley" by the way, Me and Marley the movie is not as good as the book
I taught earth science and literature and just about anything else----- I had students who were not working at their IQ levels
for various reasons ----- at one semester I had 90 students during the day in 7 different periods -- and I taught a class of baton twirling------ I had at least 40 case manger's students to keep current with --- loved every moment of it
I also taught US History and Texas History ---- where I was needed as our state testing scores were needed to be improved
and I did the talent show every year and that was the most fun
-
I have to agree with the energy. I have no energy some days and I have lots the next but the next day I have none again. I can't lift or do things like i used too. I work in a business that we have to move around alot and now it just seems to take me twice as long as before. I hate days like that. .
-
The fact that even though I look wel (and feel well most of the time) I am not well and people think I am lazy because sometimes I just don't have the strength to do things I need to do and I'm made to feel guilty for it, when in truth I'd love to be able to just get up and do them.
-
I hear you about the lazy part! I wish I had the energy to do more, but with working and school, there's little time left for cleaning and cooking and laundry and all that. So some weeks it gets undone and pushed to the side. This doesn't make me feel too good about myself and I know hubby thinks I am lazy sometimes when he sees a pile of clothes to be washed and dishes to be cleaned, but heck. Sometimes I just can't get to it! It makes me feel lazy too about myself. But then I think, hey I've seen younger, healthier people do much less in their life. What is their excuse?? (Sorry -- probably ranting about my hurricane roomates. All the energy wasted sitting on their butts doing nothing. It bugs me.)
-
My daughter, Melissa, is wise beyond her years. She said the other day that it doesn't matter who hurts more, who can do more or less, or your age. It is your life and you are the one dealing with all the changes. (She deals with dying people and sees a lot of drama along the way) Some people may not be effected until middle age, but who knows what else they have lived through---abusive childhood, cancer, loss of a child, loss of spouse - the list could be long. I think the point is to live today and make the best of it. Children suffering is the hardest. God could take me tomorrow, if it would heal the children. Ok, back to self esteem-----mine is the aging process speading up: skin, hair, everything has aged 10 years in 2 years time. I have had to redefine who I am and lower my own expectations. :thumbdown;
-
I was going to add more to what I have already said, but Mibarra already said it. I'd just be repeating what she said almost word for word! A few days, I had the energy to straighten up and even tape up the stairs in preparation for staining them. But yesterday, everything hit the fan. I was shaking so bad and felt like a walking zombie. I was struggling to stay awake all day, even while driving. I went to bed at 8:00 last night!!! That never happens. And today, I still feel the same. This is also affecting my self esteem. I'm walking around, looking like I have a hangover, with big bags under my eyes. I'm dragging. People look at me and I feel like they wonder why such a young person can't get her act together!
-
People look at me and I feel like they wonder why such a young person can't get her act together!
Amen! You just have to learn to ignore it and know that you are doing the best you can. And if anyone tells you different, tell them you will gladly exchange your kidney disease with them and see how much they can get done!
-
I am a transplant patient, but what I hate most:
- Prednisolone making me look fat due largely to fluid retention.
- Sirolimus giving me regular mouth/tongue ulcers
- How tired I get (this has been a problem for years, before and after transplant)
- The weakness in my body generally. I still haven't bounced back to pre-surgery fitness, or even been able to start exercising properly until now. Now, though, things are pretty well as normal as they're going to get and I can start exercising again.
-
I don't know if I said this before or not....depressing day......extended (sisters etc) family members who don't make an effort to visit or call but know exactly how I should/do feel or how and what I should eat, none know anything about this and don't care to learn and ask from time to time why I look so "washed out" etc in pictures. Think from now on I'll wear a mask or a garbage bag.
