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del
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del and willowtreewren meet

« on: March 07, 2016, 04:55:53 PM »

I have taken a short break from the site since Walt passed away on Feb. 2.  My world turned upside down and inside out and it has been rough but I have been coping the best I can everyday.  I often feel like I am on vacation or everything is just a bad dream.  My family and friends have been wonderful.  I am not at home and I don't think I will ever go back there to live.  I have renting an apartment close to my family and I will try it for a year before I decide if I am going to sell the house or not. That's what I think of it now -a house.  Myself and Walt made it a home and without him it is just a house.    I am going back for a few days next week to pack up some of my things and some furniture to bring here.  One of my sisters is going with me to help me and Walt's nephew has offered to drive the uhaul back for me.  I cannot go back.  I will be about 4 hours drive from my family and some very supportive friends I have here.  I have absolutely no family there and Walt only has one nephew left there.  There were weeks when it was just myself and Walt in the house.  I know if I go back it will be just me and I will go out of my mind.  I am getting involved in things here.  My cousin's wife contacted me on the weekend and wants me to come to a sewing group she goes to on Thursdays.  A friend wants me to do rug hooking with her on Tuesdays.  Other friends want me to go swimming and walking with them.  I will be kept busy here. It is a larger town and more activities and stuff.  My apartment is only about a km away from a really good friend and a little further but still walking distance to my aunt.  I have 2 sisters in the same town and 2 sisters and a brother about an hour away.  The town I grew up in is only about an hours drive away and I have met up with some old school friends.    I know it is going to be a long journey for me and I HATE being alone but I have to continue and do what is best for me.  Walt was always very concerned about me being alone when he died.  He always told me not to be alone and to get on with my life.  That's what I intend to do.  I will never forget him and I will think about him everyday.  There was a poem read at the funeral called Remember Me.  One of the lines is - Remember me with smiles not tears and that's what I have been trying to do. 
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Don't take your organs to heaven.  Heaven knows we need them here.
hatedialysis2
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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2016, 06:14:00 PM »

Del, Walt might have left his body, but I truly believe he is with you in spirit.  I know when my mom, and other loved ones passes away they have always made their presence known.  They appear in my dreams and thru various various ways.  My mother in law had a sense of humor.  One day I wast eating lunch at a health food store that I had frequented for years.  This one time was especially odd since the food was extremely salty.  So was my daughters food.  This happened right after she passed away.  Then I rembered all the times I used grab the salt shaker from her hands and hide it because she poured too much of it on her plate and she had heart condition.   I hope this doesn't sound to woo woo.

You are wise to surround yourself with family and friends.  I wish you have all the comfort you need to help you thru your new journey.

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willowtreewren
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« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2016, 06:44:53 PM »

You know I am thinking of you. You are making some wise decisions. I think Walt would be proud to see that even though you miss him, you are strong enough to carry on.

 :cuddle; :flower; :grouphug;

Aleta
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Wife to Carl, who has PKD.
Mother to Meagan, who has PKD.
Partner for NxStage HD August 2008 - February 2011.
Carl transplanted with cadaveric kidney, February 3, 2011. :)
del
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del and willowtreewren meet

« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2016, 07:03:21 PM »

Del, Walt might have left his body, but I truly believe he is with you in spirit.  I know when my mom, and other loved ones passes away they have always made their presence known.  They appear in my dreams and thru various various ways.  My mother in law had a sense of humor.  One day I wast eating lunch at a health food store that I had frequented for years.  This one time was especially odd since the food was extremely salty.  So was my daughters food.  This happened right after she passed away.  Then I rembered all the times I used grab the salt shaker from her hands and hide it because she poured too much of it on her plate and she had heart condition.   I hope this doesn't sound to woo woo.
You are wise to surround yourself with family and friends.  I wish you have all the comfort you need to help you thru your new journey.





« Last Edit: March 07, 2016, 08:36:55 PM by kitkatz » Logged

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del
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del and willowtreewren meet

« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2016, 07:07:36 PM »

Walt had a slightly warped sense of humor.  I find myself saying things and making a joke like he would have.  He dearly loved to make people laugh and always said that it was a good day if he made one person laugh and forget their troubles for a few minutes.  That made his day!!  Most days he made more than one person laugh.  We had many, many laughs together.  He loved to play practical jokes on people.  He will be in my heart forever!!
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Don't take your organs to heaven.  Heaven knows we need them here.
kitkatz
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2016, 08:38:23 PM »

Welcome back!  I am so glad you will continue to grace us with your wealth of knowledge and kindness.
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Ivanova: "Old Egyptian blessing: May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk." Babylon 5

Remember your present situation is not your final destination.

Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.

"If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna lose it. Lose it... It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal, wacko!" Jack O'Neill - SG-1
cassandra
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When all else fails run in circles, shout loudly

« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2016, 01:51:59 AM »

Welcome back del, we missed you.

Lots of love and strength. cas
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I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left

1983 high proteinloss in urine, chemo, stroke,coma, dialysis
1984 double nephrectomy
1985 transplant from dad
1998 lost dads kidney, start PD
2003 peritineum burst, back to hemo
2012 start Nxstage home hemo
       still on waitinglist, still ok I think
Vt Big Rig
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« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2016, 04:09:58 AM »

Welcome back del.

I am glad to will continue to interact with the group. Lots of changes in your life but I think it is good you will be among friends and family.

Stay strong!!
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VT Big Rig
Diagnosed - October 2012
Started with NxStage - April 2015
6 Fistula grams in 5 months,  New upper fistula Oct 2015, But now old one working fine, until August 2016 and it stopped, tried an angio, still no good
Started on new fistula .
God Bless my wife and care partner for her help
del
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del and willowtreewren meet

« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2016, 05:05:45 AM »

Welcome back!  I am so glad you will continue to grace us with your wealth of knowledge and kindness.

