I'm Ending Treatment

[jadey]

hey beachbum

we started PD on the same day, as you noticed before. I'm currently going through a lot of shit with my transplant centre as well. People are cruel and heartless. They don't see you as a person, but just another patient. In the eyes of most doctors and nurses of transplant centres, we are all that annoying patient who is irresponsible and they will use their power to punish us by delaying our transplant process. I agree with you that karma will catch up with them one day.

However I don't think you should give in to them. Show them that they don't have the power to decide whether you live or die. I am fighting so hard for my case right now at the transplant centre and I believe that if I am persistent and have support, I will be able to win this battle.

You can get over this. I believe in you! You have all our support and I guarantee you that this board will help you every step of the way. Please give it a rest. Calm down and come back to us. WE can do this!!

[Desert Dancer]

beachbum, some of us have had horrific lives. Believe me when I say you're not the only one. I can understand your wanting to check out; there have been times in my life I've tried to check out but fate thought otherwise. I've spent the last 15 years on my knees thanking the powers that be that I did not succeed. If you'd told me then I'd have the life I have now I'd have had you committed.

Look, I know those a$$holes made you jump through hoops and then denied you for some bullsh*t reason. It's the whole reason I refuse to even consider getting listed; I just won't put up with those kinds of dick-waving power play games. But if it were ME (granted, it's not) there's no way in HELL I'd off myself and justify their decision ("oh, look, we were right, he was mentally unstable"). I'd have my revenge by fighting tooth and nail to get listed elsewhere just so I could go back to them in a few years and say, "Kiss my entire fat, hairy ass. I got my transplant in SPITE of you." Now just tell me that wouldn't be sweet.

You're going to do what you want to do. I would urge you to at least sleep on it a few nights. If you still decide you want to die, don't use a gun. Stop dialysis, have hospice come in and do ultrafiltration only so you don't drown in your own fluids. This also gives you some time and space to reconsider. I would also urge you to think about your wife. If you use a gun, SHE is the one who's going to have to clean up the blood and brains; no one is going to do that for her. Please don't saddle her with that the rest of her life. It looks like she really loves you.

As for how long it takes, there is a hundred-some-page thread here on the site that deals just with that question. Basically, it just depends. Depends on your remaining function, depends on your fluid and toxin intake, depends. From what I understand it's not a hard death, usually.

I really hope you'll step back and take the long view. I know it's not an easy thing to do. You've been forged in fire, my friend. Don't crack now.

[MooseMom]

DD, I highly doubt you have a big fat hairy ass.

Revenge would be so sweet, beachbum.

[Gerald Lively]

Beachbum;

Let’s compare scars.  I have cancer and renal failure.  This is my fourth cancer.  I was bummed out at the beginning too.  But hear this:  I’m not eligible for a transplant because of the cancer.  Wear my shoes once!

Get real.  I’d say, based on my experience that you have about a month, maybe less, before you begin to hallucinate and start to do crazy things.   Toxins do that.  In short; been there, done that.

If you are a “beachbum”, show some class and get your body and soul to a doctor to discuss depression. There is a support system out there, you only have to discover it.  Get down to the beach where the gulls chatter, the waves stack up before rolling to the dunes and it is you and your worth, alone.  Take the time to reach down deep, find yourself and think about the future.  That is what beach freaks do.

gerald

[natnnnat]

How long can I expect to live? A week? A few weeks? A month? Longer?

Obviously I don't know either, but I'll never forget this post by noahvale:
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=21382.msg354004#msg354004

Big love beachbum, you look gorgeous and so does that pink haired vixen kissing your chin. 

[kristina]

Please think this over.

I do understand how you feel at the moment because in ESRF it is easy
to reach a point when our thinking becomes totally overcrowded.

Next week or the week after another option might come up
but if you stop right now you won't even give yourself a chance.

I do hope you make the right decision

and I send you my best wishes, Kristina. 

[Poppylicious]

All I have is a wife that would be better off if I was dead.

I think you have a wife who would disagree with that.  If you involve nobody else in this decision, be sure to involve her in every single little aspect and answer any and all questions with brutal honesty.  And make sure that she has the support she needs to get through losing you.

*huggles*

[Traveller1947]

"At the end of the day we have to continue the fight.  You never know what's around the corner.  There's advances in medicine and things they are working on as I write this that may one day save our lives...  All I can say is hang in there and keep bouncing back.  It's not what you go through in life that defines you, it's how you respond to it."
[size=undefinedpt][/size]YOU wrote that, Tommy, right here in this forum.  LISTEN TO YOUR OWN GOOD WORDS!

[jeannea]

I have told my therapist I was thinking of quitting. But she helped me. Unfortunately I found out later that at the time I was really sick. These toxins can mess with your brain. Please consider asking for help.

[okarol]

  hey beachbum,
I sent you a PM.
take care 

[CebuShan]

All I have is a wife that would be better off if I was dead.

I said those exact words to my husband. This whole thing with ESRD has been a huge financial burden. To the point where we had to choose between paying bills or filling prescriptions. The look on his face made me stop and really think about what I had just said. Has it gotten easier, not really. However, I turn to my IHD family because they understand. I even have an IHD member that I talk to on the phone on a regular basis. It helps both me us. Maybe there's a member that could be your "phone buddy". Please ask your wife if SHE would agree that she would be better off without you.
I think she would disagree.   


 

[Gerald Lively]

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

[Sluff]

Beachbum, I am another one who will not judge you. But from what I see your reasoning is wrong. I would not let someone Else's stupidity or inept decisions make my mind up for me. Possibly I don't see the whole picture, I have not followed your whole story but I would be willing to bet your loved ones would not want to lose you. What ever decision you make please make it your own.

