Feeling suicidal

[Jannie]

I just started dialysis and I really hate it. i just had two days "off., my weekend holiday from dialysis. In the nextfive days, I'll be having dialysis three times. Why should I like it? It keeps me alive, but I feel like crap. I feel weak, get dizzy
or vomit during treatment. I see other patients at the dialysis unit, they certainly don't look happy. I think older people die of kidney disease because they mentally give up because dialysis is such a primitive, uncomfortable treatment. So they "commit suicide" by refusing treatment. Well, that's just how I feel about it. I don't know how long I can stand this torture. Tomorrow I have one ray of hope-I have an appointment with the Director for Kidney Transplants at my local hospital.





EDITED: Moved to proper section - Sluff/ Admin

[angela515]

Have you tried other forms of dialysis than the one your doing? You may feel better.

I don't consider people who choose to quit or not even do dialysis as committing suicide... it's not... it's refusing life support... letting nature take it's course with no medical intervention.

Keep your head up.

[livecam]

Tomorrow I have one ray of hope-I have an appointment with the Director for Kidney Transplants at my local hospital.

See...you are already on the road to being done with dialysis.  Yes dialysis sucks and it will for a while.  Work hard toward getting that transplant because when you do get it all of the badness that goes with dialysis will be over, done, finished, in the past, ancient history, pau hana, you get what I mean.  Keep one thought in your mind and that is that dialysis is temporary.

Don't let on to any of the transplant team that you are feeling down.  Be upbeat and positive with them.  While you are on dialysis be compliant, follow the diet and fluid restrictions and look toward your future when you will have your whole life back.

Stay positive and work toward that transplant.  There will come a time that you'll look back on these days and be totally amazed at just how good life can get again.

[Sluff]

Prayers and good thought your way. Hang in there as best you can.   

[okarol]

I just started dialysis and I really hate it. i just had two days "off., my weekend holiday from dialysis. In the nextfive days, I'll be having dialysis three times. Why should I like it? It keeps me alive, but I feel like crap. I feel weak, get dizzy
or vomit during treatment. I see other patients at the dialysis unit, they certainly don't look happy. I think older people die of kidney disease because they mentally give up because dialysis is such a primitive, uncomfortable treatment. So they "commit suicide" by refusing treatment. Well, that's just how I feel about it. I don't know how long I can stand this torture. Tomorrow I have one ray of hope-I have an appointment with the Director for Kidney Transplants at my local hospital.

Jannie, I hope you hang in there - let the social worker know how you are feeling about being uncomfortable. Ask the charge nurse to be sure you're not having too much fluid taken off. Does your clinic offer benadryl to relax you? Ask for help until someone listens. We care what happens to you. 

[angela515]

Tomorrow I have one ray of hope-I have an appointment with the Director for Kidney Transplants at my local hospital.

Don't let on to any of the transplant team that you are feeling down.  Be upbeat and positive with them.  While you are on dialysis be compliant, follow the diet and fluid restrictions and look toward your future when you will have your whole life back.

Stay positive and work toward that transplant.  There will come a time that you'll look back on these days and be totally amazed at just how good life can get again.

Very great advice... I forgot about that.. if you let them know these thoughts your having... they usually won't put you on the list.

[Romona]

Hang in there. I don't know what you are going through, but you have my moral support. 

[Jannie]

Well, I hope nobody puts my name on a suicide watch. I will tell the transplant nurse I'm feeling anxious and depressed. One nurse suggested Clonopin for anxiety. Amd my own neph nurse (who can give out scripts) will be there tomorrow, I'll ask her for something. I have some benadryl in the house. Maybe I'll pop one for sleep and it will still be working when the alarm goes off at four. I desperately want to get on the active kidney transplant list. I'll post again after I speak with everyone tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me!

[goofynina]

Go get 'em Girlfriend    Prayers are going out to you 

[Jannie]

Thanks Goofynina. You are one nice lady!

[Sluff]

Good Luck Jannie we be rootin for ya.

[Roxy]

Like livecam suggested, try not to tell anyone on the transplant team about the depressed feeling, it could hold you back. If you can tell your neph nurse without the transplant team knowing, then that's great. Or just limit the details as much as possible. Since I'm bi-polar they made me wait a few extra months and have to see a psychologist regularly before they would give me the ok. 

[angela515]

Benedryl pill form and IV form are 2 way different things... IV form will help relax you and make you a little sleepy... right away...

