Andy in the hospital

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

.

[Desert Dancer]

He called and told me I better "make other arrangements" because he won't be home for a long time. Just what "arrangements" he's talking about could be anything. Housing? Dialysis? Money?

He's convinced all the doctors are lying to him. About what, I have no idea.

What if he gets vindictive and clues in my center to what's going on? I wouldn't put it past him in the state of mind he's in. I can't go in-center. There's no way in hell my back could stand it. I can't sit for five minutes on a Pilates ball, let alone 4-5 hours in a dialysis chair. All the progress I made in PT is wiped out because of this.

I know that's in the future, I know, I know. But you know what? I'm pretty freakin' desperate to get out of the space I'm being dragged into at the present. Things have started to take hold in my mind while my back was turned.

[Angiepkd]

Please take care of yourself, DD!  He will get better.  The meds will be adjusted until they work.  He will lash out in the process, but will come around.  From what you have said about your own past, you know where he is coming from.  Try to take a step back and focus on you.  He is being cared for by many trained professionals.  You are the only person taking care of you. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes, but I can say that I think i would have done exactly what you did for him.  You fought until you protected him and got him help, knowing that he would be angry.  That is what we do when we love someone unconditionally.  Do not lose yourself or your health to his battle with illness.  You are a good person and a strong person.  He needs your strength right now, and you cannot be strong if you are physically drained and unwell.  Be kind to yourself and try to take the time you need for your own health.  Wishing you both the best!

[willowtreewren]

He called and told me I better "make other arrangements" because he won't be home for a long time. Just what "arrangements" he's talking about could be anything. Housing? Dialysis? Money?

He's convinced all the doctors are lying to him. About what, I have no idea.

What if he gets vindictive and clues in my center to what's going on? I wouldn't put it past him in the state of mind he's in. I can't go in-center. There's no way in hell my back could stand it. I can't sit for five minutes on a Pilates ball, let alone 4-5 hours in a dialysis chair. All the progress I made in PT is wiped out because of this.

I know that's in the future, I know, I know. But you know what? I'm pretty freakin' desperate to get out of the space I'm being dragged into at the present. Things have started to take hold in my mind while my back was turned.

Dear DD. Try not to cross those bridges until you get to them. Right now he hasn't told your center that you are dialyzing without a partner. And if he does, there are many kind souls who would be willing to come in with you during your treatment. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Remember, people really do love to help. 

Andy's road to recovery may be long and it may be rocky, but it IS the road to recovery.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

 

Aleta

[CebuShan]

DD - Please take care of yourself!

Ask a neighbor to come sit with you. You will be doing all the work, they just need to be there "just in case".

You both are in my thoughts and prayers.   

[cariad]

DD, I've been reading your posts and following all of this and trying to find the words to show my support.

I have a few brief things that I want to be sure I say to you, wish I had more time and wasn't having issues thinking straight this past week. You know how I love my bullet points, so here we go...

1. Damn, girl, you know that man well. If ever the expression "can read him like a book" were appropriate, it's now. Seems to me the real Andy is still in there, but he's being battered by a chemical assault  that can take quite a while to sort through. Reminds me of the struggle to get transplant meds straight, only amplified.

2. Please try to stop being the answer to every problem Andy has. You are putting so much pressure on yourself to address every possibility and come up with a contingency plan for every occasion. You are burning your energy every which way when I think it might be best to concentrate your energy on solving whatever problem happens to be right in front of you.

3. I have no idea how I would manage if this were Gwyn, so I say this knowing full well I might not be able to do it, but it would seem you need to stop taking everything (or anything) Andy says to heart. His pendulum is going to swing, your best bet is to be his anchor and refuse to take that ride with him. I would just love bomb him every time he called - "I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you, you need to get well so we can be together again" and ignore the hostility. (Let me reiterate how uncertain I am that I could actually *do* this with Gwyn.) Hope this isn't offensive, but when my 3-year-old was throwing monster tantrums on a daily or more frequent basis, I would just answer everything he said with "I love you, I love you so much." or, if he would say "Leave me alone!" I would say "I'll never leave you." I don't know, sometimes it worked to confuse him which would calm him down, but he was only a toddler. It also gave me a challenge to concentrate on - can I continue to say these things to this boy no matter how irritated I am with him right now? It helped me to tell myself that every time he did not succeed in getting me to answer his anger with my anger, I had won.

