Nagging

[elizabetht]

Hi, I read how many caregivers are dealing with nagging their loved ones to do as they should. I am very lucky, my friend does everything she is supposed to do. It has been my experience that nagging frustrates you and irritates the loved one. Sometimes just bearing the consequences of not doing what you are supposed to do is enough to encourage someone.  One of the hardest things in life you will ever do is to allow someone to fail. I am not saying let your loved one get into critical condition but do allow them control over there own destiny.

[George Jung]

I agree with elizabetht.  Very well put.

[goofynina]

Hi, I read how many caregivers are dealing with nagging their loved ones to do as they should. I am very lucky, my friend does everything she is supposed to do. It has been my experience that nagging frustrates you and irritates the loved one. Sometimes just bearing the consequences of not doing what you are supposed to do is enough to encourage someone.  One of the hardest things in life you will ever do is to allow someone to fail. I am not saying let your loved one get into critical condition but do allow them control over there own destiny.

Oh man, i never looked at it that way,  This is an awesome way of looking at things, even out of the dialysis world,  Good post elizabetht    Thank you so much for opening my eyes to so many other things too, yep, that is just what this post did  

[Sara]

I mostly agree with you, however, if I can help prevent Joe from losing a foot or something to diabetes then I am going to try. 

I look at nagging as a life skill.   

[kitkatz]

Huuby's doctors and dieticians want us to schedule an appointment with a personal dietician to discuss things like diet.  Bloody hell. I am sick of this crap! I see a damned dietician every month who does not help at all.  So once again in to the breach my friends!  He wants help with his diet. I try but he does not listen to me.  Nag, nag, nag.

[ILOVEFLUID]

My mother nags me so much that I find it drains all my energy.  As soon as I wake up she calls me and tells me everything I should be doing today.  A repeat of what she told me the night before.  I am 35 years old and would love for her to realize that i can do things on my own.  By 10 am she is at my house pointing out what needs to be cleaned, washed...etc.  She then gets mad at my fiance if he is still sleeping.  We aways end up arguing and then by noon, i am so physically and emotionally drained that i cannot do much for the rest of the day.  So my housework and errands build up and she has more to nag about.  She comes to every dialysis shift and feels it is a great time to nag me for the whole shift.  It is very frustrating as i cannot leave and I cannot get made at her and cause a scene.  I am in  bit of a depressive state lately so i started to see a therapist so i could have someone to vent to but My mother now refuses to pay for it because she says the therapist has done nothing for me as my house is not clean yet.  As if you can measure psychological well being by how clean your house is.  Just for the recors, my house is not a pigsty, my mother is just a clean freak and I would have to clean 24/7 to meet her standards.  I feel i never have an quality time with her as we always end up fighting.  I know she does it because she cares about me and worries but how can i let her know without hurting her feelings that she is making me and my fiance miserable.  I try to talk to my father about it but he tells me i should just do what my mother says.  Just because i am sick, does not mean i can't be treated like an adult.  AHHH!!!
Any Advice??

[nextnoel]

IMHO, whoever points out what needs to be cleaned can go ahead and clean it!  If your mother won't pay for the therapist because your house isn't clean, perhaps she would be willing to spend the money on someone to come in and clean the house instead!

I know how you feel - my mother is 88, and she still dusts every day and vacuums twice a week and cleans the kitchen and bathroom floor once a week - even though she's legally blind and I pay someone to come in and do it for her.  She lives alone, and never gets the place dirty, so WTH?    My place, on the other hand, looks as if a Salvation Army store exploded.  Once when I was young, we were drinking iced coffee and watching TV.  I sat my glass down (on a coaster, needless to say), and glanced at the newspaper.  After reading an article, I reached for my glass, and it wasn't there - she had taken it to the kitchen, emptied it, washed and dried it, and put it back in the cupboard!   Last time I visited her, she came along behind me and re-made the bed I had just made.  I'm 61.  I've made my bed for 56 years now, and I think I've about got the hang of it . . . .)  We talk daily on the phone, and I visit when I can, but she doesn't come to my house because she lives 3 hours drive away - at least, that's the lie we share.  For her, cleanliness and neatness are not just next to Godliness, it's a pathology.

Sometimes people who are naggy/bossy are in reality scared and can't express that, so it comes out in other forms of expression.  Sometimes they are just malcontents.  Sometimes they can't deal with their own perceived faults and shortcomings, so they concentrate on what they see as the shortcomings of others.  That's why God gave us friends, to make up for our families!

