Hubby Back In Hospital -Ambush Begins Again

[PrimeTimer]

My husband is back in the hospital. This time to have an angioplasty on his non-fistula arm because two fingers turned black. They did an MRI, no bone infection found. Just ugly black and near necrotizing fingers and of course, pain. All they will give him is Tylenol 3. They really are backing off pain meds (to anyone) these days. I feel for anyone in pain because I live with pain too. Nothing really helps so I don't know how I've kept from going crazy. Unless I am and it's just become widely accepted...

Meanwhile, hubby isn't in the hospital a day when someone from his side of the family ambushes me over the phone.  This time it was his sister. She left me a pretty vile message. All full of the usual insults, berating and sarcasm and pushiness. Rude, rude, rude. Very ugly voice mail. Needless to say, I won't be returning THAT call. Unfortunately, this makes it bad for hubby. Sure, I don't have to tell him about this but the offender will call him and chew off his ear anyway about me. Happens a lot and more so if he's in the hospital or if his family thinks he's busy or away. But today is different. Why? Because other than telling hubby so I won't be accused of not passing along info to her, I am choosing to just ignore the witch. After-all, doctor told me to keep my stress level down. But I am mainly doing it because it's a choice I have. At a time when it seems that our choices are limited, I am expanding mine. Sort of like "expanding my horizons". Might not be a pot of gold or even a rainbow for me but knowing I am actually quite calm today and feeling well, almost chipper now it makes absolutely no sense to ruin the day by returning a phone call to the Wicked Witch of the West. 

[Michael Murphy]

That is what phone blockers are for.

[MooseMom]

PT, I am horrified that your husband has found himself back in the hospital again, this time with black fingers.  I mean, geez!  What treatment plan is there for him?  Is he looking at amputation?  What's going on?

I am equally horrified by the fact that you are being harassed again.  What is WRONG with some people?  It's really hard to simply excise people from your life, to simply amputate them from your existence, but you have to save your life, and if the necrotizing effect of these people threatens to poison and eventually kill you, you have a duty to stop it.  Anything else is negligence.

You are a smart woman.  Take back control!  Doctor's orders!

[PrimeTimer]

Hubby's heart stopped today. He was to have an angioplasty to open up an artery but his blood pressure dropped too low when they gave him anesthetic. They did CPR and brought him back in less than 1 minute. He's in the ICU on a ventilator they said "just to help him breath". He may get to have it removed later tonite if he's okay. They are bringing in a cardiologist now. Sometimes he gets low BP at the end of dialysis and they give him a drug to bring it back up. This should all be in his chart. The kidney doc knows and the vascular surgeon knows. It is also a common problem among those on dialysis. As for his heart, he had a bunch of tests/monitoring last year, cardio doc said his heart was fine. The vascular doc is suppose to call me tonite or tomorrow. Now it's hurry up and wait.

I really do not want to call his family to give them an update because knowing them, they will just turn it into another ambush fest. Guess I could give them the update and then hang up or...wait until hubby can call them himself. Don't know.


MM: You are right. I have pretty much cut these people out of my life. They are toxic. Hubby doesn't want to but has drastically cut back on talking to them. I don't want to come between him and his family, I want it to be his choice if he finally cuts them off. He's told them a million times to stop being rude to me but they continue and they even continue being rude to him. But it's his decision as far as how much more he wants to put up with. 

[iolaire]

Stay strong and care for yourself.

[MooseMom]

Oh, PT, I'm so sorry to hear this rather frightening occurrence!  Let us know what the docs tell you.

Do you think it would be possible to end your communication with those family members and just let your husband communicate with them how and when he wants?  No one is stopping him from talking to his family, but no one should be forcing you to do the same.  You are right that it is his decision to determine how much he wants to put up with.  Let him decide.  Let him do what he likes.  And you just do the same.  You don't have to come between him and his family.  You are not putting a gun to anyone's head.  Just let them all get on with it while you stay out of it.

Take care of yourself.
 

