Anymore Brits out there on Dialysis?

[Sluff]

Very well then, I will be hosting free showers before the fun begins.   

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Very well then, I will be hosting free showers before the fun begins.   

And I'll bring the video equipement 

[Sluff]

Very well then, I will be hosting free showers before the fun begins.   

And I'll bring the video equipement 

Who said we weren't doing anything to get ready for the showdown? We are well prepared, now lets see the action! 

[Romona]

Very well then, I will be hosting free showers before the fun begins.   

And I'll bring the video equipement 

Who said we weren't doing anything to get ready for the showdown? We are well prepared, now lets see the action!

Might I suggest a sugar scrub. Brown sugar. It is a great exflolliate for the skin. Goes well with oatmeal. 

[thegrammalady]

i'm lost, confused and befuzzled....................

[angela515]

As am I gramm

[Sluff]

i'm lost, confused and befuzzled....................

That was the plan.

Actually the ladies showdown will be in oatmeal instead of coleslaw or jello.

[paris]

I don't see why anyone is confused!! Sexy Sluff and Kinky Ken are wearing skirts, revealing their weapons while Goofynina, Romona, KitKatz and Paris are romping in porraidge!!  In the meantime, I have used up all of Ken's credit line--oh yeah, Princess Angela picked out a tiara, too.    Lady Kitkatz wants chocolate and lots of it.  Romona is busy sewing kilts and thingys to keep weapons from chaffing.  Doesn't that all make perfect sense?         

[Sluff]

I don't see why anyone is confused!! Sexy Sluff and Kinky Ken are wearing skirts, revealing their weapons while Goofynina, Romona, KitKatz and Paris are romping in porraidge!! In the meantime, I have used up all of Ken's credit line--oh yeah, Princess Angela picked out a tiara, too. Lady Kitkatz wants chocolate and lots of it. Romona is busy sewing kilts and thingys to keep weapons from chaffing. Doesn't that all make perfect sense?

Very well said. 

[Ken Shelmerdine]

I don't see why anyone is confused!! Sexy Sluff and Kinky Ken are wearing skirts, revealing their weapons while Goofynina, Romona, KitKatz and Paris are romping in porraidge!!  In the meantime, I have used up all of Ken's credit line--oh yeah, Princess Angela picked out a tiara, too.    Lady Kitkatz wants chocolate and lots of it.  Romona is busy sewing kilts and thingys to keep weapons from chaffing.  Doesn't that all make perfect sense?         

 

[Romona]

I don't see why anyone is confused!! Sexy Sluff and Kinky Ken are wearing skirts, revealing their weapons while Goofynina, Romona, KitKatz and Paris are romping in porraidge!!  In the meantime, I have used up all of Ken's credit line--oh yeah, Princess Angela picked out a tiara, too.    Lady Kitkatz wants chocolate and lots of it.  Romona is busy sewing kilts and thingys to keep weapons from chaffing.  Doesn't that all make perfect sense?         

 

,
Thank goodness none of us are famous. If the tabloids got a hold of this we'd be chased by the paparozzi. I guess I will have rethink my bid for a Senate seat. 
This has all the makings of a juicy scandal.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

The fight takes place tonight. The report of the action will apear on this thread later today or tomorrow.
WATCH THIS SPACE!

[kitkatz]

I have acquired a large spoon!

[Romona]

The fight takes place tonight. The report of the action will apear on this thread later today or tomorrow.
WATCH THIS SPACE!

If you would like your ad to appear during the mischief and mayhem please call: 555- OATS.

[kitkatz]

Will you be using Quaker quick oats or steel cut oats?  It makes a difference in the complexion and texture which ones you use..

[goofynina]

I am sorry all but unless we switch to Cream of Wheat, you can count me out,,, I WANT CREAM OF WHEAT    and i wont even need a spoon 

[paris]

Blaaaa- cream of wheat?? Yuck!  Has anyone given thought to chocolate pudding ---no, no,  just one huge hot fudge sundae!?  That should satisfy cravings and fantasies!      (When you all finally meet me, you will have a hard time thinking I am the one who made these posts)   At least the fudge might hide a few of my problem areas!

[kitkatz]

No, no not cream of wheat, too high in phophorous. It has to be Malt O meal or nothing!

[Ken Shelmerdine]

No, no not cream of wheat, too high in phophorous. It has to be Malt O meal or nothing!

 ???Now come on ladies it's porridge, the pit has already been filled. I know it's high in phosphate but you're wrestling in it not eating it!

[Sluff]

What are we going to do with the lack of participation? Shall we take them straight to the dungeon and hold them captive? Lord Schelmerdine please advise and I shall carry out at your direction accordingly.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

What are we going to do with the lack of participation? Shall we take them straight to the dungeon and hold them captive? Lord Schelmerdine please advise and I shall carry out at your direction accordingly.

Sluff
They'll participate just you wait and see. But lets take them to the dungeon anyway.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Well the big night ladies and gentleman has finally arrived.

Welcome to the Royal Albert Hall for the

LADIES OF THE COURT OF KENNETH PORRIDGE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS

  

Due to a high demand for tickets for this event the venue had to be changed as the main hall at the Tower was deemed unsuitable.

The ladies are all showered (Sluff’s having to go for a lie down) and are proceeding towards the porridge pit and the contestants are.

THE DAMN DAME DUCHESS GOOFYNINA------ No stranger to the porridge circuit and current world champion.

LADY PARIS OF NEAR VICTORIA STATION------Spendthrift (out for what she can get.)

