Andy in the hospital

[willowtreewren]

DD, I so wish that there were something that we could do to actually HELP instead of sending our supportive thoughts. I have been out of internet contact except via cell phone and I was sooooo hoping to read a good update. I am sorry that it isn't so. 

Please know that I think of you every day and wish that there were a "happily ever after" ending to this story.

Aleta

[lmunchkin]

  and 

lmunchkin

[Jean]

Ah, DD, I was so hoping for some good news here. Your life has been shattered and you are probably depressed too. Would your Dr. give you some sort of anti-anxiety med so you could relax and maybe get some sleep too???

[Desert Dancer]

Hi, everyone. Sorry I've been so scarce around here lately with the updates; there's been a whole lot going on, more than I can put into words.

Andy was released from the hospital last Friday. As expected and predicted, he has changed nothing. Still sleeping his days away and when he's not, sitting around on his ass looking like someone just ran over his puppy and living on Cocoa Crispies. He is taking his medication and he is going to his outpatient appointments. There's been a tiny bit of progress in the last day... at least he is making plans for the future, even if they're still foolish and unrealistic given our financial circumstances. He does want - and realizes - he needs to work or (as he said a few days ago) "SOMEbody in this house has to get a job".

Need I tell you I had the urge to clock him upside the head with my cast-iron pan when he said that?

More importantly, though, is that I've had another 'light bulb' moment of my own, another 'hitting bottom'. I made a phone call last Tuesday that resulted in a woman showing up at my door with the AA Big Book and a few others last Thursday. When I cracked open the Big Book I began to shake violently and didn't stop until Sunday. I was so close. So very, very close to either drinking or doing something else utterly self-destructive and I didn't even see it. Needless to say, I'm back to attending a minimum of one meeting every day and usually two. I have realized - again - I had my focus in entirely the wrong place.

I cannot believe I allowed myself to get to this point again. I'm gobsmacked that I couldn't see it. So easy to see in others, so hard to see in oneself if you're not doing the things you're supposed to be doing (meetings and 12 Steps with a sponsor). I'm back to Al-Anon as well as AA.

Andy is still refusing to go to meetings himself, though he's got all the signs of being a dry drunk just like me. I have stopped asking him to go, because not only can I not fix his life, it is not my job to do so. I cannot drag him kicking and screaming back into the light, but I can be a light myself who can guide him back out if and when he decides he's ready. I don't know whether or not he will be all right. But I do know now that I'm going to be all right now that I've stopped white-knuckling my way through life and gotten plugged back into a network of support.

I am right where I need to be. Thank you so much to all of you for helping me get through this. I can't even begin to impress upon you all that you've helped to save my life, to keep me going until I was able to have my self-revelation and get back to where I belong. I am still exhausted, angry and depressed but I know if I just keep doing the next right thing I will regain my sanity AND my serenity, no matter what happens. Andy may come back to himself or he may not, but I have begun to rebuild my life FOR MYSELF. If it provides an example to Andy it will just be icing on the cake.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

.

[MooseMom]

Andy may come back to himself or he may not, but I have begun to rebuild my life FOR MYSELF. If it provides an example to Andy it will just be icing on the cake.

You know, this pretty much says it all.  I don't know a better way by which you can help Andy than providing an example of how to take on such an enormous challenge.  He is lucky to have you.  If he is unable to hear you and to listen to you, maybe he'll be able to WATCH you and to SEE you.

[boswife]

   your so right on and so loved here    YOur an amazing inspirational woman..

[galvo]

Onya, girl! Proud of ya!

[MaryJoe]

To take care of someone else you must first take care of yourself. How easy it is for us to lose sight of that, and how often we make this mistake! Please continue to take care of yourself.   

[monrein]

 

 

So many people holding your hand DD.  You are so very strong.

[Angiepkd]

So, so glad you are getting the support you need!  What a strong person you are.  Hopefully, Andy will see you doing the right things and decide to follow your example.  If not, you must continue to do what you know is right for you.  Keep up the good work.   

[willowtreewren]

I've been scarce here myself with limited wifi access, but I am so glad to hear that you have had this personal breakthrough. You are so right, we cannot be responsible for others. It is a monumental job to just be responsible for ourselves.

Sending you support and     

Aleta

[CebuShan]

So sorry to hear that Andy doesn't seem to want to change at this time BUT
so glad to hear that you are getting help for yourself!  Hang in there! Many good thoughts and prayers coming your way.
         

[cassandra]

     



     


Good girl. Stay strong,and lots of love, Cas

[brenda seal]

I hope there are better days ahead for you and soon

[Poppylicious]

Thinking of you DD and sending you *huggles* ...

[MooseMom]

DD, how are things going since you last posted?

[Desert Dancer]

DD, how are things going since you last posted?

Very poorly. He's basically being an utterly self-absorbed prick and blames me entirely for the situation we now find ourselves in. "If you hadn't committed me we wouldn't be broke now." Um, perhaps if you hadn't QUIT YOUR JOB and tried to kill yourself we wouldn't be broke now. Always everybody else's fault, never his own. I just want to tell him to come down off the f%cking cross, we need the wood.