-
What affects my self esteem is the tube in my chest.I have no sex drive.And my skin is sooooo dry it looks like I'm 70 and I'm only 49.Hope my skin gets better after the transplant.My energy level is way down.I have to force myself to do anything. :stressed;
-
I am manic about my skin and I hate it being dry and I haven't even started dialysis yet. I have tried all the expensive body lotions etc and I found the best is the very reasonable priced Johnson's Holiday Skin Body Lotion. It keeps my skin moisturised for up to 24 hours and I don't use if for the colour because I tan in summer but it you are a bit paler it gives a real summer glow and looks extremely natural. It comes in pale to normal skin and normal to darker skin. I love it. If you can't get it over there and you would like some, PM me and I will send you some over. xx
-
What affects my self esteem is the tube in my chest.I have no sex drive.And my skin is sooooo dry it looks like I'm 70 and I'm only 49.Hope my skin gets better after the transplant.My energy level is way down.I have to force myself to do anything. :stressed;
Hi Pam
Skin may still be dry after transplant due to some medications. But don't despair, it does seem to respond fairly well to moisturiser. I have always had dry skin (never had dialysis, btw, just got dry skin!), so this is nothing new for me. I am not quite 34, and I have dreadful skin, but I could tell even when I was much younger that it was always going to be this way. Even before I knew about my kidneys. *sigh*
-
:bump;
My scars effect my self esteam the most, for sure. I've only had two fistula surgeries, well three, if you count the one where they had to move it up to the surface. I have keloids in my body, or whatever, so my scars look horrible. I also have scars on my back and stomach. But those I don't mind, since you can't see them. The one that bothers me the most is the long one that goes from my crease in my elbow to my armpit on my right arm. It's thick, and gross looking and it itches so much. And it hurts. I don't mind my fistula TOO MUCH. But that's because it isn't too big. Yet. I just want my scars to heal, and look all white, or something. I wouldn't care then. They are all pink right now. I just want them to look like the one on my back. That one looks fine. Just really thick, but it blends. I had that surgery when I was like 5? And it didn't even need to be done. >:( I am grateful though, that the large scar made it so my fistula will work. :clap;
-
I would have to agree with Brianna about the scars affecting me the most! I know its superficial and stuff but being 24 you tend to just care about how u look on the outside. I know that when I had my stupid and UNNECESSARY surgery for the PD Catheter, and had it taken out and have a scar on my otherwise nice tummy it makes me mad and upset
-
Not being able to do what I used to be able to do.
-
Not being able to do what I used to be able to do.
Same - I'd put up with more tubes and more scars if I thought I could just do stuff like I used to.
-
Not being able to clean my house as it should be done, not having the energy to " shop" with the girls,and now, my hair looks like dried straw, and I have lost enough weight that I no longer have a butt. Well, I guess some of that could be attributed to my age, but, gee whiz, I didnt expect it!!!!
-
What shook me and my self-esteem most of all is the fact that in England
the NHS-health-system is allowed to judge as to who is considered to be “worth”
to receive a NHS-health-care-service and who is not worth it.
It came as a total shock to realize
(after my diagnosis of Lupus/SLE in 1995 & MCTD in2003), that:
if a NHS-patient suffers from a rare, chronic, genetically inherited disease,
they are NOT considered as a human being and that is why I am in ESRF
without NHS-medical care & no NHS-GP/doctor/nephrologist to go to.
I have no idea what to do if and when my kidneys stop functioning & no NHS-doctor
has ever explained to me different dialysis treatments, Dialysis-Centres, transplant opportunities etc.
Patients with a rare disease are not considered as human beings, they have no voice in the NHS:
no UK-authority, no EU-authority, no charity and no lawyer assist patients like myself.
This learning process came as a terrible shock to my self-esteem because
I had studied languages, philosophy, literature, art and music without realizing,
that my most basic human rights have not even been covered yet...
-
This is really a very good question. It made me think a bit. At first thought I'd say it is something physical like the aging process taking its toll but maybe that is a cop out. Truthfully I think it is that I am sick. I'm not supposed to get sick. That's for other people. Secondly that I've not accomplished much in this life. To whom much is given much is expected. It affects my self esteem greatly that I've screwed that up.
-
Coming to terms with the fact that this is not just an injury, something I can "get over" with a little perseverance. I have always been "the strong one" in my family. Always took care of everyone else. Now, I have trouble taking care of myself.
-
Making bad choices is my number one self-esteem wrecker! I've made some lu-lu's.