[kristina]

Hello PT,
I am so sorry about these unfortunate family-matters. But, wouldn't it be a good idea for you to arrange something on the lines of your friends and your husband phoning you and let it ring about three times, put the phone down and phone again for you to know, that it is definitely a friendly call from a person you would like to talk to? Such an arrangement could keep those unfriendly and threatening phone-calls away from you, because, after all, you have serious health-issues yourself and you need to be well enough to look after yourself and keep yourself as well as is possible and with upsetting phone-calls like that, it is very questionable that it gives you a chance. What do you think about it?
Best wishes from Kristina and most of all : Good luck to you both and best wishes to your husband as well!

[cassandra]

O PT I’m thinking about you, and your husband. Sending both you and your hubby healing and strength vibes.


Lots of love, Cas

[UkrainianTracksuit]

 

Pea Tea, I hope that your husband is in a better condition today. Please keep us updated. What a very scary experience.

Agreed with the others: these people need to be cut from all communication with you. Not only do you have a severe illness, but you do not deserve such harassment and belittling.

Are any of these hostile relatives your husband's contact numbers at the hospital, such as when he gets admitted? In the future, they don't have to know until YOU believe you should tell them and control the conversation.

Look, I don't want to kick a man when he's down, but your husband has to take a more proactive stance in backing you up too. You do not need to speak with these hostile people, but he does, he wants to, as they are his family. Totally understandable and acceptable. That said, he has to lay down some boundaries and a level of respect that he expects from them when you are the topic of conversation OR when there are instances when you NEED to speak to them. By disrespecting you like this, they disrespect him too.

Take care of yourself first and sending best wishes to your husband!

[PrimeTimer]

Thanks for all the responses and well wishes. Really helps! Hubby is having a rough time today. Still on ventilator in ICU. They tried weaning him off sedation this morning because he was stirring in his bed. It became a no-go. He wasn't waking up, not opening his eyes or responding to commands. They re-sedated him so he will be comfortable and not gag with the breathing tube down his throat. Then later this afternoon they tried it again and this time he woke up, opened his eyes and responded. Bad news is that they decided not to do the angioplasty today...maybe Monday. He will be upset about that. Meanwhile, they are inserting a feeding tube into his belly. They are also following his dialysis schedule. I am sure he is freaked out by all this but for now he is at least comfortable and basically in a semi drug induced coma.

I am trying hard to keep it together. I am scared. I feel like roadkill. Because of the Prednisone I don't sleep anyway so the feeling like roadkill is nothing new. Somehow I've gained some emotional strength just in the past few weeks. I intend to maintain.

As for being ambushed, I hope I have helped myself to avoid further verbal beatings. The nurse in the ICU will call his family and let them know what is going on and give them the number to call to get updates on hubby. They have no reason to call me and if they do, I won't answer nor return their calls. I've always told hubby that if something were to happen I would let them know. Well, this is my way of "letting them know". And so they can make the call themselves to the ICU and leave me out of it. Do I think they will stop calling me? Heck, no. But at least I won't have to answer their calls. I did what I promised hubby and that was my only concern. Now I can focus on hubby and myself and not feel like easy prey for the predators.

[UkrainianTracksuit]

Pea Tea, I know that you are a strong lady, but this must be an incredibility difficult emotional time for you. Been thinking about you and your husband all day today. Thank you for the update though it is not as great as could be. Big huge hugs for you.

Speaking from experience, a semi-induced coma in ICU is a much better way to be than completely lucid. (The pills they gave me to keep me quiet just made me more  ) They will keep him relaxed, get him stable, and amend their plan of action. Your mind must be like a beehive, buzzing like crazy, with all sorts of concerns and questions.

Good move of you to let the ICU people take the lead with communication with his family. They will share all that needs to be said and these people will not have to contact/harass/belittle you at least over this matter. Direct your energy to your priorities (your care and your husband) like you know to do!

Keeping you in my thoughts and as always, wishing you only positivity.

[PrimeTimer]

They woke hubby up today just to see how he does. They said he got a little anxious so re-sedated him so he'll rest and not gag on the breathing tube. The vascular doc is going to proceed with the angioplasty on his arm on Monday. He said that should open circulation to the two fingers that are turning black and then they should heal. They are keeping him on a low dose of Midodrine to keep his BP up and at a safe level.

