Friends who don't know how to be friends

[skillpete]

Ever have a friend who tells how great of a friend you are to them and and calls you all the time to tell you her problems because your a very good listener and can give sound advise derived from past experiences. And let her crash at your house all the time and pay for stuff all the time cause you make a little more money than her, and genuinely care about her life in general and well being and then one day decides to treat you like garbage because she could'nt handle her emotions in a rational way...........Don't you hate that!

[Joe Paul]

Ever have a friend who tells how great of a friend you are to them and and calls you all the time to tell you her problems because your a very good listener and can give sound advise derived from past experiences. And let her crash at your house all the time and pay for stuff all the time cause you make a little more money than her, and genuinely care about her life in general and well being and then one day decides to treat you like garbage because she could'nt handle her emotions in a rational way...........Don't you hate that!

Yep, hence the saying "good guys finish last"

[KICKSTART]

Thats 'friends' all over ! I think we all have a friend like that .

[okarol]

Not sure who said this - but it's true:

"No good deed goes unpunished!"

 

[MyssAnne]

She isn't much of a friend for you, I'm afraid. That's what we get for being nice, sometimes!  It could be
she is just very immature at this point too, to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[st789]

Agree with you Joe, good guys do finish last.  Is a cruel world out there if one is not up to it.

[Sara]

She sounds very immature.   

[George Jung]

Sometimes friends can take eachother for granted.  The more often you do something for someone the the more difficult it is for them to appreciate it like the first time.  Some even begin to expect certain things and when you fail to meet that expectation they will somehow let you know.  Friendships are built on a foundation of using one another.  Both parties that find a reasonable give and take understanding will last a long time.  When that balance is out of whack it puts stress on one member of the friendship and you will experience instances such as this one.  Keep the communication with your friend and let her know how you feel and what you think about what happened.  Obviously all of the details are not here but if after you give it your best to make things good between you two and the relationship is not happening....move on my friend.  Be compassionate about it, but move along.  Having an enemy will only cause you to waste valuable energy and more that not you will cause yourself more grief than you will them.

Friendships are an interesting topic.

[Sluff]

I seem to always be the one giving. Oh well hopefully someday they will realize what dolts they really are.

[skillpete]

I just want to say that all of you who responded are really cool, I love this website!

[jbeany]

Some people are emotional blackholes - they just suck all your time, energy, and money away.  The only cure is to cut 'em loose, I'm afraid.

[Deanne]

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like really good friends are hard to find. I have a couple of good friends now, but feel guilty sometimes about people I've cut loose because they turned into the black holes you're describing. One friend told me to walk to the nearest Burger King to find a stranger to help me change a tire because he was getting ready for bed. It was only 9:00 and I was less than 10 minutes from his house. Funny how it never seemed to bother him to want to talk to me in the middle of the night when he had a problem.

Another would invite me to go out to eat with him and his partner, give me a time to meet at his house, but it was usually an hour or two later before he was ready to leave. In the meantime, I got to sit in front of his tv while he and his partner argued and primped.

The friends I have now -- one asked me if I needed her help moving furniture around in my house after construction was completed. She has a history of back problems. I refused, but was very touched by the offer.

One invites me over for dinner frequently, even though I never return the favor -- I don't cook. Instead, I run an occasional errand for her or shuttle her to the airport when she needs it.

[BigSky]

Mood Rings- Relient K     

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Cwrn-fBIID4

[LightLizard]

I agree with Deanne on this. Good friends are few and far between, in this life. And when your kidneys fail, or any such dramatic change occurs in your life, you will suddenly find out just who your True friends are, or not!
The fact is that most people are not too much concerned with anything that does not effect them directly and many do not want to face their own mortality, so any reminders of that are going to drive them away, sooner or later.
In my experience, I've found that even family are not really what I would have chosen, had I a choice, of my family members. But, its best not to judge, I think, and to forgive those who are incapable of showing compassion is a healthier road to walk.
Now, if we could only forgive ourselves!

love

~LL~

[RichardMEL]

Yeah this is tough and it is usually when you least need it that you find their real colours when they AREN'T there for you or just go all weird on you or something. However some friends are gems and very prescious.. the problem is knowing who are the gems and who are the fakes.

I think one sign of a good friend is when they contact you "just because" - not because they want to vent to you about some problem.. but maybe they were thinking of you.. or hadn't heard from you for awhile or something and wanted to know how YOU were.

I had a friend do this the other day.. last week I was pretty down and didn't really talk much to anyome.. so she popped up and asked where I was at and so on... we share all kinds of things but it just felt so nice that she wanted to know where *I* was at and was concerned for me.

