I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: gkcoley on September 15, 2012, 09:27:41 PM
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I have been on dialysis abotu 17 years and the past year or so i feel like i am angry all the time like i just cant seem to be happy and even things i used to love jsut annoy me and make me mad. Sometimes im even mad to the point of tears, and its cause my all array of things, there is no common thread cept me. Any ideas what might be causing it? how to deal?
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Chemical imbalance is common in D patients, causing depression. And just the situation you're in with D can grate on your nerves. Have you considered talking to someone about it? Maybe getting evaluated for depression? My husband had similar feelings (after only a year on D, so congrats making it so long without feeling like this) and he's on an antidepressant and testosterone and feels like a new person.
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I'd start with the chemical imbalance issues, like smcd suggested. Tell your doc what is going on, and ask for everything to be checked, not just the normal kidney tests. Testosterone, thyroid, vitamin....all these things can make a difference in your cognitive function. If all of that checks out, then you can move on to counseling and/or anxiety and depression meds. I know some people are reluctant to take them, but there's no reason to suffer in silence when there are some basic meds to get you back on track.
The way I see it - plenty of people with no health problems at all need some help to keep them level. We're on freaking life support - we're allowed to need some help with the bad times!
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17 years.... you have a right to be pissed off. Its like you can't live and you can't die. Sometimes just coming to IHD and venting helps me out. It is okay to say you hate it here. Most places would have you in counseling for saying that.
Then, counseling isn't a bad idea but they would not understand. They need counselors who are on dialysis that we can go to. Oh, that would be IHD..... :thumbup;
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When I was diagnose with ESRD, one of the first things I did was seek out mental therapy. I was lucky as I found a therapist who did group therapy for people with illnesses, I have been with the group for six years now. Even though I am the only one with CKD in a group of eight, it is surprising how many symptoms we share. Sharing the struggles, demands, and the successes of our illnesses is very helpful and a relief.
You are not alone is a powerful message that brings hope to people so I encourage you to look for help that works for you.
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Lots of us take antidepressant meds. I'd be worse than a little angry if I was on dialysis 17 years. Get evaluated. Then if you want therapy (which I love) remember you are also interviewing the therapist for a good fit. If you don't like one, try another. I have a great therapist. She has never been on dialysis, but her father was. But even before that she was a good therapist. Good therapists don't need to have your experiences to help you cope with anger and depression. They will listen to you and help you with what you need.
Good luck!
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I agree with all of the above. I'm doing this :banghead; for too long now too, and take Diazepam since year 3. Yeah I'm probably dependent, but I would be too angry to enjoy anything of life, without it. I would be too angry, too hyperactive (some sort of cortisol, adrenaline disruption or something <self diagnosed cos I refuse to go to any other overpaid person in a white coat> And I do not see the point in suffering D for nothing.
So follow all of the above advice, and seek help, please
good luck, take care Cas
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up to a couple of months ago i was angry all the time. What changed? I changed.. I decided to change my life. I got a new job, and started setting life goals. I started exercising more, it changed my mood quickly and now I am happy all the time.
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they say when you're diagnosed with a fatal disease you go through:
denial,
anger,
bargaining,
depression, and
acceptance
but what about kidney failure? It seems we're doomed to go through them all again and again and again. And sometimes get stuck somewhere indefinitely.
I'm angry too. I'm sure I'll be as angry as you once I've been on dialysis 17 years. But my anger is mostly situational. That is I'm not pissed off at God and life anymore, although it took me years to get to that point. Now I'm pissed off at the invisible people (corporation lackeys or government bureaucrats) who are supposed to help me but don't have any idea what my life is like or what they do to me when they cut their care. And there's a few visible people I'm pissed at too, like the doc I ended up with by default when my doc retired. I'm dealing with that by getting a new doc. It's the face to face people that are the hardest and I really try to deal with that by forgiving them and telling myself it's just ignorance and they would do better if they understood. Anger is self-destructive. For me I have to figure out who or what is making me angry, and forgive. Including myself. Forgiveness is healing. Forgive and be forgiven. But I think I'm going to check out some of the things others said above about vitamins and hormones. It's very possible I might a problem with something like that.