LADY ROMONA -----as above but likes football so that’s OK

LADY KITKATZ-----Chocolate bar freak.

PRINCESS ANGELA THE CONFUSED.-----Sweet and innocent (lovely name)

LADY GRAMMA-----attends the court occasionally but a formidable opponent.

LADY BAJANNE------Loyal subject (good left hook)

LADY KICKSTART----UK contestant

LADY ANNA -------Buys her draws from M&S

It’s a full house here at this historic arena which is the Royal Albert Hall.. The opening ceremony of the national anthem sung to the tune of ‘I May be a Quaker but I do Like my Oats.’ has been sung and the crowd eagerly await the action to come. Adjudicators Viscount Sluff and Lord Kenneth looking resplendent in their kilts look at their watches and….the whistle blows and their off.

The Damn Dame is first into the porridge followed by Ladies Gramma and Anna. Lady Paris gingerly tests the porridge with her big toe and…..oh….oh…..Lady Romona has crept up behind her and shoulder charged her in and then she plunges in after her. Well….Lady Paris looks furious and lunges at Lady Romona in sheer anger! But Romona is ready for her and neatly gets Paris in a headlock. The Damn Dame and Ladies Gramma and Anna meanwhile are just moodily slopping about in the porridge circling one another each waiting for the first move. But the action’s all happening between Paris and Romona and……wait a minute…..yes …Paris has turned the tables and Romona’s out cold. It seems that Paris had cleverly concealed her purse which was full of silver and gold trinkets bought from Harrods and the weight of it when Paris hit her over the head with it knocked her out cold.

Meanwhile, the Damn Dame has made her first move with a double drop kick on Lady Gramma and the force of it has taken Anna out as well. And now all the contestants have taken to the porridge ….and its mayhem, the crowd are going wild. Lady Kitkatz does a forearm smash on Lady Bajanne who just can’t seem to get in her famous left hook with any effect and Kickstart starts with a kick at nobody in particular  Oh….it’s stepped up another gear, can’t tell what’s going on, there’s arms and legs heads feet butts and boobs everywhere! It’s ferocious, it’s electrifying 
There’s porridge everywhere Sluff and Ken on the front row are covered in it.
The crowd are going wild. 

And now, only now, as the porridge mist clears I can see only the Damn Dame and Princess Angela. All the other contestants have thrown in the towel, too exhausted to continue.

The noise has died down to barely a murmur as the two remaining contestants slowly and cautiously eye each other up and down. The world champion is glaring malevolently at her opponent while Princess Angela although confused smiles at the audience sweet and innocently. Surely she can be no match for the Damn Dame who although to those who know her has a heart of gold will show no mercy to any god damn upstart son of a bitch princess.

You can now hear a pin drop

And then suddenly the final confrontation begins. Straight away the Damn Dame lands three well aimed forearm smashes to the midriff of Princess Angela who instantly doubles up in agony. Then a scissor kick followed by more smashes. There’s no way the princess can withstand such an onslaught, the crowd are on their feet, but the poor princess is being annihilated by the Damn Dame. Princess Angela is so dazed and confused she can only sum up the energy to hurl a handful of porridge into the by now jubilant face of Goofynina. But wait….oh this is astonishing…. The Damn Dame is temporarily blinded by the porridge and is rubbing her eyes furiously. And the princess having regained some energy seizes the opportunity and is now reigning blow after blow to the head and body of the world champion. Can this really be happening, Goofynina is staggering around the porridge pit she’s completely disorientated? She’s powerless against the Princess’s attack. Goofynina turns to her corner where her support team seem to handing bulky looking object to her can’t tell quite what it is but …..oh .. I can’t believe it…. She’s just hurled a Baxter Cycler at the princess and the princess is down, she’ll never recover in time, her support team are dragging her out of the porridge, she’s not unconscious but she’s definitely out of it and the world champion retains her title. The Damn Dame cavorts round the pit with arms held high. But wait….there’s some activity taking place between the two adjudicators……..

And The Damn Dame Duchess Goofynina has been DISQUALIFIED for foul play, she remonstrates frantically with Sluff who has the rule-book in his hand and is having none of it. She storms off angrily to the showers muttering words referring to castration and Sluff.

The world champion is defeated and the new champion is
PRINCESS ANGELA (lovely name) the CONFUSED

The Princess is sufficiently recovered to enable her to step forward to receive the golden porridge bowl and a ticket for dinner with Lord Kenneth  and Viscount Sluff at a porridge restaurant of her choice. (Sluff’s paying of course)

And so it’s goodnight from the Royal Albert Hall as the audience whoop and cheer for the new champion. ( que; fade to commercial break and next programme. 
 

[Sluff]

  I have just recieved a scroll from the Dam Dame requesting a rematch with PRINCESS ANGELA (lovely name) the CONFUSED !!

Advise me as to what I should do. The Dam Dame goofynina is in a foul mood.

[paris]

Hey, how did I turn out to be a bad Lady??    Lady Romona wanted a new wardrobe too.  (Can you hear me whining?)   Remember, I am a loyal subject--I think I got a bum deal!  Maybe we do need a revolution   I am beginning to understand why people fled to the colonies.          Ladies, shall we unite?     Gentleman, what say you? Your Ladies in Waiting want respect and dignity!

[Ken Shelmerdine]

I have just recieved a scroll from the Dam Dame requesting a rematch with PRINCESS ANGELA (lovely name) the CONFUSED !!

Advise me as to what I should do. The Dam Dame goofynina is in a foul mood.

Be firm Sluff tell her she'll have to wait till next year cause I'm too exhausted from all that typing!