I don't know what the answer is, but I hope you can find some way of dealing with her that gives you peace!

[George Jung]

Unfortunately, I know how you feel about a nagging mother as well.  I haven't spoken with mine in over two months now and she lives 30 minutes away.  I couldn't take it anymore and I was left with one option.....cut her off.  I asked her to please just let me be and when I need help I will say for it but that was just too much for me to ask and she would not comply.  I went to my grandparents (her parents) at that point and begged and pleaded for help (I was literally loosing my mind).  She and her dad are very close and she takes everything he says to heart.  Well, my grandfather "told" her (he did not ask because he could tell how serious I was) to "leave me alone", after my cry for help to them.  What does my mother do?  She left me alone alright.  In fact she cut off the entire world.  She disconnected her telephone and ended her e-mail account so she could not be contacted.  To make a long story short, I haven't talked to her and she has drawn plenty of attention off of me and brought the focus onto herself (as you can imagine the whole family is now very concerned for her).  The good side of the story is that I am doing quite well, respectively speaking, and the down side is that, there went another source of assistance that I could have used from time to time.  She was paying my bills (writing checks for me and sending them, my$$) and small thing such as that were helpful and suddenly then stopped without telling me causing me to have to deal with people calling and asking for their money.  What a friggin mess..........   I wish you the best of luck.....you will need it.

[okarol]

I have a mom that is the opposite, she was more than happy to see her kids go off on their own at 17 years old and never interferred (or helped either, for that matter) ever since. I wish it had been different. I know there must be a balance somewhere.
I did have the chance to see how other family members were treated on my husband's side of the family though. The grandmother (who was very generous helping pay her daughter bill's) was also very controlling (in exchange for her help, I think.)  It was always an ongoing struggle, the grandmother trying to get her daughter to do things "her way" while the daughter was constantly feeling manipulated and pressured. They did this tango for many years and it was sad to see the daughter angry and resentful, yearning for independence while also needing financial help. She died at 60 years old, never free of her mom (who was a fabulous person in many ways - but could never give without strings attached.) I don't have an answer, but I guess it's like a game, where you have to play by the rules to get what you want - or be independent and not have expectations of others who may expect something in return.
I don't do well with nagging so as a result I try not to torture my kids. Jenna is 21 and I am sure she hates when I remind her to take her meds or drink lots of water. Hopefully I can slowly learn to back off and let her make her own mistakes, and pray that she will do okay without me! I am sure she will!

[Adam_W]

Sometimes I also have to deal with my mother nagging me. We've gotten into several arguments when I've come home from dialysis in a depressed mood, and sometimes it feels like she just wants me to "bottle up" my depression and pretend I'm happy, when in reality, I feel the strong need to cry, yell and curse at someone, or both. Sometimes it also appears she tries to pretend that I don't even have kidney disease, and she doesn't want me to talk about dialysis all the time. As irritating as it can be, I understand why she is that way sometimes. My mother has taken my CKD very hard, especially since my grandmother (Phurball) also has CKD. Also, I know that being a caregiver to a dialysis patient can be a very hard, stressful job. So when I get into these arguments with my mother, or anyone else, I try to remember that their job dealing with me isn't exactly fun either. Take care.

Adam

[George Jung]

It is all about.........

balance

......and finding some common middle ground.

[goofynina]

Sometimes I also have to deal with my mother nagging me. We've gotten into several arguments when I've come home from dialysis in a depressed mood, and sometimes it feels like she just wants me to "bottle up" my depression and pretend I'm happy, when in reality, I feel the strong need to cry, yell and curse at someone, or both. Sometimes it also appears she tries to pretend that I don't even have kidney disease, and she doesn't want me to talk about dialysis all the time. As irritating as it can be, I understand why she is that way sometimes. My mother has taken my CKD very hard, especially since my grandmother (Phurball) also has CKD. Also, I know that being a caregiver to a dialysis patient can be a very hard, stressful job. So when I get into these arguments with my mother, or anyone else, I try to remember that their job dealing with me isn't exactly fun either. Take care.

