I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: Beth35 on July 12, 2011, 05:55:34 AM
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I have been in dialysis since March. This is my second stint on dialysis. I was on it for five years beginning at the age of 20 and got a transplant when I was 25.
Now I'm a single mom with two young kids through adoption. Things are harder now at 37. I thought they were hard at 20. Ha!
My mom decided to retire to help me on my dialysis days. I am in the process of short selling my home in order to move near my family and recieve more help.
Well, my mom is uh, controlling to put it nicely. She likes to tell me what to buy or not buy, how to discipline my kids, and the list goes on and on. When we disagree she SCREAMS at me. She has been a screamer since I was young. I was a very good kid. Never got in trouble for anything yet I got screamed at all of the time. Same with my sister and brother.
So a few weeks ago we got into a fight. She got mad because I wanted to buy carpeting for the house I was going to be renting. The floor was messed up and I wanted the kids to have a play room. She didn't think I should be spending money on carpet. She flipped out, screamed at me. Told me that I annoy her everytime I see her which totally shocked me because I am the calmest, sweetest person and I walk on egg shells trying to avoid her wrath.
Then she tells my sister on the phone that I'm lazy, all I do is lay on the couch all day and blah, blah, blah. That hurts me so much. First of all, I have two young kids. The only time I lay on the couch is when they are at school or in the evenings when they are in bed. I NEED to lay down after dialysis but she doesnt' understand that. During the school year I'm up at the crack of dawn each day getting the kids ready and I'm there at three to pick them up and take them to sports. I was my daughters class mom. I volunteered in the library for my son's class. I helped organize the end of the year play for the kindergarten class.
Now I feel very alone and I hate that my mom feels that I'm lazy when really I have a serious illness. I have been sick for more than half of my life. I have been in and out of hospitals and have had too many surgeries to count. I have scars all over my body. Why can't she understand that I'm ill and I need help. And why does she need to scream at me and make me feel even more depressed?
So I put my kids in camp since I now have no one to watch them on my dialysis days. Now I hear she is blaming me for her retiring when I specifically told her not to retire because of me. She had been planning to retire soon anyway.
I am so angry and hurt and depressed. I do feel like this is an invisable illness and people just don't understand. I think I am more depressed now than I have ever been.
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I'm so so sorry things are that rough for you. :grouphug; I don't have many suggestions except is there a way you can get some therapy? It would be great if you had someone to listen to you and help you. And you are NOT LAZY! Dialysis wipes everyone out.
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You sound like a wonderful mummy to two very lucky children. It's so important for you to hold onto that.
I'm afraid I have no advice, but I wanted to show some support. I'm hoping she's not the only family you're moving to be near?! Does she have reason to scream and get so mean with her words ... does she feel guilt for you having ESRD, for example?
I really hope that you can both overcome this and that she sees the error of her ways. It must hurt like crazy at the moment. Stay strong; come and rant on here when it feels like there's nowhere else to turn.
*huggles*
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Sorry, but I would cut this abusive woman out of my life like a tumor. Her self-centered behavior is the LAST thing you need on top of everything else. Perhaps when she can act like a civilized human being she'll have earned the right to be part of your life.
Just my :twocents;
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:grouphug;
Part of me wants to vote with DD - just toss her out of your life. Easier said than done, though. I would, however, totally refuse to be screamed at. I'd treat her just like one of the kids when she started. "Inside voice, mom. I won't discuss this unless you can talk in a normal tone."
I know that saying NO is hard, but it does get easier with practice. I hope knowing that none of us on IHD thinks you are lazy helps the next time you are face to face with her. She is WRONG.
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I think your mother has a problem.
I suspect that even if you were not on dialysis and walked around wearing a halo :angel;, she'd still find something to scream at you about.
The first thing I would do is to tell her straight up that the next time she yells at you, you will calmly escort her out the door. She does not have the right to treat you that way, and you do not have to let her.
Her behaviour has nothing to do with you.
It's disappointing when a parent shows that she is not one of those idealized moms, but there you go. As I said, this woman has issues. You could try to get to the bottom of it and have a right good chinwag over tea, but something tells me that she needs more help than that if either of you are really going to discover what is behind her selfish behaviour. Or, you could just ignore her outbursts and keep telling yourself that she isn't emotionally/psychologically stable and healthy, which is probably easier to do since you have so much else on your plate.
You've said that she seems to treat your siblings the same way. What do they say? If you are really worried that your sister truly believes your mom when she says you are lazy, maybe you could get your sister to come to dialysis with you one day to see what physiological trauma dialysis can cause. Just because your mom claims you are lazy doesn't mean it is true, nor does it mean that anyone believes her.
