I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: boxman55 on January 04, 2009, 07:17:14 AM
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I am very curious if this is in your head alot...Boxman
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I think about it a lot, not morbidly but more in the sense of wanting to be sure I do the best I can every day because none of us gets out of here alive. Without D, I would have been gone at 26 so I'm grateful every day for any extra time I have.
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I didn't do the survey since I am not on D, but I do think about my mortality more than I think I should. Is it a middle age thing? Is it heightened by being on dialysis? Does it depend on the person? (Boxman - I hope you don't mind me butting in.)
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I didn't do they survey since I am not on D, but I do think about my mortality more than I think I should. Is it a middle age thing? Is it heightened by being on dialysis? Does it depend on the person? (Boxman - I hope you don't mind me butting in.)
I should of been more general. All can chim in. Thanks...Boxman
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Actually, I started to think about my mortality long before I developed ESRD.
When my dear mom passed away, I attended her funeral and burial in our family plot. All of our family who have passed away are buried there. Then my dad showed me where my own future gravesite will be.
When I saw my future gravesite, that's when I started to think about it, at least occasionally.
But now, with ESRD, I think about it every day.
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All the time, but not in a morbid way. I just need to remind myself to "be present in the moment" and not let days slip away. Good question, Boxman :thumbup;
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Since my dad died at 28 years old, I always thought there was a chance my life would end early. I have so much to do, I hope I stick around a long time.
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i think about it every now and again but not because of esrd. i can remember thinking about it as a child and figuring out how old i would be in the year 2000 and deciding 49 wasn't so old and i would probably live to see the new century. (i've always been strange) now i think about it because the things i really want to accomplish in my life i don't have much control over. will i live long enough to see chayton graduate from high school, college? will i live to see my grandchildren married? things like that. my mother has 4 greatgrandsons. i want some too. told you i was strange.
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Death ride with me everyday and I think I scare it! I know I am living on God's good grace and borrowed time. I never expected to live this long, so it surprises the hell out of me every day!
I should prep a will and my last wishes. I have let my husband know what I want after I go. And he knows my life saving or not lifesaving wishes. He thinks I am being morbid. I just wish my daughters would be speaking to each other so my memorial service is not full of venom between them. Sigh!
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don't really think about it, but yes its coming one of these days
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I have had a fantastic life with few regrets and I feel like I have fitted 100 years into 47 and I have met amazing people. The people I love most with the exception of my sister have passed away so I don't really feel like I would be leaving anyone behind. With a bit of luck I might outlive my dogs so I won't be leaving them without a mummy but basically now I just live every day like it could be my last. I try not to think about death too much because even thinking about it is wasting life because quite honestly the subject is a little terrifying. The unknown usually is. I had a terrible phobia about death for years until my Mum passed away. After that I decided that wherever she was I wanted to be. I realised all those years I was more terrified of her dying and not myself. That said, I still don't like the idea but I don't dwell on it anymore.
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Death ride with me everyday and I think I scare it! I know I am living on God's good grace and borrowed time. I never expected to live this long, so it surprises the hell out of me every day!
I should prep a will and my last wishes. I have let my husband know what I want after I go. And he knows my life saving or not lifesaving wishes. He thinks I am being morbid. I just wish my daughters would be speaking to each other so my memorial service is not full of venom between them. Sigh!
I was about to say, no, I don't really think about it, until I read what you said about a will. I realized that I guess I have thought about it, since I just had a living will and power of attorney done and notarized this week. 31 years old with a living will! Yikes! :o I guess I started thinking about it because I've been feeling worse and am in the process of getting myself listed for a transplant. I remember thinking that because it is such a serious surgery, I should be prepared incase something happens.
In regards to the poll, wouldn't 'sometimes' technically qualify as 'yes'?
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Although I am not on dialysis, I think about it occasionally. None of us knows how long we might have here. As long as it does not become a fixation, I think it is good to reflect upon what one has done so far in life and what one would like to do in the future.
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I'm sure that we all think of it sometimes but I try not to. My nephrologist once told me about the patient ( pre dialysis) that left his office and was killed by a car. I think that he was trying to say, don't spend too much time worrying about it. A lot of other things could happen.
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I think about it often but I don't dwell on it. It has been such a struggle my entire life that it doesn't scare me at all. I feel I have so much more to do and contribute to mankind, but if it is my turn to go I'm ready.
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Since my husband died when I was 46 I've stopped believing (like we used to) that we would still be together at 80+ and realise that nothing is guaranteed. I don't dwell on it but I do sometimes worry how my parents and my sons will manage if I died in the near future and who'd look after my dog, I just do what I can to 'put my affairs in order'. I've made a will, signed the organ donor register (and told my nearest and dearest) and left everything in one file (and told my sons where it is) so everything will be as straightforward as possible - not easy for them by any means as these things never are, but as easy as I can make it.
As for worrying about myself, well yes sometimes I wonder if I will end up on dialysis like Dad - I have his high cholesterol so will I have heart probems, circulation problems etc. but generally I get on with life and leave the rest to God/fate - I just hope I will pass away peacefully and painelssly without knowing anything about it (and hopefully not for a long time to come!)
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:ukflag;
I know John thinks about it all the time, before John had his major surgery in 2007 he asked the Surgeon how long have I got if I have this operation and he said "You might go out of here and be run over and killed by a bus, who is to say "
As we are second time married and both have out own families we made our wills when we got married about 14 years ago, it was done to stop the kids fighting who gets what when either of our time came around.
I think your name is on a list, when it comes up you have no choice. It seems to me it's the good one's that go first for some reason, I have lost a Mum, Dad and a sister, John lost a son at 6 years old.
