I am done

[woodsman]

As of monday and 6 more needles i am stopping dialysis, i called them today and told them so. I am tired of it it is no way to live, even on weekends i just seem to be the  way of everyone trying to have fun so they all stay away from me, so i sit there watching and feeling so out of place, same at dialysis i walk in and nurses seem to run and hide because few of them have the courage to do thiere job so they hide hoping someone else will do it. I love my family but it has to stop.

Thanks to you all hereand i wish you all the very best.



PS how long can i go without dialysis before i pass??? any ideas, i would like to see my grandson often...

[okarol]

Hey woodsman, I am surprised to read this. I haven't been online as much as usual but last I recall you were doing better a couple of months ago. You built that cool chicken coop and I was so envious. I am not going to try to talk you out of anything, but I really would love to see you stick around. 

[cattlekid]

I hope you would take a moment to reconsider.  Are there any specific problems or issues that are troubling you with your treatments? If you would let us know what they are, we can all brainstorm how to help you overcome them.  You doctor and your facility staff should be moving heaven and earth to help you overcome any barriers or obstacles to keep you on treatment so that you can stick around to see your grandson grow up.

As for the other people who are bothering you, have you ever sat down with them and explained what you can and cannot do? I have found that some people think that us dialyzors are so fragile that we can't do anything but that is not the case.  If they just can't deal, then you will have to cut them loose but don't check out just because some people are jerks.

[jeannea]

I'm sure whatever you are experiencing is very frustrating. Are you able to elaborate on them hiding and not wanting to do their job? What do they have against you? Can you lodge a complaint and get better treatment?

I think how long people live after quitting varies widely. Could be a few weeks to a few months. I hope you will decide to just have a few more treatments while you think things over. I'm sure your grandson would love to have you around longer.

Whatever you decide I wish you peace.

[MooseMom]

...i just seem to be the  way of everyone trying to have fun so they all stay away from me, so i sit there watching and feeling so out of place, same at dialysis i walk in and nurses seem to run and hide ...

I'm sorry, but this just isn't good enough.  I refuse to lose you to reasoning based on something as flimsy as what "seems" to be.

I'm not sure it is fair for you to judge what other people are thinking.  How do you know for sure that others are avoiding you because having you around just isn't "fun" enough?  Who are you to judge the bravery or cowardice of your medical team?  Do you know these people personally?  Why would they hide from any of their patients?  Are you particularly difficult to deal with, much more so than any other patient?  What makes you so scary?

As for your family, well, in my very humble opinion, I think you should find someplace quiet and make an accurate and honest assessment of what you can and cannot physically do.  Cattlekid is right...people can make the understandable mistake that all people on dialysis are fragile.  It is up to you to convey to your family what you can and cannot do.  It's only fair that you not leave them the burden of figuring it out all by themselves.  It is an act of real love to sit down with your family and tell them honestly what they can or cannot reasonable expect from you.  I know they love you and want only what is best for you, but without guidance from you, they're just guessing and are probably erring on the side of extreme caution.

You are special to me.  I have been following your story since you first joined IHD, and I absolutely refuse to let you leave without you first honestly and accurately dealing with the people in your life and with their expectations. 

If you hate living with dialysis and just cannot take it anymore, and if dialysis is not giving you some semblance of a happy life, then I will support you in whatever decision you make.  But I cannot stand you deciding to end your life based on what you think other people "seem" to be thinking or feeling.

[mamagemini]

Some questions:

Can you honestly say your family hates having you around? Do they hate you that much? Would they party after your death?
The center people are just doing their jobs. If you hate them then choose another place, period.
There is always a choice. Never surrender, never give up.
This is not the choice. Call a therapist, get some antidepressants and stop wondering what everyone else is thinking.
Sorry for the tough love but you can do this, stay alive!!!!

[SugarBear]

I don't know how long you have been on dialysis woodsman, but there is a learning curve to this disease that we all go through.  During my first two years I felt the same way you did.  That I was a nuisance to my family, friends didn't want to be around me, and everyone was making sacrifices because of me. 

Some of this was true, I did need the help of my family and though I hate it, I also learn to appreciate them for it. Some friends did distance themselves from me, but that happens in life naturally so don't take it personally.  As for sacrifices, yes there will be sacrifices that have to be made, some people will make more than others.  I had to constantly reaffirm my needs to myself and my family. They had to learn it was OK to do activities without me and I had to learn what my limitations were.

There is a new term going around which is Dialysis Survivors.  Personally I do not like this term coin for patients on D because a survivor has survive something which means they are over it.  To me a more fitting term is Dialysis Warriors, because that is the mentally one needs to do well with this illness. 

So I say to you, woodsman be a Dialysis Warrior and join all of us in this journey!

[kitkatz]

I hope all is well as you make your very tough life decisions.

[lmunchkin]

Woodsman, I hope you stay longer for your Grandson. But I also understand your not wanting to continue doing this.  If you do, please consider Hospice and above all, Be at Peace with your decision!

I hope you stay longer though.  Death is final. Will be praying for you, Woodsman.  That God give you strength in all that you do from this point forward.  Also, I don't know if you Believe in Jesus or not, but I pray that you do. 

God Bless,
lmunchkin

[okarol]

I sent you a note woodsman, hope to hear from you. 

[johnswife]

My husband and I are going through the same thing. He stopped 11 days ago and he's not in any pain but very weak, throwing up a lot and sleeping almost all the time.  I feel for you and wish you love and peace in whatever you decide.