4. I hope that you and Andy can continue to reach out and expand your social circles, it seems to be the one positive to come out of this, and I'm all about finding the humor and upside to these circumstances and I think you are, too. Quality social interaction is the answer to so much of what drags us down in life.

I'm sure there was more I wanted to mention, but it's been too long since I told you that I've been thinking about you and am as impressed as ever with how you are carrying yourself.

[gothiclovemonkey]

i hope everything is alright. 

[MaryD]

How's things?  I trust no news is good news.     

[Jean]

DD just ( just, hahaha) please stay calm. You can only live one day at a time, so do that. You will make it thru this.

[Desert Dancer]

I'm doing all right. Managing to keep to my dialysis schedule and get food into my body at least once a day. Sleep is another matter. Have been going back to AA meetings simply for the support network; it's better than sitting in the house all night slowly losing my own mind and gives me a wider - and local - circle of people on whom I can depend for help if I need it.

Andy's hearing was yesterday morning. It was difficult to testify right to Andy's face the things I wrote in the petition, knowing he still doesn't remember any of it and they might use my testimony to keep him. While there was a (very) slim chance they could have released him the judge declined to do so and ordered him into further inpatient treatment. Could be just till the end of this week but who really knows? That'll depend on his attitude and cooperation, I suppose, and they can keep him up to six months though I really doubt it will go that far. He has indicated to me an openness and willingness to follow up outpatient with counseling, drugs and 12-step groups. I think they're operating under an abundance of caution and I'm glad of it; I believe in my heart he still needs to be there for a little while, even if it's contributing to his mood. They should be increasing his medication again today so they'll certainly want to observe him for at least a few days.

He's still very obviously depressed and anxious - which is understandable - but he IS himself. Unless he's snowing me too but I very much doubt that because I see him behind his eyes and they are not dull and downcast anymore. There's also been no more talk of 'the next time' or of divorce.

(Update: Andy called me last night and apparently they have added Lithium to the mix as of yesterday evening, after he blew up at the doctor yesterday afternoon. According to him it worked like a miracle and he feels like he's turned 180 degrees in thought and mood  - just with the first dose!)

So that's where things stand at the moment. He's none too happy about having to stay and I really can't blame him. He's eager to get home and start counseling since he's receiving none there and Andy doesn't do limbo well at all. He's incredibly patient with people but not with time; I'm just the opposite.

God, do I miss him. I knew I'd be lonely without him but I think I underestimated the depth of the loneliness.

At least I know I CAN do dialysis alone if I have to... been doing it all month.  I mean, I've always done it alone but at least Andy was physically in the house then. I didn't realize how different it would feel in practice; however, the more practice I'm getting the more comfortable I am doing it alone. I guess people can acclimate to just about anything.

[MooseMom]

Thanks so much for the update.  In limbo is a tough place to be. 

[CebuShan]

DD: There is really nothing that I can say. I just wanted to let you know you both are in my thoughts and prayers.     
You are so strong, just take it minute by minute if day by day is too much right now. We're all pulling for you and Andy.

[willowtreewren]

So glad to hear the update. Yes, limbo is uncomfortable, but it is important to keep the goal in mind. And there will come a time, sooner than you may think, that the waiting is over and Andy is TRULY back to himself.

Many hugs to get you through those lonely times. 

Aleta

[Darthvadar]

Thanks DD for taking the time and trouble to update us... Fingers crossed Andy will continue to make steady progress, and you'll soon have the real man back...

Well done on your physical, and emotional strength... Take care of yourself....

Love....

Darth....

[boswife]

Thanks so much for updating us.  We dont wanna bug, but we all are concerned for you both..    glad your taking care of yourself so when he's better, you'll be ready to carry on

[cassandra]

            

[amanda100wilson]

I hope that he continues to improve.

