how do you ask?

[willieandwinnie]

boxman, I'm so sorry. Are you still on transplant list? If you are I hope you get that call quickly. Take care.

[kidney4traci]

Sorry Boxman.  But it was somethignto see she stepped up, right?  More than I can say for my family.  Blessings to you, hope you do find a match soon.

[boxman55]

Sorry Boxman.  But it was somethignto see she stepped up, right?  More than I can say for my family.  Blessings to you, hope you do find a match soon.

You never know about people. I waited over 16 months before I had someone at least try to see if they where able. But it is just one more thing to drive you nuts...Boxman

[Kitsune]

You don't ask, that's how.  I was told by everyone I know that you don't dare ask someone to donate an organ to you. It is extremely rude and pushy to do so and puts people in a very bad spot if they can't or simply don't want to.  I could see if we had no other lifesaving measure, but we do and we must be grateful for it. Be glad it's not the 1960's where dialysis was rationed. I have had no one step forward to offer me squat and not one call from the transplant center in 3 1/2 years, and if I have to be on dialysis the rest of my life, it is what it is and I'll have to deal.

You're not owed a kidney, no one is. Be glad you're healthy enough to be transplanted, most of the people at the dialysis center I go to except for me don't even have that.

Or maybe you'd like to be like this young man with Autism that goes to my center whose mother is his legal guardian? Dialysis is the only place other than the sheltered workshop he goes to that his mother allows him to go to without her or his sister. Oh, by the way he can't even get on the list.

In short, asking someone to take an organ out of themself to give to you is nervy and yes, even a white trash thing to do.

Don't do it.

[kimcanada]

Maybe coming out and asking someone to donate a kidney is something that I wouldn't do, but I did have my sister send a letter to family members telling everyone what I needed.  If that is rude, oh well so sad... I would rather be rude then be in need and not have anyone know what I need!

I think that just about everyone in here is grateful for dialysis, but this isn't the 60's, times they do change, and having your personal view on this topic is fine, but calling people that don't share your view "trash" is trashy in itself isn't it?

[Kitsune]

No, because asking completely puts people on the spot and that's a horrible thing to do. I have a real problem with it. What makes a family member or a friend any different than a stranger in this case? If I was the one with healthy kidneys and I had been planning to test for someone and they asked me to, I'd tell them no and not do it. Nerviness like that need not be rewarded. Again, we are owed nothing but life-sustaining therapy in this case. Anything else is out of the kindness of someone's heart. No exception.

[kimcanada]

We will then agree to disagree, I would never miss an opportunity to let people know what I need in the chance that they might be able to help. OF coarse the ultimate choice is theirs.  I have one sister that was tested and one that hasn't brought it up, the sister that offered is ticked at the other one, I on the other hand understand that its her kidney and her choice, but not to say anything with the hopes that they "know"  screams passive aggressive

[glitter]

wow- saying its a trashy thing to do is incredibly harsh. Its too bad you're convinced its so wrong. I prefer to think- if you have to ask- its because the person is A. uninformed about donating or B. a little afraid of the process. So many people don't know they can donate at all....it never hurts to ask....and if just asking hurts your relationship, then maybe you didn't have as great of a relationship as you thought.   Look at all the lucky people who asked....and someone said yes.

[stauffenberg]

I question whether it really should be part of a healthy person's autonomy right to be allowed to keep two kidneys when he only needs one to continue living a perfectly healthy life, while his selfishness in keeping a spare for himself means the person next to him, who has no kidney, will be condemned to an earlier death because he does not receive that organ for transplant.  If a fascist state were to invade your country with the intention of killing off all the minorities in some racist social mission, then your country would draft everyone to resist the invader, although the invasion would not equally threaten everyone.  If you are drafted to fight in a war to save someone else's life, your chances of death or injury are infinitely higher than they would be if you were drafted to save someone else's life by giving them a transplant, so why is there a right to refuse to donate a spare kidney but not a right to refuse to defend your country?

[Sunny]

Me, I would NEVER ask someone to donate a kidney. I do not feel I am owed anybody's extra parts. But then, I do not view having two kidneys as
extra parts either. Taking someone's kidney puts that person at risk, whether we are willing to admit it or not. Someone should be willing to do this
of their own volition, not forced and not asked.

[okarol]

Letting friends and family know that you need a kidney transplant is a reasonable thing to do.

Directly asking someone to donate puts pressure on them (just like asking for money!) so I agree, get the word out and let people decide for themselves.

Living donors are undergoing surgery, which is always a risk. It should be their idea and decision without feeling obligated or guilted into it.

People who donate kidneys are remarkable people. I hope someone willing comes into your life, if it's something you want.

If you want to wait for a deceased donor, or stay on dialysis, that is your right too.

[Zach]

If you are drafted to fight in a war to save someone else's life, your chances of death or injury are infinitely higher than they would be if you were drafted to save someone else's life by giving them a transplant, so why is there a right to refuse to donate a spare kidney but not a right to refuse to defend your country?