I just read that a vit b deficiency can cause mood disturbances/anger
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/guide/vitamin-b12-deficiency-symptoms-causes
and I stopped taking my prescription b vitamins because they cost too much :(
I remember hearing that magnesium helps stabilize mood.
http://www.ultraprevention.com/healing/depression.htm
but of course dialysis patients have to be careful with minerals
we're screwed
I know for a fact that anger and depression go hand in hand. They're flip sides of the same coin I think. We get depressed when we've been hurt or made to feel bad about ourselves by other people or by life itself. Anger is of course our natural protective reaction. I've been hurt in many different ways in my life and as a woman I'm more likely to follow the route of self-loathing because anger in females is extinguished more quickly than in men - it's not as socially acceptable.
I suspect that the others above are giving good advice that you and I should follow. If you're angry in situations that used to make you happy it's probably something chemical that's changed. Thanks for posting this. I'm thinking about trying to get an anti-anxiety med.
Does anyone reading this know about lowest side-effect anti-anxiety med? I was taking xanax years ago but it gave me nightmares. Suggestions?
gkcoley, please let us know how you proceed and progress
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Fearless, ItaleCymbalta which also seems to help with my joint and muscle pains. it's recommended for pain generated by fibromyalgia, which I believe is similar to the pain I get.
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Hi fearless, like I said before, I think Diazepam is okay (for me anyway) against anxiety, muscle cramps, and restless leg syndrome. I've never experienced bad side-effects.
love Cas
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diazepam is addictive, as is Xanax but If the work what the heck!
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up to a couple of months ago i was angry all the time. What changed? I changed.. I decided to change my life. I got a new job, and started setting life goals. I started exercising more, it changed my mood quickly and now I am happy all the time.
Yes, but i am also severly limited in doing these things cause i am in a wheelchair
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Some people can just say I am going to be happy and it works but those people are very rare.
Most of us have real struggles with depression, anger, anxiety, etc. They are not easy and not curable just because we say be cured. Medication can be helpful, therapy can be helpful, friends and family can help, hobbies or exercise can help, whatever helps you get through another day. But your feelings are real.
I hope you can find the help you need.
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Hi Fearless,
I can truly relate to how you are feeling. I’ve been on D for 14 years now and there are sometimes I get very angry and start to cry but I always talk myself out of it not allowing D to win. I find that when you are involved with something, you spend less time thinking about D. If you look on the internet for volunteer work, you will find something you can do while you are in a wheelchair. There are so many things to do. I feel your anger is coming from feeling that you are limited. You are only as limited as you allow yourself to be. You just need to be involved so you can feel that you are needed. Once that happens, your anger will turn to happiness because you are involve with too many thing to think about D. Don’t let D get you down. Look at it as something to give you more energy and keep you healthy so you can do the things you like.
Hang in there!!! 8)
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Thank you to those who've offered specific suggestions re: meds.
I'm sorry I sorta "hijacked" gkcoley's post. I just felt very empathetic to what he's feeling, so I "shared".
gkcoley: you're not alone.
cdwbrooklyn: perhaps you were writing to gkcoley?
I think you must be a very strong person to deal with 14 yrs on dialysis and be so happy and positive. And I know you are very earnest in your desire to help. But implying that a person is angry or depressed because they're not "involved" enough kinda misses the point. There may be many reasons why someone would be going through a bad time. Volunteer work doesn't necessarily solve root problem . I've tried it. It makes you feel good while you're doing it, but if you're limited by time, or lack of physical energy, it's no solution :(
Do you think it's possible that people can lose the joy they normally have for a medical reason? I think its worth checking out. Or sometimes people get angry or anxious because they're TOO needed: family responsibilities, financial worries, etc. There's no one-size-fits-all solution.
But thank you so much for your comment, it's certainly something to consider. Your attitude is inspiational.
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Thank you for all the help everybody, this gives me soem things to consider. Also, its not nto being involved because i do work from home for a company that i am the center of my group :D and Fearless, you didn't hijack it, its jsut good you found somebody to relate to...sometiems that makes all the difference.
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I am in the same boat. Mad at adults a lot! Some days just pissed for no reason. Sigh. Fourteen years of this SH**!
Nocturnal dialysis made the moods better. Do not swing as much from the rafters!
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*
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Personally, I know my anger comes from having to deal with the bureaucracy, inefficiency, hypocrisy, lack of empathy, inability to think outside the box, and sheer absurdity of the medical field in general, and dialysis in specific for 12 years now.