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Beth, if I've learned anything over the last seven years, its that negativity, in whatever form it manifests itself (you, others) does nobody any good. When it all comes down to a lowest common denominator, Dialysis is a full time job. It slithers and slinks into ever aspect of your life and doesn't let go. The "you don't look sick" mantra is tired and insulting.
Even though she is your mother, someone like that is never going to change and always bring strife to your life. I would limit my interaction and continue doing what you're doing: being a good Mom to your kids.
Honestly, I don't know how you do it. I have enough trouble just taking care of myself; that's a full time job all by its lonesome.
All my best & here's hoping for a positive outcome.
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Hi Beth,
I was a caseworker before I got sick with kidney failure and dialysis and all I can tell you is that you are not alone. There are so many families like yours, (sad but true), and they go through life with hate, and resentment for their family members, at no fault of their own. My opinion is that you are not going to be able to fully change the relationship you have with your mother. It sounds like she loves to plat the "martyr", she will do "anything" for you, and expects something in return, even though she may tell you that something is not a big deal, or that she doesn't need anything. I agree with some people who have posted that therapy may help, but only in expressing yourself in a mediated setting, where an argument and the yelling won't break out and make you feel defensive and depressed. If you are a passive and soft-spoken person, it may be best to have someone else there to help you express yourself, without making your mother feel like she is being attacked.
I know exactly what it is like with having an illness for a long time. I was diagnosed at age 12 with GN, and was lucky to have a very supportive mother and father. Kidney disease, dialysis, or any illness is so hard, not only on you, but on the family as well. I would encourage mom, to read more information on dialysis (if she hasn't already), or to talk to your dialysis unit or doc. so that they can explain more in depth about what you really need. Everyone needs a break! I have an 8 month old, and if I didn't have my boyfriend, or neighbors to confide in without judgement I don't know what I would do. I am really glad that you found this site, so that you know that you have support.
I would lastly, explain to your mother that being yelled at does nothing for your motivation, and hurts you. (Plus, if she is yelling in front of your kids, it is doing damage to them as well). Good luck, and if you are ever in need feel free to talk with me! :cuddle;
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First I want to thank each and every one of you for your comments and support. I knew you guys would understand.
It's amazing how well you guys described my mom based on the little I told you. It's just so sad and hurtful to lose the little family you have KWIM? But at this point, I'm so done with her behavior. I have taken years of this crap and I am not going to stand for it anymore. She either changes, or we have to really limit our contact.
To answer a few questions, I am no longer moving to the town she lives in because of this. I have a Grandmother and an Aunt and Uncle in that town as well, but I'd rather live near my sister and have some distance between my mom and I. My sister lives in PA so I'm currently looking for a house there. My sister can give me the help I need and I'll feel safer knowing I have family near me in case of an emergency.
My siblings know how our mom is and they agree with me. They don't like it either but because they don't "need" her right now, my mom doesn't get to rule their life. My mom will help me and then throw it in my face when she gets mad.
Quite frankly, I know she is stressed. My younger sister has Downs Syndrome which means they will be forever raising a child and I know they worry about what will happen when they die. Then they have me, who was diagnosed with IGA when I was just 15. So they totally hit the unlucky tree when it comes to kids.
BUT, I have had to deal with this disease my whole life or that I can remember. It has not been easy but the one thing I never did was become a mean, or sad person because of it. No one wants to deal with that. I had a boyfriend for eight years and he dumped me when I got my transplant and gained weight. I have had a lot of losses in my life and yet I continue to try and do my best. So while I get that she is stressed, so am I. And yet she just doesn't get that. She doesn't get that this disease affects me that much.
I just can't let her do this in front of my kids. After our first fight, she called and asked ME to apologize to HER. I refused and told her she owed me an apology. We sorta got over it and then last week we had a fight on my son's birthday. I got home from dialysis. My son opened his presents. He accidently hit his sister in the face with a foam toy he had gotten. When she began to cry my mom screamed at him at the top of her lungs. It terrified him and he began crying saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I know, I'm stupid, I'm stupid!" I was so mad. I grabbed him and told him that it was an accident and that it was going to be ok. She flew into a rage saying that I spoil him and that I should not have even gotten him the toy in the first place and right in front of the kids she said she was leaving. We were on our way out to eat to celebrate and then have cake afterwards. Nope, she screamed and screamed some more and walked out on us. On my son's seventh birthday. He cried and cried. I still feel like I just can't forgive her for that.
I have not spoken to her since. My dad called me to check on me. He said mom was really upset. Well I heard her screaming in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. She won't talk to me like that again! I'm done with her!!!"
Well, I guess I'm done with her too. Sigh. I guess my mom just wants to add another problem in my life. Not sure there is room for many more problems. :embarassed:
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Oh and btw, I just got back from the town pool where I spent five hot hours in the sun with two active kids on a 97 degree day that felt like over 100 with humidity. Yet, I'm told I'm lazy and lay around all day. Ahhhhhh.
