Ever get jealous

[boxman55]

Sunday my friend Dave left for a cruise around Alaska, also on Sunday my friend Peter left for the lake house in Minocqua, WI which is 5 hours north of Milwaukee, on Monday my friend Jeff left with his wife to go camping at Terri Andre State Park which is along Lake Michigan  about 2 hours north of Milwaukee, my friend Tom and his wife left today for a camping and canoing trip in Canada. They all said good bye and I with a smile on my face, wished them the best of times. Here I sit at home in my wheel chair knowing that my only trips this summer will be the rides to dialysis in the county para-transit vans. I am a little depressed and a lot jealous...Boxman

[donnia]

Yes... I did get jelous!  We are big Dallas Cowboys fans... they have pretty much alternated their training camp between California  and San Antonio, Texas (abou 3 hours from me) ..... they were in San Antonio last year and we wanted to go sooooo bad (we went abut 4 years ago and had a BLAST!!!).  We couldn't go of course.  This year they are in California, but next year I am pretty sure they will be back in Texas... and we will definately go!!!   

[monrein]

Boxman.  The answer of course is yes.  Most of us would feel like you do watching friends go off all over like that.  I know I do.  However, I'm hoping next summer will bring more mobility for you and fishing trips maybe?

[Meinuk]

Boxman, you have every reason to feel the way that you do.  Your spirit has been so strong during the past few months.  Your friend's trips are just a trigger reminding you that your life is adapting.  You won't be stuck at home forever.  My grandfather had 2 BKAs, and he got around really well for years.  I get a lot of strength from his example.

Susie taught me a lot about jealousy.  Jealousy is a bitter emotion.  I got over jealousy after my relationship ended with my high school boyfriend.  I usually thank him for the training wheels at reunions (his wife does not appreciate it).

But to answer your question honestly, I get envious on a weekly basis.  It is human nature to desire.  I just try to appreciate what I have blah blah blah, or on bad days I just wallow.  But over the past year (pretty much since I started dialysis) I've started to live vicariously, I ask my friends all about the exciting things that they are doing, it makes me feel included, and they have been (on the whole) really sweet and thoughtful.

An example:  I had to miss a 4th of July BBQ, and at 10pm on the 4th, my friends brought the BBQ to me.  It was a lovely touch, and I let them know how much I appreciated it.

Short answer, Boxman, you are not alone.

[Sluff]

Boxman I am so lucky to be able to travel and not be tied down to a machine, but trust me I have had the jealousies as well at times in my life but not necessarily becuse of my health. There is no way for me to help you feel any different or better but please know that I do understand. I am here right at the other end of the phone line if you ever want to share your feelings with someone. Anytime day or night.

Hang in there friend things will get better. 

[boxman55]

Don't get me wrong, because without those guys helping me with getting the house set-up before I got home and giving me rides to the doctor's I would have been out of luck so I wish them all the fun they can muster, I just miss my usual fishing trips and sitting at home while everyone is off vacationing is depressing. Yes I will be in the boat next year, watch out-stand back-get out of the way, because I can do it...Boxman

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Sluff]

Now there's our Boxman

[flip]

I do too, Box but remember it's all relative. I've got a couple of close friends that are dying with cancer and I'm sure they are very jealous of me. You'll be back up and around in no time and fishing with the best of them.

In the meantime, you can be the Ironside of IHD. Remember that show?

[paris]

Boxman,  I bet we all get jealous of people around us.  My problem is my brother in law and his wife.  They are very well off.  Not a money worry in the world. Own lots of cars, a plane, two houseboats( one on Lake Cumberland and one on Lake Powell), travel to all exotic places many times a year.  Last week he paid for his four kids, spouses and grandchildren to fly to Vegas and a week at Lake Powell.  He makes us feel poor.  Always talking about what he can't afford.  And what did his wife say to me a few months ago " I am glad I'm not sick!".  We can use the houseboat (the 80 ft one at Cumberland) but he has to charge us, but he can give us a reduced rate!   The one at Lake Powell goes for $2000 a week. Nope we aren't using the houseboat!   I like my life, house, everyday life.  But there are times I would love to have the money to just go away and not have to worry.    Well, I didn't mean to go on for so long.  Guess this hit a nerve!   You are in-titled to wish you could jump in the car and drive to the lake.  You have dealt with so much with more grace than I could ever have.  Next year---and the fish will be bigger by then.   You are admired by many and I am at the top of that list.

Meinuk, your posts always put everything in perspective!   

[kellyt]

I'm truly not a "jealous" person, but lately I have had extreme feelings of jealousy.  I know exactly how you feel.   

[G-Ma]

  YES...YES...OH HELL YESSSSS....depressed and is it jeolous??? or just I Hate Dialysis or just want to be able to get up and go when I want.

[twirl]

I'm jealous after just reading about the people you know, and I do not even know them..
where is the freedom to drink yourself silly
and get up and go pee
and travel without a care
jealous-------------------------------yes

[cris]

"You have dealt with so much with more grace than I could ever have. "

Box, Paris is right, look at this way, you are my idol, the inner strength you have, your courage, your wits. Your friends may be able to travel, but do they have the same courage to face life as you do? and... they don't have the adoring fans like you have here.... it's good to get jealous, once in a while.

[st789]

Yes, I sympathize with you but I also remind myself to do what I can with my life.

