Dating Question - How and when do you bring up ESRD?

[keefer51]

I am sorry i haven't responded sooner. The question about brining up ESRD is a very good one. Let me first say that yes i was very lucky to meet mysty. We met on a dating site where believe this or not my friends i had over a hundred hits. So out of a hundred women who responded to my profile only one took the chance. I never gave it much thought (ESRD) before my transplant. I was married and was told she had enough of my ESRD and wanted out. Since then i have learned when to and when not to bring it up. I dated a few and lived with a few women after my divorce. My transplant lasted a little over ten years. When dialysis came back into my life i found it next to imposable to date again. Time after time i would get that look or the polite e-mails then i wouldn't hear from them again. There are two things to me that happens first you date which to this old man means go out, dinner, movies, etc... If nothing is said at this time than so be it. Then there are the dates where you feel like this could end up in a "relationship" Then and only then is it appropriate to bring it up. Your chance of her saying good bye are great. But i can only suggest to you to keep trying. It took me 5 years to find Mysty. I know in my heart that she would still love me esrd or no esrd. It is very frustrating and depressing to try and start a relationship with this God awful disease. Please don't give up my friend. Be honest and up front. If she can't deal with it then you have no other choice but to move on. You never know a little time can go by and you would get a phone call and out the blue and she would want to see you. It has to hit people first. Then most will figure out it is not the plague.

[RichardMEL]

I really apprieciate the imput from Keefer and Mysty. Certainly gives another perspective on this issue.

I am very happy you have both found each other and are finding your way through the dating maze!

I think, as with most aspects of life and dating, there are no set rules for this sort of thing. Clearly facing a serious medical condition such as ESRD adds another aspect to the complex minefield that dating can be.

I think the point made that if someone wants to run from who you are - including ESRD - then they're not really the sort of person that you need or likely want in your life anyway.

It's a tough choice about when and how you would want to disclose your situation. I don't think there's ever a "right time" since there's no real manual for this sort of thing.

As I said earlier I prefer being upfront about it. No sense in beating around the bush with someone you're interested in. They'll figure it out pretty soon anyway so I think, like mysty, they'd apprieciate knowing the full scoop.

I wish everyone contemplating or embarking on dating, forming relationships, friendships etc the best of luck.

[paris]

Keefer and Mysty      Thank you for sharing your story.Your advice was very good.   Keefer, glad you are back and so glad you pointed Mysty in our direction.  Mysty, we are thrilled you are here.  Wishing you both a wonderful life together

[TynyOne]

This is ABSOLUTELY a wonderful question as I have only been on dialysis now for a year and 4 months and while I have not been faced with this just yet, I would be lying if I said it has not crossed my mind many, many, times.  I can't say what I will do if I am ever in the situation until I am actually faced with it so, I cannot provide any answers, I only wanted to say this was an excellent question!!!!!

Tammy   

[paddbear0000]

I would like to add my  now. Like Mysty and Keefer, my husband and I met online as well. During the initial exchanges via chat, I told him flat out that I was a type 1 diabetic. Almost every guy I had dated before freaked out when I told them this. I used to not tell them until well into the relationship (I wasn't on an insulin pump then and could hide my diabetes easier). I was sick and tired of this, so I decided to come right out and tell him. I figured if he had a problem with it, he wasn't worth my time and effort. Well, he didn't have a problem with it at all. In fact, he was familiar with diabetes because his father was a type 2 diabetic until he lost weight and resolved it. A while after we had been dating and we were becoming serious, he even told me that he realized that I could possibly face complications or not be able to have kids. But he wanted to stand by me. And 2 1/2 years later, we were married. This May, we celebrate our 1 year anniversary!

When the time comes, you will find the right person who WILL stand by you no matter what.

