Drug addiction

[Sunny]

I don't know where else to turn.
My 18 1/2 yr old freshman went away to college and came back to me a drug addict.
Last week a loving friend of his called to tell me, anonymously,that my son was experementing with all kinds of drugs and they were worried about him.
Gradually, My husband and I started piecing together the obvious -- that he has become an addict.
We checked our bank account and found when he was home for Easter break he withdrew $400 from our checking account.
Then we saw he emptied his savings account of $300. Next, the bank informed us he overdrew his checking account by $200.
After talking it over with my husband, we decided to force our son to come home every week-end till the end of the semester (May), in hopes of keeping him away from the drug social scene at college. I hope this works. It is what we will try for now in hopes he can finish out this semester and not lose all the work at college. Next year we may try to get him to enroll somewhere else in hopes of setting him on the right track.
I feel so lost. I feel like I've failed as a Mother. Yet I understand because I think everything was so new to him he simply lost control of himself.
I sympathize, yet worry, because with myself having to learn to deal with kidney disease there are times I wish I could just lose reality with drugs.
He is far to young to already be in this situation with no good reason behind it all. 
I hold my breath praying my husband and I are doing the right thing for now. We will see what the future holds.

[Romona]

You are not a bad mother. He is making the choices that he making. You are not doing that for him. 

[rose1999]

I am so sorry to hear this it is very sad for all of you.  I can't offer much advice as we are all different but I'd encourage you to just be there for him so he knows he has someone to turn to, there may be a reason that you don't know about.  My own son had a bad time at Uni but luckily he got on a train and came home, I'll never forget how ill he looked through sheer worry that by dropping out he had let us down, he could so easily have gone down another route.  Let's hope it is just a bad patch and he will come through this soon.  You are not bad parents, we can only do so much for our children and then they make their own choices, it's hard to let them make their own mistakes but sometimes we have no choice.  Hy heart hurts for you.

[boxman55]

Hey Sunny, first you didn't mention what drug he is abusing. If it is coke or meth you need to do more then just bring him home or switch schools. His stealing money and over drawing his bank account tells me it is probably one of these drugs. I am not a counselor but he needs to be spoken to immediately. He will find a source no matter where he is staying. You need to think about getting him into rehab or this might explode in your face along with ruining his life. Once someone is hooked on coke or meth you need to intervein or they will by hook or by crook find a way to score...Boxman

[Sluff]

Aggressive treatment is necessary. When it comes to drugs, a drug user can spot another drug user in a crowd of strangers instantly. The other problem besides the addiction is if it's not dealt with immediately he could end up on the wrong side of the law and his education will do him no good. I really understand where you are coming from and your not a bad Mother cause I have faced many a courtroom with my Son and I don't feel it was anything I did. It is the group they hang with.

[paris]

Sunny, you are not a bad parent.  Let me tell you about my brother (who I adore). He had a rough time during his teens. Wrong crowd, bad decisions.  Mom didn't know how to handle all of it (although she worked with troubled teens, it is different when it is your own).   Her decision was to send him to Australia!  At age 17!  Her thought was to get him away from his environment. We lived in Ohio---she got a 17 yr old a one way ticket to Australia with a couple of dollars and a phone number of a friend of a friend!    Long story short----it took him awhile, but he worked all his problems out, got off the drugs (but not by himself) and is now a successful engineer with a large international company.  He came back to Ohio after a couple of years.   That is what NOT to do!!   Ask for help. Don't try to do this by yourself.  And find someone you can talk to about how you feel.   You may have to be harder on him than you ever have been.  Be the parent - not his friend.   I know you are heartsick.  You can all make it through this.  He probably won't like you for a long time.  That is ok. The main objective is to get him help and save him.  We are all here for you. 

[monrein]

Sunny,  I agree with Paris and the others who've already posted. 
A lot depends on which drugs he's messing with and it is really hard to know what problems an adolescent is dealing with that causes them to turn to drugs.  Sometimes what seems like a fun thing to do turns into a way of self-medicating for pain that can be quite buried (and not necessarily anything to do with parents).
I too think that it is really important not to blame yourself and even if your son is not interested in counseling for himself at the moment it would be helpful to you to find someone with some expertise in addictions and get some support and some strategies.  I have worked with teens experimenting with drugs and there is no one-size fits-all approach.  Everything depends on the individual.  It is however NOT your fault.  Do you have a chapter of Narcotics anonymous near you?  That might be a place to begin.
I am sending thoughts of courage to you and how I wish you were not having to deal with this new worry.
Gail

[okarol]

Sunny,
I hope you will find a local al-anon group to attend. I hope you will give it a try, it will really help. (Check your local phone book. The meetings are free and in most towns you can find many every day of the week.) There is a lot of support from other people who have watch their loved ones go through substance abuse or alcoholism. You cannot control your son, but you CAN learn tools to respond to his actions. Please PM me if you need help.
Sending you some love mom, this is not your fault. 

[rookiegirl]

Sunny,

I'm so sorry your family is going through this ordeal.  I will be praying for you and your family to get you through all of this.

Extending my love and support to you.

[Deanne]

I'm sorry this is happening in your family. You're a good parent who's child made a mistake and ended up living a life he can't escape from by himself. Your son has a good friend (the friend who called you). I don't know much about drugs, but I have to agree with everyone else that just making him come home on the weekends isn't going to fix the problem. He'll likely just spend his weekday evenings hunting down the drugs and will both use them during the week and sneak them home with him on the weekends. If just keeping an eye on him in your house was enough, there wouldn't be thousands and thousands of kids who are still living at home and using drugs right under their parents' eyes. He needs professional help.

 

[MyssAnne]

Sunny, I agree with a lot of people here, you need to get him in treatment NOW.

Good luck, and we'll be thinking of you, and your family, with prayers and hopeful thoughts.

 

[mikey07840]

Sunny,
I am sorry that you and your family is going through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
  Mikey

EDITED: Fixed group hug icon, Boxman, Moderator

[twirl]

You have not failed as a mother. We have Drug Awareness every year at my school. Homerooms make a door design for a contest. This student had been dead from drowning in his own vomit for about 2 years. He had no family still in my school.
                                       Drugs kill people we love
                                         in memory of Michael
We did that with a background of the sky; Michael was going to be a pilot. (no pictures, just that)
I was told by my principal to take it down, it was to realistic....My school has a big drug problem and we are a 7 & 8 grade campus connecting to 9-12 grades. Every year I know students who overdose. I lost two students last year-- they were drunk and ran into a tree. My son, Allen, is going to A&M and live in an off campus apartment with all the football players. Other students can live there too. He went for a visit Saturday with my husband and he said there were beer cans all over the place but it is an off campus apartment. The coaches insist that the players live there and Allen wants to fit in. I feel like you are doing the right things and your son knows you love him and you are there for him. It is easy to blame yourself.

[Sunny]

Right now I feel like I'm putting out fires before a big conflagration occurs.
I will be looking into local Narconon for help. My son is in denial about his cocaine use but I may have to force him to attend the meetings on the condition of
staying at our house. He claims he can take it or leave it (the drugs) and that he's not addicted (I don't agree). I still feel there's hope. It could just be a helping hand he needs to drag him back, but I don't want to be an enabler.  We may make him leave the dorms these last few weeks and have him commute by train (1 1/2 hrs).This may sound pretty extreme, but my husband and I are thinking we might be letting him off the hook too easily if we just let him drop out of school and leave behind his only responsibility. Not to mention the money we've spent and can't get back. It doesn't seem right to let him walk away from everything and let him run back home and hide. Today he told me he'd be perfectly willing to drop out and leave everything and come back home. I'm just not sure it's the best way to go. It makes everything easy and could be a form of enabling by allowing him to do just that. Why should we allow him to quit because of his stupid decisions with drug use? I'd rather try to force him to finish something he started and try to intervene with his drug use. This might not work, but it's our 1st shot. Who knows, we may end up having to send him to rehab somewhere.
I am being my own devil's advocate here, weighing many sides. I also appreciate your insights.

[paddbear0000]

What about an intervention? Also, you should think about sending your son to your local community college instead. You can keep a closer eye on him until he 'grows up' a bit. Plus, it's harder to get into deeper trouble with drugs and alcohol when he's not in the middle of it, like on a college campus. I've been there (the college campus, not the drugs!) and drugs and alcohol are everywhere and a cinch to get. Plus, you are out of reach of your parents and authority. Having him at home will make things a lot easier. 

[Ohio Buckeye]

I'm sorry Sunny that you and the family are oing through this tough time.
I will be praying for you all.

[kitkatz]

You have to get to the little fires before the big fires consume your son. We all seem to say to each other "Oh love will turn them, around."   But sometimes a good kick in the ass is what is really needed.

[AlohaBeth]

Sunny, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Have you looked into incompletes for this semester of college?  I took them my first semester for health reasons, you can usually ask for incompletes towards the end of semester and then you finish your courses during the break. 

Right now the number one priority is your son and this addiction, so losing the money or the work he put into this semester goes to the back burner.  He can always go back to school, he can always transfer to somewhere closer, but you may not always have this opportunity to step in.  Right now your son is basically saying he is willing to accept help, by moving home, which is huge.  I know it's not an easy decision, but one that has to be made, one way or the other.  The only thing is that something has to be done, and now before he is too far into his addiction.

My thoughts are with you and your family, and especially with your son.  With your love, and your willingness to get him help, he can make it through this.  Much love to all of you. 

[okarol]

I hope things are better with your son, Sunny. Thinking of you.

[Sunny]

Friday we brought my son home from college for good.
He is dropping out of school because he just couldn't handle himself at all. The addiction is too overpowering. It breaks my heart. He has been such an outgoing
and confident child his whole life, yet right now he's a shattered remnant of what he was. We are checking for a drug rehab program with our insurance
coverage so we can get him help NOW. This evening I hid in the bathroom, got down on my knees, and prayed God to save my son. Then I wiped the tears
away, blew my nose, and walked back out there. I need to be strong for him. The last thing I need to do right now is to break down.
Thank you for this outlet. I feel better already. And I have complete faith things will turn around for my son.

[rose1999]

Oh Sunny I do feel for you and your son, I'm glad he is home with you and I hope things will turn around for you soon. Don't forget we are here whenever you need an outlet, I wish I could do more. I hope your prayers will be answered. 

[Falkenbach]

Sunny, your concerns and open mind prove what a wonderful parent you are. With that level of support, your son has every opportunity to make it through this difficult time.

It's great that you have faith in god to help you through, but I also hope you have a great faith in yourself (I do, and I've never even met you). And don't try to go it alone when you need help - reach out. To your friends, your family, your church if you have one etc.

Hopefully when your son has some direction again, he can then start thinking about his future, whether that involves returning to College or working for some time first or whatever the case may be. In the meantime, this problem needs sorting out first.

Best of luck for your whole family.

[monrein]

Sunny, all my best thoughts are with you and your whole family as you navigate this painful period.  So tough, yet your son's chances for success are so much greater because of your support.  I'm hoping better days are just around the corner.

[paris]

Sunny,  You have all made a good first step toward recovery.  This may be one of the hardest things you ever live through.  You son is fortunate to have you.  You are making good decisions for him and for you.  When it gets too hard, come here and lean on us.  We are all here for you

[thegrammalady]

i just found this thread. i'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. hopefully you will be able to get him into a rehab program and it will stick. hopefully he will want it to. you are not a bad mother, you didn't cause this to happen. remember we are all here for you.