This is a rant!

[kitkatz]

I am depressed and angry and sad and everything all put together.  Bear with me while I rant. Here I am stuck on dialysis for the rest of my life because my body refused to cooperate with me.  I do not know if this is something I can do much longer.  I feel rotten. Most of it is my emotional state.  I have not cried over not getting a transplant.  Do I need to?  I just hold back my emotions and go through the daily grind.  I do not know if I am happy or not anymore.  The last year and a half has been hard emotionally and physically. If I am going to do this I am going to have to get a grip and move on! 

[Rerun]

Kit you would feel a lot better if you didn't have to work.  But, you do and you keep on going.  You just need some rest.  Maybe take this weekend and just rest.  Don't try so hard to be normal because you aren't.  You need to take care of you. 

[okarol]

  So sorry my friend.

[Wattle]

Don't try so hard to be normal because you aren't.  You need to take care of you. 

Some days I feel the same Kit. Emotionally and physically spent. It all gets too much for me. But the smiles on my children's faces make me get out of bed everyday. So I have to make the best of a bad situation.

Rerun is right, you need to stop and take some time for you. I am sure seeing the girls at Christmas will brighten your mood.   

[paris]

Dear Kit, I am so sorry. You work so hard to keep everything going. You must be totally exhausted at the end to the day.  I wish we lived closer--I would kidnap you for the weekend!  Let everyone else take care of themselves this weekend and be very selfish.  You need to rest and not have to worry about anything but YOU for at least a day. Soon the Nxstage training will be straighted out and you will feel more in control of your life.  We love you here and want you to feel better about all you are dealing with.  You are a strong woman and truly an inspiration to everyone.     I hope tomorrow is a little better.

[Joe Paul]

Sorry you are feeling so torn inside. I'm not one to cry much either, but I do once in a while - I think it helps. Let it all out Kitkatz  

[jbeany]

Crying might be good.  Running something over with your car might be better!  Do what it takes to make yourself feel better - break something, kick something, hit something. . .just try not to make it a "someone" - they tend to kick back.

Love ya.  Hang in there!   

[Deanne]

I have no answers. I'm sorry and I hurt for you. 

[Psim]

I'm sorry things feel so rough right now. It just sucks sometimes. You do so much, are there for others so much (here and in the world) -- it's exhausting just sitting here watching you from the sidelines. I so hope things ease up for you soon.

[KT0930]

  I have not cried over not getting a transplant.  Do I need to?  I just hold back my emotions and go through the daily grind. 

I have only had one really good cry since going back on dialysis 14 months ago, and I felt so much better afterward! So yes, maybe that's what you're body needs. I've been told that depression is anger held in, and no one here would blame you at all for being angry about your whole situation. Let it out. Scream, yell, throw things, whatever you need to do. Just take care of yourself and let others worry about themselves for a couple of days. You've more than earned it!!

[Adam_W]

Sorry your going through this, Kit. Just remember we're all here for you.   

[Lori1851]

KAT,
Here is a hug for you!!!! (((((((((()))))))) I hope you see brighter days soon!

Lori/mom to Dustin fsgs/dialysis

[KR Cincy]

Don't hesitate about seeing a counselor...you have no idea how helpful it is to be reassured by a trained professional that you're not crazy and that what you are feeling is perfectly normal! Just having a somewhat detached person listen and talk and advise has been a great help to me. There are still times when I question whether I want to continue on this path, but I keep telling myself that I just don't think I'm done here yet, so I persevere.

Keep ranting and know we're here for you.

[stauffenberg]

THe problem with consulting a counsellor is that unless the person has also been a dialysis patient, he or she will understand your life and its problems about as well as the average cod fish can understand and give useful advice on the stock market!

For me, being on dialysis was like being driven at swordpoint through a pitch-dark dungeon where, every now and then, a new and unexpected medical problem would strike out at me from the blackness and hit me in the face, but the swordpoint kept pushing me onward, with no chance to catch my breath.  Life had become nothing but an utterly meaningless punishment, having no more significance than being the penalty I had to pay for not having the courage to kill myself when I suffered renal failure, as I should have.

Psychiatry manuals always distinguish normal, healthy depression as a transient reaction to some immediate problem, while abnormal, neurotic depression is lasting sadness.  These diagnostic guidebooks don't seem even to be able to contemplate that the world might contain some problems which induce renewed normal depression every day by their constantly worsening nature, but also last forever!

[paris]

Kit, can you get well deserved rest during the Christmas break?  How long do you have off?  I hope you can take that time and really be good to yourself.  I think about you every day.

[Black]

I am constantly amazed that you are working full-time and have been on in-center dialysis for so many years.  What you are feeling is probably exhaustion and any other normal person would have reached this point during the first year.  Get some R&R this weekend, and rest as much as you can over Christmas break.  Home dialysis is coming soon and you won't believe how good you will feel on the NxStage. 

[Sunny]

 Considering all that you continue to do with your day to day life, it is understandable you are feeling this way now. Remember the holiday season can often add stress to life anyway. Maybe you need to slow down for now and regain strength. I hope things are better for you real soon and wish you the best.

[Rerun]

For me, being on dialysis was like being driven at swordpoint through a pitch-dark dungeon where, every now and then, a new and unexpected medical problem would strike out at me from the blackness and hit me in the face, but the swordpoint kept pushing me onward, with no chance to catch my breath.  Life had become nothing but an utterly meaningless punishment, having no more significance than being the penalty I had to pay for not having the courage to kill myself when I suffered renal failure, as I should have.

Stauff,  you are amazing with your words.     

[Mimi]

Kat I recently read that they have discovered that tears increase dopamine production and that is the reason
you feel better after a good cry. So let go and have yourself a good one and then another one and another one.
Depression, anger and sadness are the pits, but remember you don't have to pee to make you happy.
 
Mimi

[rose1999]

Hope you are feeling a bit better today and that the rant (which I don't see as a rant, just as sharing feelings with friends) has helped.  Try to take one day at a time and  if that's too much do as I once did when depressed and just take one hour at a time.  I wish I could really give you a big hug but it's a long way from the UK so I'm sending one through the ether. XXX 

[Hawkeye]

 

[charee]

 

[MyssAnne]

 

[st789]

Years on dialysis did take a toll on my emotions.  I do not smiles often.  Sometimes, I feel like a numb person and have a lost looking in my face.

Sometimes, I want to cry but I can't.

[kitkatz]

 

If one more person asks me why I am not getting a transplant, I am going to whip out the big stick and let them have it! 

Why do strangers think it is appropriate to poke around in your transplant life like that?  "Can't you get a transplant? Why aren't you on the list?" "How old are you? Oh you are so young to have kidney failure?

 Like I am not heartbroken it is never going to happen anyway! Just wait!  I am going to lose my mind all over some poor soul and let them have it! 

God help them and God help me.  I need it some patience and I need it right now!