[fearless]

Hey beachbum

we love you.  send us a note to let us know you're still with us where we want you to be.  I'mm with Willis and Desert Dancer - it's better to live and find that in living you avenge those who've treated you like sh*t. 
Call one of the numbers provided here above for you.

I almost wrote out some real insanity that I've lived through.  I just decided I'd rather talk to you in person about it.  Let's set that up OK?
contact me

[Desert Dancer]

DD, I highly doubt you have a big fat hairy ass.

Hey, I'm only 44. Give it some time.

[amanda100wilson]

What is frusrating, is that I have a friend in the UK has literally run out of access options and is having repeated problems with clotting issues even now with catheters.  She has been through hell and back via numerous emergency hospital operations over the past year, and yet she continues to fight despite the adversity.  Maybe when the choice is not in a person's control, they fight hard to stay alive, not take the easy route out.

[gothiclovemonkey]

DD, I highly doubt you have a big fat hairy ass.

Hey, I'm only 44. Give it some time.

im 28... and i DO bahahaha


BTW< i forgot to add this...
I was DENIED by one transplant clinic, but approved by another... you may try going to another and see? might just be the one u chose is shitty! i was pretty upset being denied over "lack of support network" also still smoking and being overweight, but those can be fixed, my support network cant....

[cariad]

I was DENIED by one transplant clinic, but approved by another... you may try going to another and see? might just be the one u chose is shitty! i was pretty upset being denied over "lack of support network" also still smoking and being overweight, but those can be fixed, my support network cant....

This is so important to keep in mind. These hospitals are extremely competitive with each other, and just because this control-freak hospital has labeled you non-compliant does not mean that they can say for certain that all other area hospitals will follow on with the same assessment. That is what this place wants you to believe. You might just be surprised to see what a difference a change of hospital can make, and how a calm explanation and a willingness to address where you could have done things better (if that applies at all) can get you exactly where you want to go. Nothing will irritate the control freaks more than you getting a transplant without their precious permission.

[MooseMom]

Obviously I don't know either, but I'll never forget this post by noahvale:
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=21382.msg354004#msg354004

Where is noahvale?  I've missed seeing him around.

[lmunchkin]

We will be praying for you beachbum. Whatever your decision, make sure it is not in hast.  Think long and hard about it! This if a terrible thing that has happened.  So sorry!

Thinking of you& your wife.
God Bless,
lmunchkin

[Gerald Lively]

We can complain because rose bushes have thorns,
or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”

[gothiclovemonkey]

oh i like that,
reminds me of this...
we have to go thru alot of pricks to pick the perfect rose

[Whamo]

Beachbum,  If I were you I would reconsider.   Stem cell kidneys are said to be about five years off, and the transplant waiting list is ten years for most people.  Since the average lifespan for someone on dialysis is ten years it is pretty moot anyways.  And even if you do get a transplant, will you be able to afford the immuno drug bill each month of $1,500?  If you are afraid to live on dialysis, go ahead, die.  I have been in dead state myself, and come back, so I am personally not afraid of death.  Life is bittersweet.  Yesterday I spent two hours getting a new crown on my back tooth.  I was biting on tooth pillows and had a plastic sheet inside my mouth.  They shot me up with anesthetic four times.  Today I go to the doctor to see about my complex cyst in my gallbladder.  After that I go in for dialysis.  But I walked a mile-and-a-half in 30 minutes, took a shower, and feel great.   As to your question, death from kidney failure, according to what I've read, usually happens in a couple of weeks.  Myself, I hate dirty blood, and feel better after dialysis. 

[Riverwhispering]

Gerald did you write the "Go placidly amidst the noise and haste" one?  That is lovely.

This thread is enlightening to me.  I didn't realize until now how awful it is to be alive and be on dialysis.  I assumed if it wasn't really painful and that is was just something I could deal with, I mean three times a week for 4 hours seems so little time  and the rest of the time I can try to live without dealing with it.  I don't see an issue at all being on a renal diet.  So I have to give up stuff... it's not a big deal if it means I will feel better if i eat right.   

Many of you said you have considered killing yourself too.  What is it about dialysis that makes you want to die?  It must be the pain.   I could understand better if that was the reason.   Man can you imagine if it was something like being in a wheelchair and not able to feed yourself or do anything for yourself?  At least you wouldn't be doing dialysis.. that would be a relief huh?

[gothiclovemonkey]

Some people have a good treatment, other people not so much! When i was going to a certain clinic, i had terrible treatments, the techs and nurses werent nice, and didnt seem to know what the hell they were doing. I stopped going. It was that bad. I skipped many times, before just quitting all together! Because I did that, I ended up in a hospital in another town, and found the clinic i now go to. It is... 100% better going there, it still sucks to have to do it, to be 'tied down to a chair' and the general feeling i have after, im wore out, weak, tired, and sick, but the alternative IS death, so I do it. If i had no child, if i had no family, no loved one, i definitely would NOT do dialysis, but I have those things, and also im not quite ready to go even if i didnt... theres still a few things id like to do.

THE POINT though, dialysis does suck, and some people really have soooo much trouble with it (be it due to the staff not being very good at their job, or just the way the treatment makes us feel, or maybe other non-dialysis related things...other illness)
Just because Dialysis makes YOU feel great, doesnt mean it makes everyone feel great. I know i dont ever feel great after a treatment, but I also know what its like to get close to death from missing it... So, for those of you who are lucky enough to have a "good" treatment, keep in mind not everyone is that lucky.

And ya'll that are being judgemental in this post, really?? you really think thats helpful?