Depressed, Sad and Arguing with my Husband! Help!!

[Lulu]

Hi Everybody,
I haven't typed in in a while. I have been overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings. I sent off my transplant application to Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. I don't know why, but for some reason I thought I would not get accepted, like I wasn't sick enough or something. I know it sounds so stupid.. I just never really thought I would really have to make this decision. I have never wanted to go on dialysis or have a transplant. Well, Mayo Clinic not only accepted me, they called me 2 weeks before thet said my app would be done with the review and scheduled me for my week long tx work-up. I scheduled it and and ever since then I have ran between terrifed, angry, sad, depressed, I have lost all of my self-esteem. I don't know what happened. I have been battling with my husband night and day. We have been getting into screaming matches. He says I am shutting him out.

I don't know if I ever told anyone here at IHD this, and it is embarrasing to admit, especially in front of the hemo patients. But, here it goes, I am terrified of needles. When I was a little girl the nurses used to hold my arms down to forcefully put the i.v.s in for IVPs and hold my arm down to have blood drawn.  I have been dealing with doctors and in and out of hospitals for 37 years. In the 70's the nurses were so horrible. I know t is different now, but I don't know how to get my body at it's most primal level to understand that.

I tried to explain to the transplant coordinator that I am afraid of needles, she could have cared less. I have to get 21 vials blood taken that week and I never let anyone touch the center of my arm. I don't know how I am ever going to make it through the whole process, especially post transplant. I really just want to throw in the towel. Live out my days and go to sleep one day and die.

I promised my husband I would not do that. But, I am hating that I made that promise. What do I do when my own personal hell (needles) is what will help keep me alive? How do I make it though? Please help. I feel so lost and so stupid that I can't just conquer this fear. It is so deep rooted. I don't know how to get along with my husband when all I want to do is crawl in a dark, dark cave.    Lulu

[glitter]

I do not have any words of wisdom for you- but heres a hug    it sounds like you have alot to live for.  have you had any therapy? 

is there a doctor in your life that is aware of your feelings? 

[angela515]

I don't know how to help you get over your fear of needles... and never had to get over it myself, so I have no advice there... but I hope and pray you get through this and can find a way to not fight with your husband so it will be a little less stressful for you.  

[Ang]

hey  just  a  thought,might  help  alleviate  your  fear  of  needles,ask  the  nurses  etc,can  you  have  a  couple  of  needles  to  play  around  with,touch  feel,also  some  hospitals  have  a  thing  comparable  to  your  arm  as  in  needling.
if  the  pain  of  the needle  is  an  issue,  here  in  oz, i  use  emlar  cream,also  known  as  lignocaine,  put  it  on  about  2  hours  prior  to  treatment,if  the  nurses  hit  the  exact  spot,  you  don't  feel  anything.
good  luck  with  it  all.

[Redbomb]

hey  just  a  thought,might  help  alleviate  your  fear  of  needles,ask  the  nurses  etc,can  you  have  a  couple  of  needles  to  play  around  with,touch  feel,also  some  hospitals  have  a  thing  comparable  to  your  arm  as  in  needling.
if  the  pain  of  the needle  is  an  issue,  here  in  oz, i  use  emlar  cream,also  known  as  lignocaine,  put  it  on  about  2  hours  prior  to  treatment,if  the  nurses  hit  the  exact  spot,  you  don't  feel  anything.
good  luck  with  it  all.

I agree.  Another thing, since they are going to be doing the draw at the Center, you can have them use Lydocain (spelling?).  Then, the only thing you'll feel is the first little stick of the Lydocain shot!  When I have an IV inserted and even the first stick or two on my Fistula I have them use Lydocain.

I'll be saying a prayer for you, so that you can get through this!   

[KICKSTART]

I am not sure how things work over there but do you have a GP ?  You need to talk to someone about councilling over your fear of needles. Its no good putting cream on an arm if your fear is the needle itself. You need to find someone who will listen and possibly hypnotherapy ? The reason you are lashing out at your hubby is because of all these mixed feelings you are having, its easy to lash out at the person you are closest too. Try and explain to him how you feel , your fears and feelings. Tell him its not personal and you dont mean it when you are angry. Hopefully he will understand a bit better then and be more supportive or just not take it to heart when you start. He cant begin to guess whats going on in your head. I hope you can find some help with your phobia soon ..best wishes .