Oh and I plan on seeing a therapist soon. I NEED someone to talk to! My mom would never go to one. I have told her she needed one and she has always refused. I think she knows what they would say to her. Ha!
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Beth, my husband has a brother who, at a very early age, developed a high fever that left him disabled. He is nonverbal and is on the autistic spectrum. In the space of days, he went from a very bright toddler to an very sick child whose verbal and social skills deteriorated as he got older. He has lived his entire life with their parents until just a week ago when finally, at the age of 46, he was found a place in a group home in a nice nearby neighborhood.
That you have a sibling with Down's Syndrome makes me think that your mother has not coped very well to this dispiriting challenge. My husband's mother was not emotionally healthy to begin with; I had been told that her own mother displayed symptoms of mental illness, so she was not ever taught the tools with which to cope with having a handicapped child. She was actually told by her mother that her son's illness and subsequent disability was her fault because she married a Catholic (what can you say to that?). So, my husband's childhood was rife with screaming matches with his mother. There were times when she would lock him in a room or would throw something at him. He has told me that he felt like she resented his existence. And you know, that's probably not far from the truth. I'm guessing that she would look at my husband and thinking, "My other son was supposed to be like that." Maybe my husband served as a constant, painful reminder of what she wanted her other son to be. She took out her anger and disappointment on my husband because he was vulnerable and he was there.
I can't help but draw a parallel between your story and tht of my husband.
However, even if this bit of psychoanalysis hits its target, it's all well and good to have some explanation for your mom's behaviour, but understanding it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. To have her behave that way around your kids is atrocious, and your first duty as a mother is to protect your kids from harm, and your mother is causing them harm. It's just that simple.
What is your dad's role in all of this? Is he pretty passive? My husband's dad is that way, and his cowardice is one reason I have limited contact with him. For him to sit by and silently witness this abuse is inexcusable. What does your dad have to say for himself?
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feel comfort that I know exactly what you are dealing with when it comes to your mom. Sounds like our moms could be twin sisters!!! OMG it is so frustrating being the person who is sick and trying to be strong, in control, and put together all the time; while feeling the pressure and hurt from mom (or other family members) telling us we aren't good enough, working hard enough, bad parent etc...
so funny this has been posted b/c my mom and I were talking tonight...(this is the first time I have seen her since transplant 3 weeks ago) and I was like "Do you feel guility or anything for not giving Neil or I a kidney. We could have avoided dialysis for a lot longer period of time if maybe we would have been transplanted when we were small children. (In hind sight I shouldn't ask my mom these questions b/c it just makes us fight, but I am blaming it on the Oxycodone)
Anyway her response, "What do I have to feel sorry about? I needed to work and take care of you guys. You ended up with a transplant and were fine for 10 years.
Me "Well what about Neil." mom - "Well he just had a run of bad luck with his kidney but oh well."
Makes me wonder when she says "take care of you" doesn't that mean take care of our physical health as well? My mom is truly a mystery to me...she will go to her grave thinking she should get "mom of the year" award.......see apparently I need to see someone about my mother issues as well.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone! You are sick, dealing with a major illness. Take time for yourself and your kids.
take care,
xo,
R
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Moosemom, my dad has his own issues. He's been a grumpy guy all of his life. Or all that I can remember anyway. My mom screams at him too. Maybe that is why he is so grumpy? Not sure.
My dad has the same blood type as I do yet he never offered to give me a kidney. That has always kind of bothered me. I mean, I am his daughter. I would never ask but I just feel that he should have offered. I would have done it in a second if my child were on dialysis. So I know exactly how you feel rsudock.
My dad is not one to step in and make peace. He just wants to stay out of the line of fire himself.
In the end, I agree that my mom has a lot to deal with and I'm sure it's hard for her. But I also agree that I don't need to put up with it and have her bring me down. I have enough to deal with and I'm putting my foot down this time. We have not spoken since this has all happened however she got a new cell phone and sent me a text. She said nothing of our issues, just that she's learning how to text now and asked how I was. That's it.
Believe it or not, I'm upset that this has all happened. But I feel a lot more at peace that for the past two weeks, I have not been screamed at, judged, or been picked on. I have been making major life decisions without my moms input or demands shall I say and it feels good.
Let's hope I can continue to stay strong. I'm hoping to have her back in my life but with the understanding that she can't bully me anymore. If she does, than I guess we would need some more space.
Thanks for listening everyone! I appreciate your feedback and advice!
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OK, Beth, THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!
It doesn't surprise me one bit that your dad just wants to stay out of the line of fire. I've seen that happen before! ::)
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:cuddle; You can do this, Beth. You can refuse to participate. You can refuse to share any details, so she can't tell you what you did wrong. And you can refuse to let her near your kids. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse.