Nursing Home Sadness

[Charlie B53]

I must apologized in advance as this could easily become a book.

My Wife Patsy had to go into the Nursing Home on July 6th.  Daughter and I chose a Home in Daughters city which is about a 100 miles South of ours so she could see her Mom every day.  I much rather drive down every Friday and spend the weekend than have her drive up here.

Since Patsy went blind Daughter didn't like her Mom home alone while I was gone so long at my treatments M -W - F.

There are very few people that come to the Nursing Home to visit their family member.  I don't know about during the weekdays as I get there late Friday afternoons.  But there isn't many then.  Sat and Sun I am there from 6:30 in the morning until around 8 in the evening and I see only about 5.   Out of about 66 Residents living there.  FIVE?   Where are the Families of the rest of these people?

Saturday the Home hosted a 'Holiday Dinner'.  I guess they didn't want to offend anyone by calling it a Christmas Dinner.

Family came out of the woodwork.  A few weeks ago the Home sent out a letter asking for RSVP so they could know how many seats, and meals to prepare.  They had to bring in more tables and chairs and filled both the regular Dining Hall and an axillary hall.  Near every seat was taken. 

I was saddened by the turnout.  By the fact that all these 'Family' members could make the time to come for a free meal yet otherwise NEVER bother to come visit their family member that is consigned to live here.

I talked with a couple of the Nurses about this and was told there is more than one that has Family living right there in town that have not bothered to come visit for FIVE YEARS.

What a Shame so many people can be so ocold-hearted to Family.

God will remember this.

Nurse Shelby told me "Not everyone has a Charlie at home."

O.K.  Rant over.

[KatieV]

Sorry your wife has to live in a nursing home!  It is great that you spend each weekend with her though and that your daughter visits every day.  As you are seeing, too many people get stuck in a nursing home and left alone to the caregivers.  It breaks my heart!

My husband's grandmother has severe dementia; her 84 year old husband drives 45 minutes each way to visit her every single day.  Even though she doesn't always recognize him. 

[PrimeTimer]

Sorry to hear this, Charlie. Sounds like you are doing right by your wife tho and that's good for (your) soul. I don't know how some people sleep at nite. There are those with a conscience that do the right thing and who sincerely love and care for their friends/family and then there are those that don't. Unfortunately we find out fast when the chips are down. I've had experiences where even if the person no longer remembered who I am (from old age or head injuries), I still treated them with the same respect as I always had. There's never any excuse for bad behavior. Or bad taste. But there is often EVERY reason to love someone and seems like you found that in your wife. Glad your daughter is nearby and can visit her until you get there. That was a smart decision. Glad people like you and your daughter exist in this world. Helps restore my faith in humanity.

[Charlie B53]

I left out the part about one Old Guy crying as he knew his Daughter wouldn't show up.

Daughter didn't ell me that she had asked  him to come join us at our table or I would have insisted that he join us.  Daughter didn't tall me until later that night.

She really is a Great Kid, well, at 49 I still call her our Kid.  Her B-Day is the 24th.  Her Mom always has cake and ice cream and X-Mas isn't until the 25th.  With Mom in the Home I guess I better make the plans this year.

Oh, Old Guy's Daughter showed up at the last minute.   Thankfully.



God IS going to remember all this.   And it ain't going to be too much longer.

[Simon Dog]

My father went into a nursing home recently.   Woo-hoo though .... I now have medical clearance to travel (post-xplant) so I will finally get to visit.

[Michael Murphy]

The biggest mistake people make is not to visit randomly to check up on patients.  We (my wife and I) are responsible for her 94 year old father with memory problems.  Are intentions are to keep him with us as long as possible.  Problem is my wife is 71 I’m 67 and I have a major cardiac condition,  I know it’s not nice to hope he goes before me but he is a 2 person problem.  I don’t want my wife dealing with this alone.

[PrimeTimer]

I left out the part about one Old Guy crying as he knew his Daughter wouldn't show up.

Daughter didn't ell me that she had asked  him to come join us at our table or I would have insisted that he join us.  Daughter didn't tall me until later that night.

She really is a Great Kid, well, at 49 I still call her our Kid.  Her B-Day is the 24th.  Her Mom always has cake and ice cream and X-Mas isn't until the 25th.  With Mom in the Home I guess I better make the plans this year.

Oh, Old Guy's Daughter showed up at the last minute.   Thankfully.


All this talk about cake, ice cream and holiday food has got me hungry! When is the next shin dig?? Will there be dancing or knee slapping? Old people party too, afterall! 


God IS going to remember all this.   And it ain't going to be too much longer.

[Simon Dog]

God IS going to remember all this.   And it ain't going to be too much longer.

Nursing homes have been called "God's waiting room".

[Michael Murphy]

I always thought gods waiting room is Florida.

[UkrainianTracksuit]

*sigh* So, I don't know what the pain is like to have a spouse in a nursing home. Man, that gives me sadness in the pit of my stomach. That must be tough, Charlie.

My grandfather spent the last seven months of his life in a nursing home. He couldn't get around anymore and had numerous falls. My parents kept him at home as long as they could. He was in his 90s so the renal social worker gave him two choices: stop dialysis and go into hospice care OR a nursing home. He still had fight in him (he always had fight...) so he chose the nursing home option. They could transport him to dialysis, it would be one level and he sadly had to accept a wheelchair for good. Not just for longer outings.

I recently moved back to Canada for a good job opportunity so it worked out: one of my parents could visit at a time, another (and only other) relative or my husband and I. My husband is totally an old school Slav from "middle of nowhere" Russia (aka not very cosmopolitan in his views) so the thought of having a relative in a nursing home is like one of the worst things a person could do. Different mindset. But, what he saw totally cemented his prior thoughts....

Again, like you witnessed Charlie, there were very few visitors. It was so eerie to see them decorate for holidays yet the "social rooms" were constantly empty. The room offered for private family dinners rarely went used. Obviously, we stunk it up with food. It wasn't just weekdays but on weekends too. People who visited regularly were spouses (like yourself) or those from ethnicities where family (attempts) to stay tightly knit. Some days we were only the only visitors for an 8 hour span.

One of the saddest things would be the residents who kept up big photos (in frames) of their grandchildren or great-grandchildren, like they are their whole world, beaming with pride, and they'd barely see them once a year. I guess the conciliatory "let's visit grand mother/father" once a year holiday visit.

My husband and I ended up adopting an old Polish man who had no family nearby. They all went off to live their lives, which I mean, people have to, but he was literally alone. So, we split time with him, bought him stuff when he asked (small things like candy... we got medical clearance first!) and just tried to make him not feel so alone. He has since passed but in a way, it was a release from feeling as though he was "forgotten."

My grandfather went downhill too, age and dialysis considered as well, but he was pretty damn tired of seeing us all the time. He missed the days where he could go out and see new faces. He was a social guy and it was tough being in a home where other residents just didn't want to talk. His nutrition suffered too, so I think, it is best for people to visit just as a health-check. This was the best home but a renal/denture diet meant little to no nutrition. So, on top of the cost for the home, we had to bring in food. In general, the residents were fed well but with restricted diets, they just seemed to give up. So, if relatives care, it's just best to see how their loved one is doing, regularly.

One time a visitor said, "We'll drop in if we're up this way again." IF? IF? Based on their conversations (my husband, the expert eavesdropper..) we knew they were local so you mean to tell me you can't drive (and yes, they drove) an extra 10 minutes to see your mom? It's really a sad situation. (Someone will scold me not to judge as I don't know the whole picture but the fact it was said so flippantly irked me.) Once someone is disabled (and yes, there were younger guys in the home from things like strokes) or elderly, they are simply forgotten. Would the people engaged in such behavior want to be treated like that?

So, Charlie, again, I am very sorry to read about your wife being in a home but she is very blessed to have those who care around her.