Majorly Depressed

[karen547]

Today I woke up and was immediately struck with this sadness. I really truly despise dialysis and for 20 bucks I would stop treatments! I HATE HOW MY GOD DAMN FISTULA LOOKS, AND I ALSO AM SO FRIGGEN SICK OF THIS ONE GUY AT MY CLINIC WHO ALWAYSSSSSSS COMPLAINS!!!  I cannot handle much else happening in my life, I am trying to keep it together but it is getting hard... My parents didn't help much either , I was wearing a tank top, and my dad said that i should stop subjecting them to my catheter?!!! LIKE I p*ckING WANT TO SEE IT EITHER?? I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR THAT, GEE THX DAD. WELL HOW ABOUT ME NOT WANTING TO SEE HIS FAT STOMACH, HMMM??? God some days its like why do I even bother waking up?? AND PPL STARING- LIKE GOD DAMN TAKE A PICTURE ASSHOLE IT WILL LAST LONGER

GRR I SWEAR IF SOMEONE SAYS ANYTHING WRONG TO ME TONIGHT AT TREATMENT I'M GONNA PUNCH THEM IN THEIR FACES!!!

[okarol]

Awww man. Sorry Karen. People are so insensitive sometimes.

 

[lola]

 

[st789]

Sympathy and understanding.

[jbeany]

 

Hang in there!

[angela515]

 

[paris]

   We can feel the pain you are in.  Some days it is just better not to be around anyone.  Come here instead!

[goofynina]

I cannot believe what your father told you,    and i am so sorry you are feeling this way, please believe me when i say it does get better, give it a little time, and as it get's better, it get's easier as well.  Please come here often and rant all you need to, no body better to rant to than to those who know what your going through and how your feeling, we pretty much all have been there.  I sent you a pm   Keep in touch with us Karen, dont give up and always remember you are not alone in this battle 

[paddbear0000]

  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know how you feel--not particularly about dialysis, but I feel this way regularly about my health. You're a better person than I am tho. I would have told my father exactly what you were thinking! Probably a bad idea...   

[kitkatz]

Well...THERE!  I totally understand what you are saying.  How dare someone say anything if they do not know what is going on with you! 

I totally understand and am sending    your way tonight!

[Joe Paul]

 

[Ken Shelmerdine]

It's almost unbelievable that your dad could be so cruel. Hope we can cheer you up in any way we can. Just feel free to post anything you like, we're there for you.

[Bajanne]

Sometimes people are SO insensitive, and the bad thing is that they think they are doing the right thing.  We have to live with that.  As the others have already told you, just come here and vent and rant and rage as much as you want.  We already have a horrible challenge - how dare they make it worse!!  But you just hang in there.  We are here with you all the way!

[MyssAnne]

Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?  Sometimes it feels as if it is ALL the time. I am so glad I have this family here, though. I'm glad you felt safe enough to rant, keep on!!! It DOES help!!!

[keefer51]

Even though it would be nice to yell at dad. Sometimes dads just don't know what to say. If you want to yell at someone yell at me. My belly is big from all the fluid! Things will get a little better. Hang in there.

[lcamanini]

I know exactly how you feel. My parents were extremely supportive whie I was in the hospital, but now they act like there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know if they're in denial or what. Sometimes if I complain about anything going on with dialysis my mom will roll her eyes. My brother had his appendix out, so if I say anything about dialysis or kidneys he just says that no one cares anymore and that he's the cripple now. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I still have rough days, but over time it does seem to get a little easier to deal with everything. Just hang in there. 

[RichardMEL]

I wonder if your parents see you NOT at hospital and living a relatively normal life (?) and sort of "forget" what's really going on because dialysis is keeping you stable... which means dialysis is doing it's job, but yeah it's difficult if the attitude changes because you're still in the same condition you have been. Hang in there.

And to Karen... *big hugs* heck I think you're brave wearing a tank top but if that's comfy for you then hey bugger it.. you do what works for YOU!!! not for anyone else... I walk down the street in shirt sleaves with my ugly fistula and "druggie look" needle holes on show.. because I want the sun on my arm and it's more comfy and if people want to think that bulge on my wrist is gross, or that I'm an obvious drug user.. so be it... I just say "totally legal, I'm afraid!" :p

I think they (your parents/family) need to adjust as much as you do to what this reality means for you... No, Toto, you're not in Kansas anymore... you're in kidney failure/dialysis land...

If I could transplant you over some ruby shoes you could click together 3 times I happily would... until then you've got all our support. *hugs*

[okarol]

I know exactly how you feel. My parents were extremely supportive whie I was in the hospital, but now they act like there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know if they're in denial or what. Sometimes if I complain about anything going on with dialysis my mom will roll her eyes. My brother had his appendix out, so if I say anything about dialysis or kidneys he just says that no one cares anymore and that he's the cripple now. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I still have rough days, but over time it does seem to get a little easier to deal with everything. Just hang in there. 

A friend asked Jenna recently "Do you think your siblings are envious of the extra attention you get because of your your illness?" WTF?? I felt so angry. Jenna's answer was "Well, I don't think they want kidney disease!"
It occured to me that parents might downplay what's going on in an attempt to "normalize" the situation, which, in a way, is denial at it's finest! I actually did ask my other kids, and although they never showed it, they each admitted that when Jenna's dad and I were so focused on her, the other's were left to fend for themselves a bit. They understand it, but were still affected by it. Families are very complex, I just really never know what to do. But it makes me sad that a family would be unsympathetic, like somehow you'll just toughen up and they won't have to deal with the reality that the problem is a lifelong one.

[angela515]

I know exactly how you feel. My parents were extremely supportive whie I was in the hospital, but now they act like there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know if they're in denial or what. Sometimes if I complain about anything going on with dialysis my mom will roll her eyes. My brother had his appendix out, so if I say anything about dialysis or kidneys he just says that no one cares anymore and that he's the cripple now. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I still have rough days, but over time it does seem to get a little easier to deal with everything. Just hang in there. 

A friend asked Jenna recently "Do you think your siblings are envious of the extra attention you get because of your your illness?" WTF?? I felt so angry. Jenna's answer was "Well, I don't think they want kidney disease!"

My brother's also felt a little envious of the attention I got when I became deathly ill at age 12 (they were 10,9 and . They were so young themselves and didn't understand everything that was going on even though my parents tried to explain to them everything that was happening to me when it happened. They still tried to give them an equal amount of attention but this was not always possible for the first 5 years because I spent many months at a time living in PICU, and almost died a few different times.. they tried to take turns at home and at my hospital bedside... I think overall, we all pulled through it pretty good (emotionally).

[Sluff]

No experience, but I'd like to comment that it is impossible to change how others react no matter who it is. Unfortunately like even when my son has an ache or a pain, i know where the vital organs are in one's body so when he tells me about the ache or pain I kind of blow it off because of his age.  I care but for some reason by blowing it off, I hope he doesn't dwell on it because it is more than likely a muscle issue because of Martial art training. This thread though is a reminder of the mental damage done because by doing that I can see that he may actually think I don't care.

As for you Karen, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to tell us. We do understand and hope you can somehow forgive your parents and move forward. Depending on your relationship with them maybe you could tell them how that makes you feel after the anger is dissipated some.

Hang in there girl...

[RichardMEL]

Well said Sluff... Karen well done for feeling you can share and vent with us.... in part that's what the site is for along with support and so on.... Just remember we support you because in our own way we have some idea what you're dealing with (though I look dreadful in a tank top :p )....

I hope things improve for you!

[st789]

My eldest sister takes care of her mother in-law with kidney failure for the past 15 years, so she has much knowledge and sympathy for my conditions.  Thus I appreciate it very much when I rant to her about my problems.  Is a good outlet for me away from my mom.

[bdpoe]

I wake up on dialysis days full of FEAR and DREAD. I am depressed and anti depressants dont seem
to help even after months. Everyday its a fight to survive here in Florida.

What is left of my family have stopped asking me how I am doing since they know
it's always negative.

So I can imagine how you feel.

Pardon me I got the Blues right now.

Iguess we can both be Thankful that at least we're not homeless with ESRD or
Stroke victims in a coma.............yet.

Really, we've got to take time to count what blessings we do have and give thanks.
I know it aint easy.
....bd

[livecam]

The good thing about depression is that it ALWAYS gets better.  One day you'll wake up and things will look different.  Dialysis will still be a pain but it won't matter as much.  The negative comments that upset you will roll off your sleeve and the world will be good again. 

I hope that day comes really soon.

[donnia]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time of it.  I think we all go through times of depression,  some worse than others.  Honey, I am sending you positive thoughts.  I will be praying for peace of mind for you.  I know it is hard.  Many times people just do not understand what you are going though.  Just remember, you are not alone.  We are all here for you. We DO understand