Trying to deal with the empty nest

[pelagia]

We took our son to college on Wednesday.  I did great - didn't cry, didn't make a fuss.  Sat there quietly while he unpacked his stuff.  No helicopter parenting for me.

I spoke to him on the phone for a few minutes tonight.  I am trying so hard to not be in his space, but I miss him so much it’s incredible.  He sounds so happy and so excited about being at college.  I could hear the joy in his voice - the realization of all that life will bring – that vision that comes from being on the threshold of adulthood and the beginning of something new. 

He is my one and only child.  I didn't have him until I was 36, after years of thinking I didn't want children. 

I think it's going to be a long weekend.

[monrein]

   I'll be thinking of you this weekend.  I can only imagine how hard it must be to release children into the world as I don't have kids of my own but I do know for sure what a gift it is to children to set them free, no strings attached, to live their lives as fully as they can according to whatever it is they hope to accomplish in the world.   We're about the same age, so you no doubt read this at some point way back when.  It struck me at the time (16 in first year university) not about my potential children but about myself.

On Children

 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[pelagia]

Thank you so much for the poem Gail.  I always read poetry to Will when he was younger, so it seems especially fitting that you shared this poem with me tonight.  I remember reading my mother's copy of The Prophet long ago, but I don't think I even have a copy in the house. Maybe she'll send me her copy.

[okarol]

Last year when James went to college I drove him there. Over the radio came the song by John Lennon "Beautiful Boy" and I am glad that I had sunglasses on so James couldn't see me cry (before we even got there!)

A friend gave me the website "Mothers of Freshman" and it helped a lot. http://www.mofchat.com/

MOFchat.com is a sounding board for you, a place where you can get advice from other women in your situation - single moms, empty nesters, working moms, moms of only children, moms of kids with special needs, and on and on. We’ll also have experts weigh in from the fields of finance, psychology, nutrition, and more. We’re looking forward to hearing about what you want and need and we’ll find the best people to help you through it.

[twirl]

Bubba is in College Station about an hour and half away if you speed
we have been there the last two weekends and I cooked for him and he has a freezer full of food
we went Thurs to his scrimage game
he was dressed all in his Aggie uniform and looked so cute - he really is a babe
then we went out to eat and Bubba always has to sit by me - isn't that cute
I call him every morning to make sure he is up ---- coaches get a little testy if you are late for practice
he asked me to call him ---- not my idea but am glad he needs me
this house is not the same
Sad Sack is old and I can tell she is so sad so I give her more attention
I miss him
Stasie is married and lives about 20 minutes away
my youngest daughter is here for now, she comes and goes
I am close to my children
and had a hard time having them
glad you had your son at 36 or any age
you know, 36 is not considered old to have children in these days
if you are in your 50's --- you do not look that age- you look younger
this empty nest stuff sucks

[pelagia]

Thanks Karol for the website link.  I grew up in the NY/NJ area so it was a hoot listening to the moms talking about why they started the website.  It doesn't look like a very active forum, but I will explore some of the topics a little further.

Twirl, I enjoy reading your posts about Bubba and hearing about your relationship with your kids.  It's great that they are all near you and that you are all so close emotionally.

Kids are all so different.  Will wanted me to help him get things ready for school, but he told me that when we got there, he didn't want me or Stephen to be involved in the unpacking.  So we watched him stash everything in the drawers, get his trunk into the closet, make his bed, fix his desk the way he wanted and hook up his computer.  At the same time the other mothers were stashing their kids clothes in the drawers (actually, they were very neatly folding things and putting them neatly away as I would have done...).  The dads were hooking up the computers and Stephen and I were hanging out on Will's bed taking photos. 

When Will went overseas on a class trip last spring we didn't hear a thing from him for the entire time.  The day he came back, and while he was riding back from DC with another family, he sent me a text message that said "Gee, I almost hate to admit this, but I really missed home this past week."

I sometimes lose sight of what Will has been through in recent years, living in a FEMA trailer for almost a year after our house was flooded in 2003 and then dealing with the realities of Stephen's health issues.  I am hoping that college gives him a chance to find the space he needs.

When we left him the other day he gave me a huge bear hug and a kiss.  That made my day. 

[twirl]

I did not know you lived in a Femma trailer. I think you are such an interesting person. I had my children in my 30's after 10 years of marriage.
Allen gets to talking to his dad about football and I interupt to ask something or say something and it irritates him, and he can get a little smarty mouth to me but he always apologizes and talks to me about his girlfriend. She just broke up with him. We are coaches and teachers and her family is wealthy, her dad happened to make it in oil. We are more educated but have less money and we are baptist and they are catholic.
I told Allen, she is crazy, football players are royalty in College Station plus Allen is the babe of the team... And she is short, my husband wants him to marry someone taller. ( taller grandkids-- joking) They may know about our families PKD. She is texting him and wanting him back but she leaves him waiting for her for 4 hours - she has done that twice and a few other things. Her parents tell her he is not in her social class.....
right- we taught him to be rude to anyone is wrong...She was a student where my husband teaches and coaches and we have know her family since Allen was in 3rd grade. We took Allen to eat and all these chicks were eying him--- he is polite and nice and a Christan and may be a preacher one day. He used to want to be a preacher/politician. sort of an oxymoron - I like you - anyone who loves sea creatures has to be OK! Allen may have PDK - 50% chance --- his sisters and niece and nephew(soon to be here) all have it...... He was thinking about going into medical research and working on PKD. I could "talk" to you for hours........
love, Cheryl

[pelagia]

Here are some of the gory details about my trailer experience.