I think in live we only really ever have a few really good special friends at any one time.. some of them remain friends for life (hopefully) and others come and go...

Pete I'm sorry your "friend" seems to have taken advantage of your good nature and not really returned the support to you as part of the friendship.. I guess that is the sort of risk you take in reaching out to someone else.

[thegrammalady]

there is a song i know of, it's about love but i think substituting friendship, it still has meaning.

"love is like a magic Penney, hold it tight and you won't have any. lend it, spend it and you'll have so many, they'll roll all over the floor."

i think it isn't what kind of friend they are to you, but what kind of friend YOU are to them that really counts. still, i agree, when people treat you like that it sucks.

[kitkatz]

I am looking for the current country music song about friends. It is the one with the lyrics that go: You call a friend in the middle of the night to come get your car out of a ditch and they come.

[glitter]

When my husband had his accident, his best fishing buddy/friend of 10 years just quit calling, my husband would call him still- then when we found out he would be going on HEMO- after my husband told him, after that he just got the answering machine. so my husband quit trying to be friends.   

After the accident- I was pretty busy for a few months taking care of him and whatnot (he was hurt pretty bad) so I refused a few lunch invites from my supposedly best friend of 16 years, and when I called her to tell her he had cancer and was going on hemo- she - in the same conversation- told me all about her 'new' best friend she had just met. I have not heard from her since.

The only friend that stuck around calls me only to vent about HER life. More and more I don't answer.

We used to have lots of parties, and BBQ's for all our friends, (before dialysis) we quit when we realized very seldom do they ever invite us- it was always on our dime.
We finally found another couple we liked, we do not drink much- and neither did they- cause he was on probation for DUI- which they assured us was a one night every ten year fluke. Until he got off probation and they started drinking every weekend.

 I hate people.

[tweetykiss]

Reading all these instances just confirms my beliefs of fairweather friends where they are only there only for fun or if they want something but when we get sick or if one of our loved ones get sick, then we are outcasts....

I once had a "friend who only talked of her problems and only wanted advice on her hair and she never wanted to hear what I went through.....she had very selfish tendencies and writing all the incidences would equal the size of a large city phone book so I let her go and she actually was pestering me to be her friend until Mike told her I was not interested....

Then on another message board, I have been a member for almost two years but I was only "alright" until my husband had kidney problems...now they are just so selfish over there and very unsupportive......maybe I am selfish and expect too much.......lol....

[jbeany]

kit- it's Tracey Lawrence - "Find out who your friends are."

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor need a couch need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}
You find out who you're friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you're friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your hand
when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there

[Falkenbach]

I have found myself always doing far too much for people, and getting very little in return. I don't necessarily LOOK for anything in return, but there have been times I could have used a hand, and people who should have been jumping to return favours just weren't there for even the smallest of favours.

Now I have a better idea of when to ditch certain friends all together (I ditched a particular group a couple of years ago, best thing I ever did) and when to keep the friend, but distance yourself a bit, and do a bit less so that they don't take so much advantage of you.

Heaven knows that now is the time I need to put myself first, and it's the first time in my life I've ever done it. It feels kind of strange, and I don't want to swing too far in the opposite direction and become a selfish git, but I have been needing a lot more balance in my life for a very long time. I think I'm finding it.

[keefer51]

Pete, I have many female friends. I just seem to have that happen to me all of my life. Your scenario is one i have had many times. Sometimes people like us can have a "Saviour" complex. We help with all of our heart but get screwed in the end. I can only say that when this person comes around again with a sob story lock your door. Pete don't let people take of advantage of your kindness. I did and have become very untrustworthy of people. You just have to say no.

[Bette]

I have very few friends, but the ones that I have are great.  They call 'just because" and stick with me through everything.  My Husband is my best firend.  Pete, you sound a lot like him.  I think the 'friend' you are dealing with is self -centered.  You just need to give yourself to people who will appreciate you and give back.  There are people out there who will treasure a nice guy.

[tweetykiss]

Ever have a friend who tells how great of a friend you are to them and and calls you all the time to tell you her problems because your a very good listener and can give sound advise derived from past experiences. And let her crash at your house all the time and pay for stuff all the time cause you make a little more money than her, and genuinely care about her life in general and well being and then one day decides to treat you like garbage because she could'nt handle her emotions in a rational way...........Don't you hate that!

I reread this and my opinion is she took advantage of you......that is when you have to call it quits with those kind of people and someone as kindhearted as you may find that hard to do but this is when you have to think of you first......

[kitkatz]

That was the song!  Thank you for finding it!  I thought it was appropriate for this thread.