Dating Question - How and when do you bring up ESRD?

[knmiller]

Hey everyone,

Since I became sick awhile back, I decided to stop dating because I was afraid to have to explain my situation and get thrown to the curb.  Luckily, I still live a pretty normal life and people who don't know me find it hard to believe I have ESRD.

Anyway...recently, I met someone who completely caught me off guard and am finding myself thinking of her quite a bit.  She's nearly everything I find attractive in a person...great personality, good head on her shoulders, beautiful, etc.

We've gone on two dates...I've yet to bring up the topic.  HELP!  What do I say?  How do I do it?  Please, anyone else who's been in a similar situation, please tell me what you've done...I'm scared to death.

[Steve-0]

I told the girl I'm currently dating the first time I met her.

At the time, I had a transplant - but we knew it wasn't doing well, and I told her that too.

She's been with me almost two years - during that time, I went back on dialysis.  It was hard for us, but we made it.  I don't really think there's a hard and fast rule - but if you feel something is worth it, you owe it to yourself and her to tell her.

Be yourself, not your disease. 

~Steve

[KICKSTART]

Excellent question but sadly no answer! I have tried both ways , bringing the subject up straight away or waiting a while then bringing it up , result a no win situation! I dont look ill either so unless i mention it no one knows , but ..as soon as i mention it thats it , the other person regardless of all they say loses contact. I hate being judged because im on dialysis and i know these people are not worth the effort if thats how they judge me, but it happens every time ..i have given up now!

[rose1999]

I can only answer from the point of view of someone who doesn't have ESRD (I'm a carer) by imagining myself in your girlfiend's position.  I'd prefer to be told after the first couple of dates, not on the first one but then again not after weeks and weeks or it looks like you weren't being up front - but (before I knew as much as I do now and that's not a lot!) I'd have been scared silly by the words 'End Stage', it sounds as if you are only weeks away from death  (to someone who doesn't understand).  I'd suggest you say you are on dialysis or waiting to go on dialysis  (or whatever stage you are at) and then truthfully answer any questions she has.  Then if she sticks around point her in IHD's direction.  If she doesn't stick around then she truly wasn't the person for you as she has to accept you for who you are.   This is only my view of the way I'd want someone to treat me if I was the lady in their life.  Hope this helps and I hope she does stick around. I'll be thinking of you 

[RichardMEL]

Great question and a tricky one.

I think there is no set answer - much like the "rules" of dating (ie: when do you call them back, how long to wait, where to ask them blah blah blah). I would say when you reach that point of comfort with someone, and a feeling that things could go somewhere that you owe it to them to be upfront and honest. Yes, it may scare them off.. but my take on that is that is that the sort of person you want (or need) in your life anyway if they will run? If they think you are a reasonable enough person as is I think they at least would like to find out more and see just what the effect is. To be honest I've usually explained before (and if! HA!) things get intimate. First because the fistula is a pretty big give away(and weird as hell for a newcomer) and second because... well I'm sure you guys know that if the energy departs you at a critical juncture.... *sigh*

I remember with one woman I forgot all about that stuff and I had my arm over her chest and I suddenly piped up "oh god I forgot to tell you about this fistula... the buzz isn't freaking you out is it?" - she hadn't noticed... but was fascinated! LOL (guess that means I must have been more of a distraction hey? yeah, I need my ego pumped up )

Anyhoo back to the question... I wouldn't say anything on the first date... I mean you meet someone a) you don't want to scare them off and b) you want to get to know them to see if things COULD go somewhere.. but I wouldn't leave it too long either... they deserve to be informed (I feel) and may even react badly if they weren't told within a reasonable amount of time (like "you had this going on and didn't tell me for 3 months?!!")

The thing to stress is that really you can certainly have a relationship with someone while suffering ESRD.. even with dialysis(of whatever sort) and the various restrictions and so on. Sure... some adjustments may need to be made.... and allowances ... but it's by no means a show stopper.. and if I was telling someone that I'd be hilighting that if they look like they want to run.

Just my thoughts....

[Lori1851]

I know for my son he was always upfront about his disease. He also told them he doesnt want pity. If it is the right one its not gonna matter! My son has a g/f of 9 mths now,  the longest relationship he has ever had. He seems to berelaly happy now . Goodluck!

