Hubby not coping well with my disability

[graciekycats]

I just need to vent.  My husband of almost 32 years is driving me crazy.  I have been doing in-center dialysis for 2 months and drive myself.  I do not work.  I try to do things around the house but often do not have enough energy to do everything.  My dear hubby has temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, what he wants when he wants it.  When I made a list of the things I accomplished today and pointed out I was not sitting on my a......  He wanted me to go out and pick up grass clippings after mowing and I just couldn't go any further.  Well, he says maybe you should go to assisted living.  I did not say anything.  Then when I got back from dialysis today he hands me a list of local assisted living facilities.  He has said many times over the past 2 years maybe I should just leave.  He doesn't seem to care about my illness and what it has done to me and continues to do.  He knows about this disease and has done a lot of research.  He can't handle it.  I am not leaving my home, what we have worked hard for.  Had to get this off my chest.  I am stubborn.  I pray all the time.  It's hard.

[Deanne]

This makes me so sad and angry! Is this his nature? Has he always had this "it's all about me" attitude? He's being abusive. What do you want? Do you want him in your home anymore?

[Michael Murphy]

Who does the moron think will mow the lawn and do the house work if you move out.  Plus after 32 years why does he assume he gets to keep the house.  This bozo needs a reality check.  Dialysis is hard enough by itself  when dealing with a hostile home life it becomes more difficult talk with the social worker at your clinic and see if they will try to talk some sense into your husband.   No one should have to put up with this crap.  while extreme I would talk to a lawyer because this persons  is abusive.

[Jean]

Now that is the pits!!! Not a lot you can do about it tho, but, no matter what,I would not leave the house. Take the time you need to rest and whatever energy is left over you can do chores. But, put YOU first and foremost.

[kristina]

Hello graciekycats,
It makes me very sad to read about your struggles...
...and to be honest, it is quite remarkable how you are able to drive yourself to dialysis and back home again ...
... I could not do that at the moment, because I am still very exhausted after each dialysis-session...
.. It is very sad how your husband acts right now, because at the moment you need lots of understanding and also some practical help ...
... Could you get some support from a family member or someone at the dialysis-centre (i.e. social worker etc) ?
I am sending you lots of hugs and my best wishes
from Kristina.

[Linnie]

Hello graciecats

You poor thing..... My heart goes out to you!  Your husband is being selfish and doesn't understand or want to understand what has happened to you.  He probably is finding it hard too coming to terms with the changes that have happened to you but it's not your fault.  Do you have a support group or renal psych who you can talk to?  I went to a renal psych and it really helped with understanding the 'emotions' you go through with a renal diagnosis and you don't need any more grief on top of what you already have.  I will not call your hubby any names although a few came to mind but I will pray that god intervenes in your situation and gives you your hope back and some sort of restoration, whatever is best for you and your relationship.  Be strong as you are not alone!

Lots of love Linnie xx

[talker]

I just need to vent.  My husband of almost 32 years is driving me crazy.  I have been doing in-center dialysis for 2 months and drive myself.  I do not work.  I try to do things around the house but often do not have enough energy to do everything.  My dear hubby has temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, what he wants when he wants it.  When I made a list of the things I accomplished today and pointed out I was not sitting on my a......  He wanted me to go out and pick up grass clippings after mowing and I just couldn't go any further.  Well, he says maybe you should go to assisted living.  I did not say anything.  Then when I got back from dialysis today he hands me a list of local assisted living facilities.  He has said many times over the past 2 years maybe I should just leave.  He doesn't seem to care about my illness and what it has done to me and continues to do.  He knows about this disease and has done a lot of research.  He can't handle it.  I am not leaving my home, what we have worked hard for.  Had to get this off my chest.  I am stubborn.  I pray all the time.  It's hard.