He won't speak to me or make eye contact. What's worse, he got to the bank account before I did; I should have done it while he was still committed so that's my freakin' fault.  No, he didn't yank the money out, he just spent it all. I guess he thinks you can pay the electric bill with a band saw and maybe we can eat levels and center finders. His grand plan, apparently, is to put all our living expenses on credit cards. Yeah, brilliant. We did have enough to get by but it's all gone now. He won't be happy until all his (unfounded) paranoid fears are realized and he has us out on the street. I will NEVER allow myself to be financially sabotaged like this again. Never. I will never again allow myself to be put in the position of being trapped because I don't have the means to bug out if necessary. It's apparent NO one can be trusted and I never should have gotten into any kind of relationship with anyone. I can assure you that will never happen again, either. If I'm always going to be left to fend for myself alone I might as well BE alone.

Still throwing temper tantrums when the world doesn't drop everything immediately and attend to his wishes. Acting as though his arms are broken and he's incapable of doing a dish or any other thing; easy if you've got a built-in maid, I guess. Doing everything he can to drive me away, generally just being hateful and nasty. I'm spending as much time as I can out of the house - sometimes going to four meetings a day - because I am filled to the brim with rage and resentment and one of these times I'm just not going to be able to bite my tongue. I really think he doesn't want sixteen years' worth of anger unleashed on him - he's never seen me that way - and I don't want to mis-step now just in case my Andy is still in there, though that hope is fading by the hour.

In addition to insisting I "should have married a man who could take care of me" (um, not your decision, bro) the latest sally lobbed my way is "You're too intellectual for me and should find someone your equal." Yep, 2013 and he's pulling out the old 'smart girls won't catch husbands' BS. I am trying very hard to remember these things are spoken from a place of low (well, NO) self-esteem and am doing my best to have compassion for him because it's quite obvious he's a sick, sick man.  Easier to say than do.

I think what I find MOST distressing in this whole scenario is the anger, revulsion and contempt I feel for him right now. After sixteen years of honeymooning, suddenly I can't see anything but his faults. I never in my wildest imagination thought I could feel this way towards Andy. It has completely blindsided me and devastated me, maybe more so than his behavior toward me.

He seems to have obtained employment, though he was supposed to start last Thursday and it keeps getting pushed back while the company negotiates his rate. It'll be a relief to have him gone eight hours a day at least.

My resolve and willingness to commit to my own well-being waxes and wanes by the day. Funnily enough, it always seems to abandon me only on the days I miss meetings. I really resent having to do that, too. If my own damned husband can betray me and turn on me so viciously after sixteen years, why in the HELL should I trust you people? Unfortunately it's either AA or death, because if I drink again I'll end up in the morgue, no doubt about it. Right now the only thing keeping me going is the refusal to let him - or anyone - drag me back down to that place. It's not so much eagerness to live as it is determination not to be destroyed by anyone other than myself.

I am really sorry I don't have better things to report, but it's just the truth. That's all I've got.

[willowtreewren]

I, too, wish you had better things to report, but the truth is the only thing that will really help you see your way through this morass. I'm so sorry.

Take care of yourself and take whatever help and support you can from where ever you can. It isn't a sign of weakness, it is just one of those realities of life, that there are times we need some help!

Sending you thoughts of strength.

 

Aleta

[cariad]

Oh, hun, this is so very sad.

I guess he won't be happy until he destroys everything in his path.... and he won't be happy even then, and I reckon he knows it, too.

I can hear your grief and can only imagine how devastating it is to see your relationship pushed into a dark place that you'd never thought it would go. I don't feel I have any right to comment because I haven't lived through even a measurable fraction of the pain and betrayal you've endured, but I really want to plead with you to not let him change you. I want to tell you that no good can ever come from closing oneself off to love, and I want you to believe it. I want to drop everything and have a good long natter with you.

I do think that getting 8 hours away from him a day is an excellent start. Have you considered separating from him, assuming this is even possible financially?
I like the determination to get on with your life with him or without him, and it sounds to me like it's about time that he sees that he can indeed go too far and lose you forever.

[MooseMom]

I think what I find MOST distressing in this whole scenario is the anger, revulsion and contempt I feel for him right now. After sixteen years of honeymooning, suddenly I can't see anything but his faults. I never in my wildest imagination thought I could feel this way towards Andy. It has completely blindsided me and devastated me, maybe more so than his behavior toward me.

This is probably one of the most tragic things I've ever read on IHD.  Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't even approach inadequate, but I have no other words.  I really am so very sorry, but I am still rooting for you both.

[tdbr217217]

DD, I just read everyone of your posts on this subject and I have to say I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  Three years ago, I attempted suicide but obviously I didn't succeed.  It took a lot of counseling and a month stay at a treatment facility 600 miles away from home to get my shit together.  The reason I'm telling you this is that Andy is in extreme danger of attempting to harm himself again.  If he is not willing to try to get help then you need to get away from him before he drags you down to his level. Yes, it is a mental disease, and can be treated, but one has to realize they need a lot of help to get through this disease.  If he is refusing to help himself,he is going to just bring you down so far that you will feel less self esteem in yourself. You have to take care of yourself and remove yourself from the drain that he is pulling you down. I don't know you or Andy and I hope I haven't offended you in anyway!  I just hate to see anyone being pulled down that "drain".

[MaryD]

 

[Angiepkd]

Thinking of and praying for you both.  So sorry you don't have better news to report.  I was excited to see how things were going when I saw you had given an update, but am now feeling awful for you both.  There are no words I can think of to help ease your pain or remedy your situation.  Hoping things improve for you.  Stay strong and keep going to those meetings if they help.  Again, so very sorry!   

[okarol]

  So very sorry DD.