[stauffenberg]

The problem with telling dating partners about your endstage renal failure is not only that they may know all about it and the burdens it would indirectly impose on them if they became close to you, but also that they may not know anything about it other than the assortment of popular misconceptions about the disease.  It is not clear which problem is worse.  Some people imprison you in your disease and will forever be treating you as an invalid if they know you have a health problem.  Others love to play medical police and will never stop telling you what to do to improve or preserve your health, based on what they overheard someone saying about the disease in a movie, on television, or at the supermarket.  The worst problem is with people who are perfectly able to behave normally and politely when they think they are in the presence of other people just as stong as themselves, but who suddenly turn vicious when they view someone in their environment as vulnerable.  When I pretend to be perfectly healthy, I often think of myself as protecting people from themselves and what they would become if they knew I were sick.

Fortunately, I did not develop renal failure until I was into my 15th year or marriage, so raising the issue with my wife was not all that stressful.

[mysty]

Stauffenberg .. you know.. when Keith told me and then we discussed it further..and he pointed me to this site.. i did a lot of reading.. and a lot of googling....
The one thing I told him is.. He's been living with it and knows what's right and wrong.. and I do not pamper to the point of disabilitating a person..or enabling them to live in self pity..and wallow in it.
I dont play that game..

Now if something goes wrong.. I'll be front and center and a damn pitbull at the hospital or where have you.. thats totally different.

But then that's me.. and I am quite a unique person... I stay up beat.. I don't accept no or i can't or what ever.. I had a very rough life... and I know what to go after and when to call it a draw...and when to fold.

I believe a few dates .. requires nothing .. But.. if its more than a few and you see where it's going or wish it to go.. you owe it to yourself.. and that person.. and Keith is right.. sometimes... that person.. needs time to let it sink in.

Paddbear.. you were on the poster's side of the question. .. and I'm soooo thrilled it all worked out for you..
TynyOne... book mark this thread.. you will come back to it when you are ready..

Paris.. I'm thrilled to be here.. it's part of who Keith is and I will learn and read and share..and..am making a whole new set of wonderful friends and that is a major blessing in its self.

Richard.. dating.. relationships.. are as multifaceted as a prism.. Keith just adds an additional color to it thats all.  Yep.. the dating maze. ... but I think we are just a tad bit past dating..and now getting into the stage of..Florida or Pennsylvania...I think Florida is winning out.. he looooves the ocean and the beach..and I've never seen snow much liess had to drive in it.....but we can always go up for a visit to his brothers and such.

Yep.. I hit the jack pot with Keith (pppssttt don't tell him I said that though.. his head will swell up!)

[kitkatz]

Ummm...My getting kidney failure was the most stressful thing that has happened in our lives before Victor has his accident and amputation. Raising kids was not as stressful as kidney failure.  This never ever ever ends!  Going to dialysis and the doctors is never ending and quite infuriating. I think we stick together because there is strength in numbers when you are dealing with the medical professionals.

[RichardMEL]

That is definitely a good point about telling someone you have CKF or ESRD (or whatever) and having them treat you differently as Staufenberg says.. however I counter with the fact that I would say to someone "hey.. look I am here with you now. You let *me* worry about the dietry or fluid stuff or whatever... I'm NOT about to colapse on you or anything. I am telling you so you have some background to where I'm at, and if sometimes I'm tired or I can't do something.. that's why and so you know what's going on in my life" - I had a female friend visit me in the unit a few weeks ago and I said to her something like I hope this isn't too depressing for you with the needles and blood and machines and nurses and all that.. and she said something quite telling to me - "I came to see you. I'm not interested in that other stuff" - now she meant it as she wasn't focusing on the lines and needles in my arm etc but she was interested in ME and not wanting to focus on that other stuff. I like that attitude.

Obviously everyone will react differently... I know if someone went "health police" on me I'd hopefully explain to them why i was doing something, or that my labs are OK so I feel I can do X, Y or Z and that in the end it's my body and my responsibility and if I do something to screw it up well... that's for me to deal with isn't it (but I would apprieciate someone being like that if it was for the reason that they cared about me and wanted me to be OK - who can be mad at that?).

Finally I'd want to get the RIGHT information out there so that a prospective partner (be it casual dating, or something more serious) had more fact than imagination or what was on the latest episode of House. My life with ESRD will be different to the next person's given where I am at, how my overall heath is, my labs, how I am handling dialysis and so on.