The things I have no control over don't get to me (too much), scars, deafness, physical attributes, but the things I can control and do badly, can send me into a tailspin. I am an over-achiever and I can be very, very hard on myself.
In the dialysis journey, hurting Carl is a real downer. When I look at the real estate of his fistula and choose a spot to stick that I know is going to hard, but go for it because the choices are limited, and then it hurts, or causes a huge scab, or bleeds alot, I feel that it was my responsibilty to do better. If I get an alarm and can't figure out how to fix it and we lose his blood, I feel like I have caused him physical harm. If he is feeling down (doesn't happen too often), and I let it get to me so I'm not helping him feel better, I feel like crap.
But the very worst is when I allow myself to play the self-pity game. I'm not the one on dialysis. I'm not the one stuck in the chair. I'm not the one having the needles stuck in my arm every day. So where do I get off feeling sorry for MYSELF? That's a huge battle. And I'm not proud of myself when I lose it.
There are so many brave people on this site dealing with far worse than I am, and doing so with grace and courage. I so admire you.
Aleta
-
I, too, am a transplant patient and what has really hurt my self-esteem is the weight gain since transplant that I can't seem to shake, the abnormally big tummy that I still have since transplant (one year ago), and what the anti-rejection meds have done to my hair. :( But otherwise I'm good. :flower;
-
I've had very low self esteem way before the kidney failure and dialysis. In high school I didn't hide the fact I was on dialysis. That is how I got the nickname Tubes. Because of the pd cath I had. I've always been open about it. My self esteem hit rock bottom when I started showing the effects of osteoporosis. Some days, I have to talk myself into leaving my apartment. I was 5'8 and now I'm about 5'4. Seeing the deterioration of my body is devastating. Crap, crying again. :'(
I've only dated a few times because I cant let myself get close to anyone. I've lost most of my friends because I refuse to go out with them. I don't work anymore because I'm scared to be out in public. No self esteem and being extremely self conscious, it's a wonder I even make it to dialysis.
-
Post transplant, I think it's the hair that's the biggest issue for me physically. Heck, if half the hair on my head was going to fall out, why didn't all the grey ones drop off? I don't care about the scars much. So the hair on my head stopped growing and fell out, and now there's a covering of blonde fuzzies all over my face. One of the nurses gave me a magnifying mirror my last couple weeks in the hospital. Auuuugh! I'd turned into a sasquatch. It grows really long, too. So now I'm shaving every couple of days.
On the bright side, I no longer need to shave my legs every day - that hair stopped growing along with the hair on my head.
-
I've had very low self esteem way before the kidney failure and dialysis. In high school I didn't hide the fact I was on dialysis. That is how I got the nickname Tubes. Because of the pd cath I had. I've always been open about it. My self esteem hit rock bottom when I started showing the effects of osteoporosis. Some days, I have to talk myself into leaving my apartment. I was 5'8 and now I'm about 5'4. Seeing the deterioration of my body is devastating. Crap, crying again. :'(
I've only dated a few times because I cant let myself get close to anyone. I've lost most of my friends because I refuse to go out with them. I don't work anymore because I'm scared to be out in public. No self esteem and being extremely self conscious, it's a wonder I even make it to dialysis.
Tubes, I would absolutely love to meet you in person because you appear to be just adorable!!! Hopefully you can make it to the next IHD get together.
-
Robert,
This made me so sad! It isn't the physical body that makes the person! That's just what we are stuck with. It's the spirit that lives inside the body that is important! That's why I don't give any truck to those things that I can't control. They aren't part of my character. I can control my character. And the physical deterioration isn't something that you have under your control.
I'm not trying to make light of your loss of self-esteem, but hoping that you can catch a glimmer of the reflection of the shining character that I see in your posts. That's the part of you that should matter to you and to everyone else.
Tht is what counts becuase that is who YOU are.
:grouphug; :grouphug;
Aleta
-
Robert,
This made me so sad! It isn't the physical body that makes the person! That's just what we are stuck with. It's the spirit that lives inside the body that is important! That's why I don't give any truck to those things that I can't control. They aren't part of my character. I can control my character. And the physical deterioration isn't something that you have under your control.
