Love after transplant.

[ImaginaryPixel]

I don't wanna sound like I'm negative or even depressed about love, it's just that I think it has become difficult, almost impossible to find someone who I can share some deep, meaningful relationship. I don't know about you, but sometimes I think I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and I don't want that. I've met people, and every time I'm the rejected one, everyone says I'm a great person, but for some reason, (mostly my scars and the physically consequences of dialysis) people get away from me, I'm gay, not that it matters, but I think men are more attracted to the "tall, handsome, model-like" type of guy, and I'm not like that.
I know I should be thankful and happy because I received a second chance, and I'm grateful for that. I'm 26 and half of my live I've been surrounded by dialysis machines, hospitals, doctors, quimos, needles... etc, etc, you get the picture. But now, I feel like I need someone in my life, someone who can make me happy and who I can make happy, but I've been rejected so many times, I'm starting to lose hope.
I don't know if this is the right thread for this, I just wanted to get this out of my chest....

[jeannea]

I feel for you. I was diagnosed in grad school, first transplant at 28 yrs old. I remember that feeling. Unfortunately i am still alone. But I am mostly at peace with it. But I can't say I really pursued love. Some people here have found wonderful partners. I think you have to just live your life the best you can. Find things you like to do and people you like to hang out with. And if you want to try on line dating just be honest. You may find someone who isn't bothered by a few scars.

[cariad]

I feel for you, Pixel. I have worn the scars from renal failure for most of my life. Try not to lose hope. I am married now to a fantastic man who had heard the same thing all through his 20s that you seem to be hearing now - you're a great guy, I just don't feel that way about you. And he has never had kidney issues.

I think that your age might be a large part of this. At 26 you are still at an age when many people, male and female, are more concerned with physical appearance than substance. I'm sure you look great and that you are probably way too critical of your own appearance (I know I always was at your age) but I would agree that in our mid-20s too many people put appearance above more important characteristics. If you keep hearing that you are a great person, then someone will eventually realise that this is what they are really searching for. Looks change, beauty fades, or at least morphs, with time. Your spirit is what will eventually find you the perfect partner. I know this doesn't help when you are feeling lonely right now, but there is someone out there for you. I hope you find each other soon.  

[Traveller1947]

Try not to lose hope, ImaginaryPixel.  jeannea and cariad have both given you such good advice.  All I can add are my good wishes that you'll find the right person soon.

[ImaginaryPixel]

Thanks for your kind words and advices, it's just that, sometimes I feel so lonely and nobody understands that, only you who have experienced kidney failure just like me. I'm not depressed, I can't allow myself to be like that, I think I just need support and advice with this, I hope I'll find someone someday... thanks

[Poppylicious]

I met (and married) my Blokey before he was diagnosed with kidney failure, but even if I had met him a few years later (like now) I would still have fallen for him, scars, warts and all. 

There is an amazing chap out there and he's looking for you too.  One day (tomorrow, next year, maybe not till you hit the big Three 0, but one day) you will find each other and he will love you, scars, warts and all.  I am a huge believer in fate, and we can't rush fate or make it give us something when it's not yet ready to.

As it happens, I don't have any health issues, but I didn't meet my Blokey till I was twenty-seven and a half.  At the time I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was simply looking for fun and flirtations.  I struck lucky.

*huggles*

[coravh]

I had lost hope too. I was using online dating sites, but more just looking for someone to date, nothing serious. I had been a T1 diabetic since 1966 and believe me, that scred a lot of guys away. Then my kidneys started to fail in 97 and I went on dialysis in 2001. My cousin gave me a kidney in 2002. I figured that between the diabetes and the transplant, a serious relationship was out of the question. And then I met Mike in 2006. We have now been married for almost 3 years and he loves me. He has stuck with me through lots of medical issues, but we have survived. Never lose hope. It may take a long time to find the right person, but that one will come along. I have a friend who just lost a breast to cancer and had also resigned herself to being alone. She went on her own to Cuba, met a man who lives in a city nearby, and he fell head over heels in love with her. It's wonderful to see.

One day you will meet someone special who deserves you. Until then, try not to feel down. You don't have to be part of a couple to have a wonderful life.