Adam

You know Adam, i found that i do this to myself.  Even though my body is hurting and i am feeling depressed, i put on a happy face and try to be happy for everyone, i can only do this for so long then i have a mental breakdown, when i just am so tired and i just want to stop what i am doing and cry.(and it's ok to cry)  I am glad though that my mother is the exact opposite of many of yours, she insists that i rest, stay in bed, she cleans my house, washes my clothes, sometimes i get upset cuz she is doing it but most times i am just grateful, VERY GRATEFUL.   Recently Mom fell in a store and cracked her knee cap so she cant do the things she used to so now i go to her house and try to return the favor.  I love my momma, no matter if she nags or not, she's the only momma i got and the only one i will ever have and i cry at the thought of not having her in my life anymore.   

[jbeany]

My mother nags me so much that I find it drains all my energy. As soon as I wake up she calls me and tells me everything I should be doing today. A repeat of what she told me the night before. I am 35 years old and would love for her to realize that i can do things on my own. By 10 am she is at my house pointing out what needs to be cleaned, washed...etc. She then gets mad at my fiance if he is still sleeping. We aways end up arguing and then by noon, i am so physically and emotionally drained that i cannot do much for the rest of the day. So my housework and errands build up and she has more to nag about. She comes to every dialysis shift and feels it is a great time to nag me for the whole shift. It is very frustrating as i cannot leave and I cannot get made at her and cause a scene. I am in bit of a depressive state lately so i started to see a therapist so i could have someone to vent to but My mother now refuses to pay for it because she says the therapist has done nothing for me as my house is not clean yet. As if you can measure psychological well being by how clean your house is. Just for the recors, my house is not a pigsty, my mother is just a clean freak and I would have to clean 24/7 to meet her standards. I feel i never have an quality time with her as we always end up fighting. I know she does it because she cares about me and worries but how can i let her know without hurting her feelings that she is making me and my fiance miserable. I try to talk to my father about it but he tells me i should just do what my mother says. Just because i am sick, does not mean i can't be treated like an adult. AHHH!!!
Any Advice??

Change the locks?  It worked for me when I was living in the apartment attached to the family business.  My mom used to come in the apartment before I was even out of bed and start giving me a list of things I needed to do that day.  Not the alarm clock I wanted to hear - she never did have a snooze button.  I put a new dead bolt on the door and didn't give her a key.  Ticked her off, but she got the hint.

Okay, seriously, can you shift your meetings with your mom so she is not coming to your house?  If your housekeeping is such an issue, can you just meet somewhere else?  I only have so much energy these days, and honestly, when I do feel good, scrubbing toilets is pretty low on my priority list.  My house isn't filthy by any means, but keeping it spotless is just not something I worry about.   If she is dropping by without calling first, ask her to start.  Or simply not be there some morning when you know she's going to barge on in.  Or be there with your fiancee, doing something unmentionable when she lets herself in. . . 

Have you tried not picking up the phone in the morning until you are ready to talk to her?  Do you have caller id?  Or an answering machine?  She's at every shift at your center?  My center doesn't allow visitors except for the first and last few minutes, to help hold sites.  If visitors show up in the middle of the shift, they are only allowed to stay a few minutes.  Can you get your social worker to help with enforcing the rules so she's not there every day?  Would the nurses and social worker be willing to be the heavy and get her out of there if you asked for help with that?

You can't change her, so you have to figure out how to work around her to keep your sanity!

[kitkatz]

My momma just does not get it.  She thinks because I act normal I am not sick.  And she expects me to be normal.  Sometimes I just can't do it anymore.  I don't talk to her about it. We talk about work mostly. We drive my sister nuts, but it is our common ground.

[carolyn77531]

i have been trying to write in this thread every time i see it....i justwish my mom was alive..i will be happy to put with her nagging

[vandie]

Funny, Carolyn.  I was thinking the same thing.   I understand how parents can drive us nuts.
But I sure wish my mom and dad were alive to nag me on occasion. 

 

[Sluff]

You have to set boundaries.

[ILOVEFLUID]

I have this conversation with my fiance often as his mother passed away a few years ago.  Of course, i would rather put up with her nagging than not have her around at all.  However, we hardly have a relationship anymore as everytime we see each other, it turns into a fight.  To make her happy I would have to agree with everything she says, do everything she says and clean my house 24/7.  I am seeing a therapist so that i can find a way to deal with this.  i have hardly enjoyed a minute with her in the last 8 years.  I do not want to lose her without first having built a healthy and mutually enjoyable relationship.  I feel we should be able to come to some common ground so we can both get back to being mother and daughter again, like we were before i got sick.  Although i see her each and every day, I miss her as if i haven't seen her in 8 years. The last thing i want anyone to think is that I do not appreciate her and love her.  She is my best friend.  And i know i am lucky to haveher in my life.  But our relationship is so dysfunctional right now that i feel neither of us is benefiting from it.
ILOVEFLUID