I'm not trying to make light of your loss of self-esteem, but hoping that you can catch a glimmer of the reflection of the shining character that I see in your posts. That's the part of you that should matter to you and to everyone else.
Tht is what counts becuase that is who YOU are.
:grouphug; :grouphug;
Aleta
Beautifully put as usual, Aleta. I agree 100%!
Robert, I see a wonderful, friendly, supportive person in your posts. You're a catch, as a friend or as a partner. I hope you can start to believe that about yourself, and let others around you into your life.
-
In some ways this is one of the true benefits of us meeting each other online. We don't see the physical things that are wrong with each other - we get to see the person inside. Tubes, like the others I see a gorgeous young man who really thinks of others and is there helping people whenever he can. I don't see the other stuff at all. Yay for online friendships eh?
-
kellyt, i'd love to meet u too and any other IHD member. :cuddle; Thou, I'd have to hide in the bushes so you dont see me. :sir ken;
Aleta, cariad & Hanify - thank you thank you so much. Your kind words & support mean so much to me. :grouphug;
Back in August/Sept. I was seeing a therapist. Mainly it was to clear me for transplant but I continued to see her. She was trying to help me with my self esteem and image issues. She started pushing me really hard to come out of my comfort zone. After about 4 sessions I couldnt do it anymore. I was going to have a nervous breakdown. So I quit seeing her. One of these days I'll start seeing someone again.
Until then, Hanify - online friendships are the best! :bandance;
-
Tubes, you know what Susie thought of you! And AlohaBeth! And me! It is interesting to read what we think of ourselves. My self-esteem issue? I had an older sister who my Mother set on a pedistal. I could never do anything as well as she did. It continued into adulthood. My sister held the most degrees, was smarter, more traveled,etc than anyone else. She walked on water and I never did anything good enough to please Mom. If I got 5 A's and 1 B ---why didn't I get all A's? But for the 5 years Mom was in a nursing home with Alzhiemers, my sister never came home to see her. I flew to Ohio every weekend to see her. And Mom never forget who I was when she couldn't remember anyone. I won in the end because I had that special time with Mom that I would never trade. I still feel inferior at times, but not quite as much as I did. I like myself, know I live a good life and can't change the rest.
And I adore Tubes! He is as cute as his nephew!
-
I have met Robert (Tubes) - he is a sweetheart - funny and charming and humble and you'd love him if you met him!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
-
I have met Robert (Tubes) - he is a sweetheart - funny and charming and humble and you'd love him if you met him!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
And good looking! I hope he gets a transplant fast, so we can all go to Vegas again! I know that Okarol, Jenna, Beth and Robert had a good time on the strip :2thumbsup;
-
My hair is dried out and yucky right now. It kills me to look in a mirror and see it all frizzed out. Good God, I even had a teacher look at me and say; "I hope yu have a brush for your hair before you see the kids." I do keep a brush in my desk and use it regularly but it does not help.
-
Kit, my hair has been looking like straw lately. I have been using Nioxin, both the shampoo and the conditioner, but yesterday I used a cleansing shampoo, the kind you use to take the chlorine out of your hair and then today I used my regular shampoo. It already looks a whole lot better, except of course, that I need a haircut badly. So, anyways, try the cleansing shampoo. Sallys has it, and it is a Paul Mitchell generic.
-
I look the same way! Straw hair! I hate it. My hair was always thick and healthy. Now, yucky and brittle. I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but it does.
-
It effects mine the most because of all the scars and my fistula. Everybody looks at it and says ewww thats gross or nasty and it really hurts my feelings. I also think its because im 22 years old and I feel like I dont have control over my life. I have a 16 month old daughter that cries when I leave for dialysis sometimes and that breaks my heart the most.
-
Oh my, Marie, what a beautiful baby!!! I bet that helps to rebuild your self esteem....
-
Marie, she is indeed a cutie!
-
My hair is dried out and yucky right now. It kills me to look in a mirror and see it all frizzed out. Good God, I even had a teacher look at me and say; "I hope yu have a brush for your hair before you see the kids." I do keep a brush in my desk and use it regularly but it does not help.