 
Lori/Indiana

[stauffenberg]

The answer depends in part on whether you are male or female, and whether the person you are dating is the sort who will look up information about your condition on the internet or at the medical library.  The dating partner's reaction to discovering that 60% of men on dialysis become impotent, or that women on dialysis typically cannot become pregnant, may discourage some dating partners, depending on the nature of their interest.  The information about limited life expectancy of people on dialysis might scare some partners away as well.  Generally, it is unfair to the other person but more advantageous to the dialysis patient if you get your dating partner trapped in a relationship by love before you reveal the awful secrets and prognoses in the background, so they will have a harder time escaping.

[aharris2]

Hey everyone,

Since I became sick awhile back, I decided to stop dating because I was afraid to have to explain my situation and get thrown to the curb.  Luckily, I still live a pretty normal life and people who don't know me find it hard to believe I have ESRD.

Anyway...recently, I met someone who completely caught me off guard and am finding myself thinking of her quite a bit.  She's nearly everything I find attractive in a person...great personality, good head on her shoulders, beautiful, etc.

We've gone on two dates...I've yet to bring up the topic.  HELP!  What do I say?  How do I do it?  Please, anyone else who's been in a similar situation, please tell me what you've done...I'm scared to death.

I would suggest a dinner date, sooner rather than later. The dinner date and the binders would create the forum for discussion - using binders to absorb phosphorus because your kidneys have failed, etc. Sooner - so that should she run away you won't be totally invested in her.

Best of luck, knmiller... I hope it goes well for you (two)

Alene

(keefer, mysty???)

[meadowlandsnj]

The answer depends in part on whether you are male or female, and whether the person you are dating is the sort who will look up information about your condition on the internet or at the medical library. 

 The dating partner's reaction to discovering that 60% of men on dialysis become impotent, or that women on dialysis typically cannot become pregnant, may discourage some dating partners, depending on the nature of their interest.  The information about limited life expectancy of people on dialysis might scare some partners away as well.  Generally, it is unfair to the other person but more advantageous to the dialysis patient if you get your dating partner trapped in a relationship by love before you reveal the awful secrets and prognoses in the background, so they will have a harder time escaping.

Isn't there medication for impotense?  Viagra or Cialis? 
About not having children, not everyone wants to have kids, or they can adopt a child.  Besides shouldn't you date and get to know a person before you start talking about kids? 

You know what, thanks Stauf.  You've crushed my dreams about ever finding love.  I might as well just get 60 cats and become one of those old maids you hear about pining away drinking Sherry and reading romance novels.  You're a cruel, cruel man Stauffenberg.
You're my own personal dreamcrusher, dam it!!   

[meadowlandsnj]

Be yourself, not your disease. 

~Steve

I love that!  Something we all can take to heart.   

Donna

[okarol]

The answer depends in part on whether you are male or female, and whether the person you are dating is the sort who will look up information about your condition on the internet or at the medical library.  The dating partner's reaction to discovering that 60% of men on dialysis become impotent, or that women on dialysis typically cannot become pregnant, may discourage some dating partners, depending on the nature of their interest.  The information about limited life expectancy of people on dialysis might scare some partners away as well.  Generally, it is unfair to the other person but more advantageous to the dialysis patient if you get your dating partner trapped in a relationship by love before you reveal the awful secrets and prognoses in the background, so they will have a harder time escaping.

Don't surgarcoat if Stauffy! 

[petey]

First of all, if I were the "date," I would want to know upfront that my prospective male friend had ESRD and was on dialysis.  (This doesn't apply to me and Marvin because we were married for 9 years before ESRD grabbed him, but I'm thinking hypothetically.)

Secondly, there's a new romance blossoming here on IHD between Mysty and Keefer.  She knew upfront his health issues, and she sounds like she's in love with him.  She, apparently, saw Keefer for the great guy he is, and dialysis didn't scare her away.  That's the kind of person who can handle -- and help you through -- this disease.  If they're not like Mysty (totally accepting, inquisitive, and supportive), I don't think I'd want them for a companion/partner/possible spouse.

Thirdly, when I married Marvin, I wasn't looking for a father for my children -- I was looking for a companion/ life-time partner/husband/lover/best friend.  Now, 22 years later, he's still all those things to me, and we couldn't -- and don't -- have any children.

And, lastly, IF Marvin had had ESRD and been on dialysis before we met, would it have changed my mind about dating and marrying him?  Absolutely not!  He's a great guy with a wonderful personality.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me happy.  He makes me complete.  And, to top it off, he's exceptionally cute!  Thirteen years of dialysis hasn't changed any of these things about him.

[Meinuk]

If a relationship doesn't work out because of dialysis/CKD.  Then it wasn't the right relationship for you.  Move on. 

