Emails - add to this (funny / unique)

[angieskidney]

Subject: English language
 
Calling all word lovers....    English Language
 
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on.  If you've learned to speak
Fluent English, you must be a genius!  This little treatise on the lovely
Language we share is only for the brave.  Peruse at your leisure, English
Lovers.
 
 
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
 
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
 
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
 
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
 
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
Present the present.
 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 
 
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
 
10) I did not object to the object.
 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
 
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
 
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
 
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
 
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
 
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
 
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
 
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
 
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
 
 
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in
France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
 
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig  And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  Is it an odd, or an end?
 
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
 
How can we have noses that run and feet that smell?
 
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
 
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
 
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
Creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
 
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
 
Have a great Day!

[Bajanne]

I got this in an email to which I subscribe.

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the old ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[angieskidney]

Email I got today .. and I thought I would share it here simply because so many times we are so consumed by our dialysis life .. we seem to forget that others might have their own complications in their life and things to add to ours...

She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live.  I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world begins to close in on me.  She was building a sand castle or something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
"Hello," she said.
 
I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.
 
"I'm building," she said.
 
"I see that.  What is it?" I asked, not really caring.
 
"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."
 
That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.  A sandpiper glided by.
 
"That's a joy," the child said.
 
"It's a what?"
 
"It's a joy.  My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
 
The bird went gliding down the beach.  Good-bye joy, I muttered to myself, hello pain, and turned to walk on.  I was depressed, my life seemed completely out of balance.
 
"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
 
"Robert," I answered.  "I'm Robert Peterson."
 
"Mine's Wendy...  I'm six."
 
"Hi, Wendy."
 
She giggled.  "You're funny," she said.
 
In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on.  Her musical giggle followed me.
 
"Come again, Mr.  P," she called.  "We'll have another happy day."
 
After a few days of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings, and an ailing mother.
The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out of the dishwater.  I need a sandpiper, I said to myself, gathering up my coat.
 
The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me.  The breeze was chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.
 
"Hello, Mr.  P," she said.  "Do you want to play?"
 
"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
 
"I don't know, you say."
 
"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
 
The tinkling laughter burst forth again.  "I don't know what that is."
 
"Then let's just walk." Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.  "Where do you live?" I asked.
 
"Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
 
Strange, I thought, in winter.
 
"Where do you go to school?"
 
"I don't go to school.  Mommy says we're on vacation."
 
She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was on other things.  When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day.
 
Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.  Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic.
 
I was in no mood to even greet Wendy.  I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt like demanding she keep her child at home.
 
"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today." She seemed unusually pale and out of breath.
 
"Why?" she asked.
 
I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought, My God, why was I saying this to a little child?
 
"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
 
"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and--oh, go away!"
 
"Did it hurt?" she inquired.
 
"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
 
"When she died?"
 
"Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in myself.  I strode off.
 
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there.  Feeling guilty, ashamed and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door.  A drawn looking young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
 
"Hello," I said, "I'm Robert Peterson.  I missed your little girl today and wondered where she was."
 
"Oh yes, Mr.  Peterson, please come in.  Wendy spoke of you so much.  I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you.  If she was a nuisance, please, accept my apologies."
 
"Not at all -- she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing that I meant what I had just said.
 
"Wendy died last week, Mr.  Peterson.  She had leukemia.  Maybe she didn't tell you."
 
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair.  I had to catch my breath.
 
"She loved this beach so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no.  She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days, but the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..."
 
Her voice faltered, "She left something for you ...  If only I can find it.
 
Could you wait a moment while I look?"
 
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely young woman.
She handed me a smeared envelope with "MR.  P" printed in bold childish letters.  Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a yellow beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird.
Underneath was carefully printed:
 
A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY.
 
Tears welled up in my eyes and a heart that had almost forgotten to love opened wide.
I took Wendy's mother in my arms.  "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I muttered over and over, and we wept together.  The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in my study.
 
Six words -- one for each year of her life -- that speak to me of harmony, courage, and undemanding love.
 
A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand -- who taught me the gift of love.
 
It serves as a reminder to all of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and life and each other.  The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.
 
Life is so complicated, the hustle and bustle of everyday traumas can make us lose focus about what is truly important or what is only a momentary setback or crisis.
 
This week, be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug, and by all means, take a moment...  even if it is only ten seconds, to stop and smell the roses.
 
This comes from someone's heart, and is shared with many and now I share it with you.
 
May God Bless everyone that receives this!  There are NO coincidences!
 
Never brush aside anyone as insignificant.  Who knows what they can teach us?
 
I wish for you, a sandpiper too!!

[angieskidney]

The Blind Horse!

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a
Distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or
Are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the
Eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not
To have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is
Amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around
For the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller
Horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her
Blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always
Checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk
To where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she
Returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and
Looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because
We are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches
Over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in
Need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of
Those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse,
Helping others see.

Good friends and family are like this .......... You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I'll
Listen for yours.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of
Battle"

[goofynina]

Angie,  that is a beautiful story, just what we needed to remind ourselves where we stand, especially for the other person,  i had to stop and think for a second and i can honestly say i have friends that are ringing bells also that i have been there for and i needed that reminder that i am not the only one fighting a battle.  Thank you again....

[angieskidney]

Angie,  that is a beautiful story, just what we needed to remind ourselves where we stand, especially for the other person,  i had to stop and think for a second and i can honestly say i have friends that are ringing bells also that i have been there for and i needed that reminder that i am not the only one fighting a battle.  Thank you again....

I am very glad you like it

[Fox_nc]

I got this today and had to share ...


Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness.. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at t he doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Dance like no one's watching, love like you've never been hurt, sing like no one's listening... and live like heaven on earth!

[Fox_nc]

A couple cute pictures  . . . enjoy!

[Black]

Subject: English language
...
 
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
 
...
 
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
 
 ...

21) I will resume writing my resume.

[kitkatz]

I had to bow on the bow of the ship.
The bough was on the tree not on the bow of the ship.
I had to meet him at the meat shop.

[tubes]

The fair young lady had to pay a large fare to get into the fair.

[kitkatz]

Went to the store, too, with two people.

[Epoman]

A couple cute pictures  . . . enjoy!

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=845.0 You can see other funny pictures in the Official Thread. 

[Fox_nc]

I knew I had seen one, but when I went to post these, I couldn't find it.  Sorry ... forgive me .... 

<sitting in corner>

[nextnoel]

Or how about spelling the word "fish" as "ghoti"?  Here's how it goes:

use the GH sound from tough
use the O sound from women
use the TI sound from nation

voila:  FISH!

[jbeany]

The airplane banked low over the bank of the river, giving us a good view of the fleeing bank robbers.