From: Molly Dye’s Survival Manual:
1) Add a few drops of ammonia to the final rinse when washing hair for added shine.
2) For an alternative shampoo, beat 1 egg with the strained juice of a lemon. Gives hair a healthy gloss. For fine hair, a beer rinse
(or a little beer on the comb whilst combing through) gives extra body.
3) Non-greasy Hair Oil: 100g Bay Rum, 50g pure glycerine, 15g oil of almonds and a few drops of essence of roses, jasmine or violets.
Shake well in a jar. Store in clean plastic spray bottle. Apply lightly to hair and comb through.
I do hope this may help, good luck from Kristina.
-
When I pour my heart out in a post trying to be supportive yet realistic and no one a notices that I even post.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Him is your special higher power....
-
Lots have replied to your great thread. The serenity prayer was way too much a part of my childhood. Great words, but at times I found no comfort in them.
-
There are several things that affect my self-esteem but in a positive way, and I should add that I feel extremely lucky to be someone who was given the gift of a healthy view of myself from my mother. To be clear, I don't think I'm wonderful, amazing, perfect, none of that, not at all. I do however feel perfectly adequate, aware of some important strengths, and even more aware of the failings and faults that mark me as a member of the human species.
Things that boost my self-esteem are friends who call and want to spend time with me, the children in my life who value my presence in their lives, people who laugh at my jokes, the doctors and medical people who think I do a better than average job at caring for this defective body I inhabit, the men (now don't get the wrong idea here, there aren't masses of them but there are at least two) who think I'm lovely and lovable (yes, of course they need glasses), the folks that like my cooking, the mother-in-law who tells everyone how lucky she is to have me married to her son, and finally the little chats I have with myself in order to remember all of the above when I get to feeling useless.
-
When I pour my heart out in a post trying to be supportive yet realistic and no one a notices that I even post.
OH, Dan,
perhaps it was noticed, but the reader could not find the emotional fortitude to reply. :cuddle;
Or perhaps the reader just isn't ready to hear what you had to say. We all take different paths to understanding and acceptance. It is great when those paths intersect, but oftentimes they just run parallel for a long time.
Rest assured that there are many of us who deeply appreciate what you contribute.
:)
Aleta
-
When I pour my heart out in a post trying to be supportive yet realistic and no one a notices that I even post.
OH, Dan,
Rest assured that there are many of us who deeply appreciate what you contribute.
:)
Aleta
Dan, I appreciate what you post. You are wise beyond your years, funny, and caring. But, more than your posts, I appreciate the person you are and the friend you have been to me. You will never, never, never, never know how you helped pull me through the toughest time in my life. You said earlier in this thread that you hadn't accomplished much in your life -- but you've made a difference in another's life. That is a great accomplishment! I'm sure I'm not the only other life you have touched.
What was the original question here? What affects my self-esteem the most? I usually don't have a problem with self-esteem. I do think I'm smart, wonderful, and amazingly strong. Dwcrawford also accused me one time of thinking that I was perfect -- no, Dan, not perfect, but pretty damn near close :rofl; :rofl; I do wish, however, that I could be a nicer person and a little less abrasive. When I feel my "kick ass and take names later" attitude popping up, I don't feel really good about the person I am.
-
Don't wory Alete and Marsha... It was just a temporary down time. Still fighting for a positive outcome for the holidays. Oh, the baggage that we all come with! lol
-
Baggage! :boxing;
Dan, my friend, the past may bring baggage, but it is water under the bridge. Can't change it one little bit. Take that baggage and toss it (if you can). Hng onto the good stuff and dump the rest.
But the FUTURE... now there is a field ripe for change. :2thumbsup;
Keep smiling, Dan. You mean alot to many folks, including me.
-
Baggage! :boxing;
Dan, my friend, the past may bring baggage, but it is water under the bridge. Can't change it one little bit. Take that baggage and toss it (if you can). Hng onto the good stuff and dump the rest.
But the FUTURE... now there is a field ripe for change. :2thumbsup;
Keep smiling, Dan. You mean alot to many folks, including me.