[lola]

Lulu wish I could give you some advice but is all I can do is send  hang in there.

[boxman55]

this might be extreme but, what about having a port placed in your chest area then all blood draws can take place through that. No needles...Boxman

[stauffenberg]

As a type 1 diabetic, I've had to give myself more than 40,000 subcutaneous injections in my life.  I have also taken fresh cell therapy, a form of treatment used in Europe in which animal cells are injected into the body to reactivate functional deficiencies in the corresponding organs, and for these I had to use a broad gauge needle for direct intramuscular injection on myself.  I have also done the same with vitamin E injections, and have given myself vitamin E intra-arterially.  While there is a tiny bit of pain sometimes, depending on the type and the location of the needle, the secret of not being bothered by it is to put yourself in a frame of mind ahead of time in which you do not care what the experience feels like, so you can regard your pain as a neutral phenomenon you just happen to notice, like seeing a tree or smelling a flower.  Fear of pain has to do with being disposed in advance to regard the experience as something important for you.

You might also consider treatment by a professional hypnotist, who can be quite effective in helping people get over irrational fears.

[Black]

I agree with the advice to see your GP.  I'd ask for a referral for therapy to someone specializing in phobias and a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. You CAN fix this but you need professional help.

As far as your husband, it's hard to give good advice without being there and knowing you both well.  But, based on my experience as a caregiver, I would start by thanking  him for his concern, but tell him that you need a little while to concentrate on yourself and the issues you are facing, and when you get to where you can talk about it you'll let him know.

[Some men, who continue to read from this point on, may be offended.  It either applies to you, or it doesn't.  If it doesn't, then you shouldn't be offended.]

Some people, especially some men, aren't happy if they think that they aren't the most important all consuming thing in you life, and feel threatend and insecure if they notice that you are totally absorbed in something other than them.  It's a blow the male ego often doesn't handle well.  Besides that, he most likely expected a wife that would be a partner and did not expect this caregiver roll, and likely didn't think it would be so difficult.  Most men are not natural nurturers.  It's hard for many of them to be understanding, empathetic, tender and caring when their needs are not being met and are not the priority in the relationship.  He probably didn't know what it would be like to be in the position to have to take up the slack your health problem has created in your household.

I know it's hard to empathize with him when you are handling difficult issues yourself, but keep in mind that he can never really know what it's like to be in your shoes either.  When you get to see the therapist ask first thing about getting a small block of time to include your husband and use most of it to reassure him that he is important to you and an important part of your life.  Let him know that you will always need him to be strong and supportive even when you can't open up to him. Tell him that even when you forget to thank him,  or even can't thank him, for that loving support, you do appreciate it.  Try to remind yourself to tell him at least once a day one reason why you are glad he is in your life, or something about him that made you fall in love with him.  Some men seem to need that more than their wives do when things aren't going well.

Hope things get better soon, but never forget that he is NOT the patient, YOU are.  You have to take care of yourself first.  Do the best you can for you.     

[okarol]

Dear Lulu,
I am embarrassed to say how much needles freak me out. In the last 6 years of blood draws and dialysis for Jenna, I never could even look - and it wasn't even MY arm. I get so sick anticipating any needles sticks! I had gestational diabetes with my last 2 pregnancies, and I had to have weekly blood tests. If it weren't for the sake of the babies health I don't think I could have gotten through it! I also freak out when the dentist has to give novocaine in the gum - God I get sick to my stomach and in a panic state. So I think I have an idea of how you may be feeling. If it were me I would do whatever I could to get through it, because as phobic as I am about the needles, it's necessary to do what's needed - for your family and yourself. You will hopefully get a good transplant and not have to have as many more sticks later! The dentist has me take a valium about 30 mins before I see him. It helps a lot. Could you try that? What you are going through is very stressful, and it was just before Jenna began dialysis that they started her on anti-depressants. This may be an option too. Best of luck to you!

[Jannie]

I too have a fear of needles. I've been dialyzing since August 20. I use Emla cream (Lidocaine) and it helps a lot. At the center they told me there's also a numbing/freezing spray. I've seen other patients use it. Every time they insert the needles, I feel a slight sting, like a bee. The good news is the pain quickly disappears. As far as your husband, men like to "solve" all the wife's problems. When I tell my hubby something is worrying me, he feels compelled to fix it. Sometimes I know there's no solution, I just want someone to say "Don't worry. It's going to be okay." Last week, my doctor wrote me a prescription for Zanax, an anti-anxiety medication. I hope it helps!

[paddbear0000]

I agree with the anxiety medication recommendation. I was put on diazepam for a while and it really helped me with my fear of crowds. I used to have such bad anxiety attacks, I would throw up and/or pass out in crowds. It may sound weird, but it really made me feel braver.

[Sunny]

Good to hear you have been accepted at the Mayo Transplant Center. Maybe you are having a lot of anxiety about the whole issue of having a transplant and all that it entails. The needle issue is also very difficult. Sounds like you are going through some very big changes at this stage in your life and things like this can create a lot of tension between couples. Hang in there, he must love you very much and probably wants to be helpful. However,sometimes men have a difficult time in the listening/talking department. As for the needles, when I have my blood drawn every 4 - 6 weeks I just don't look and always stare in the opposite direction. Some nurses are better than other at sticking the needle and this can make a big difference.Where possible, I try to choose the places with the best nurses. Also, I try very hard to remain completely relaxed during the moments of the blood draw as I have found relaxation eases the pain because the muscles aren't tense. While having the needle work done, relax and think about someplace nice (sort of a meditation technique). Maybe this will help a little with the needle fear.

[skyedogrocks]

I'm so sorry that you have that fear  .  All the advice here is great.  Here's another bit of advice.  Make sure they have a top notch tech draw your blood.  Call and request them before hand.  It makes all the difference in the world when a Pro draws your blood.  I have had some really horrible techs draw from me making it a horrible experience.

Good Luck!!

[MyssAnne]

I agree with everyone, they all have good advice, so hopefully you can feel assured that you are NOT alone. I still hate them, and I do my epogen myself..that's funny, right there, because I dance the needle while whimpering..I don't wanna do this. I do, of course. Definitely get a good technician. IF you can do valium, something like that, all the better. DO tell the transplant coordinator, and if she gets sniffy, bite her ankles. She deserves it.  We're with ya, all the way!!! 

[Stacy Without An E]

I understand exactly where you're coming from with your fear of needles.  I have them use the lidocaine injection into each port on my access before placing the 16 gauge needles in.  The smaller needles only burn while, if the lidocaine misses, I'm in a world of pain.  For those of us who return to Dialysis after an extended kidney transplant, the longer you're on steroids the LOWER your resistance to pain.  Some medical personnel are unaware of this and berate me when I'm in pain.  Twenty needles a week, no exceptions.  It's not easy.

It seems (and I'm just guessing here) that if medical personnel were holding you down while administering needles you'd carry an extra fear of needles into adulthood.  That's just insane.  And unfair.

My doctor has been hind enough to prescribe Vicodin for nights when the needles are unbearable.  I rarely use it, but it's nice to know that it's there if I'm suffering.

If your doctor is willing, I would ask for a catheter instead.  Your Dialysis treatment won't be as high as with the fistula, but at least you wouldn't have to suffer each time you go to Dialysis.

Good luck and here's to pain and needle free treatments.

[Lulu]

the longer you're on steroids the LOWER your resistance to pain. 

It seems (and I'm just guessing here) that if medical personnel were holding you down while administering needles you'd carry an extra fear of needles into adulthood.  That's just insane.  And unfair.

Thanks Stacy without an E, I didn't know that about steroids. I have been on them 16 years for Addison's and my pain tolerance seems lower. I don't think the fear is all the pain from the needles. I think it is that the memories that flood back like a slide show. It feels like mental and physical torture to me. And yes, I believe my fear of the needles if from being held down when I was young. It happened more than once.  I know it hurts less in the arm but the thought of opening my arm just terrifies me. I know the transplant center is going to need my arm for all the blood.

I really appreciate everyone's advice. As far as the needle trauma/phobia. I have tried hypnosis, counciling, valium, xanax, name it. I still have the fear. My GP is very nice and is working with me to have my blood done in my arm. I know my phebotomist really well  and he is in my docs office so it is less stressful. I go every month for bloodwork. I tried a new drug called Lorazepam (Atavan). It has all five benzdiazapene properties. It took 2 mg to get me even relaxed. My phebotomist uses a blood pressure cuff on me because those rubber band tourniquets just do me in. And my doc put a lidoderm patch on my arm it has 5% lidocaine and is like 6"x4" so it numbs my arm. It went ok.