We lived in a FEMA trailer in the back yard for a year after Hurricane Isabel flooded our house.  That seems to be the hurricane that almost no one knew about.  My folks in NY and CA didn't even know it had affected our area.  It's too rural for anyone to care.  We still have folks in our community who are living in the trailers.  Many are working watermen families who have been here forever and didn't have any sort of insurance.  FEMA was there for them - with travel trailers and that's about it.  You can imagine what went through my mind when two years later FEMA said they would take care of everything in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Actually, my husband refused to sleep in the trailer for much of the time because it was really small (8x30 or something like that).  It had one small bedroom that we gave to Will because if we didn't we wouldn't have anyplace to sit at night. As soon as he could, Stephen started sleeping upstairs in our bedroom, even though there was not electricity or running water and the downstairs was a wreck.  I learned how to bake pies in a gas grill.  The trailer was not even pretty in the snow.  I have a picture of that someplace, but can't find it. 

Here are a couple of others.  One shows the trailer framed by two sides of my house after it was cut in half, literally.  The right side was razed because it was going to cost too much to restore it.  The left side was elevated and then restored.  The house was raised 4 feet, which means the chance of flooding again in the future is much lower.  If it does flood, I am outta here, because I can not go through that again. I used to think I would like to hit the road in an RV when I retire.  Now I can't even bring myself to go inside of one.

[okarol]

Wow - that's quite an experience! I can barely camp for an overnight! Pies on the grill. You are one amazing gal!

[monrein]

What a horrible experience for all of you. 

[pelagia]

Honestly, it sent me into a deep depression.  At one point I actually had to go away for two weeks because I couldn't handle it anymore.  One good/funny memory that I have is of watching the Simpsons with Will and Stephen while eating rotisserie chicken or Swansons turkey frozen dinners at those little folding TV tables.  We had to do something to interject humor everyday.

[G-Ma]

That's good.  Keep the funny memories on hand.  That always helps.
Ann

[dkerr]

Its either laugh about it or cry . . .   I'd love to cry, but I think my Zoloft won't let me ...

Twirl, when I brought my daughter to A&M, I spent the day with her getting everything all set.  Took the stairs from her apartment down to my car, turned on the ignition, put the car in reverse and "sobbed" not cried, but "sobbed" all the way to Waco, when I finally settled down. 

She went on a church mission to Chile 3 years later, and I repeated my performance.  After dropping her off in Salt Lake City, and getting on the plane, the man sitting next to me on the plane back to Dallas, got up and moved.

[pelagia]

Yes, one of the pictures I was going to post was way too depressing.  Y'all don't need that.

I am only crying a little at night.  It's actually kind of strange because I have been a crier all my life.  I'm afraid that if I get started...

[twirl]

what a beautiful big white house
I love it
so sorry
you are a wonderful person

[pelagia]

Thank you Twirl.  The oldest part of the house was built in 1865, right after the Civil War.  The part that we had to demolish was a very poorly done addition from the 1960s.  When we bought the house, it was a complete wreck and we got it for almost nothing, along with five acres of land.  We put in innumerable hours of labor to restore it over 20 years and then pronounced "Done!" in August of 2003.  To celebrate, we went out and ordered a desperately needed new couch.  The hurricane hit us one month later.  Luckily the couch had not yet been delivered.  As my husband would say, "Always look on the bright side."

[twirl]

I loved teaching the Civil War------ hard tack anyone?
your house is a beauty
we are driving half way to College Station to meet Bubba tonight- he has to give us some essay to turn in for a scholarship for ashema patients-
we hope he gets it
we will eat probably with him in Navasota
I just saw him Thurs and can't wait to see him tonight
I'll have to post a picture of him in his Aggie outfit
if Chris, Sluff, Bajanne, Kitkatz or OKarol will help me
and thanks to anyone I forgot......

[pelagia]

Well, I am so back to missing my son again.  It seems worse on the weekends.  I'm sitting here thinking he should be home by now from his friend's house.  But then I realize no, he won't be coming home because he's at college.  We did get to see him on Monday for a few hours. 

Hey Twirl, what's up with your son? 

[okarol]

twirl, email me a photo of him.

Our older son is now home - working and attending city college. Since he was gone last year at college it seems odd to have him coming and going - in some ways I still miss him because he seems to just sleep here. But I am grateful I can watch him sleep. I wish I had some words of wisdom pelagia. It's hard to be away from them. I hope you get to see him again soon.
 