When to tell?  You'll know. Never hit anyone with a laundry list of your ailments. (what a turn-off)  But If you spend m/w/f tied to a machine, or you dwell every night, or like me, you are a 5x a week person, it's gonna come up pretty early in your dating.  Just don't lie, and don't be scared.  Be yourself and let that other person into your life - there was in initial attraction - that's why you are dating.  Who knows what the future holds.

[stauffenberg]

But try turning the question around: Suppose you were a healthy nephrologist, knowing all there is to know about renal failure and its complications, and your date were to tell you that he or she had endstage renal failure?  Would you want to deepen your involvement with that person and take on yourself all the potential burdens of their disability and premature death?  Even though I'm a renal patient myself, I'm not sure I would want even now to select a new life partner with renal failure.  It would be much easier to continue to support someone with whom you already had a well-established relationship if that person later developed endstage renal failure than it would be to choose to deal with those burdens up front.

[lola]

Otto told me the day we met. We were 18 and he at that point was still healthy, when he started to get sick I was already  

[Meinuk]

Oh Stauffenberg, you hopeless romantic - be still my heart....  (insert sarcastic grin here)

People should take a chance and fall in love.  If a disease is catalyst for a break up - then so be it.  The point is to love and be loved no matter how long it lasts. 

I broke off an amazing relationship because I wouldn't have his children.  It hurt, but he wasn't the only man I'd ever love.  When planning a future, it is wise to enter in with eyes wide open, but CKD is only one known factor - -what about the unknown?  Have faith and carpe diem.  If your partner is up for it - then go for it.

And Stauffenberg, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I read that you are married - tell us your story.  When did you tell Mrs. Stauffenberg?

[CW]

This question is tough because it really depends on the people involved and the situation. That said, personally I think that blurting it  out or forcing it into some initial conversation is a bad idea - do not let that be a defining attribute. If you bring it up first it gives the impression that ESRD defines you, when it doesn't. I would leave it for that face to face conversation when you talk about personal beliefs and life plans (third date/meeting or so). Think of it like this - have you ever met a person that the first thing they asked you was "do you know that Jesus loves you?". Nothing against Christianity but that is not the proper first line in an introduction - introduce yourself THEN introduce Jesus.

Timing is most important. A well timed explanation of your situation can be used as a good test of character- if all else is fine and she bolts after you tell her you are better off without her. You could turn a person off by beating them over the head with it in a first conversation or worse wait too long and be viewed as being deceptive. You will know when the time is right - tell when you feel like you are at the stage of sharing personal info but do not wait too long.

Good Luck!

[KICKSTART]

Its alright to say tell someone early on about your illness and if they are worth it they will stand by you. But how many of you a
have done that and been told , its ok i understand , you are still you etc , but still ended up on your own.? Sadly there is probably only a 5% chance of meeting someone who wont have a problem with your illness. Being ill DOES make a difference, sad but true ! 

[meadowlandsnj]

But try turning the question around: Suppose you were a healthy nephrologist, knowing all there is to know about renal failure and its complications, and your date were to tell you that he or she had endstage renal failure?  Would you want to deepen your involvement with that person and take on yourself all the potential burdens of their disability and premature death? 

Your head would say no but your heart may say yes, why not.  One of my friends fell in love with a man who was paralyzed from the waist down.  She really, really loved this guy.  But he dumped her because he fell in love with his therapist, they ended up getting married.  You can try to analyze it, examine it and try to figure it out but love has it's own way, it strikes you at any time, even when you're not even looking for it.

[Ohio Buckeye]

I think it would be hard for me to have a serious relationship now.
I would not have wanted to put anyone through the last 18 months with me.
I had a good friend who I enjoyed having lunches and a couple Elvis events with and he was fun but
it was not serious.  I didn't tell him I was on dialysis but said I had health problems.
He is married now.  I would like a non-serious relationship where we just enjoy doing things or going
places together.
My late husband spoiled me terribly and i could never find another like him.

[BobT1939]

Has anyone ever seen Stauffy? I mean, really, anyone had a look at his ears? Based on his posts there is every chance he is a Vulcan./bobt

[RichardMEL]

Isn't this thread about "dating"? Stauffenberg talks about "life partners" - there's a fair gap between the two to my mind.

If I met someone now and she wanted to go on a date with me (isane woman!) I would *not* be thinking about marriage, kids etc... right now dealing with dialysis etc I personally am not in that position to have the energy etc to put into that.

