my dear brother Rodel

[liza1227]

Hello, I'm Liza. I lost my dear brother Rodel to ESRD last June 14. He was only 43 and had only been on dialysis for about 15 months.

I've posted some in "Introduce Yourself"; I thought I should now move in this section.

[jbeany]

 

Hi Liza.   Losing him at 43 must have been a shock.  How are you doing now?

jbeany, Moderator

[liza1227]

Hi jbeany.

I cannot describe the pain. We did not get to say goodbye.
What makes it harder for me is that I feel that I let him down in his last days.

I was told I could come here to vent or find support.

[liza1227]

My brother had been sick for a long time with kidney disease before he started dialysis. His caregiver was his wife and I helped whenever I could. His house is just next door to where I live. He quit working at about the same time he became sick; my parents supported his family; he has two kids which my parents also sent to college. Our father died of cancer in 2008, this made our finances more difficult and made my brother even more depressed.

My mother and I helped support him after my father's death, with hospitalizations, medicines, dialysis. I was with him when he was hospitalized a number of times. He never got better even with dialysis, he wasted away slowly. It was difficult to see him suffer, to have to endure pain, exhaustion, hopelessness.

[Jean]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[liza1227]

Thank you Jean.

I'm sorry that my story is depressing and I know that everyone here is going through something difficult. 

I just feel that I must let these things off my chest for my healing.

[liza1227]

My brother and I were close, though we both do not talk that much, we simply understood each other. He was my favorite sibling, he cooked for me and looked after me in his silent way when was not yet very sick. His children were like my own.

He started dialysis in March 2011. He never complained but it was obvious he was going through hell. I also feel sorry for his wife, she was there for him all the time.

He had been very sick, but his passing seemed sudden.

[RichardMEL]

Liza, I just posted in your other thread as I did not see this one yet - but that's ok

You didn't let him down at all in my view. I understand you feel that way, but I'm not sure what more you could have done. It's beautiful you were so close and cared so much. Ironically I also live next door to my sister - I got a place in the block next to hers - not because of that because the location is right across the road from the hospital, and I knew I would need to do dialysis etc so would need to be close - and luckily I got a tx eventually and I still go for tests and all that.. the fact that my sister is so close has been awesome and whikle I feel like you guys were more close than I am with my sister, but yeah she comes over and watches footy with me or I go and look after her cat when she's away or whatever... so I can sort of relate to what you're saying.

i feel so badly for his wife and children - they must be suffering as much as you are.

I won't deny that your story is depressing, but honestly I also feel we need to read it - not least of which because it helps you to share it I think, but also the reminder to all of us (not that we need it really!) how fragile our lives with this disease are, and that anything can happen anytime.

It sounds like your whole family is so close and that's wonderful because you, and his family (wife, kids) could really use that. You didn't mention if you have your own support system (partner, kids etc) to help you through - but either way you have us. We may be strange words on a screen from people you'll likely never know in person, but that doesn't mean we aren't out here grieving with you and sending our supportive thoughts your way.

So keep posting, venting, sharing.. whatever helps you.  ok?

[liza1227]

Hi RichardMEL,

Thank you for your thoughts, for understanding.

I realize that what I'm doing is probably a sort journal, I write to myself, something I can look back on.

Again, I'm sorry, this a downer.

[iketchum]

I understand your loss. I lost my sister June 12th also. She had diabetes and esrd, but had gotten a kidney years ago. It is hard to watch them suffer through this and not being able to help. She was 52 years old.

[billybags]

liza1227, I am also sorry for your loss. Please feel free to come here any time, we understand what you must be going through.

[liza1227]

thank you iketchum, billybags, I appreciate it

[jbeany]

Don't apologize for needing a place to rant and cry.  This is the right place for that.  Grief takes a different toll on everyone, and we all recover at a different pace, too.

[willowtreewren]

no words that we can say will ease your pain, but you know that this is a safe place to share.

 

aleta

[MaryJoe]

liza - I am very sorry for your loss.  Please don't apologize for your feelings, they are perfectly natural for one in your situation, and we understand your need to share your pain. 

I think you will always have feelings of 'what if' and 'if only'.  You and Rodel were very close and had a loving relationship that nothing will ever be able to replace.  Cherish your memories and share them with us.  We are here to listen.

[Poppylicious]

Liza, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Sending many *huggles* for you and your mum, his wife and kids. 

[rsudock]

I am so so sorry... 

What did he pass from if you don't mind me asking?

xo,
R

[MooseMom]

I am so glad you've decided to post about your very sad loss; please give us the chance of support you.

One rule, though...we don't accept apologies for needing to post about what you are feeling, whether it is unboundless joy or the depths of grief.