LOL.  I am here.  Not sure about the wealth of knowledge.  :beer1;
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Charlie B53
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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2016, 06:26:33 AM »


Many were worried and Prayed you would find strength and guidance to help you in this time.

So glad to hear that you are managing well and with the support of family and friends are making good decisions to ensure a busy future.

We are very pleased to see you back at IHD and look forward to your continued posting.

Take Care,

Charlie B53
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kristina
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« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2016, 02:31:19 AM »

Hello del,
Thinking of you and I send you my best wishes from Kristina. :grouphug;
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Bach was no pioneer; his style was not influenced by any past or contemporary century.
  He was completion and fulfillment in itself, like a meteor which follows its own path.
                                        -   Robert Schumann  -

                                          ...  Oportet Vivere ...
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« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2016, 09:10:53 PM »

del, glad to see you here! I cannot imagine how hard it must be right now but I can relate to not wanting to go back to the house. Perhaps it represents something you can no longer have (Walt). Ever since my mother passed I have had trouble visiting my stepfather over at the apartment they shared. In fact, I do not want to be over there any more at all and feel horribly guilty about it but that's the truth. I cannot sit amongst all her paintings, handmade crafts and personal effects, it overwhelms me. Whatever you are feeling please know that everyone is here for you just as you've been for us. Time, time, time!! Seems to take so much time to deal with grief and it never really goes completely away. Only eases up a little. Through time! But sounds like you've got a good plan, hope you stick with it and not let yourself stray. Feel yourself doing that, come here and let us know. Take care!   
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Husband has ESRD with Type I Diabetes -Insulin Dependent.
I was his carepartner for home hemodialysis using Nxstage December 2013-July 2016.
He went back to doing in-center July 2016.
del
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del and willowtreewren meet

« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2016, 03:45:54 AM »

I don't think grief ever goes away, we just learn to cope with it as best we can.  I have my "stuff" in my apartment but not moved in yet because the TV and Internet won't be hooked up until the 24th of March.  My plan is too get involved in things and to be busy.  I will be joining a couple of sewing and craft groups and getting into some exercise programs.  I enjoy meeting new people.  My passport application is almost ready to go and I am planning to go to the IHD yearly get together!!  I also plan to visit Willowtreewren in the next year or so!!!  I will miss Walt and all we did together but I do have to move on and make the best of life.  It was what he wanted me to do. 
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Don't take your organs to heaven.  Heaven knows we need them here.
kristina
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« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2016, 03:49:34 AM »

I don't think grief ever goes away, we just learn to cope with it as best we can.  I have my "stuff" in my apartment but not moved in yet because the TV and Internet won't be hooked up until the 24th of March.  My plan is too get involved in things and to be busy.  I will be joining a couple of sewing and craft groups and getting into some exercise programs.  I enjoy meeting new people.  My passport application is almost ready to go and I am planning to go to the IHD yearly get together!!  I also plan to visit Willowtreewren in the next year or so!!!  I will miss Walt and all we did together but I do have to move on and make the best of life.  It was what he wanted me to do.
Thank you del for this encouraging update and I send you my best wishes and good luck
and please let us know how things develop.
Kind regards and all the best from Kristina. :grouphug;
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Bach was no pioneer; his style was not influenced by any past or contemporary century.
  He was completion and fulfillment in itself, like a meteor which follows its own path.
                                        -   Robert Schumann  -

                                          ...  Oportet Vivere ...
del
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del and willowtreewren meet

« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2016, 05:01:49 AM »

I just thought I would share a poem that was read at Walt's celebration of life service.  It was read by a friend as if Walt was saying it to me.  I try to think about the words and remember him with smiles.  He had a wonderful sense of humor.  The words were almost like they were chosen for us.

 Remember Me ........
.Remember me with smiles not tears, for all the joy through all the years,
Recall the closeness that was ours,
A love as sweet as fragrant flowers,

Don't dwell on thoughts that cause you pain,
We'll see each other once again,
I am at peace.....try to believe,
It was my time, I had to leave.

But, what a view I have from here,
I see your face, I feel you near,
I follow you throughout the day,
You're not alone, along the way.

And when God calls you....you will be,
Right by my side....right here with me,
Till then, I'll wait by heavens door,
     We'll be united...evermore.
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willowtreewren
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« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2016, 08:21:17 AM »

Carl and I are so looking forward to your visit. And maybe we can make it to the IHD gathering, too!

 :grouphug; :cuddle;

Ride your grief like a wave, and let it bring you loving memories.

Sending so much love.

 :flower;

Aleta
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Wife to Carl, who has PKD.
Mother to Meagan, who has PKD.
Partner for NxStage HD August 2008 - February 2011.
Carl transplanted with cadaveric kidney, February 3, 2011. :)
Jean
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« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2016, 10:14:14 PM »

So good to have you back Del. IMHO, you are doing everything just as you should. At first it feels kind of strange to come home and nothing has moved or been touched. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. Also, I talked to Larry a lot. Even tho he was gone and could not answer. I am happy that you have such a great attitude and outlook. Best wishes for your future.
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One day at a time, thats all I can do.
del
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« Reply #17 on: March 18, 2016, 02:31:33 AM »

Jean, I talk to Walt a lot too and it sort of comforts me.
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« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2016, 10:45:50 AM »

So good to have you back Del. IMHO, you are doing everything just as you should. At first it feels kind of strange to come home and nothing has moved or been touched. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. Also, I talked to Larry a lot. Even tho he was gone and could not answer. I am happy that you have such a great attitude and outlook. Best wishes for your future.

 :cuddle; to both you and del, Jean.
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"Empathy is the soul of democracy."  Jeremy Rifkin
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