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I am pretty sure that depression results from chemical imbalances because of non-functioning kidneys as well as the physical, social and psychological aspects of the disease itself. that is why depression is so,prevalent in the renal community. all of us are survivors, dealing with complex medical issues on a daily basis. not surprised that it gr DS us down. I don't work ,but just trying to sort the house out between doing dialysis, doing what I need to for my family tires me out and frustrates me that I can't do more, so Fearless I admire you for the fact that,you work to. as to specific advise for you both, I really don't have any.
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We all have our temperament issues when dealing when this chronic condition. Look at the positive side, you have a job working from home. :bestwishes;
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Fearless, I’m glad you were inspirational regarding my attitude; however, it did not come overnight. I don’t believe that medication is always the answer to solving someone’s depression. In my opinion, some depressions come from a person’s attitude, how your feel about yourself in your current situation, and weather or not you accept what is. You can find happiness if you put your mind to it. D is not a bad thing as many people see it. If it wasn’t for D, we would not be here. So that’s one positive way to look at it. However, there are far more people in this world that suffers a lot more than you. Some people on D did not survive more than two years but you made it through 17 years. I think that’s plausible considering the odds.
Although, I have my not so good days, it’s not all the time. Most of the times I’m enjoying life and refuse to allow D to bring me to the point that will make me feel depress because I’m limited. If I am limited, I will accept it and do things that work for me. I’m not being unrealistic but sometimes our willingness NOT to change our attitude can cause depression and anger. It is good to have someone to vent to without judgment and help you through your depression and anger. What do you thing a therapy is going to do? Just listen to what you have to say and find a way to put you back on balance. Should that fail, he or she will prescribe medication. Yes, it helps so does talking to someone who’s willing to listen and understanding without judgment. Anyhoo, I truly believe you will get back on track because the first step to healing is talking about it.
Best Wishes!!!
Oh Yeah, I’m on D to live, not to live to be on D. Yes, I’m positive on D most of the times because doing it at home is a whole different world than doing it in-center. :2thumbsup;
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cdwbrooklyn,
I hope you will read this page over again from the top and pay attention to who's saying what. I haven't been on dialysis 17 yrs.
Thanks again for encouraging me by telling me I can find happiness if I put my mind to it. That's very helpful.
Hearing that "there are far more people in this world that suffers a lot more than you" is really helpful too.
thanks a whole lot cdwbrooklyn!
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GK, guddo's to you for keeping your head on D for 17 years. My husband is in a wheelchair also. He has amputations to deal with too on top of D. I know he mourns the loss of his limbs, daily. Its not just the dialysis, Ive got that covered for him, but I can't give him his legs. They are gone for good, and that is a lot to deal with.
Not all nights, but some nights I hear him weeping in the night. I lie there quitely, I never say a word to him, I let him get it out of his system. Its good for him to cry, because it is cleansing. Next day, he is good and lives for another day.
He does have prothetics but barely puts them on due to fluid build up. If you slighthly retain fluid, those prostetics are not very good. Now if he dialysis and puts it on, he is ok. But I D. him in the evenings and he goes to sleep afterwards.
I know he mourns the loss, and for that Iam helpless.
God Bless,
lmunchkin :kickstart;
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cdwbrooklyn, don't give up your day job to be a therapist. telling someone that there are people worse than you is not helpful. I am pretty sure that Fearless is well aware of that fact. if you have read her previous posts, you will discover that she works full-time, comes home to dialyse, goes to bed and repeats again the following day. A stressful situation I would have thought? your comments come across as very judgemental. a little understanding wouldn't come amiss.
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My bad…the first post was for gkcooley, sorry fearless but the first post was not meant for you. Now that’s said, fearless, I understand how you feel and others as well; however, I don’t really need to read it again. Please keep in mind that this website is only 5% of the people that are on D. I am talking through experience. I’ve been on D a long time and have met people who live very happy lives. The people that are happy had children while on D, got married while on D, travel to different countries while on D, studied in school and became doctors, nurses, teachers and many more while on D. So you see it’s not all bad. Not everyone on D feels the way you feel. Some people are happy to be on D because it’s keeping them alive so they can live life as normal as possible. Yet on the other hand, some people can’t deal with D mentally, psychically, and emotionally. I don’t wish D on anyone, not even my worse enemies but if you can deal with it, then make the best of it. As I said before, if you put your mind to it, you can do it.