Cora

[olivia]

It is so hard to deal with kidney disease, or any disease to begin with and then try to live a normal life around healthy people, and try to have relationships through it all. Very difficult for us. I believe we become more mature, more mortal having to live with any disease, which makes it harder too.
I have a male cousin, my favorite cousin, who is gay and in a relationship and a female cousin also gay and not in a lasting relationship, but always  with someone. So it can happen for you too.
Relationships are work and take a lot of time and energy, especially in the beginning. As long as you put the time and energy into finding someone special you will. Sounds like you want love enough to find love.
Good luck to you.
I wish you love!

[Chris]

Well my plan may not work or all. I plan to win a big lotto and let them come to me. Frst one who sgns a prenup is a winner Only flaw with this plan is I need to play and win.
 
I use to worry about not having someone, but that is in the back of my mind now as something that will never happen. Tried online dating sittes putting the truth out there. Only thing  got were Russian mail order brides who where terrible liars and spellers on their profiles and emails. Lesson learned, do not pay nternet dating sites.
 
Atleast a pet is loyal f you can have one.
 
This feeling will pass if you do not dwell on it. Try and have some fun, go out wth friends, watch comedy movies/shows, or go outside and either exercise or take a nice drive down a road you never taken just to discover where it went or what's out there.

[Deanne]

I had a gay friend tell me once that amongst gay men, looks are even more important than they are to straight men. It's impossible to know if that's true or not since a gay man can't suddenly develop the perspectives of a straight man to know the difference. Anyway, I hear what you're saying. Keep trying and do your best not to be bitter about it. In the end, if you keep trying you'll find the right person. This guy will be incredible and you'll know without a doubt that he loves you for YOU. You'll love him to pieces because you'll be able to see the great qualities in him after enduring the search. If you can resist the urge to become bitter about the search (the bitterness would be understandable, but self-defeating), you'll draw people to you and increase your chances of long-term happiness.

In the meantime, get out and have some fun doing whatever you like to do. Explore new interests, take community ed classes in subject you never thought you'd like. Learn to be a gourmet chef (everyone needs to eat!), experiement with new hobbies. Join a book club if you like to read. Find a dog park if you have a dog. Go for long walks.

[ImaginaryPixel]

I really thank everyone for your wishes and your experiences... everything you said has made me see my life in a different perspective, hearing that sort of things from dialysis patients really to cheer me up!, it's not the same when advices come from healthy people. Let me give you an example, I have a very cute friend, and I used to have a crush on him, so I told him: "I think I like you", next thing he does is disappear 4 days and then made up a unbelievable story about how he's been dating someone for 2 months. BS I said!, then he says to me that I'll find someone but I have to stay positive and don't bitch about life, that everyone is unique and special, and that I was a very special guy. I got angered at him, so I ask him: "if you say I'm a special guy, tell me something, do you think I'm pretty, or cute?", he just stopped talking to me!

"Hey, try to live with kidney disease... have you been in an OR before?? don't think so, you're practically dying because you got the flu!, don't tell me to stop bitch about life!" that's the last thing I said to him like 15 days later after he stopped talking to me.

In the end I think he was just another stupid guy who didn't deserve my attention... now I just laugh about the whole situation...

[Deanne]

Is it possible that you're jumping to conclusions that this guy ditched you because of kidney failure? It could be that healthy kidneys or not, he just didn't feel like you were meant to be more than friends. Either way, I'm sorry you were hurt, but you were right about "he was just another stupid guy who didn't deserve my attention." You've got to kiss a lot of frogs, as the saying goes.

[jbeany]

Huh, not sure I should add to this.  Given that my husband divorced me because I was sick, I might be just, oh, a TEENY bit paranoid about starting a new relationship when I have ESRD, even with a transplant.  Add in my age (Anyone know if it's still statistically true that women over 40 are more likely to get killed by a terrorist than get married?), my ugly scars and the fact that I know my transplant will eventually fail and leave me back on the dialysis mess my ex-husband ran away from, and I don't consider myself a great candidate for a future relationship.  I won't say never, because I hate the taste of eating my words, but I do tend to plan for being alone long-term. 

The planning for being alone tends to consist of:
Spending time with my family and the friends I've known for years who love me, sick or not.
Getting involved in a lot of charity work where I can make a difference.
Pursuing my own interests and passions, no matter how odd my friends think they are. 
Reading a lot of varied magazines about technical, scientific, and historical subjects so I always have new and interesting things to think and talk about. 
Going to art galleries, museums, antique shows, local plays and any other event that is inexpensive and unusual.
Planning to be financially secure by taking continuing education classes, joining a professional networking group, and getting a job in a growing field.