Why should your dream society stop with a person's "spare" kidney?  How about lopping off a piece of liver for a transplant, since it will grow back in time.  And take a person's blood, bone marrow, a vein or two, and some skin while you're at it.

What a wonderful society it would truly be.  stauffenberg, you have an interesting concept of human liberty.
 

[Meinuk]

I've been on the list since June 2005.  I started dialysis in January 07.  Ever since my physical decline became noticeable fatigue, less "spark", nausea - much to my surgeon's horror, I've had to have discussions with a few people about why I don't want their kidneys.

Now, this is my personal POV (I support all transplants) For me, I consider cadaver kidneys to be the only "spare parts" that I want.  Part of me would die if someone I loved suffered complications from donation, or if I rejected their kidney.  And truthfully, dialysis isn't so bad.  Even though I know that it is just a matter of time until I get "the call" even if it doesn't work out or if there are complications, I'll be ok.

It is a very humbling and amazing moment when someone offers a kidney.  When my ex offered, I cried.  I said no, but the offer really touched me. (I have no doubt that I'd reject his kidney, after all, we had trouble just being together - I really do think that it was at a cellular level!)  The same with others who have stepped up.  My usual reply is no thank you, and that I need them to stay as healthy as possible.  (I know that there is only a slight health risk with donation - but still, I am a pessimist)

On the inverse, I really, really, really dislike the head of my school.  And on a regular basis, when he really annoys me, I'll exclaim "from him, I'll take a kidney".

So, that is my experience so far.  Waiting on a deceased donor, and touched by those who offer.

[angela515]

To me it's sad to hear that outlook on it. I would never go back and not take my mother's kidney even knowing it only lasted 5 years. My mother would never go back either and she actually wants to put it in her will if I am on dialysis that her kidney be given to me. It's the greatest feeling/gift and I am glad their are people out there who know they do not need both kidneys to live normally.

[pelagia]

This is how it worked for us:

My husband received a transplant on My 14th.  The kidney was donated by my sister's husband. 

My husband is otherwise very healthy and with a transplant we are hopeful that he will be able to to continue to do what he does well.  His work as a musician involves traveling many weeks each year, including at least a few overseas trips.  I was willing to donate to from day 1, but was told that I was not a suitable match.  We also considered the paired donation option, but since my husband is an O that didn't appear to be a highly viable option.  The last option was for me to donate to the list so that Stephen would have higher priority for a cadaveric kidney.  I reviewed the available information and talked to the doctors and nurses one on one.  I came to the conclusion that donation would not pose much of a risk for a healthy person other than the risk of surgery, which we might face for any number of ailments.  I also came across the statistics that show that living donor kidneys typically do better statistically than cadaveric kidneys, particularly if the antigen match is not high. Based on all of this, I became convinced that a living donor kidney would be the best option for my husband. Unfortunately, there were no suitable family members.  My husband comes from a PKD family and 2/3 of his siblings have PKD.  The other sibling has health limitations.  His cousins are either adopted or have health issues of their own.  After being strongly encouraged by a dear friend, I decided to ask our friends to consider being tested as a possible kidney donor for my husband (with his consent, of course).

I made the request via an e-mail.  We arranged in advance with the transplant clinic to keep the testing anonymous from us.  A risk with this approach is that the decision-making process of who to ask can go out of your personal control, but it also means that no one need feel any pressure.

Everyone needs to decide what's right for their particular situation.  Until a year ago I understood relatively little about the realities of ESRD, dialysis and transplants.  After my request, numerous friends told me that they knew little about kidney donation until we started trying to find a donor for my husband.  They started doing their own research and paying attention when there was a news story of one sort or another that was relevant.  Some friends let us know that they were the wrong blood type.  Some let us know that they could not handle the idea of being a living donor, but that they had decided to fill out a donor card for the first time.  Not one of our friends expressed any resentment to us about being asked to consider donation.   

In the end my sister's husband became Stephen's donor.  We had no idea he was being tested until near the end of the process.  The donor who was ranked number 2 by the surgeon has told us that she will be there for Stephen in the future if he needs another kidney and she is still healthy enough to be a donor.

Now that Stephen has received a kidney from Michael, I have a much deeper appreciation of what it means to be given this gift.  It is truly something to cherish.  My brother-in-law thinks that more people would be willing to donate if they knew more about it how kidney donation works.

[MIbarra]

Wow... Just found this thread. I'm in support of any transplant you can get. Every ESRD patient for themselves! However you get a kidney, by someone graciously offering, asking for yourself (which is not trashy), waiting for a cadaver kidney, or paying for a bulletin board on a major highway (I've seen this) transplants are a wonderful thing! Everyone deserves the best health they can have. Not only does the patient deserve this, but their family and friends that care about them as well.