Meanwhile, I thought by having the ICU call his family and give them their number so that they can call for updates themselves, that I could avoid their crazy nastiness. Boy, was I ever wrong about that! His sister left me the meanest voicemail yet....saying that my husband is nearly dead because I haven't taken care of him and only bleeding his finances dry and that they are coming here to transfer him to a hospital in their own city AND....I had better watch out because they know where I live. WOW!! Guess I am being threatened now. Well, I doubt they'll come here and besides, if needed, hubby can be awakened and speak for himself. As for me, I see them at the door and I will call the police. I won't even open the door.

[MooseMom]

OMG, Pea Tea!  This is way beyond nastiness.  This is just insanity with the threat of violence thrown in for good measure.

It seems to me that you've done your duty in supplying your husband's family a convenient way to garner information themselves about his condition.  It also seems to me that staying informed is not really their goal, rather, what they really want is to harass you.  I doubt they have the legal authority to have him moved to another hospital in another city, so these are empty threats.

I am so sorry you are being subjected to this.  It is all so irrational and creepy.

[UkrainianTracksuit]

Okay, Pea Tea, I am flabbergasted!

What in the actual _____ is wrong with those people?

Like wtf? Haven't taken care of your husband? You live with the guy everyday, were concerned about his fluid intake, was his home dialysis caregiver, amongst I am sure a myriad of other things. Where the hell were they? Did they step up to the plate and do all that you did? Yes, you're the spouse (I get it), but they have no freaking clue.

What is all the urgency for them to get involved now? It's almost like feigned outrage. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that they care for their relative, but this is just crazy.

Please take care of yourself. You should have not have to endure such a circus.

[PrimeTimer]

While all of his family are rude to me it is his sister that's the crazy one. I don't know that she's dangerous but I am starting to realize that she maybe has what they call "psychopathic traits". And her bad behavior/rage is escalating. In fact, just so many months ago she was fired from her $100k job for using company email to very publicly berate and insult someone. A lot of vulgarity and very foul mouthed, much like the voice mails she leaves me. It made the news. If not psychopathic, at the very least a real hot head. And today has me questioning my having the hospital ICU call her with their number...when I checked on hubby they informed me that she has been calling and being very insistent that the surgeon call her, etc...in other words, she's making a nuisance of herself and causing trouble. Now I'm stressed that she's going to piss off the surgeon -and we need him! As for her transferring hubby to a hospital near her, very unlikely she can. Doubt Medicare would pay for a Med Flite and he has not signed any consent. They can wake him up and take him off the ventilator if needed and he can speak for himself. He is not brain damaged. And if he knew what she and the rest of his family were doing to me he'd be very upset. He'd probably tell them (or at least his sister) to buzz off.

Not so much in the past but lately hubby has finally stood up for me and for himself. He didn't know how at first but now I think he understands why I get upset. It's not just about respect but about treating people as the humans they are. Us "humans" have feelings, thoughts, desires and are motivated. Unless I have a dark soul I want and am motivated to love, respect and help my husband. And I always have. Why his family acts like I'm the baddie and up to no good, I don't know. Meanwhile, why would I or anyone for that matter, want to talk to people who are rude and mean-spirited and who also don't trust you? When they talk to me so rudely it is not only angering but painful. These people are very strange. But they also treat hubby like crap and he's finally gotten tired of that, too. In fact, we've had some long talks and he admits they've treated him like crap his whole life. It's sad, it really is. I'm glad he was adopted and does not share their gene pool with them. But enough of the negative stuff for now...

Hubby is to have the angioplasty tomorrow. They are keeping him on the ventilator and Midodrine until they are done and he's stable. A lot of prayers tonite!

[MooseMom]

Your husband is adopted?  Oh, that speaks volumes.  There is undoubtedly some really dark plot in that particular story.

So, it's official.  His sister is crazy and has a history of really questionable and newsworthy behaviour.  That's all you need to know.  Now you know it's not you, it's really is HER.  That's should make it a lot easier to turn your back and ignore the kerfuffle.