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yes i do thees days no one has lived past 48 in my family . So now that my ckd is gitting woes and I'm in my mid 40 i think about it . then i try to let it go i shier cant stop it and i will live on in my love ones hart
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I do, and I try to use it as both a motivation and a comfort. I need to think about living my life fully, as monrein discussed, and I can be sure that the struggle will end.
It's harder for my wife.
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i dont think about it much.
When i do i only wonder about what will happen to Karen.
I have no control over it. When God says it is time then so be it :bow;...
be prepared..
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I think about it all the time.
But then, Goodpasture's Disease nearly killed me 7 1/2 years ago so I constantly live with the knowledge of how lucky I am to come out the other end alive. There is never a day that goes by where I don't thank the Lord for my being here. On the other hand, each day I constantly wonder why I was allowed to be so lucky. At times I start worrying about how long my luck is going to last. Yes, my mortality is always staring at me in the face. I can usually stare it down.
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I've learned I'm only hanging here by a thin thread. I'm just trying to make the most out of whatever time I have left.
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I do and I'm comfortable with the thought. I worry so about my son's tho so hope God will give me more time to help them with this journey.
Ann
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I'm with you G-MA. I think my son may be one of the reasons the Lord has left me here.
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Yeah I think about it I've come so close to it so many times :o I hope I have many years left I'm just starting dialysis and my kidneys are still functioning somewhat.... but I try to live one day at at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I feel I'll go when He's ready to take me and not before eh.... (I have heard the doctors tell my family we don't expect her to live when they thought I was unconscious he he.. I remember waking up and saying you wanna make a bet... :rofl;
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G-Ma & Dkerr,
I think part of why I'm still here is to see to the raising of my son and daughter too. I'm so happy I can be here for them.
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Sunny - I feel the same way. My mother died when I was 18 years old and my sister was 14. The affect on us was profound in many ways. I feel so greatful that its taken this long for me to start having problems. My mother had a transplant in 1968 and died less than a year later from cancer. I'm hoping dialysis will allow me to be here for my kids for a long time.
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I think about it pretty much daily. I lost my mother in 2004, then my health went south quickly too. A triple bypass in Dec '07 with a near death experience, then starting Dialysis this last Sept of '08, has given me much to think about. I actually asked my nephrologist "What if I don't do this?" I then went home and looked at my 10 year old daughter and decided to stick around for a while. This has been a real roller coaster ride for me...I get emotional just typing this out. I sure hope it gets better sometime...
John (jazzin11)
Bellingham, WA
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I answered no, and I had to think about my answer...
I still think I am wonderwoman, with a lumpy arm , but still...wonerwoman
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I answered no, and I had to think about my answer...
I still think I am wonderwoman, with a lumpy arm , but still...wonerwoman
Good on you Kimmy. You keep thinking exactly that way. You are Wonderwoman!
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I have to answer YES but I would love to answer NO.
If anyone has the key to not thinking about it please pass it on to me. My Dad died at 41 from complications associated with dialysis and PKD.
I am what you would call a "worry wart". My own worst enemy. :urcrazy; :urcrazy;
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I think about it most of the time. I was very healthy. It's not fair. I am angry also most of the time. I thought I was at the acceptance stage but then I get mad all over again. When I think about the oral surgeon not letting my mouth get numb enough and then blowing out my kidneys, it pisses me off. Just a few more minutes of his time and this wouldn't have happened.
Reading stuff on this site gets me more upset (although I am glad to get real information). Just to think about what I will have to go through is scary and makes me think about dying.
I guess I just have to be glad that Jesus died for me and when the time comes I will be ready at least that way.
I am trying to stay as healthy as possible and put off dialysis or transplant as long as possible. Then it is up to God.
Good subject Boxman.
Normie
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I hardly think about it, except for one day a few days after I had started dialysis, when I was really thirsty and couldn't imagine living indefinitely feeling like that. I don't think that was suicidal thinking; it was just the alternative to being thirsty. It wasn't pleasant, anyway. Since then I've got used to it. I don't actually feel that ill, so it's easy not to think of it as a dangerous condition to have.
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Maybe about 1% of the time I think about mortality. The other 99% I just live my life, kicking deaths ass one day at a time. It's like when I go through a hard time I dare it to get worse--I have this dialogue in which I think is this all you have? Is this all you can do to me? Well, F you! Somehow it makes me feel stronger mentally and eventually I get over it.
Donna
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(alene writing)
As a caregiver, I find myself aware of my mortality. I hope to be around at least as long as Rolando needs me. For the longest time I had no life insurance. Now I've had to rethink that and make sure that those who need me are well taken care of should I "leave".
Also, I am now old enough that I think Harry and Thurgood are my last pets - I wouldn't want to leave them behind.
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(alene writing)
As a caregiver, I find myself aware of my mortality. I hope to be around at least as long as Rolando needs me. For the longest time I had no life insurance. Now I've had to rethink that and make sure that those who need me are well taken care of should I "leave".
Also, I am now old enough that I think Harry and Thurgood are my last pets - I wouldn't want to leave them behind.
Alene,
I, too, think about my mortality -- mostly because I worry about what will happen to Marvin if I'm gone. That terrifies me -- the thought that he'll still need me and I won't be here. I also think about what would happen to Hop-Sing (my four-legged baby) because no one (no, not even Marvin) would love him and care for him like I do.
Marvin, however, never seems to think about his mortality. He's says he's too busy enjoying life each day to worry about that. He also says that when it's his "time," it will be his time and there's nothing he can do to change that (I think it's the Presbyterian up-bringing in him). From the way Marvin acts, you'd never believe that he's the dialysis patient and he's the one who has come so close to death several times.