Politically Correct Holiday Party

[okarol]

Politically Correct Holiday Party

   
------------------------------
 Subject: The Office Party 
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 TO: Everyone 
 RE: Christmas Party 
 DATE: December 1 
   
 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on 
 December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. 
 No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional 
 carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up 
 dressed as Santa Claus! 
   
   
 
   
------------------------------
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 DATE: December 2 
 RE: Christmas Party 
   
 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We 
 recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with 
 Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're 
 calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are 
 celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.    Happy now? 
   
   
 
   
------------------------------ 
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 DATE: December 3 
 RE: Holiday Party 
   
 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a 
 non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this 
 request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be 
 anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? 
   
   
 
   
 ------------------------------ 
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 DATE: December 7 
 RE: Holiday Party 
   
 What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim 
 holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex
 during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this 
 time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's 
 can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so 
 short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little 
 foil swans. Will that work?  Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters 
 Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get 
 the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? 
   
   
 
   
 ------------------------------   
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 DATE: December 8 
 RE: Holiday Party 
   
 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a 
 tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of 
 sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
 accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? 
   
   
 
   
------------------------------   
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 Date: December 9 
 RE: Holiday Party 
   
 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like 
 Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is 
 no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, 
 folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving 
 turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? 
   
   
 
   
------------------------------   
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 DATE: December 10 
 RE: Holiday Party 
   
 Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party 
 at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly 
 at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and 
 you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, 
 they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them 
 scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! 
   
   
 
   
 ------------------------------ 
 FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director 
 DATE: December 14 
 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party 
   
 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her 
 stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the 
 sanatorium. 
   
 In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give 
 everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. 
   
 We hope that this change does not offend anyone. 
   

------------------------------

[Romona]

 

[paddbear0000]

I love it!

[kitkatz]

I should give that one to my school secretary. She organized our staff party this year!

[Sluff]

Sometimes you just can't win. I actually think this whole charade was Teri bishops way of moving up within the company and her demented way of getting rid of Pat Lewis.     

[Bajanne]

That was a scream!!!

[okarol]

 

[paris]

This is how I feel when I try to get my kids to agree on one date to celebrate the holiday!   Please, people--help me out---I'll have the party anytime, just cut me some slack!!    Thanks for bumping this thread!

[G-Ma]

I told my kids the other day that I made an executive decision and we are having our holiday dinner on the 21st...u'all come...I figured since Saul and I are hosting it we can decide when to have it......cool???

[thegrammalady]

  i've always loved this, thanks karol, now i don't have to find it and post it.

[Chris]

I remember this classic one.

I still get emails of this one each year.