To go or not to go ?

[KICKSTART]

Help and advice needed here guys ..you are so good at it ! I have been chatting on line to a really ..and i mean really nice guy and a biker so even better! .He is witty , funny , kind ,and didnt run a mile when i told him of my illness and that i didnt want to date. We talk most days (but it is still early days) but i just dont find him attractive and cant get past that, its so shallow of me, and now he wants to meet to go for a run on his bike. I have told him i just want some friends to do stuff with , bikes being my passion, and he seems ok with that . I just dont want to spoil what could become a really good friendship by giving out the wrong signals ..help me !!!

[okarol]

  Hey, good post for Renal Romance too!
K, did you actually meet him in person yet? Or just chat?
You cannot control who you are attracted to, but being upfront about how you're feeling is best.
Spending time together usually sorts out the difference between romance and friendship.
Good luck!
Karol

[Sara]

Since you're asking for advice, the smart thing to do would be to not go.  If you want to meet up you need to do it in a public place and not be alone with him on a ride somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  Also, I would tend to think that this guy is still interested in something romantically, even if he says he's ok with just being friends. 

[KICKSTART]

Okarol.. no we havent met in person yet , thats the problem but we chat for ages on the net , he lives locally to me and is a biker , knows the same places/runs/etc that i have been on and wants us to meet up to go for a ride. Problem is i have no friends that could also come out with us , although he may have, it doesnt help me ! Seems a nice guy , not in any rush, been as upfront as i can be , about illness , not looking for a partner , just some friends , and he seems fine with that .  oh just noticed the flag ..had to use it !!!!

[Sara]

Maybe you could meet for a cup of coffee, or a bingo game, or something else casual where there's lots of people around?

[RichardMEL]

Hey Kickstart,

I see exactly your dilema.. well i feel I do.. If you do meet him might he feel that is leading him on? And even worse perhaps might he try something you would not be comfortable with?

I think it is great you have been honest, open and upfront.. I think that's what we'd all like from a friend or even potential partner (I know you are not after that - it's just a general comment).

I would not go for the ride with him straight away... you will be out of control of things being with him like that and while he might be perfectly lovely and harmless, I would not want to take that risk specially if it seems like he might want more than you would be willing to give.

I would say perhaps go to a movie, or have a drink somewhere mutually neutral but IN PUBLIC. Get to know him in a safe environment.. see how you feel.. the vibes you get from him etc... then perhaps you can decide if you think you could trust him to spend more time with him again either doing other things in public or doing the bike thing (which I sense you would enjoy given your mutual interest).

The other thing is have you spoken on the phone or just online? I usually like to talk to someone on the phone like that before meeting.. from a voice etc you can get so many more clues as to the real person and if you might feel comfy around them (as a friend as much as anything else as it's still important).

Anyway yeah take it slowly.. enjoy the clear pleasure you get from some friendly attention and just someone to chat to when you need it (and you're not talking to us of course!!)....

above all do ONLY what you feel happy/safe/comfortable with.. there's no harm in saying "no" or "not just yet" etc... if you're uncomfy with anything you won't enjoy yourself.

I know my post seems a little paranoid I guess but alas you really have to be careful in these kinds of situations - specially as a woman (this is not meant as a sexist stereotype)...

take care
richard

[Joe Paul]

I agree with all the posts, if you want to meet do it in a public place.

[glitter]

might he be more attractive in person?  But stay safe for sure....

[KICKSTART]

Wow thanks guys ..'Richard Mel' your an angel  , just about summed up everything for me there !!!!   Thanks a million !!! 

[goofynina]

Kickstart, i agree with the others, (about meeting in a public place and not going for the ride)  but i really do hope you do infact meet this man, i do not like the thought of you with no friends and from what i have read, he totally understands you are looking for a platonic friendship, some men just may be ok with that, but give him the chance to be your friend, and you let him know that if he tries ANYTHING with you, he's got a whole gang of people ready willing and able to punch his lights out       Keep us posted K...

[thegrammalady]

speaking from experience, having dated online. the first time you meet, make it a very public place. it doesn't have to be dinner, coffee will work just fine. also if you have a cell phone have a friend or family member call you at a prearranged time. this gives you an out if you need it. (family emergency etc.) i've had some very good experiences and some not so good. luckily nothing really bad. i haven't dated everyone i've talked to. you can usually tell in the first conversation or two if all he's interested in is sex or money.  and there are lots of those kind out there. good luck and let us know what happens.

[KICKSTART]

Thanks again ..yeah the whole meeting up thing i am ok with , i know how to stay safe ..have done that one before , but not for some time now !!!!! Its the giving off the wrong signals i was worried about and not arranging a 'Date'. Got to say he seems a sweet guy , nice manners, kind, no mention of sex or money!!!! Just a shared interest in bikes, all his friends are married , same as mine and do their own thing , like mine. So he says someone to go out on runs with , as a mate would be great. Anyway i am in no rush , but it would be soooo nice to have 'friends' again ..its been so long My 'friends' all dissapeared when i got ill.

[Falkenbach]

I'd also emphasise making the meeting a safe one in a public place (there's no hurry to go for a ride) and to re-emphasise at your meeting that you are only looking for friends.

[RichardMEL]

mmm I'm with Nina on this.. Kickstart having no friends so sucks because it's lonely and actually heightens when you are ill because it can make you feel even more isolated and lonely etc.. so I hope you can get a friendship with this nice guy because it could be good for you.

I think the important thing is to be comfortable with where you're at and who you're spending time with or whatever...

Anyway hope it goes OK whenever you decide to take the plunge and meet him

Of course remember that you have heaps of friends here!!

and ty for the compliment *blush*

[KICKSTART]

Aww RichardMel , i would take you for a drink if you wasn't so far away ...

[RichardMEL]

Aww KS... *WHEN* I get my transplant and am able to travel again I will take you up on that offer I love the UK!

*blush*

[Sluff]

Maybe kitkatz will lend you her big stick? If he steps out of line send him to Vegas in October there are a lot of holes in the desert. 

[KICKSTART]

UPDATE   Just to let you know , if all goes to plan we are meeting for the first time tommorrow! Got my Baxter delivery, but if it comes in the morining we are meeting after dinner for a coffee ! Least i will get chance to check out the bike ! 

[Falkenbach]

Good luck with it, kickstart. Hope you have fun.

[Sara]

Good luck, let us know.   

[RichardMEL]

Have fun and stay safe and let us know how it goes!

*hugs*

[KICKSTART]

I WENT    and to be honest even though it wasnt a date as such , it was slightly dissapointing ! It wasnt bad , but it just wasnt good either! I wanted to go out and have fun or at least a laugh and it just didnt happen , it wasnt a nightmare but there wasnt enough of a spark to keep it interesting . It didnt seem to flow well enough to develope into a friendship somehow , oh well back to the drawing board. Single biker guys with a wicked sense of humour .apply here ! 

[Hawkeye]

Sorry it didn't work out, but at least you can say you tried to get out there and make a new friend.

[goofynina]

Aww maaaan,  i am sorry it didnt work out this time either, but please do not let that discourage you from trying again, what's that saying?  if at first you dont succeed try and try again?  i think that's it.  I just give you mad props for going my friend,  good for you 

[Falkenbach]

Oh well, you gave it a shot. Good for you!