All this keeps me too busy to dwell on being single.  Add in a cat, a couple of guppies, and my life is too full to worry about finding someone new.

The thing is, all of this is exactly the advice always given to anyone who wants to meet someone new.  So, I figure if it happens, it happens.  And if it doesn't, well, I'm gonna have a really spoiled cat.

[coravh]

Jbeany, I was exactly where you are in 2006. I was 43 years old and doing all the things you recommend. I had type 1 diabetes and a kidney transplant. And then I met my husband (married in 2009). In 2008 I had a pancreas transplant, came down with cmv, and spent 7 months in the hospital. My sweetie stuck with my through it all even though I only got out 3 months before the wedding. Great men are out there. You just have to keep looking and not discount them.

Cora

[Chris]

jbeany, me and you just need to ind someone to date who has beeen on dialysis and has had a transplant. Who knows, maybe when I get my guide dog my chance turn from nill to slim?

[natnnnat]

jbeany, me and you just need to ind someone to date who has beeen on dialysis and has had a transplant. Who knows, maybe when I get my guide dog my chance turn from nill to slim?

I should have thought a guide dog should be a bit of a 'chick-magnet', Chris. 

[cassandra]

O yeah the guide dog definitely is a good idea. But just to say that I found my most amazing husband through just living I suppose. It happens, or it doesn't. He stayed with me through 40+ ops. I am physically useless, so apparently that's not the problem. Pixel, Jbeany, Chris love will come, just because it will, I can feel it in my ..... blood.

love Cas

[Chris]

Cas, if you can give me the winning lotto numbers it will happen sooner. They will be coming out of the woodwork!

[cassandra]

Uhm, how many do you want? I have won £26, once, so .....

[RichardMEL]

I do like Chris' idea - the pet one, not the lotto one - well we all love the lotto one, but it's about as likely as me growing a new eye I was thinking about this very thing just last night as I lay on my bed watching some tv on my laptop and my wonderful feline friend came and snuggled against my side for company (and probably to soak up body heat !! ). In the context I was thinking of my brother who is going through tough times with life and he could use that kind of uncomplicated and pure love a pet can bring to your life - that unconditional love when there is a bond forged - and they don't care how you look or play mind games - as long as you feed 'em, keep them warm and spend time with them.

Of course a pet is a long term commitment so anyone even considering something like that needs to be aware of that and serious.. and of course recent tx patients need to also take into account specific issues with pet ownership and handling (and no birdies!).

As for the whole dating thing - to the OP - it's not just the men who can be shallow/superficial - I've met my share of similar "ladies." I try and say to myself the usual cliche - that "Well they're just not the sort of person you want or need in your life" - but that doesn't help the emptiness and hurt of rejection. I also agree that reasons for dumping or whatever may not be so superficial but due to other reasons.. and of course it amazes me the way some can treat others - with a lack of manners/courtesy I mean - even if they decide they're not interested. The whole "... they stopped talking to me" thing is a horrible way to treat someone. Yes, it's not comfortable to say those words, but I'll tell you I'd much rather someone actually said to me, even if it was the oft-used "I don't think this will work out, we're too different" or the classic lie "It's not you, it's me" - etc... I'd rather hear that, than nothing which is a way more hurtful method of showing a lack of interest. Indeed I'd rather the honest truth - say "I met someone else" or "You're too much of a geek" or "I just don't find you attractive to me" kind of thing than nothing - which really says the person doesn't have the balls to be up front and honest.. and yet the amusing thing is they probably rationalise to themselves that they don't want to "hurt you" by being "cruel" - yet saying nothing is even worse because a) there's no closure, b) the lack of information leads to jumping to conclusions and/or assumptions that could be way off the mark. I get if someone wants to be tactful and "let you down gently" by the use of something like "I'm sorry, I just don't think this will work out" kind of thing, but that's better than a wall of silence.

