caregivng and co-dependendancy

I have always suspected that a traumatic even like CKD/ESRD will bring out your true colors. I don't believe that ESRD will make you into someone you are not, but it WILL magnify what is already there.

I think that the problem is with your husband, not with the disease. Sure, the disease makes life change in difficult ways for both of you, but it is no excuse to just lie there and expect your spouse to cater to your every need. Now, I DO understand the fear, the anxiety, the illness, the damn pills, the red tape and all of the crap that goes into managing a chronic disease, but while these things may EXPLAIN your husband's inaction, it doesn't excuse it.

I really don't know what to tell you as I myself have the goal of involving my spouse as little as possible in this kidney stuff, so it is hard for me to truly understand why your husband has ejected himself from your "team."

I can't think of a single thing that you have not done for that man that you should have done. I'm frankly surprised that he is as independent as he is. I thought that you'd end up being his dialysis nurse, so I am relieved that he can do his runs pretty much by himself.

Has he considered doing nocturnal hemo so that he will have more time during the day, free of dialysis, so that the two of you can have some semblance of a life together? Do you even want that? Or have you perhaps been so soured by this experience that your feelings for him have changed?

In Australia, they train patients for home hemo, the don't train "caregivers". I don't know why there is a different mindset here. Taking responsibility for yourself doesn't magically end if you get sick. If you truly cannot look after yourself, that's a different kettle of fish. But your husband isn't in that kettle.

Do you think couples counselling might be worth thinking about? I mean, you two are in a crisis not unlike other crises, and maybe a professional counsellor has some practical suggestions for your husband.

No, you are not ever obligated to become a martyr to either your husband or to his kidney failure. There are many, many people out there who are on dialysis and live alone and get on perfectly well. My elderly mother was on inclinic hemo for 5 years, and while she didn't find it easy, she still managed to drive herself to treatments, organize household duties, cook for her husband, look after him and also find time to travel and visit family. I know she suffered from depression from time to time, and it was all physically harder for her since she was elderly and had heart problems, but she sure didn't sit around and expect anyone to devote his/her life to looking after her. Look at all of the folks here on IHD who look after themselves AND their families reasonably well despite dialysis! No, the problem isn't dialysis, it's your husband.

Really, can you think of one single thing that you have NOT done for that man?