depression and drinking

[paris]

Hi Anna, the cabin get away sounds like just what you needed.  It is hard to add anything after RichardMel. He writes so well and gives such heart felt advice.  How is your son doing?  Is all of this affecting him?  He is lucky to have a strong Mom like you.  My strong Mother made me who I am today.  Remember you are constantly in our thoughts.  We all love you

[annabanana]

Richard, it is not ridiculous...you are feeling what I'm feeling: helpless. It's odd --- because in one way it's good that Randy is doing what he's doing -- and in another way it's terribly horrible and wrong. It's a situation I have absolutely no control over. And I will eventually lose him forever. Thank you for suggesting closure --- and seeing him. I've told him for months now that I don't want harsh words between us ever again. I don't think I could handle having our last words be bad in any way.

The other day he told me I was the only woman he has ever loved. He might already be starting a closure process. It was heartbreaking. I've said a few things to him, too, so maybe we are both starting to do that.

I asked him yesterday if he would call me if he was hospitalized and he said he didn't know. Said he didn't know anything. Very sad. But all I can do is respect his wishes. That's a hard one for me to think about. So closure might be the very best thing.

It's good to be back, Linda! I have missed everyone a lot. 

[annabanana]

Paris,
thanks for asking about my son. He's doing really well. He's almost 13 and loving school. Glad to be at my mom's house where he has buddies close by. I know he's glad to be out of the tense situation at Randy's and he's glad for me. He did not approve at all of Randy's decision, of course, and has a hard time understanding it. So he's glad we left.
Love to you, too. 

[annabanana]

I wrote the closure letter this morning. It just flowed right out of me. Even if I never give it to him, it's such a GOOD thing for me!  But I know I will give it to him. I think it will be great for him after he gets over the initial ...what? sadness? ... I don't know. It's hard to put a name to this feeling.

The letter is a love letter and a thank you letter.

I love Richard for suggesting it and Linda for suggesting letter-form.

 

[twirl]

anna 
thinking of you all the time
remember I care about you

[RichardMEL]

Anna,

You amaze me - I am so glad this flowed for you and at the very least (as you realise yourself) it has helped you to get feelings and thoughts off your chest. I am glad if you will give it to him though. I think it's important he gets the opportunity to understand (or at least know) how you feel about this situation and have felt for the last few years going through everything.

This sounds selfish somehow but I am so glad you are back on here more regularly. In a way I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to distance yourself from a site like this - afterall the very name must just bring you right back to thoughts of Randy and what he is going through - and by extension yourself - so I thank you for being so strong to come back here and share your difficult journey with us.

You are a wonderful soul and I hope deep down somewhere Randy realises just how special and rare you are - for your love, your dedication, your caring and ultimately your strength and will to leave him to his choices and his destiny. I admire you.

You know where I am if you need anything....

xoxo richard

[annabanana]

thank you Twirl and Richard .

I left the letter yesterday at Randy's house. It felt good.

At 8 pm he called me and wanted me to watch something on tv that he was watching...thought I'd like it....I asked him if he'd read my letter and he said he had. Said he'd written me back and had read it 5 times to make sure it was okay. Then he brought up the tv show again. It was strange.

I guess he won't face such intense emotion right now and I don't blame him. Or maybe he's relieved that I said all those things and now he feels comfortable enough to call me as a friend.

I got his letter this morning and it was short and loving. I'm really the only real friend he's got so it must be hard for him to say goodbye. Maybe he never will...and that's okay. I've said what I wanted to say and it feels good.

Richard, I've wondered how I would feel about coming back to IHD...and I want to say that I feel like part of a big beautiful family here. The love and support we have for each other is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Someone here in the recent past said something about how brave I was to share what's been going on with me and how my experiences might help others in the future. I would so hope that my words could help others.

And, truly, I cannot even imagine NOT coming here. My reasons have just changed, that's all. I come here because of love. And maybe my knowledge and experiences will help someone here someday.

Thank you for your very kind words.
Anna

[rose1999]

  sending you a lot of love 

[annabanana]

Rose, 

[paris]

Anna, we need you here so much.    I think RichardMel should become a counselor because the support and encouragement he has given you is the best I have ever heard.  The letter was a brilliant idea and it seems to have given you peace.   You are doing an amazing job of walking through this new phase in life.  I am sure it can't be easy.   We are here for you -- all the time

[RichardMEL]

*blush* Paris... that is so kind of you to say. I'm not sure what to think. My mother, who was a chief Social Worker, would be so proud I am sure. The irony is that of the 3 children in my family, I would have been considered the least likely to follow down that route - and indeed I work in IT as a computer geek!! My older brother is the (professional) Social Worker who followed in mum's footsteps.

I think though that I write from the heart and what I feel and when I think about a situation I try to look at it from the perspective of those involved as well as hopefully an unbiased viewpoint. Of course my aim is always to help, but in the end anything I write is just an opinion and it's just as valid as anyone else's.... though I definitely apprieciate the compliments and vote of confidence. My ego is now bigger than my fistula!!!!

 

Now on to the most important thing - Anna....

I am glad he reacted positively to your letter - that can only be good - for both of you. I imagine it is much easier because decisions have been made and actions carried out (as in, you are not there 24/7) - in some ways a great burden must have been lifted from both of you - not to suggest you don't care about Randy any less now or anything like that - but as you come to terms with what has happened and where you both are headed I am sure there would be less of a feeling of both responsibility on your part (because HE is responsible for what happens to him through his choices) and the feeling that you could be doing more, or something. I am not writing this well I know!! Probably Randy feels more comfortable to just virtually "hang out" with you (eg: the TV show thing) because he probably feels so much less pressure from you to not drink, to see the doctors, to do the "right" thing etc etc... I am sure he feels more free now that he has made his choices and is going on that way.

I am reminded, somewhat, of my own mother's choice when she was dying several years ago. She did not want to be tied to a machine "living" and so at the point where it was clearly hopeless she had the courage to say no to more invasive and uncomfortable treatment and to go out on HER terms. During those last few weeks I saw a new serenity in her - a comfort with the choice SHE had made. She was at peace with her decision and what was happening. She spent those last weeks with us organising what she wanted (eg: funeral and beyond) and while it was eerie and difficult for us to sit with her knowing there was only a little time left, and discussing things like what arrangements she wanted... I was comforted knowing it was what she wanted.

Anna, I imagine you must feel some measure of peace now that you have written and given him the letter and know he has read it, and got a response. I feel sad in a way that he feels you are the only real friend he has... but what a friend to have!! I am sure it was bittersweet in a way to get such a loving letter when what you've had to endure over the last while has seemed so at odds with that. At least, whatever happens in the next few months or more... you both have an understanding and a peace of sorts.

I am glad you feel OK to come back here. It would be a more barren place without you and yes, we ARE a big loving family... and at least from my point of view I would miss you terribly. You have shared so much with us and I am sure your experiences have helped others, and will do so in the future. You have shown so much courage in sharing, and going through everything... I admire you.

I wish we all could have best friends /carers like you. 

Just one request - if you keep giving me beers I'll be fluid overloaded AND at your mercy (are you just trying to get me drunk to have your way with me? hehehehehe)

[pelagia]

just checking in Anna and sending you a 

[annabanana]

Pelagia,  thank you.

Paris, you are so right about RichardMEL. He has a true and beautiful gift. He is an empath, no doubt. And so wise.

The letter HAS given me peace of sorts. It has become like a base for me to land when things get tough. It has grounded me. Last night Randy called. We talked for a short while then his mood changed...told me he didn't want me around at all anymore. So I asked him to stop calling me (again) and he promised to stop. It's just too painful.  I think we just need time not seeing each other or talking. Maybe in a few months we'll be able to talk again. Maybe not. I've recently taken on the attitude of "it's okay." Everything's going to be okay.

Richard, I, too, think Randy is more comfortable now and "free" of a burden, as I am trying to be. You wrote about his letter being at odds with everything else going on...so very very true!!! Everything is a rollercoaster. I guess that's the main reason the letter is so important. Slows the rollercoaster down a bit. 

What an amazing story about your mother. I know it must've been so unreal...but beautiful, too. I experienced a similar situation when my father passed on. We all knew he didn't have long...and he lasted 3 months with very little heart function. But during those 3 months we all got to say our goodbyes. It was an amazing gift.

Again, thank you for such kind and loving words.
And, BTW, I promise...no fluid overload!...
but it DOES sound fun if you were at my mercy!     

[RichardMEL]

I am starting to feel like this thread is becoming all about me and that's baaad.

I think the call you had last night Anna really sums up the rollercoaster - one minute he's being nice and friendly (with the TV show thing) and writingg you a short, but love filled letter, then the next it's "I don't want you around anymore" - rollercoaster indeed... and not easy for both of you. I imagine, not that I know Randy or anything, that it's really a reaction to stress and pain. I bet he feels guilt and responsibility for hurting you and pushing you away (everything up to and including asking you to leave). You send him a clearly caring and loving letter so he knows you still care... I imagine that sort of thing would be creating a bit of turmoil in him hence the "let's be friends" then "stay away" - I imagine despite his promise not to call, you will hear from him again - perhaps sooner than you expect. He's said you're his only friend, so he really *has* nobody else to reach out to, and I feel he will still need that.

You need to be strong during these times. I am sure your heart is torn too... and when you don't hear from him perhaps you will be wondering what he is doing and how he is going. These are very powerful feelings - specially when you love someone so very much.

And please... please..... for the love of humanity... never again suggest I am wise!!! I am just a guy stuck upside down (well you know, being down under and all) trying to find some way through life. Heck if I was wise I'd be tucked up in bed in my mansion next to my loving wife.... uh yeah... lol.... As I said earlier.. I just write it as I see it.

As for being at your mercy Anna... I'll take that one to PM!!!!! 
 

[annabanana]

I expect to hear from him too even though he promised not to call. I plan to let my answering service pick it up...if I can have the strength to do that.

There is one good thing:  our studio apt.(attached to the house) is rented to a good friend of ours who has promised to call me if he sees anything unusual. I'm grateful for that. Means way less worry for me.

Richard, even though you are not in a mansion next to your wife, you are still very wise.
To be able to see where other people are and to give such beautiful advice in such a loving way, that is wise. You have helped me in a giant way to make my life so much better.

See you in PMs.
 

[monrein]

RM.  That wife would be a very lucky girl and no mansion required.  You're such a good guy. 

[paris]

Anna,  every day seems to bring you more strength.  I hope you can feel all our supporting arms around you as you go through this.      How's is school going for your son? 


RichardMel, your Mother would be so proud.  You are such a caring, sensitive person.   And your are wise. You can see clearly and give positive, constructive advice.        So, now, tell me: how to find good men for my two daughters!  One works almost exclusively with the gay community and the other keeps going on marvelous adventures --  both are good things.  But where is a guy like you for them here in North Carolina?       Please keep sharing your thoughts. I always look forward to your posts.

[RichardMEL]

Hmm Paris, send me full resumes and pictures and I'll let you know my movements.... well if Anna will let me go that is! heheh. It's funny you mention North Carolina... that reminds me of a funny experience I had back in 1994 (!) It was my first trip to the United States. I was working as a volunteer at a Conference/Expo in Vegas. So anyway I was chatting to some guy about something technical and he suddenly says (in a southern drawl) "Say, you're not from around here are you?" and I smiled and said no expecting him to ask if I was from England or maybe even get it right and say Australia. Well what does he then say? "Are you from NORTH CAROLINA?" I just looked at him and started laughing hysterically! I couldn't help it and I didn't mean to be rude but it I found it the most absurd notion! I did apologise to him and explained that Australia was a very long way from NC. Then I felt bad for laughing!

And to this day I've still never been to NC.. hmm do y'all sound like aussies??? LOL

Thank you all for the compliments.. I am red from blushing.

Anna I am glad you have a family friend "looking out" for Randy. That would ease your fears that he was totally alone. I am sure also that Randy knows he can seek help via your mutual friend if he needs it. So that's good.

[pelagia]

just checking it to give you a  and a

[RichardMEL]

Anna will be squished from all our supportive cuddles

I love that about the IHD community. We are all there for eachother and that's very important - specially when facing the sorts of things we do. It's very special.

[pelagia]

Yep, and that's a good thing.

I was watching the butterflies in my garden this morning and noticed that one of them was happily fluttering from flower to flower even though a part of its wing is missing.  I took a picture.  It's the wing towards our right that is missing it's tip. 

This photo is for you Anna!

[RichardMEL]

Wow! That picture is fantastic!! Very well taken!! I bet Anna will love it when she sees it

[annabanana]

It's so great to come back here and find these wonderful posts! 

Paris, thanks for asking about my son. He's doing great. Kids can certainly feel tension even though we try to protect them from it. I think he feels from me the intense relief and so he's a lot happier. He's become very protective of me...Guess he feels like the "man of the house" now!
And you are so right about Richard. I am so glad he is on my side! And his mother would be very very proud.

Richard, you come visit me in TN and we'll do a road trip to NC to meet Paris and her daughters! Then we'll check out how much you sound like them! (Some people think my friend here from Australia is from New England. )

Linda, THANK YOU for the beautiful photo of the butterfly!!! That made my morning!

I love you all. 

[monrein]

   Always great when you check in Anna.  Stay well and take good care.

[annabanana]

thank you, monrein. (i LOVE your new photo!)