I found a needle phobia sight and it said that by numbing that arm and taking anti-anxiety drugs a person can slowly unlearn their phobia. I know in my mind no one will hold me down and stick needles in me. But, I just get paralyzed with fear when I enter a lab. It's like I turn into a really scared 2 year old. I talked with the transplant coordinator and she could have cared less about my fear of needles!! I know going to a new lab and phebotomist the fear gets a lot worse and basically just starts over. I don't know who else to talk to at the tx center before I go. I am really afraid they will think I am not a compliant patient or something. But, I know once I go there is no way to hide my fear.

Again, thank you for all the input.

I would like to say to stauffenberg who suggested "seeing a hypnotist becuase they help people get over irrational fears," I know from what I have been through as a chilld that my fear is not irrational. It is from deep seated childhood trauma that was repeated over and over again. I have actually seen a hypnotist, cost a lot of money and still have have the fear. I usually find your posts very informative and factual. But, ths time I found it a bit offensive.

[glitter]

I doubt he was calling you irrational, rather the strict definition of a phobia is an 'irrational fear'

A phobia (from the Greek φόβος "Phobos" meaning Fear), is an irrational, persistent fear of certain situations, objects, activities, or persons. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. When the fear is beyond one's control, or if the fear is interfering with daily life, then a diagnosis under one of the anxiety disorders can be made. [1]

[Lulu]

I doubt he was calling you irrational, rather the strict definition of a phobia is an 'irrational fear'

A phobia (from the Greek φόβος "Phobos" meaning Fear), is an irrational, persistent fear of certain situations, objects, activities, or persons. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. When the fear is beyond one's control, or if the fear is interfering with daily life, then a diagnosis under one of the anxiety disorders can be made. [1]

Ok, that makes more sense. Thanks. My apology to stauffenberg. Lulu

[Lulu]

this might be extreme but, what about having a port placed in your chest area then all blood draws can take place through that. No needles...Boxman

Hi Boxman, I was thinking about askng my nephrologist about that. I have my PD cath going in on Nov 5th and was thinking maybe I could have an external chest cath or something. I have had a couple of sub-clavian catheters while in I.C.U. there were amazing because I had no needle sticks or i.v. sticks. I have been trying to find out how long one can stay in place for?

[MattyBoy100]

I also don't like the needles and still don't like them now.  I have overcome my fear by taking control and put my own needles in myself.  I realize everyone is different and your fear has come from childhood trauma but by taking some control over what is happening to you, you lose some of that fear.  It took me 6 months to do but once I started doing my own needles, I've never looked back.  When other people do it like nurses etc, they do hurt you though they don't mean to, when I do it, I can gauge the speed and pressure necessary without hurting myself.

[KR Cincy]

Jeeeez I hate needles...always have...my parents never worried about me doing serious drugs in college (in the late 70's) because they knew there was no way I'd stick myself.

Well, I still don't...my wife does...but I watch all of it except the actual stick...I watch her set it after getting the flash, and sometimes move it around to better the pressure. I decided, since I have a good fistula and had it ballooned twice, that I wasn't going to use the creams or sprays. I just realize that for a very, very small part of my day, there's going to be a little pain. As the days have gone by, the pain is much less - or I've adapted to it somehow. We'll probably explore buttonholing soon, just to allow me to maybe place the needles myself.

I wish I could offer some trick or product to make this better, but I have none. I explored the options and went this direction...sounds like you are exploring yours and you will find a way. My very best thoughts are with you through this.

[KT0930]

Lulu, have you ever heard of "Gradual Desensitization"? You work with someone fully trained in the technique (usually a psychologist or psychiatrist), and they begin with the closest representation of your fear that you can comfortably handle, such as simply talking about it, or maybe showing you a child's toy syringe. Gradually, you work up to a more realistic representation, like a picture of a real needle, until you can eventually hold a real needle yourself with no anxiety. I realize it doesn't help with the work-up for the transplant, as it can be a very long process, but it would certainly make maintaining that transplant much more bearable.

[kitkatz]

Hypnosis might work, too.