Has been good advice offered here for what you are experiencing, and what to do, to get outside help.
No one needs to endure the type of abuse you describe.
It appears that locked inside that adult husband, is a terrified child screaming for some loving parental comfort.
The tones of your words are saying that you still have some 'love' for this mean guy.

Sending healing energies to you both.

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[MooseMom]

I'm appalled.

He is weak and afraid.

I don't think you will be able to change him.

Therefore, you can control only what you feel and what you do.

If you want to stay in your home, you stay in your home.

I think that as a general rule, you are just going to have to learn to ignore him.  I suspect that you will have to compartmentalize.  Take his presence, put it into a box and store it away at the back of the top shelf in your mind.

If he cannot help you, do not let him hurt you.

It probably won't be easy to do these things, but it is a matter of your survival.  He is being a bully.  Do not let him bully you.

I am very sorry you are stuck with a weak man.  He is just one more burden you are being forced to carry.  Try to make that burden as light as possible.   

[Simon Dog]

maybe you should go to assisted living

Tell him you already live in assisted living and he is the assistant.

[Michael Murphy]

 

[graciekycats]

Thank you all very much!  Yes he can be a pain in my a....  But yes I do love him.  He is retired military with a lot of his own health problems.  Left Kidney was removed because of cancer 17 years ago.  He had back surgery for spinal stenois misdiagnosed circulatory problem which makes it painful to bend over after 14 years, heart problems, orange exposure, recurring bladder cancer.  Yes he is scared that he will lose his caregiver.  I usually try to ignore him when he is being a jerk but it gets to me after awhile.  He thinks all psychiatrist, physiologist, therapists are quacks. Doesn't think much of doctors either.  I put up with it for many reasons.  He is only verbally abusive.  In 32 years he has never been physically abusive.  He is also very OCD guess that's why he needs to be in control of something because his body isn't.  I like Simondogs response that I am already in assisted living!  But I have a strong will to survive no matter what.  Divorce is out of the question.  I will speak to my social worker.  It's hard to talk to someone younger than me.  I've been married longer than she has been on this earth. HA HA.  Some times you just gotta vent.  No family nearby.  Just him and I.  Couple friends I talk to now and then but I hate to burden them with my problems.  Thank you all for being there for me!  I really appreciate it!

[talker]

Thank you all very much!  Yes he can be a pain in my a....  But yes I do love him.  He is retired military with a lot of his own health problems.  Left Kidney was removed because of cancer 17 years ago.  He had back surgery for spinal stenois misdiagnosed circulatory problem which makes it painful to bend over after 14 years, heart problems, orange exposure, recurring bladder cancer.  Yes he is scared that he will lose his caregiver.  I usually try to ignore him when he is being a jerk but it gets to me after awhile.  He thinks all psychiatrist, physiologist, therapists are quacks. Doesn't think much of doctors either.  I put up with it for many reasons.  He is only verbally abusive.  In 32 years he has never been physically abusive.  He is also very OCD guess that's why he needs to be in control of something because his body isn't.  I like Simondogs response that I am already in assisted living!  But I have a strong will to survive no matter what.  Divorce is out of the question.  I will speak to my social worker.  It's hard to talk to someone younger than me.  I've been married longer than she has been on this earth. HA HA.  Some times you just gotta vent.  No family nearby.  Just him and I. 

Couple friends I talk to now and then but I hate to burden them with my problems.

  Thank you all for being there for me!  I really appreciate it!

                         
The full story now slowly starts unfolding.
And now you also have this IHD outlet.

[MooseMom]

Glad you vented.  I hope just talking to friends will help you.

[kristina]

Hello again graciekycats,
... I have been wondering whether there is a "motive"
which suddenly prevents your husband of almost 32 years to be able and deal with your need of dialysis-sessions
as he should as a caring/loving husband? Have you already found out what made him change so much all of a sudden?
... As Sherlock Holmes would put it : ... " something strange might be afoot..." ?
Best wishes from Kristina.

[PaulBC]

It's safe to say that I don't have enough information to offer much of anything useful.