[RichardMEL]

DD - *hugs* thinking of you during this tough time.. and Andy too of course. None of this is his fault really and I remember you two in Vegas and I find it hard to think how things have changed... depression is so terrible.

 

[okarol]

 One day at a time.

[Desert Dancer]

He/I/we are not very well, really. I met with Andy and his entire treatment team yesterday (including his outpatient case manager).  They have doubled his lithium and are keeping him another week.

He's still not himself. Now, a lot of that is the drugs and a LOT of it is being imprisoned there. That being said, he's under the impression that he can just let the drugs do all the work. He doesn't intend to change anything or work at anything. He'll have to go to outpatient once a month per the court order (not nearly enough) and has no intention of going to AA meetings or doing anything else to bridge the gap between discharge and the time his benefits kick in for the counseling (about two months). I think the only reason he'll follow up with outpatient at all is that if he doesn't they will drag him back into one of those places and make him inpatient again. Every suggestion I've tried to make has been met with vacant head nodding or - when no one's around - eye rolling.

They have concerns about his non-participation (he goes to some meetings/events but not nearly half the ones they have every day). I've tried to explain to THEM that he and I are far more private than the average person. When everyone was gone I asked him why he wasn't at least going to AA meetings in-house. "I don't want to". Really? "I don't want to"? Really??!! When I was in rehab I deliberately did the polar opposite of what I wanted to do; I figured my thinking and behavior got me into that mess, it wasn't going to get me back out.

Andy never, ever, EVER takes the hard road. When things get rough, he runs away. His sister Josie may have been a raging psychopath but she hit that one right on the head. Why can I never find someone with a strong mind and a strong will? He's just stubborn and that's not the same thing. I'm sick to death of him sabotaging us financially every couple of years because he can't just DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE or control his need for instant gratification. Why is that so frickin' hard?

I can also tell from his attitude he's still blaming ME for him being there and not himself. He's also back to no eye contact. Oh, and for a little icing on the cake: the doctor told him today he's afraid Andy will abuse me if he goes off his meds. I've never, NEVER expressed that concern to anyone, because it's NOT a concern of mine. Andy thinks it's what I wrote in the petition for commitment but the only thing I put there was I felt a VERY REMOTE possibility of harm to myself simply due to him trying to convince me to go out with him. I DID NOT check the 'danger to others' box, only the 'danger to self' box. So now he's pissed at me for that, too.

I don't think I'm ever going to get him back again. We had this perfect little life together and now he's gone and deliberately blown it up. I don't know what more he thinks he wants. HE doesn't even know what he wants.

Dialysis is fine, except I can't sleep on dialysis nights. Well, I don't sleep at all, really, but on non-dialysis nights at least I can take stuff to knock me out. I can't chance sleeping that deeply while I'm alone; I'm too afraid I'll sleep through an alarm or something. (And it would be just my luck - having had no alarms for months? years? on end - to have just that scenario happen.) My back is in screaming agony because these last five weeks have wiped out all the progress I'd made in PT; I cancelled my remaining sessions because something had to give and I'm only breaking even, if that. If I could just get out of pain it would help me to deal so much better, I think, but nothing seems to work.

[boswife]

  Have no words of wisdom, just wishes and prayers that all this will make a turn around and miracles happen.  I know your so tired, and drained and that puts so much more of a hardship on the whole situation, and makes it so much harder to see your way out.  I do hope for rest, and sleep to help heal and give you the strength you need keep facing all this head on.  Prayers dd, and puttin you in the center of   

[Angiepkd]

So sorry things aren't going well.  Please try to take care of yourself!  Praying for you and Andy!  I don't know what else to say to help.  Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.  Hope you get some sleep and relief from your pain.  Thanks for posting an update.  Hang in there!

[cassandra]

Dear DD I so wish I could give you wisdom and wise words. But I'm sending love, and strength vibes over for you and Andy.

Lots of love and strength , Cas

[monrein]

I keep wanting to rewrite all updates to reflect the outcomes we all want for you and you need for yourself too.  I send you my warmest hugs and best wishes .  Wish there were more that would help.

[Poppylicious]

DD, sending you so many *huggles* right now, plus oodles of love. I wish I could offer you more.