[Bajanne]

I am so sorry that it has come to this, Woodsman.  I do hope you will reconsider, at least for your grandson's sake.  I am hanging in there because I have two grandsons I want to see grow up, and because my daughter has a pathological fear of my death!
Whatever you do, I trust that you will be at peace.  Love and hugs 

[Cordelia]

Woodsman, I'll always remember you fondly as my Secret Santa this past Christmas.             

Peace be with you         

[rfranzi]

Woodsman, I can relate to how you feel. I just started dialysis about 2 months ago and I have felt this way a thousand times. After I lost my job and got progressively sicker at pretty much the same time, I felt as abaondoned as one could be. I felt like my life had lost its purpose. By the time I started dialysis, I was almost completely alone. I had gotten a glimpse of feeling better, but its more like a roller coaster, and I have wondered if it was all worth it. I'm 52 and I have one son who is 26. I love him very much and it is clear he loves me, but he also has a very busy life of his own and I didn't want to bring him down with this never ending disease. I also felt it was unfair to him that, aside from a psychologist, he was my only source of support. Seems like with kidney disease, if you are alone, it is like you don't deserve to live, with all the requirments for support for transplants and in home dialysis. Which I think is bullshit. If a family member is lucky enough to have a job and wants to help, the requirements for the amount of time they need to spend exceeds what most employers will tolerate. All because the insurance won't pay for home health care. Anyways, I am getting off topic.

All I can say is, in response to the f*ck this, I want to quit feelings that are quite persistent, I realize that it is a very permanent decision and I wouldn't get to see how things might have turned around had I stayed to fight a little longer. That glimpse of feeling better that I had gave me hope. It sounds like you may be losing hope for feeling better or for circumstances to improve. But hope, if you only have a mustard seed, is enough to get you through to the next day, with its endless possibilities and surprises. I know I am going to have ups and downs and I am trying to adjust my expectations downward a bit so I am not so emotionally distraught after small setbacks.

I think about something else I read from a member here, who felt the same way. Then, he said he educated himself, took some control, and made some changes in order to feel better. I have made little deals with myself - at first I said I would sleep on it, but the feelings came back. Then I said, ok, I'll stick it out until the chest catheter comes out. Or until some other such thing. Until it's been 3 months. Or until I've investigated more.....and so on.

I love my son too, and I live to spend time with him and to watch him grow into the fine young man he has become. If it wasn't for him and my cat, I am not sure I would still be here right now. I know it isn't easy, some days that is the understatement of the century. But even though I can't hug you or squeeze your hand in person, know that you are not alone, and that things do ebb and flow, things can change for the better. I have heard of other stories where it has happened for people. Of course, what you decide is your decision, but sometimes we all just need some encouragement and support. Hang in there, my friend.

Hanging by a thread also......

[Jean]

Just, please, think about this woodsman. I respect your wishes, but I truly wish you wouldn't do this.

[cariad]

Woodsman, could you let us know if you are still reading here?

I hate to see you go but I do respect that we each have our limits and know when we have reached them. If you think it's time, then I will wish for you to be surrounded by peace, love and light for the remainder of your time on earth. If you have any doubt whatsoever, then let's enlist IHD to come up with options for you to investigate. I don't blame you for wanting the endless needle sticks to stop immediately, but we can help you do that without choosing to end your life. I'll make the same request that others have made: please give it more thought and talk it over with your family.
 

[Big E]

Woodsman, it sounds to my untrained ears like you might be suffering from depression that can be treated medically.  I don't know if you've investigated that already; depression is so common in ESRD.  Honestly I can't believe you'd be ready to throw in the towel after having just completed that magnificent chicken coop.   

Seriously, the consensus here, and I agree, is that you give it more time.  Maybe you could try a different center?  And remember you have friends here who enjoy your cyber-company!
 

[boswife]

I keep writing and deleting.  I feel too selfish about what i say, then i try to be supportive. I cant leave either here to be read.   I will wrap my arms around you and wish and pray that what happens is what is suppose to happen and pray for peace. Much love, and wisdome to you on this.   

[MooseMom]

I feel too selfish about what i say...

Well, I'm selfish, and I'm not gonna apologize for it.

Woodsman, I don't want you to stop.  There.  I said it. 

Please give us a chance to help.  A chance.  That's all I ask. 

[boswife]

Thanks MM...  I too want to help and to have more time with our Woodsman..  Dont want more pain, but want strength to prevail and come through on the better side of it all... 

[MooseMom]

Thanks MM...  I too want to help and to have more time with our Woodsman..  Dont want more pain, but want strength to prevail and come through on the better side of it all...

I know.  You're just nicer in your approach.  Me, I just get mad when I see people suffer, and sometimes my tongue grows sharp as a result.

I am just not ready to let go of Woodsman just yet.  I know that's selfish.   

But I will support any decision that is not too hastily made.

[woodsman]

Well after a short stay in the hospital and some real family time, lots of yelling and scolding i am back in dialysis, i missed 3 sessions and became very ill. I had a bad week and after them sticking me so many times in one day i just lost it for a while. Well now I'm back and i am stronger than ever (i hope). Thanks to you all for the words of encouragement.. sometimes life is tough and i learned i have to be tougher. I am now training to stick myself and so far with good results. again thanks to you all it really helped........................... 

[del]

I'm so glad that you are back!!!    

[MaryD]

It is SOOO good to hear from you again   

[Whamo]

Woodsman,  I don't blame you.  One of the worst things in dialysis is getting poked over and over when they can't find a vein.  It seems the suffering never ends, it just backs off once in awhile, before return engagements.