But I wonder if his assisted living comment is entirely a matter of coming up with the meanest thing he can think of to say, because he's angry. He really might just be scared because he has depended on you for care and can't imagine things in reverse. That doesn't let him off the hook, but it would be useful for you to understand what looks like a shocking lack of concern for your well-being.

[Rerun]

I'm sorry you have to endure no support from the one who should love you the most.  I'm glad you pray; God hears you. 

Divorce is a 50/50 deal.  Sounds like he may go first anyway with all his health problems.  Maybe a little Windex in his soup would speed that up!

  

My now ex husband couldn't take my illness either.  He went and found another woman with 4 kids.  LOL  I hope he is happy!

[Simon Dog]

WTF?  He is talking about YOU moving to an assisted living facility and HE is concerned about losing HIS caregiver?

Reminds me of the TV documentary I saw where a nun was advocating for a kid being sentenced for killing his parents.  She was asking for leniency because he was an orphan!

[Jean]

Simon Dog                 

[Deanne]

"Only" verbally abusive is still abusive. My impression is that his abuse of you is long-term and you've gotten used to it and accept it as "normal." Just because your life isn't in immediate danger from him doesn't mean he isn't / hasn't harmed you. I saw that you're thinking about talking to a social worker. Have you considered getting a counselor as well? This is a great place to vent, but it's not the same as a face-to-face person you can talk to regularly. I'd suggest marriage counselling, but from what you said about his opinions of therapy, I'm sure he wouldn't go and he might only mock you for even thinking about it.

At the very least, come back here to vent when you need to. This is a safe place.

[caregivertech1]

If you want him out, you should go to home hemo with NxStage and have him train as the caregiver. Trust me, after the first red alarm he'll be gone. Hang in there!!!

[Michael Murphy]

Just a thought, how does your husband think assisted living is going to be paid for,  not charity,  nor Medicare, more then likely his house will need to be sold and half the value go to pay for your assisted room.  Where was he planning on living.

[PrimeTimer]

If you want him out, you should go to home hemo with NxStage and have him train as the caregiver. Trust me, after the first red alarm he'll be gone. Hang in there!!!

I was just about to say the same thing.

In all fairness tho, I think both caregiver and patient actually share a lot of the same emotions:

Caregiver: Depression, fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, physical and mental stress

Patient:   Depression, fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, physical and mental stress

I'd say it's about 50/50. 

[Simon Dog]

Just a thought, how does your husband think assisted living is going to be paid for,  not charity,  nor Medicare, more then likely his house will need to be sold and half the value go to pay for your assisted room.  Where was he planning on living.

Patients who run out of money move to Medicaid.   The healthy spouse is not required to sell the house, however, the state generally puts a lien on the house for the cost of treatment that is collected when the last surviving spouse dies.  Cash is another matter.  The assisted living resident is allowed to have $2000 in savings, and a $60/month allowance (what the person can keep from their SS or SS/disability check).    Cash is another thing - the surviving spouse is allowed to keep something no more than $119,200 (less in some states).     Accounts will generally be examined for a period for 5 years prior to the Medicaid application (the "lookback period") and any assets given away to children/relatives/etc will be counted as if you still have them for the purposes of determining eligibility.  If you are facing this situation, you need to consult with an elder affairs planning attorney (you can give some of the money to the attorney, or all of it to the nursing home).

[Michael Murphy]

That is for a nursing home I thought assisted living centers require upfront money to join.

[Simon Dog]

That is for a nursing home I thought assisted living centers require upfront money to join.

You are correct - I was thinking more of traditional nursing homes.

Assisted living places (which can range from apartments with laundry services and a cafeteria hall with meal plan to "dang close to nursing home") are CIA.  (Cash in Advance).   I've seen some that, regardless of the amount of assets of the senior, require a younger relative to co-sign with unlimited liability in order for the senior to be allowed admission.