And of course I want someone to see me for ME not "oh that guy with dud kidneys" but also recognising that kidney disease IS a part of my life and always will be for the rest of it - be it on dialysis or hopefully many healthy years with a transplant (fingers crossed!). However Kidney diease does not define who I am.. it is just an aspect of my life.

[mysty]

However Kidney diease does not define who I am.. it is just an aspect of my life.

One of the colors of your prism Richard?  I agree with you..Part of you..

[tubes]

I'm totally upfront about being on dialysis. I use dating sites so it's the first thing someone will read. Actually I am going on my first date in 9 yrs...tomorrow. I'm sick to my stomach right now, been thinking about it all day. My sister took me shopping for some new clothes...just a casual get together. I just know I'm gonna flake, and make up some lie for why I can't show.    <------that'll be the reason....

[okarol]

Just go meet your date Tubes. Life is too short to fret and worry. Take a little risk and I think you will be glad, whatever the outcome. Go for it!

[paris]

Tubes, I hope you go.  Put on your new clothes and go have fun.  You know Susie would be telling you not to back out!!    Tell us how is goes!   

[RichardMEL]

So Tubes.... let us know what happened... Hopefully you didn't flake and it was good

[kellyt]

How was the date, Tubes?         (Just joshen   )

[tubes]

alright, alright.....sheesh....hehehe.....we didnt get together sunday. we both overslept....stayed out too late saturday night, but we finally met monday evening. i guess it wasnt so much a date...just hung out at his place and watched movies in his room. we talked quite abit...just getting to know eachother. nothing happened, i told him i want to take it slow and he respects that. today before i left i asked him if i would ever see him again...and to reassure me, he put his cross necklace around my neck...the one his mother gave him....and he said when he sees me next time he gets it back. if there was a blushing smiley without the "oops" sign i would be using that.

[kitkatz]

    Here ya go! Two blushes, no ooops!

[kellyt]

Hey, that sounds like a promising relationship!      Good for you.  "Getting to know you" is SOOOO important!  Most people skip that step and end up heartbroken and angry!  He sounds sweet, as do you!   

[paris]

Yeah!  Susie would be proud!!  He sounds like a sweetie!  Good for you.  Of course, I think he is the lucky one, because he gets to know YOU.  You know I love you!!  Keep us posted.

[okarol]

  Good for you tubes!

[monrein]

Sounds like a promising start.  Glad you took the chance and went Tubes.  I'm hoping things keep on going well.

[tubes]

Well that didnt work out. After about 2 weeks, he stopped talking to me and I didnt see him again. So I still have his cross necklace. But I'm over him, wasn't meant to be...I've moved on. Jerk....     I do have good news thou. Met someone else about 2 weeks ago, James. We've hung out numerous times, he's met my family and they really like him....so do I.    Spent the weekend together and we went to the Greek Festival in Omaha..if u can call it a festiva. It was fun! Different foods, the pastries were good. We are dating, which is really scary. I'm not sure how this works, I've never had a "grown up" relationship. I haven't dated or been with anyone since highschool. I guess u learn as u go.

[paris]

No wonder you haven't posted for a while!   James sounds like a good one.  But no one is as good as you!   Enjoy your time together.  He is lucky to have you with him.    Love you, tubes, and still want you to be in Vegas

[monrein]

Sorry about that first guy Tubes but who knows why people do the things they do?  Hope things keep going well with James and that you have fun getting to know each other and hanging out.  There are so many frogs and apparently only a few princes so good luck with it all.

[RichardMEL]

You da man Tubes!!! So glad this new guy seems to be working out for you. I know one thing sbout kidney failure... heck any big situation that is tough to deal with - having other focuses like work, family, partner etc which hopefully are mostly positive can really help get you through. As for not being too sure what to do or how to act now you're dating... hey just be yourself!! I'm sure that's what he saw in you the first time (ok, perhaps he saw the more obvious bits about you to like... hehehe ). So relax, enjoy and getting back on topic... you'll know when it's right to fill him in on what's what!!

All the best!