It is not just healthy people dying that effect me this way. When Jamie died it effected me as well because he was such an important part of community. I mean he did magic shows for the sick and disabled all over north America (all over Canada AND the States) and what do I do? I don't contribute to society at all. Yet HE is the one who died and I am still here. It effected me so much because he was born the same year as I. He was only 32 years old. He died and I had only begun to know him. He was such an amazing person. And he died from a simple blood clot and here I am ... almost died when I was 9, 16, 31 yet I am still here. Why? I have nothing to contribute to this world as much as Jamie already was.
People tell me I have a lot of contribute but I don't need to hear that! I am 32 and still am waiting to learn what I have to contribute. Telling me I have a purpose (my mom has been telling me that for many many years now) is besides the point! My point here is just that I understand the feeling of wondering why you are alive and barely living (only a machine keeping you alive) when others die that have so much still to accomplish and are so young and spirited. Sure Jamie in my case was on dialysis like me so not the same situation but still .. I was only talking about my life and that is the only person besides my Aunt who died from cancer that I have to talk about.
I have been around sick people since I was born so all the people I have lost have been sick. When I was between 9 and 16 a girl named MaryAnne died .. we were together sharing a room in the Children's Hospital in Toronto. I watched her dwindle away throughout the years and she was the first person close to me that I have known to die besides my Grandma (which I was in the hospital at 9 so I couldn't see her as she was dying). At the end MaryAnne was being taken around by her mom in a carriage even though she was my age about. She had kidney failure and cancer and fluid around her lungs. I have often asked myself, "Why am I still alive?" when all these other people die all around me.
All you can do is live one day at a time. There is really nothing anyone can say. Death is a mystery in itself and no one knows for sure where we go. It seems like such an end but I believe it is not. But still it is only natural to compare one's worth with someone else's who's life was prematurely extinguished.
(man I ramble on too much .. tell me to shut up already lol
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