Dilemma

[MooseMom]

My husband has an aunt who lives about two hours away from us.  Yesterday, she was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and has been given only months to live.

I have never met this lady.  She has been the only member of my husband's family who always included us in her annual family Christmas gathering.  We've never been able to go because every single year, this party was scheduled on the very day that my son came in from London for the holidays.  It was a canny coincidence.  But my husband was never keen to go; he is not close to any of his family for reasons that are painful to him.  But this particular aunt never missed one of his birthdays and always remembered us at Christmas.  She has never married, lives alone and is very religious.

For years I have been suggesting we go down and visit her, but life seemed to always intrude, and menfolk are usually too keen to go and spend a precious weekend day to go visit old aunts.

But now she has little time left, and now my husband is making noises to go and see her, and this makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  My discomfort really is irrelevant, but since I don't know this lady, how do I know she won't think to herself, "Oh right..so NOW you're bothering to come see me!" 

If my husband is sure that a visit from us would make her happy and won't annoy her (I hate to admit it, but I think I might be annoyed if it were me!  LOL!  But I'm not particularly gracious.), I'd be happy to go.  After all, it had been ME who had been wittering on about it. 

What would you all do in this sort of situation?  I've never had to deal with anything quite like this before.

[kitkatz]

Go and visit.  It will make her happy.

[MooseMom]

Go and visit.  It will make her happy.

But will it?  I've never met her, and my husband hasn't seen her in probably 15 years.  Do we just show up NOW because she's sick?  Would you appreciate a visit from some relative who couldn't be all that bothered to come and see you until you found out you had terminal cancer?

I'm overthinking this, I know.  

[MaryD]

I would feel the same, MooseMom.

How about giving her a ring and asking her if she would like a visit?  You could hear the tone of her reply and take it from there.

[Chris]

 Go, have a nice trip there by enjoying the sights on the way. If things do not go easy, at least you had a nice trip getting there (depending on rain).

[Traveller1947]

The woman you've described WILL be glad to see you.  Don't over think this MooseMom.  Go.

[monrein]

I would just do it.  You have no idea how she will feel and you don't need to.  She's thought about her nephew and acted on it for all these years by including him in her definition of family.  Even though life has gotten in the way I think she would appreciate the effort of a visit under the circumstances and it would be an opportunity to recognize her thoughtfulness towards even a distant relative.  It will either delight her or annoy her but you won't know unless you go and last chances don't come around again.  Better to reach out than to regret not having done so.

PS.  This advice is worth what you paid for it.
 

[Poppylicious]

Would you appreciate a visit from some relative who couldn't be all that bothered to come and see you until you found out you had terminal cancer?

Definitely.  Unless it was my dad ... 

The fact that she's always included you both in her plans despite not seeing your husband for so long is a good indication that she won't feel put-out by a visit. I do understand why you're over-thinking it though; I would do that too.

PS.  This advice is worth what you paid for it.

I like this; I shall have to borrow it for my signature on another forum I frequent ... 

[Desert Dancer]

MooseMom, you say she is an aunt. Would that put her in her seventies or above?

The reason I ask is you mentioned that she never, ever forgot a birthday or holiday and always included you in her gatherings? Did she send handwritten thank-you notes as well? Just a guess.

The point I'm trying to make is that it seems she's carried forward some of the older social graces and observed them faithfully. If that is the case then even if she did feel a bit ungracious about your visit you would never, never know it. She would never be so impolite as to make you feel uncomfortable. She may not be this kind of person at all; I have no idea. But think about what you do know about her and I bet you'll go.

Besides which, she has much bigger things to worry about right now than whether you visited her at regular enough intervals. She is dying. She may have things she wants to say to you and you will deprive her of that closure if it's true. Dying people have much different perspectives and priorities than you or I do.

[MaryJoe]

MooseMom - I'd go visit.  If she has corresponded with you regularly she may welcome the opportunity to meet you in person.  There may be things she wants to tell your husband, she obviously cares about him, or she wouldn't have tried so hard to keep in touch with him.  It's not like you will be expecting her to provide room and board for an extended stay if she's only 2 hours away.  A short visit will prevent your husband (and you) from having any "We should have gone" feelings later on.

[Hazmat35]

I think that if she is a truly religious woman, and a caring women, it seems since she hasn't missed a birthday or christmas, I think that a visit would be most welcome and understanding. 

[brenda seal]

Everything else has been said - It seems to be important to your husband , this is good enough reason to go .

[MooseMom]

Everything else has been said - It seems to be important to your husband , this is good enough reason to go .

I don't think it really is all that important to him, actually.  He hasn't mentioned it again.  Her situation seems to bother me waaaaay more than it bothers him.  I keep asking him if she has anyone close by to help her with domestic chores, etc, and he has no idea and really doesn't seem to care enough to find out, but that's the sort of thing women would think about, anyway.  He doesn't know what kind of support she has, but I guess that since he doesn't see it as his responsibility, it's not his problem, which is true, I guess.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts on the matter.  If my husband decides he wants to go visit, I will happily go.  But I'm not going to keep nagging my husband about it; it's not my place.

[renalwife]

Go and see her.  You may be able to help her in some way. 

You probably feel like you would be treated as  an impersonal in-law. BUT she has treated you and your family with thoughtfulness and love.

Get in the car and get yourself to see Aunty.

[MooseMom]

Go and see her.  You may be able to help her in some way. 

You probably feel like you would be treated as  an impersonal in-law. BUT she has treated you and your family with thoughtfulness and love.

Get in the car and get yourself to see Aunty.