But we're talking DATING... I think if you hit it off with someone and feel comfortable to disclose aspects of your situation that's appropriate... I wouldn't want to hide it from someone I was interested in dating...

If they're worth it and willing to stick around through the tough times then who knows.. life partners etc might well follow.

The other thought I have about this is that as we all know ESRD is *not* a death sentence - those who can get a transplant and potentially return to a very much normal sort of life.... and I wouldn't want to cut off the possability of sharing that miracle with someone special.

[mysty]

Secondly, there's a new romance blossoming here on IHD between Mysty and Keefer.  She knew upfront his health issues, and she sounds like she's in love with him.  She, apparently, saw Keefer for the great guy he is, and dialysis didn't scare her away.  That's the kind of person who can handle -- and help you through -- this disease.  If they're not like Mysty (totally accepting, inquisitive, and supportive), I don't think I'd want them for a companion/partner/possible spouse.

Okay..I will jump right into this one and be totally honest with you about dating..
Keith and I were talking today and agreed that if there was a way to leave someone.. you would find it .. with that being said...and I apologize for not replying sooner (I was up in Pennsylvania with Keith this last weekend).

Keith and I met.. in a round about way.. Keith saw that with our emails back and forth..there was something there between us.. we could feel the sparks... this was after a few emails.

Then I got a long email from Keith saying look.. before we continue to even talk/chat you need to know the following about me.
I got the entire story from childhood to present day.  I read the email.. sat back and though.. WOW!..
And then I sat back and thought about my life... where I have been and where I want to be.

His final line of the email was.. if I dont hear back from you I will understand..
I read that line and got pissy (oops can i say that here?).. So anyway.. I got a bit mad thinking.. just wait a darn minute there buddy.. i'm not shallow... I've helped three of my friends thru breast cancer.. I was  my grandmother's caregiver cause her son's (including my dad!) where whimps!  She had cancer as well.

So.. I emailed him back.. biting my tongue to be sure and said..

You know what Keith.. We all walk different paths.. we experiece different things in life.  I believe all I have been thru.... was in preparation for meeting the right man..  I would like to continue talking and emailing with you.. but.. i need info cause i need to learn what its alll about if this is going to go anywhere..

He sent me here.  To this wonderful site.  I read a lot before I joined...a lot.. trust me.. it would be two in the morning and i was reading.. then i joined..

I will tell you this.. I am glad he was upfront about it right off.  Shows me something about him.  Tells me that he is willing to say to me.. this is who i am.. and thats the way it is.. do you want to go down this road with me with so many unknowns..

I knew the answer was HELL YES!..
You don't pass up the love of your life for something thats a bump in the road.
Look around you...see how many wives and husbands have stuck by their mate after being married for years..
And yes.. there are those that hit the road.. their loss.. totally my gain!..

Life is a crap shoot at all times.. be honest.. be upfront and if she runs.. better she leaves now before she breaks your heart and you blame it on your medical ... then you end up turning yourself against you.

Nothing in life is certain.. but I've always been a shoot from the hip kind of girl.. I like the facts up front.

Keith.. is .. well.. what can I say.. Keith is all I ever wanted and then some.
I am the lucky one for not being shallow and seeing Keith for who he is..

If the girl you are thinking about and dating wont be able to handle it..its best you know now...

Keith and I.. well..I can only speak for me.. he'll need to jump in here (i will nudge him)...
There is a country song called.. God bless the broken road.. google it..find the lyirics...
the find the youtube version of it...that is how i feel.. I've walked thru broken glass in my time..for lesser things
For Keith.. I would do it all over again..and not even flinch.. when you love someone...
NOTHING and NO ONE matters..

Tell the gril now.. you owe it to yourself.. to your well being and your own self respect..don't be afraid of who you are..
Remember.... love is not about finding the perfect person.. but to see in your heart.. someone perfectly...

You owe yourself.. do it....

[mysty]

But we're talking DATING... I think if you hit it off with someone and feel comfortable to disclose aspects of your situation that's appropriate... I wouldn't want to hide it from someone I was interested in dating...

If they're worth it and willing to stick around through the tough times then who knows.. life partners etc might well follow.

There you go.. .....I'll ask Keith (Keefer51) if he wants to add anything...He and I are in the dating stage..but remember at our age.. dating is not like a couple of 20 year olds that do it for months or years...I'm 48 and he's 52...

[mysty]

Sure... some adjustments may need to be made.... and allowances ... but it's by no means a show stopper.. and if I was telling someone that I'd be hilighting that if they look like they want to run.

Just my thoughts....

Definitely not a show stopper...