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Amanda, I’m sure Fearless can speak for herself. Thank you for your opinion. For the record, I also work a full time job, and do D when I get home. However, it doesn’t stop me from living my life. I’m too blessed to be stressed and so is Fearless. That all I’m trying to say.
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:2thumbsup; :yahoo; :clap; cdBROOKLYN, I admire you for being able to cope with dialysis so well for 14 years. You give me hope that I can continue to adapt to the challenges ahead. I'm feeling pretty good today, and feeling good is good enough for me. :bandance; :bandance;
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well, I often feel as Fearless does, which is why I said why I did. your comments do not inspire. being told that there are people worse off than you when you are struggling with depression is rally not helpful, as I know from experience. I live my life, Andi enjoy life. I have done a degree, worked full time, re-located to a different county and had a child while having ESRD. that being said, the grief for a future lost pops up again and again. fearless is relatively new to NxStage and the challenges it brings. the honeymoon is over and the reality sets in. I felt just the same way at about the same time after starting NxStage, so hopefully it is just a reactionary phase. when people post on here about how they feel, they are in the moment. that doesn't mean that they aren't resilient, don't/won't enjoy life now and in the future. what they don't need is someone moralising on how they should feel and act. kudos to you if you can be so positive; not everyone can.
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Hi All,
Interesting post. It's good (for me, anyway) to hear all the various emotional reactions to the situation(s). I do think some moods are directly chemical. Drugs do that, of course. I have been on major doses of prednisone before and been completely whack for log periods as a result. On the other hand, I find that micro-management (of the all the basics: food, meds, sleep, exercise, fluids...) is crucial in this CKD limbo we are in. It certainly tries ones patience on a daily basis, but it is the only hope for actually enjoying living through this, meds or not.
Because I got my first auto-immune disease when I was eleven, there is a lot for me to look at retrospectively in order to put the puzzle pieces together, if you know what I mean--observing my personal physical reactions to various inputs. In my view this is a very big deal; this is where I am able to make sense of things, more so than looking solely at what the Dr.s present me with. But, I suppose that only comes with a history of sorts, and doesn't solve everything that comes down the pike.
In the end though, I mostly agree with cdw, because when I get angry, I always think that living well is the best revenge, and would have been my goal anyway, had I not wanted or needed any revenge! And then....I'm right back to micro-managing again. ::)
Btw, I tried Prozac recently (which I knew from previous experience I preferred over Paxil or some others), and it put me straight to sleep. Honestly, they might as well have given me some old-fashioned downers--just worthless in my case. My Dr.s have told my that I can take Tryptophan if I want. It is expensive, but you can just use it as needed, instead of every day. I'm pre-dialysis, gfr 12, so that may be why I got sleepy!! What I actually desire is coffee, lol.
Good luck and God bless to all of you.
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@ Whamo – That’s how I felt when hearing positive stories from people who survive much longer than I did and yes it does feel good.
@Amanada – Believe me I do understand and can relate; however, I’m more of a positive person and love to hear positive things. I’m not telling anyone what to do, I’m just sharing my experience and what helped me. I believe you took it the wrong way. Anyhoo, I do respect your feelings and admire all the things you’ve accomplished while on D. Now that’s what I like to hear to pick me up and to keep me going as Whamo had expressed.
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Oh wow! I can see the anger in the way people treat each other on this thread.
Remember everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether you like it or not personally.
Please no personal attacks. Express your opinion, and please be nice to one another.
kitkatz-Moderator
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lmunchkin:
God bless you. i think you are an angel.
Amanda: thanks. Yeah, i think you understand what I'm going through.
When i was doing PD there was so much time to meditate and de-stress and even enjoy the simple pleasures. With trying to do "slow" dialysis in the framework of "short-daily" (which comes out to "long-daily" - ever single moment seems to be about dialysis or care-related. Without an extra minute anywhere, when something goes wrong and throws a monkey wrench in the works, it's almost too much.
I found a better doc and am switching to a new clinic, and am checking out a nocturnal in-clinic about an hour's drive from home. Really psyched about the possibility of having some TIME again! Thank you so much.
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Personally, I know my anger comes from having to deal with the bureaucracy, inefficiency, hypocrisy, lack of empathy, inability to think outside the box, and sheer absurdity of the medical field in general, and dialysis in specific for 12 years now.
THANK YOU! It's been four months for me on dialysis, and you just described exactly how I have felt since I was first diagnosed and had to deal with this medical "system" as we know it. And, boy am I pissed.