I should at this point say that my husband and his parents are not on the best of terms; he avoids his mother like the plague and his father rather less so, so the family dynamics is pretty crappy without terminal illness being thrown into the mix.  I would be happy to help Aunty, but any and all of my offers of help in the past extended to any family member has been pretty much shot down, but then again, no one was dying at the time.  I've learned to keep my mouth shut and head down when it comes to any of my husband's family matters.

I don't really care how if I would be treated as an "impersonal in-law" as this isn't really about me.  I guess what bugs me is that I am horrified by this news about a lady that I've never met and want so much to be of help or comfort, but I don't feel it is my place to get all that involved.  I don't even know where she lives!  I hate just sitting around and waiting for other people to step up to the plate, you know?  But then again, for all I know, she may have a lot of church friends and neighbors who will take good care of her.  I just cannot bear the idea of her being alone and sick and needing practical help in, say, just making a meal.  But I'm sure I'm being overly dramatic about it. 

Deep down, I imagine myself being old and sick and alone...

[MaryJoe]

I'm right there with you on the old, sick and alone thing.  if a visit is not what is needed go buy some 'thinking of you cards' and send her one a week or so.  They would not be intrusive and everyone likes to get mail.

[cassandra]

MaryJoe's idea is a good one. You still have to find her address though. And I would go, cos you just might feel 'a not very nice person' if you don't. What do you have to loose?
Good luck with whatever you decide.

love Cas

[paris]

Go.  You aren't going for your husband or yourself.  You are going for her.  Thank her for all the years she sent your husband a card and for all the invitations.  She did her part through the years; now all you two have to do is drive over and see her.   

I had a brother leave when he was 18.  Mom never heard from him.  It took 35 years for us to follow thousands of leads to find him.  It didn't matter.  He never went to see Mom when she got sick nor come to her funeral.   All he had to do is visit one time and Mom would have been so thrilled.  But, he couldn't take time to see her.  He never hated her, just walked away and didn't look back.    Lesson learned -- visit someone even if it isn't what you want to do.   Spend 30 minutes with the aunt and know you did a good thing. 

[lmunchkin]

Monrien & Paris pretty much spoke my heart on this.  Go see her Moosey!

lmunchkin

[Grumpy-1]

Hey Girl - everyone has said "go visit"  I echo that too.    Go - tell your Hubby that you will support his decision to go or not, but remember she has been faithful in writing and invites to holidays, etc.  I'm sure she'd really be happy to see you after all the letters.  Grumpy

[MooseMom]

OK, next question...should I keep nagging my husband to get updates, make a decision about what to do next, etc?

I bought a card days ago have not sent it yet because I wanted to make sure the card was OK.  Aunty is very religious, and the cards she has sent us over the years always have had a notation that the nuns at such and such a place are including a prayer for us at such and such a service.  (She is Catholic, and I am afraid I do not know what novenas are).  So, my husband had mentioned going one of our local Catholic churches to inquire about sending a similar card.  In the meantime, I went and bought a "regular" card, but one that had religious overtones.  It's a very nice card, and it is still sitting on the bookcase, waiting to be sent.

My husband did not mention his aunt all weekend.  He is a kind and thoughtful person, but he gets sidetracked by his job and life in general, and the social niceties are usually not tended to.  That's usually my job.

So, I think I will just go ahead and sign it for both of us and send it because my gentle reminders are going unheeded.  Getting news about Aunty requires my husband to be in contact with his family, and that's the part that's problematic.

I would go and visit her myself, but she lives in the bowels of the southside of Chicago, and I am not familiar enough with the city to have the faintest idea of how to get there.  Even if I could find it, I don't think "the family" would be happy about it. 

I want to do the right thing, but at the same time, I don't want to nag my husband about it.  I will happily support his decision in this matter, but there seems to be no decision coming anytime soon.

Thanks for all of the advice.  I'll let you know what happens.

[bleija]

i echo the call her, maybe just to talk to her over the phone will give u an idea about whether to push it. or maybe for her to know that someone in her family cares and to let her know that shes not alone and such, and see what type of support sytem she has.

[Grumpy-1]

1) Send the card
2) give her a call - as mentioned, her voice and tone should tell you alot about visiting her
3) tell Hubby that you have sent a card and called her.  that should get his attention about making a decision on going or not.

[MooseMom]

I've sent the card.

I've decided that once a week, I will send her a little chatty card to let her know she's in my thoughts.  I'm not going to wait around for anyone else's permission to let a terminally ill lady know that I am thinking of her despite the fact that we've never met.

I don't feel comfortable in calling her at this time.  I will let some time pass to give me a chance to establish some sort of relationship with her through my weekly cards.  I have some beautiful notecards that I just bought from the arboretum, so I will send one of those each week.

I guess this has become a big deal to me because even though I don't have cancer, I do have an illness that is terminal if left untreated.  I know you all understand how frightening this kind of thing can be, and I cannot sit by and say nothing.  My husband's family have completely ignored the fact that I have this illness and while they probably know that I am awaiting a transplant, no one in the family has ever called me or sent me a card expressing any kind of sympathy or encouragement.  And while I know that Aunty has other family members around and doesn't need me to do or say anything, I can't stay completely silent.  And if the rest of the family doesn't like it, I don't much care. 

My apologies for wittering on about this, but I have not been able to get this lady out of my mind.  She'd always been healthy, and she is the youngest of the aunts and uncles.  I keep thinking about what she must have felt when she got this shock diagnosis.  The world must have stood still for her...

[lmunchkin]

Good for you MM.  After all, she has reached out by sending cards for holidays and B'days, I think she would appreciate the thought!  And to send one every week is very thoughtful!

God Bless,
lmunchkin