[stauffenberg]

I think because I have suffered from an extremely severe case of type 1 diabetes for42 years now, I never get jealous of healthy people, since I simply find their experience so alien to my own that I cannot even begin to compare myself to them.  It is as if someone were to ask me if I were jealous of a being from another galazy because of how they could think and feel: I simply wouldn't be able to answer since I couldn't compare my experience with theirs.  After all the diseases I have had to deal with have just piled up over the years, with diabetes, then Wegener's vasculitis, then renal failure, then complications of diabetes and eight years on dialysis, I just wish the horror could end for me and don't think of how that misery rates in comparison with that of the healthy majority.

I remember sitting in a restaurant once many years ago and wondering whether I should commit suicide when I first became blind from diabetes or whether I should instead wait until I also had renal failure.  Next to me two businessmen were bemoaning how horrible things were because that summer they could not take their boat out because the repairs to the bottom of the boat were not yet finished.  It hit me very forcefully at that moment that I was simply not a member of the normal human community.

[xtrememoosetrax]

Boxman:
Yes, you have a perfect right to feel jealous, bummed out, etc. The good news is that although it can be unpleasant, it is actually healthy to be able to recognize that you're having these feelings. Denial -- pretending that everything is just peachy when you're really angry, jealous, etc. inside -- doesn't help a bit. In fact, I believe that it's actually good to have a nice "pity party" every now and then. Parodoxically, indulging those feelings often makes it easier to move past them and on to other more positive and productive thoughts. Hang in there, Boxman; we're with you all the way. 

[Romona]

Boxman you are such an inspiration. You have been so strong. 

I think it is human nature to get jealous and sometimes productive to set a goal even if it is a small one.

[breezysummerday]

My Ray lived at the river's edge before ESRD.  I'd yell:   Ray, come on, it's getting late.  2 hours later, I'd yell again.  Ray would say: ...one more cast...
This summer Ray is still at the river bank, but he's tying flies.  It's a good hobby and a great conversation starter. 

[okarol]

Every time someone at Jenna's dialysis center got a transplant, I felt envy. Selfish, I know, but I just couldn't help it. Luckily it didn't last too long, or maybe I was too busy to dwell on it.
I hope things look brighter in the future dear Boxman. 

[Meinuk]

Every time someone at Jenna's dialysis center got a transplant, I felt envy.

Karol, that is exactly how Susie and I started a marathon conversation on jealousy vs. envy.  She asked how my day was and I told her about the guy who came to my unit two weeks after transplant.  That really was a life lesson for me, when I realized just how special a place we have here on IHD for support.  We all know these feelings first hand.

And Boxman, I have a feeling you'll be fishing before you know it.  Time seems to fly - even when things seem unbearable.  It seems like just yesterday you were at the rehab center and we were getting updates.  (Sluff comes to the rescue yet again)

Oh and Paris    I can't wait til Vegas - we have a lot of catching up to do.  (no Dollywood this summer, my traveling companion has a family issue)

[smile24x7]

I have found myself getting jealous a lot lately. I am jealous of pretty much anyone who has healthy kidneys.  :-) But then I remember that just because they have healthy kidneys doesn't mean  that they don't have some other test or trial in their life.  Whenever I get jealous I remind myself to focus on my life and my goals, recognize what is under my control, then work hard to achieve that goal.  You want to travel, camp, etc.  You can do it.  Just stay encouraged! Keep Fighting. 

[Ohio Buckeye]

I think for me it's not jealousy but a sadness.
My best friend is going to Gatlinburg this wk. with her family.
They went on a cruise  in Feb.
Someone's always going somewhere it seems.
I've been laid up a long time and am bored of watching tv, reading, computering
and radio and of course appts.

[willieandwinnie]

I have to agree with OB. My husband is the one with kidney disease and we haven't been anywhere since 2000 and I get envious when I hear about people going on trips, and doing this that or the other. I'm happy for them but sad for us. All we do is go to hospitals, doctor appointments and the grocery store. Oh Lord........... hold me back, I can't stand the excitement. 

[pelagia]

Here's something I think about a lot since Stephen got his transplant.  It sort of relates to this thread, so I hope I can express it in the right way. 

When I first came to IHD, my husband had not been on dialysis for all that long.  Finding IHD was a godsend, as I knew almost nothing.  I have since studied the words and followed the experiences of many of you.

Then less than two months later he had a transplant and it was a whole new world. I found that I still had much to learn from the experiences of those posting here.  I've been to some of the other sites, but they are not the same in terms of the level of information and experience (my opinion). 

Now, as we move into the months post-transplant, I find that I am still drawn to the site everyday.  Why is this?  Clearly it's the people.  After a transplant you want to share with people who understand what it means to have dealt with kidney disease and what a gift a transplant is.  You all do. 

But then there's the other side of it. Some of you understand because you have had a transplant.  But, some have not. 

And, transplant or not, at some level of consciousness (that weaves itself through most every day), I know that at some point Stephen could be back on dialysis.  It could be next week (hopefully not) or 20 years from now (hopefully).  I feel like transplant or not, at some level I will always need this community.

But, then consider the theme of this thread. So many on this site are already dealing with very challenging health issues and the life complications they bring.  When someone like me (wife of a transplant recipient) posts and it is mostly good news, do I make it harder for others to get through their day? 

[boxman55]

pelagia, great post, you have every right to post good thoughts about your husband's transplant. It helps people that are waiting for one get a little insight of what to look forward to, good or bad. Thanks and keep it up...Boxman