[ILOVEFLUID]

Sluff, I have tried to set boundaries.  I ask her to call before she comes over and she tells me she owns my house (i pay the mortgage) so she can come over whenever she wants.  She comes into my house and cleans when i am not here.  Then i get into trouble with my Dad, because she has to clean for me.  She buys me things when she wants and then adds it to her list of what I owe her.  So if I try to  buy something i want with my own money, she gets mad at me because I owe her so much.  She takes my bills from my house and pays them, and then tells me I don't appreciate all she does for me.  I can't even go away for a few days with my fiance without her complaining about not asking her first.  I moved away from my hometown 3 years ago to get some independence and freedom and 6 months later she came to visit me and show me the new house her and Dad just bought (3 blocks away from me)  If my fiance and I want to have some intimate time together, we have to put the deadbolt on so she doesn't walk in on us.  If i try to sit her down and set boundaries in a mature conversation, she starts crying about how her mom died when she was nine.  The guilt I feel on a daily basis is overwhelming.  Surely, I can lead my own life without having to think first of how everything will affect her.  I constantly put her feelings before my own or my fiances, yet am told all the time that I don't care about her.  I am slowly but surely going crazy over this and don't know what to do. 

[Sluff]

That's pretty heavy so except for changing the locks I am speechless.

[glitter]

Wow- painful as it will be you have to make her understand....you have to change the locks, get her OUT of the dialysis unit and get a strong backbone. My mom used to come over un-announced or when I wasn't home,she even put furniture in my house and re-painted my bedroom without my permission-about 12 years ago I said enough! Get out of my house until you can respect my boundaries,ans she got really mad,called me a butthole, and left,i stuck to my guns-and she and i have a much better relationship now. But it took awhile......and I ignored her tears because I needed to do this for ME- and you need to do it for YOU!  I would also forbid her to clean your house-that is a total invasion of privacy.....if she throws 'my mom died when I was nine' in your face-ask her- Do you want me to not want to be around you period? because if you do not back off- I will sell my house,move and you will not find me.  'course thats just my opinion-lol  I am a beleiver in tough love-and today me and my mom have a really good relationship-it was hard for her to back off- she started out by asking me if she wanted to do something,and i wouldn't fight when I say no.

[jbeany]

The whole "Be grateful you have a living mom" thing is totally off point.  I miss my mom, of course.  But that doesn't mean she was any easier to deal with when she was alive!

[carolyn77531]

you are right...........i don't know what its like on the other end...I'm a mother of a daughter who is sick...she probably will think the same thing when she gets older...
right now, i just miss my mom..she was my best friend..i would love for her to be here so i can have my best friend by my side...
we had our fights also....about my life.....i didn't talk to her either...but, when i look back i feel like i wasted so much time

[George Jung]

i have been trying to write in this thread every time i see it....i justwish my mom was alive..i will be happy to put with her nagging

OMG....This thread is so sad.  I am sorry, but give me a break.  Because your parent/parents are not alive you can't believe how ungrateful I am?  I can only speak for myself but talking about a botched relationship that I have with my mother in no way whatsoever makes me ungrateful for her being.  I happen to love my mother, especially since she gets most of the credit for raising me without a father's assistance (he passed when I was 3 and my grandparents helped).  Maybe part of the process to mending a damaged relationship is to talk about it to other people who have similar experiences and sharing thoughts and feelings.  I happen to believe that this thread is a constructive one and not to be looked down on.  I think you would find it difficult to find someone here who would rather have their mother in the grave.

[George Jung]

ILOVEFLUID  -  Wow!  How long can you go on like that?  Drastic situations call for drastic measures.  IMO you must do something.  Remember, however difficult it may be you deserve to have you feelings (and privacy) respected.  If you are not up for anything drastic try to just make some small changes until you reach a point that is manageable.

I happen to have made the decision to take drastic measures and have not talked to my mother in some time.  Am I happy about not talking to my mom?  No, not really.  Has the quality of my life been better?  Yes.  Will I ever talk to my mother again?  No doubt I will with the same love I have always had for her.  It is my hope that she is using this time to help herself come to terms with things.  I will surely give my mother as many chances as necessary (just as she will for me), only without me paying the cost of her decisions every day of MY life.  Having my space for the last couple of months has done me a tremendous amount of good.