[jbeany]

Jannie, another thing the docs and nurses don't bother to tell you is that the first month on is usually the roughest. If you just started, it's absolutely horrid at the beginning.  I was so sick and miserable, I wondered the same thing you did - why the heck am I putting myself thru this?  It did get better - not any more fun, of course, but the puking and shaking does ease up a bit.  By the third month, I was having days where it was mostly just tiring and boring, where it didn't make me anything but fatigued.

You also might want to look into forms of dialysis you can do at home.  Most of us on home hemo feel a lot better than we did on in-center.

Hang in there!

[babi68]

Jannie  ; Dialysis is such a roller coaster of emotions. I am going through some tough times right now and feel like giving up. I sometimes think why bother...  but I think of my kids, and I am not ready to leave them yet. Things will get easier, some days better than others. Good luck with the transplant list. I know it will happen for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Liz

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Jannie

Never done Haemo so don't know how bad it feels. But as Livecam says keep positive and think about that transplant. Have you been offered PD by any chance?

[RichardMEL]

You stole my thunder jbeany

Jannie, you've just started and it is a big shock to you and your system, plus the team will be fiddling with your setup, dry weight, maybe even baths and meds to get you on the right track and when you are things should settle down without vomiting or whatever. Some people have rough times, others don't.. I can tell you from my own experience that I had on and off crashes and cramps and whatnot for oh say 6-8 months but gradually less and less as things stablised.. I can't remember the last cramp I had (hooray!) .. I am confident things will settle for you and you will feel better when more stable and in a "routine" of dialysis and life.

I agree with the others - don't tell the transplant team or your nuses how down and depressed you feel. Well mo that's wrong.. I mean it's normal to feel down specially with the rough start you are having, but depending on how you phrase it they may note it more seriously and it may cause issues down the track. Just try and remain positive and think of the goal that you have chosen to persue - a transpant!!

hang in there!!!

[angellady07]

Jannie, my prayers are with you. Take care and remember that we care about you.

[cabarle]

Janie,

Been there, felt that way, wrote the book, bought the t-shirt. I wanted to end it all too. I went through therapy at my VA hospital and it helped... There are days when I'm feeling bad, and I honestly don't think my wife understands (although she says she does) It is depressing. It sucking sucks! Since healthy people can only sympathize with you - I'm going to tell you straight:

1) GET HELP - Tell a nurse, tell a doctor, tell a friend: Whoever.
2) Meds help (for me at least)
3) Time - You're just starting and it's NORMAL to feel crappy about life.

Welcome to dialysis. After a while, you'll figure out which procedure works best for you. You'll develop coping skills which will help. Until then, stay on the transplant list. The best advocate for this is YOU. This means you have to educate yourself, ask questions and when you have to, question authority. There's plenty of stories on this board about patients questioning actions of their centers and staff thereby saving themselves trouble down the road. Also, sleep when you can, you'll need your strength to fight the ignorance of the uninformed later - and that includes the dialysis staff.

If you were a veteran, I would follow it up with "That's an Order"

Doug Cabarle

[Jannie]

Well, I did go to dialysis today. I spoke with the Social Worker about my anxiety about the needles. I then spoke with the head nurse and got some new prescriptions, for anesthetic cream for my fistula, Xanax for anxiety and Renagel to replace the hated Fosrenol pukey-tasting chewables. Also had a long talk with the Transplant coordinator.She agreed to put me on three lists-the local one, the national list in case that magic six-way match appears, and one for people over 50.well, not for people, rather from people over 50 who wished to donate organs. She was quite excited about this list, hopefully it will help give me some breathing room. I'm trying hard to accept dialysis. I wish it made me feel better. The nurse encouraged me to add an extra 15 minutes to my treatment, the extra blood filtering may make a difference. I'll try anything, so I agreed. I'll start with three and a quester hours Thursday. In the meantime, Wednesday is my "day off". Hooray

[LightLizard]

its not an easy road, that's for sure!
carbole's advice is bang on.
it'll get better. the period of adjustment is do-able, but it does take effort.
live for the good days. to hell with the rest.
having your life decimated by kidney failure does not mean that its over, just that its become more complicated, in some ways, and simpler, in others.
don't live to dialyise, dialyse to live!

and remember, no matter how you feel, you are NOT alone! there's lots of us with the same condition.
as my delivery man put it, 'you now belong to a very large, exclusive club.'
 

love

~LL~

[kitkatz]

I have done hemodialysis for eight and a half years and I am still at it.  You come to accept it. Everything that goes with dialysis is a hard road to go down, but you come to accept that this is the way life is right now.  Things will get better. 

[st789]

What else can we do beside when we are on dialysis.