Don't Know How Much More We Can Take

[drgirlfriend]

Well, we survived the move to Houston, the bf started his new job, and my knee finally started healing. These things are good.    I still don't have a job and even though our cost of living is better, things are very tight. I try not to drive in order to save gas money and not wear out my old car. The apartment isn't completely furnished yet. Since my knee was messed up and I have been beyond stressed over the last year, I've gained a bunch of weight. I am in perimenopause. I am grumpy and depressed. We fight about money a lot. The bf's last 2 kt/v tests have been under 2 (1.96) after it being over 2 for the previous 5 tests so there is talk of more exchanges. The bf's second worst habit is excessive whining, which I'm sure I will get an earfull of when he gets home with these latest test results. (His worst habit is being generally prone to panic.) He was a whiner before he was diagnosed with esrd and it's still in full effect. He's an artist and everything infringes on his creative time. Doing dishes was the big bad wolf before dialysis. And yes, dialysis is worse and more time consuming. (Occasionally I remind him that he complained of having no time when we first met, but he doesn't care.) Since I'm not working outside the house, I have assumed a lot of housework. Some things I do because I'm better at it, some just because I have time. What's going to happen when I get a job? Who will do the housework? Will the whining reach the point where I leave? If I don't get a job soon, I will lose my mind and/or move in with my parents in California. I can't take any more bad news or setbacks. But I can't leave him without a caregiver. Can't things stay one way for a while? I used to be good with change. Since the bf got diagnosed February 2011, change has been more and more difficult to tolerate. We moved 3 times last calendar year and out of state this year. The bf is so sad and depressed and angry and I don't know what to do for him. I got him some free counseling when we were in NC but that was through a friend. I don't know anyone here. I am losing faith in everything. I know things could be worse. I know bf's health could be worse. But there is only so much I can take.

[bleija]

things get hard when ur out of work and theres health issues... trust me i know we were there, all i can say is communicate, and dont fight about money. does he qualify for disability since he's not working? something is better than nothing

[drgirlfriend]

He is working. A new job is the reason we moved to Houston. If he had to go on disability we could not survive.

[Poppylicious]

You've had a lot to deal with in the last year.  You're still coming to terms with a life-changing illness which has probably not only completely changed your outlook on life, but has made you realise that your hopes and dreams of the future will need to be tweaked and modified!  On top of that you've been stressed and in pain yourself, and most importantly, you've moved three times!  Isn't moving supposed to be one of the most stressful things we can go through?  It's no wonder you're feeling the way you are.

Hopefully bf will be able to stay in this job and you can become more settled.  You WILL find a job and you WILL make new friends and everything WILL fall into place; even housework responsibilities!  As he settles into the routine of his new job he may become less stressy and happier.

It got to the stage where I switched off when Blokey went into 'HaemoD/Labs-Panic Mode'.  That wasn't because I didn't care, but more to do with the fact that I knew I was his only sounding-board and he needed to get it out of his system.  All he needed was someone to rant with/at, and that person was me.  As someone who internalises all my worries and fears, I'm happy that Blokey could externalise his and use me to help him do it.  It doesn't mean I enjoyed it; another reason why I often switched off was that it made me scared and anxious and I can't always deal with those emotions well, despite being a naturally anxious person.

You say that you got bf some free counselling elsewhere ... have you considered having counselling yourself, if you don't already?  You being grumpy and depressed won't be helping him, especially if he's a whiner/panicker by nature.  It may be making him worse because he may be feeling guilty (or somesuch emotion) about the situation you're both in.

I really hope that things start looking brighter for you soon.

*huggles*

[drgirlfriend]

Thanks bleija & Poppylicious!

Oh Poppy, you really understand my mess! In my lowest moments I think about how I will never have the life I wanted and time is running out. I'm 46 and this is definitely not where I thought I would be! And yes, he feels guilty about me leaving California to be with him. I keep telling him I decided for myself and he didn't make me do anything, but you know how feelings are, especially guilt and regret.

"Switching off" is a great way of describing what I do sometimes. I don't know what he wants from me and I just go away. I feel so powerless and it hurts, but I am his one real outlet. Sometimes I want to smack him and tell him to man-up and make some decisions about his life. Other times I want to just hold him and cry.

Once I get some income I will be going straight to a chiropractor and a therapist, believe me! The bf has a hard time justifying such expenditures to himself. It was hard to get him to go before and I forsee an uphill battle to get him to go again. With his biggest complaint being lack of time, another appointment would really piss him off.

[dkay42]

Seriously thinking about getting out of my marriage, too. If you are a jerk before you get sick, you will probably be worse when you get sick. I am almost 60, and feel horrible about leaving a sick man, but I'm depressed, having a hard time even wanting to live. I can't take all of his anger and negativity, sorry, I'm just not that good. I wish he could have my kidney. I want him to take it and LEAVE ME ALONE!

[renalwife]

*We are only one:  But we are one.  We can't do everything, but we can do something.  What we can do, we should do.
What we cant' do. forget it!  There are times I get stressed out taking care of my 95 y.o. husband.  But I can do only so much, and I can't do more than that.  And it is the same with you gals.  You can't do everything.  And being a sounding board ALL the time just is not healthy.  There are times that being a 24 hour caregiver is harder than being the cared for.

We just have to get off our sorry butt and do something that we enjoy and gives us a little happiness in our lives.

We do our job being the best that we can be.  If that isn't good enough for some people, that is just too damn bad!

[chiawana]

Oh boy, I understand. I have had thoughts about how I don't need to do this, I'm healthy and I could still go do a lot of fun things with my life. I could walk away. My husband knows this, and he knows that I choose to stay here and do this with him, and for him. Yes, it's hard, and I know it's not going to get any better until he gets that call for the kidney transplant. Even then, we'll have a whole new set of restrictions he has to live by - but we will be free from the daily dialysis. Bottom line is, I love him and having him in my life is worth what we have to do to keep him going. This experience has brought out a whole new dimension of love between us. We were already close and happy; now it's intensified. I guess it just goes to show that something good can come out of something bad.

Almost forgot - is there a kidney/dialysis support group that you might get involved with? It might be a way to meet people who understand what you're going through and help you find ways to cope.

[Poppylicious]

I posted this on my thread too, but wasn't sure if you'd read it ... hope everything is settling down for you both.  Any luck on the job front yet?  Or the 'doing the dishes' front?

 

*huggles*

[drgirlfriend]

I will check into support groups. That's a good idea.

I'm holding on Poppy! Thanks for asking! Nothing on the job front yet, but I seem to have a bit more calm. Hope it lasts! I've been more productive lately - putting up pictures and getting things put away around the apartment. I've also been asking for more help from the bf. Asking for help has always been a weak point for me so it's hard, but some things have gotten better. Some of the self imposed pressure is off and that's good.

[Poppylicious]

Asking for help has always been a weak point for me so it's hard, but some things have gotten better.

I completely understand and relate to that ... instead of asking for help I start getting really ratty and stomp around a lot!  I'm glad you're making the place more homely.