If you think she may cause trouble between you/hubby and the hospital staff...if you truly think this could be a real problem, there would be nothing wrong with saying something along the lines of, "I am sorry I gave your number to his sister.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I see now that it was not."  The last thing you need is to be stressed about the reaction from the hospital!  Still, I would bet the north 40 that this is not the first time they've seen behaviour like this.  They've probably seen it all!

How are you holding up?

[PrimeTimer]

I'm okay. I think. Thanks for asking MM. Of course I am nervous about hubby's procedure tomorrow and...scared. He was so weak going into the hospital and has lost so much weight. An ECHO cardiogram of his heart shows his ejection rate at 20 (normal is 60+). Just last year he went to a cardiologist and had scores of tests done and wore a monitor and was told his heart was fine. So why all the plaque build up in his arteries this year and a weakened heart? How could things go from "fine" to him "needing CPR" in just a year? Or is that just how it goes for those on dialysis? Since I've been sick I haven't really cooked the renal recipes for him. I didn't make him see a doctor when he lost his appetite and started losing weight. His clinic said he was malnourished. And thank god his neph can no longer prescribe pain meds because if he were to take an opioid with his weakened heart, he'd probably would have fallen asleep and never woken up. Perhaps we missed all the warning signals, the alarms, the obvious signs that he is seriously ill.

I am not going to beat myself up for not being on-top of things this past year, only because I am sick and my husband is a grown man and shouldn't need mothering. I do feel terrible about what he is going through but it isn't my fault. And it's not necessarily his fault either. And while I try not to let her get to me, it really hurts that his sister said that I "was killing him" and "not taking proper care" of him and that because of my "mental illness" and "selfishness"  he could die. Well, I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness but say if I was, would that give his sister the right to say what she said? I don't think so. I don't think she had any right to say any of the things she said. And she speaks without knowing all the facts. But a lot of it isn't her business anyways. But she is sure quick to blame me for it all.

The ICU nurse will call me tomorrow to let me know when they are going to try the angioplasty again. Probably sometime in the morning. I never sleep through the nite anymore (thanks to prednisone) so I will be up to take the call. Heck, I've been staring at the phone already.

I keep thinking back to our wedding nite and the beautiful 5 star hotel we honeymooned at. We plan to spend an anniversary there someday. Tuesday will be our 14th! And I know that once he is stable and off the ventilator and gets his voice back, the first thing he will do is ask for me. And I know his first words will be "I am so sorry". I know he will be more worried about how I got through this than worried for himself. That's the kind of guy he is. I just want him to come home. Of course they will probably send him to a physical rehab facility again but after that, I want him home. His sister is NOT going to take him from me. He'll tell her to pound sand.

[UkrainianTracksuit]

Pea Tea, you already know this, and I hate to be the voice reminder of doom, but it needs to be said. Also, it exonerates you if you question yourself.

The combination of Type 1 diabetes, kidney disease and hemodialysis is a pretty difficult mix for the heart to manage. And the older one gets, the risks increase, especially if one is male. All one can do is be proactive about care and like you say, your husband is an adult. As a diabetic, the risks were without question relayed to him over and over again. I am very, very, very sorry to hear about him in such a state. Truly I am. These diseases suck, but I highly doubt missing some renal recipes broke it all down.

I'll just say that my heart has been monitored since I've been a teenager, because hey, being born with Type 1 diabetes is such a bag of fun. My doctor had me on a statin even before transplant not because of my cholesterol (both are too low actually..), but for arterial protection later on, when I finally hit menopause, and lose all the fun estrogen arterial protection.

I'm the last person on earth to give marriage advice  as mine is like taming a dragon, but I like the example that marriage is not 50/50. There are some times where it is 80/20 or 90/10 or some other fraction. It simply means that while both are committed 100% to the union, there are times where one has to do more for the other, because while still committed, the other person can't particularly devote a large portion of energy to it. Some examples relayed to us were deployment and sickness.