[twirl]

Well, Allen is not used to being low man on field---- he was on the varsity team as a beginning sophomore-- he should be red shirted so he should not get on the field this year for one play or it counts as a year and he could only play for three more years----the engineer classes are killing him--- he was warned that Aggies do not like football players to be engineers b/c of the time spent on football or any sports for that matter- I think he is beginning to see why----- Dr friedly had a gold scholarship and they made him change from engineering to medical and now he is a doctor--- Allen is not used to asking for help but Aggies make tutors available to every student--- I am telling Allen this  is not hick town Conroe anymore, he is with a entire school of high intelligent students--he is getting the respect of the football players who are seniors and older--- he has to prove his whatever you would call it---- like a tribe of animals ---- he has to earn respect--- the coaches had the players who were not traveling to the out of town game do more running and exercises--- then the coach left-- Allen is no dummy--- he was raised by a coach---- the other players started leaving without finishing--- Allen stayed and finished-- well, the coach was hiding and watching and he made everyone but Allen stay and do even more--- Allen is not kiss butt, he does what he should---- he will not eat with the team after games b/c walk -ons have to pay sometimes-so I get to cook him more meals and freeze them-- we wish he would pay the 5.50 for the meal but no....... he says he has food at home-( his apartment- that we provide)  more on Bubba the Aggie as happens

[pelagia]

Twirl,  Bubba sounds like a great kid.  Will has learned that coach lesson, too, but not directly.  His crew coach would send the younger kids for a run while the older ones got out on the water.  Found out they were running only a short way down the road and then hanging out and talking before they ran back.  Not enough sweat breaking out to fool the coach.  That kind of infraction is worth a lot of push ups. 

I've seen a lot of students go through a "rite of passage" in graduate school and it sounds like Bubba is going through something similar. But, Bubba has the extra challenge of adjusting both academically and with the team, which must be really tough.  I team taught one of our "core" required classes (5 credits) for new graduate students each year for about a decade.  Most of our students coming in for graduate school are near the top in their college classes and when they get to graduate school with all the other tops it's unsettling.  Reality is that a student might go from being in the top 10% to the middle of the pack or even the bottom (someone has to be there...).  As a teacher you end up playing the role of advisor and sometimes mom as well.  I've seen these young people cry because the are getting a B+ rather than an A in a class where they are having to integrate ecology, physical and chemical oceanography.  I always tell them that I am pretty sure that I would be the B+ student, too, if I was lucky as I am no genius. 

And another thing Twirly, it's great that Bubba tells you about these issues.  Have you always been close?  Is it that way with all of your kids?  It always sounds that way when you are writing about your family.  When Will was young, he was a chatterbox and told us everything, but as a teenager he has tended to keep things inside.  I almost never know when something is bothering him and he's out of the house so much that you can't even try reading the small clues.  Last summer when he broke up with a girlfriend, we didn't know for over a week.  He seemed a little grumpy, that's all, but then later told us that he was upset about it.  So why not tell us right away?   I am hoping that at some point, we'll get the chatterbox back. 

Hey Karol, I'd settle for watching him sleep!

[willieandwinnie]

I want to give all you empty nester's something to laugh about. My daughter Ramona (who is the oldest) moved when she was 21. My son Billy didn't leave home until he was 26 years old. When he came and told us that he thought it was time, I bawled like a baby (I did the same thing when he graduated from high school). He took his bedroom set and we gave him some furniture we had and I bought him somethings to make his home a little nicer. Now, every time he walked out the front door with something I cried and when he walked backed in to gather more, I cried more. Billy had worked since he was 16 and had no trouble saving his own money but spent ours like no tomorrow, I was just beside myself that he wanted to moved out. Len tried to comfort me and finally lost his temper and said, "For Gods sake, he is only moving next door." Every night, I would know when he got home from work and I'd call him to meet me out back at the fence. I had fixed his dinner and was delivering it so to speak. He bought his own home in 2001 that is a few miles from us and I still have this empty feeling when I walk by his bedroom. With that being said, our grocery bill has gone down along with our electric, water and laundry has gone from a load a day to 2 loads a week. I feel for all of you going through this, but it will get easier. 

[pelagia]

this is Linda  and this is Stephen 

thanks W&W!

[twirl]

W&W -- he moved next door
all three of my children are very close to me
they always have been
I had a bad childhood and so did my husband so we made a decision early on that our children would have it better
we are both teachers so money was tight
but our time was for them
we were married 10 years before I was able to carry a child
we adore our children and our time is the best thing we could give them
plus my husband coached them in school and at the Y

[kitkatz]

My daughters have been gone for three years now out of the house.  Mu husband took it harder than Idid. He feels he is not a Dad anymore.  I keep reassuring him he is still a Dad. They just need his wallet a little more now than dad advice.  Hehehe!  I raised my girls to be independent and to get out as soon as they wanted to leave.  They are always welcome back in our home. However one girl's bedroom is my office and the other kid' bedroom will become the dialysis room. THey can sleep on the unused except by our dog couches. Yeah I still miss them but email and skype help a lot.