This one time, years ago, I had been dating this woman for about 2 and a half years. I'm not sure I'd say we were mega serious or not, but we had common interests, we got on well, and when we first met (which was before I started D) she did not want children and neithe4r did I - so we had a common ground. So we dated, I started D, I told her about it, but I didn't go on and on about it - because I didn't want her to think my life was now about the machine (and it never was) and she seemed interested in a curious sort of way, but that was ok. The last year or so of our "relationship" she was off in China teaching kids English - a move I *totally* supported as something awesome for her, though of course I missed her massively and we only got to chat online maybe once or twice a week. So half way through that time she starts talking about thinking more and more about kids.. and I was thinking hmm.. ok...  fast forward to her returning. we spent a little bit of time together and she was a bit funny, but we got on well enough. On a whim I invited her to come to the D unit with me so she could see what went on. I figured we'd been together for over 2 years, it shouldn't be differenr right? Well she never actually saw me hooked up. We went in, chair wasn't ready but she did see the other patients hooked up etc. I have no idea if that freaked her out or not - she said nothing. I bid her farewell and that's the last time I saw her!!! We had a few neutralish phone calls and text exchanges - I invited her to lunch etc but she just trailed off to nothing.. seriously. And THAT hurt way more than anything for me. If she'd said "You know I'd been thinking about kids and well.." or even "I met someone when I was in China... " or "Gee that diallysis unit really freaked me out and made it all real for me" or.. anything.. nope.. she just said nothing, refused to have lunch with me and her sister basically wound up telling me she just didn't want to know me. Why couldn't she have said something? She knew me well enough to know that I prefered open and honest communication.. but she couldn't.. and that sucked!

Anyway this is NOT about me.. I was just trying to illustrate a real life situation where not having the balls or the decency to come clean with someone is horrible. I wonder where she is now. Maybe stuck at home with 3 kids under 5 screaming at her!!!  - I have no idea. I did not pursue her about it - I did not want to be the obsessive guy who can't accept things for the sake of a reason, but the odd occasions I think about it it does rile me a bit given the history we had.

Anyway... this disease and consequences definitely makes it difficult.. or more difficult.. to find a partner. I still have a huge fistula that is a put off.. quite apart from my face ... and personality... and... well.. most things. lol. I do have my kitty though and she loves me no matter what.. and that gives me great comfort to come home and NOT be alone, and be appreciated for more than just dishing up the tuna.

Not everyone is so shallow or horrid... all of us searching just have to hopefully stumble onto the sort that can see someone for who they are at the core and not for the medical stuff. I hope everyone who seeks it does...

[KarenInWA]

For me, my main concern with dating post-transplant is the repulsive "hook-up" culture that appears to be rappant in today's society. It's enough to make me 

Here's how I look at it. If some guy thinks I'm "damaged goods" for something that I have that is  beyond my control, then how about him and how many casual "hook-ups" he has had??? He chose to put himself  and his health in jeopardy, with or without a condom (since let's face it, they're not 100% able to keep away all nasties" and I really don't want to put myself at risk, thankyouverymuch). You want to talk about damaged goods??? Take a look in the mirror, you righteous, careless, nasty-ass jack off!!!   

No, I am not putting myself out there in the "dating" scene, because I already know how I will react to what is now considered "normal" "dating" behavior. I want no part of it. I'd feel the same way if I was healthy. I feel even more strongly about it since I have a transplant and am on those crazy meds.  If I somehow meet a sane man in real life, as opposed to online "dating" sites, then I would proceed slowly, and he would have to get tested for *every*thing before we get intimate. I am NOT putting my health at risk for some stupid fling. It's just not worth it.

KarenInWA

[cassandra]

Absolutely true, and please start getting the "damaged goods" bit out of your head.

keep strong, love Cas

[lainiepop]

Please don't feel this way, i felt like this in my teens, having a scar across my tummy where they built me a bladder and a small hole/stoma thing on abdomen through which i catheterize to empty bladder. I remember crying bout it and worrying bout getting boyrfriends. I was 23 when i married my husband, he has never cared a bit, loves me for who i am. We've been married 7 yrs this yr and have a 4 yr old son and 8mth old daughter. My last pregnancy we went thorugh so much as kidney was crashing we didn't know if we'd lose her, in the end she was 5wks early weighing 3lbs 12 born by c section. Would i look at my scar? No way, my husband did, told me it was fine could barely see it, but it still bothers me now. Im having a transplant in 8weeks from my dad, but my husband was keen to donate if mum or dad couldn't. Im still concerned about the op and afterwards and my bladder is different they're not sure how it will work and if it doesnt will have to have bladder ripped out and bag on tummy to collect urine. Husband is not bothered by this but being honest i really am. Trying not to think bout it at mo and hoping that wont happen, but who knows. But i do believe if someone truely loves you things like that just don't matter x