You and your husband are obviously committed to each other. However, you too are now seriously ill. You could not expect yourself to continue with all your tasks as normal as now you have a weakened body to contend with, as well as all the mental anguish that comes with it. I am sure your husband feels awful for the entire situation with your health, but like you yourself said, he is an adult that shouldn't need mothering. He had to pick up the slack in his care..just like that additional 10% that someone takes upon themselves in a marriage. Again, I feel awful for what both of you are going through so I don't want to see it as blaming.

I often think back to when my mom (I know, I know, not the same context) slowly began to "stop mothering" my medical care so that I was capable of taking care of myself no matter what.

I know it hurts, but don't even give one iota of thought to what his sister said. She's crazy. Don't engage with crazies. It drives them even more crazy when you don't engage with them, so stand firm. Protect your feelings, your soul and your energy.

I hope you know that a baddie (as you call yourself in this context) is a badass babe. Check it out on the urban slang things if you don't believe me! So, actually, you ARE the baddie here!

Focus on all the good times ahead of you two such as that second honeymoon. It will be all the more meaningful and better after knowing how much you have endured and your love toughed it out.

You are in my thoughts and I am saying my prayers for a successful angioplasty!

[PrimeTimer]

Thanks, I needed that (support) UT.

I'm afraid the day is not off to a good start. They went to reduce/remove one of his sedation drugs so that he isn't on too many during the angiogram/angioplasty but he began having trouble and struggled with that. At that point he was able to follow some commands but not all commands. They are now doing a CT scan of his brain to rule out stroke.

His sister has made an annoyance of herself with the ICU staff. My idea for her to be able to call the ICU herself for updates has backfired. They wanted me to clarify that I was my husband's main POC (point of contact) AND the decision maker, not her. So, she is up to something, lord knows what. What a bunch of nonsense. I'm ignoring her.

[PrimeTimer]

Still no change but ruled out a stroke. That was the good news and I am relieved. They are trying to wean him off the ventilator again. They tried again to reduce the sedation drugs and he opens his eyes and looks around but still not taking commands. So they re-sedated him and will try again. It's a process that takes longer for some patients. I myself went thru the process but in lightening speed, which surprised them in another way. Once I was awake I used my eyes and fingers (yes fingers) to communicate that I wanted to write notes. They keep your hands restrained in case you wake up and freak out and try pulling the breathing tube out. Doing so can damage the throat and vocal cords.

Anyways, I am feeling down about all this but keeping my "eye on the prize". Today is our 14th wedding anniversary and I actually giggled recalling a memory. There was actually a lot that didn't go quite right that day but it did provide for future humor. At one point my husband made a look on his face that I can't forget. To this day I still laugh about it and so does he. I will have to remind him once he's able to talk. And we will definitely make up for his spending our anniversary in the hospital.

Happy Anniversary, Honey! I love you!
 

[PrimeTimer]

Hubby and I are having a Date Night tonight! He is finally breathing on his own again and "liberated" from the ventilator and the breathing tube was extubated. Thanks to a very nice ICU nurse, she is going to call me at a specified time and put me on speaker phone so he can hear me. He won't be able to talk because his throat/vocal cords will be too raw but at least he will be able to hear me. This will definitely be better than any "telehealth" visit I've had! We haven't had a Date Night in a long time. So looking forward to it...

[iolaire]

I’m glad for you PT. And happy belated anniversary, 14 years is an accomplishment. Wishing you many more. 

[MooseMom]

Ah, some good news for your special day!  That's terrific, Pea Tea.   

[kristina]

Hubby and I are having a Date Night tonight! He is finally breathing on his own again and "liberated" from the ventilator and the breathing tube was extubated. Thanks to a very nice ICU nurse, she is going to call me at a specified time and put me on speaker phone so he can hear me. He won't be able to talk because his throat/vocal cords will be too raw but at least he will be able to hear me. This will definitely be better than any "telehealth" visit I've had! We haven't had a Date Night in a long time. So looking forward to it...

Hello PrimeTimer,
I was so glad to read about the good news of how you were looking forward to your Date Night with your husband and I am sure that with your lovely attention he is doing much better soon ...
Best wishes to you both from Kristina.

[cassandra]

Great news!!