I found this to a good point for me to consider as well. Thanks. I can't change what has happened, just need to learn from it and try to a better person.
-
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Isn't that a little like what I said by coping the poem? See!
-
Yep! It is.
:2thumbsup;
-
There are several things that affect my self-esteem but in a positive way, and I should add that I feel extremely lucky to be someone who was given the gift of a healthy view of myself from my mother. To be clear, I don't think I'm wonderful, amazing, perfect, none of that, not at all. I do however feel perfectly adequate, aware of some important strengths, and even more aware of the failings and faults that mark me as a member of the human species.
Things that boost my self-esteem are friends who call and want to spend time with me, the children in my life who value my presence in their lives, people who laugh at my jokes, the doctors and medical people who think I do a better than average job at caring for this defective body I inhabit, the men (now don't get the wrong idea here, there aren't masses of them but there are at least two) who think I'm lovely and lovable (yes, of course they need glasses), the folks that like my cooking, the mother-in-law who tells everyone how lucky she is to have me married to her son, and finally the little chats I have with myself in order to remember all of the above when I get to feeling useless.
Thank you so much Monrein! And you are absolutely right!!! But you left one thing off (well, one that I know of anyway) and that is people, like myself, who are in awe of your garden(s)!!!!! LOVE THEM!!! ALL OF THEM!!!
-
I'm new to dialysis, but not new to health issues. I've felt the need to prove I was better my whole life with diabetes. Always held myself to a higher standard, worked more hours, took on the hardest jobs, worked all the holidays and stayed out of management so I could prove myself on the floor. I haven't given up, because I can't imagine sitting around collecting disability, but the past few weeks have made me rethink a few things.
Work...I simply can't do what I did. Constant aches and pains, energy is shot. My eyes seem to be bloodshot and dry constantly, so now my coworkers think I'm on drugs. My focus is toast, my normally quick, witty responses don't exist. People are starting to notice. They can see when I'm pale or exerted. Glucose fluctuates rapidly now. They talk about it...I hate it cause I was the go-to guy. Now they treat me like I'm on the verge of death when I clock in. My employers know "kind-of" what's going on, but I haven't pressed the issue and am probably covering the extent of my weakness.
Family...I haven't seen my oldest son since before the diagnosis and only saw my youngest once since. I kicked my mom out of the hospital out of pent up frustration. Haven't hung out with my cousins. Didn't attend Thanksgiving. Christmas is a wishlist from memories past.If I had a wife or girlfriend I'd be hell to deal with lol.
The hardest hit is not knowing if I'm even going to be here to reverse some of these things before it's too late. I hate not having the answers or the strength and the arrogance to know "I can do that tomorrow".
-
Sidenote: don't worry about attachments and scars. Most people it's a simple fleeting curiosity. Ignore em or explain it, whatever your personality type is. The ones that can't accept the gear or the wounds aren't the kind you really need to worry about anyways. Had scars all my life, had pumps for insulin, gear to manage the diabetes and doc visits out the wazoo, none of it slowed me down or made any difference in relationships up to this point.
Some kids found the stuff neat, some adults reacted odd at first but then treated me like I portrayed myself...I can do what they can. This changed that a bit, but I refuse to take it laying down. Had a girlfriend when this started, she bailed this past week. I attribute that mostly to a bad choice in women. She was way younger and not an intellectual equal as well as being slightly sheltered. But I figure if I could attract the hottest 24 yr old at work with my broken body once...I could do better anyday. Cause I wasn't even trying.
Self esteem is what you make yourself. I made myself "normal"...once I figure this thing out....it'll be a new normal, and I'll be right there and the other people will be "odd". :boxing;
-
As weird as it sounds, my diet affects my self-esteem. People think I'm being picky all the time... I'm not!
-
LOL ! This diet is crazy. I thought the limitations on a diabetic diet were silly...when I looked and what I COULD eat now and it fit on an 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper...that was straight depressing. It requires a strong will to eat something even when you're not hungry and unimaginable creativity to make something appetizing out of that very small list of ingredients.
I miss good food almost as much as the showers.