i cant do this anymore

[gothiclovemonkey]

I have always had issues in that area. I dont know why. I am extremely socially akward. I never know what to say or do around others, especially when it comes to emotions, and empathy, or is it sympathy? idk the difference... I hate confrontations so I usually just "go with the flow" and do what others around me are doing, even if i dont really want to.
I will have to see if my therapist can help me with that, or see if she knows someone who can.
On the net, I am capable of somewhat expressing myself, offline I cant make a complete sentence to save my life half the time! I tend to stutter and run on and on. Im just a weirdo lol

[MooseMom]

You express yourself just fine online.  There are a lot of people just like you for whom the internet is a godsend; it removes the pressure from face to face interaction.  My son loves to meet new people, but he is socially awkward and he knows it, but he has had PRACTICE with social interaction, so he has been fortunate.  Those lessons gave him confidence.  You don't have to be autistic to benefit from just the same sort of teaching.  The reason you have trouble expressing yourself in the "real world" is because you are distracted by wondering how you appear to whomever it is you are interacting.  Online, none of us can see you, so the pressure is off...you don't have to worry about what we are thinking of you because we can't see you, so you are freer to say what you want to say.  There is nothing unusual about this; a lot of people are just like you.

Most normal people don't particularly like confrontation.  The trick will be to convert "confrontation" into something more constructive, but to do this, you will have to take control of the interaction.  What other posters have said is true.  If your aunt says, "Your fistula is butt-ugly", instead of getting into an argument about it and risk feeling bad, you take control and say, "It sure is, isn't it!  But thank God I have it!  It saves my life every Monday/Wednesday/Friday, so I can put up with it.  Now, let's do some wedding planning!" 

[Poppylicious]

On the net, I am capable of somewhat expressing myself, offline I cant make a complete sentence to save my life half the time! I tend to stutter and run on and on. Im just a weirdo lol

That's me, completely.  Even down to the weirdo bit ...

 

[boswife]

Im having such a hard time not responding to your 'plight' but yet, i am stuck for words.   i 'feel for ya' SOOoooooooooooo much that i cant even respond.  Just want to send some  's and tell you (for what its worth) that i am the same as you in many ways and whats unfortunate is, im 60 and i havent conquered it    I even use a service dog to 'aleart' me to some of my weardness so i can stop it..lol  Face to face is yuck for me unless it's info for hubby type stuff, and sometimes i still get nervous on here and go in circles and cant even understand what i write. ... other times, i read something and it's 'well written' and i dont even recognize i wrote it..lol  Yea, some people are weard like that but all those  that i have known, well there the kindest people ever.  And!!!!!!!! Im mad at your family for being mean...  Thats just sad... Someday, they may realize what they've missed out on.. YOU!!  Feel better, your loved and valued here     

[kristina]

Hello, gothiclovemonkey,

I am very sorry what you are going through
and I wish I had an answer.

It is interesting, though, to read, how people act so differently.

I for example, I feel awkward on the Internet because it is anonymous
and I don’t see the person “ I am talking to”,
whereas if I meet a person face-to-face I feel much better
and I am much better equipped to express myself,
whereas on the Internet I always feel a little awkward.
Strange, isn’t it?

I do hope you can sort something out and
I send you my best wishes, Kristina.

[gothiclovemonkey]

you guys are great thank u! i love my ihd family!!

We humans are strange lol
Its like this... the lv meet, i am sooo nervous, its one thing to talk on here, but wow... its going to be nerve racking to try to converse there!!
 
Thank u everyone

[Desert Dancer]

Its like this... the lv meet, i am sooo nervous, its one thing to talk on here, but wow... its going to be nerve racking to try to converse there!!

I, for one, am going to nearly squeeze the life out of you with the biggest hug you've ever had ON SIGHT.  Don't see how we'll have any problem conversing after that!

[gothiclovemonkey]

 
sounds good to me!

[del]

I sympathize with you.    Agree with your aunt that your arm may be ugly but it is your lifeline!!  Try agreeing with her about most things.  That throws people for a loop sometimes!!

[gothiclovemonkey]

i always agree i just laugh and say yep it is butt ugly.. or something like that.
it kind of looks like a fetus to be quite honest about it... a young girl pointed that out to me once... i laughed my butt off over that one. Its shaped like a pig tail but the way it looks under the skin... i see it... little baby shaped alien fetus. WHich to me represents new life. it works

[del]

it just makes you unique    Hubby's looks like a garden hose!!

[RichardMEL]

Some really wonderful responses here - specially MM's (and ty for the "secret women's business" info re waterproof makeup. I'm over that issue now!!! lol).

Poppy - what you're socially awkward? surely not!!! You telling me you do *NOT* give real life *huggles* what the hell did I just book a ticket to the UK for then?!!  (j/k)

D/D: Get in line, toots - GLM's going to be so hugged and welcomed by the IHD family the nerves will last but a few minutes. Heck, I'll be nervous too (if I make it there!)... it's always weird translating from the 'net/online to in the flesh(so to speak - no this isn't a reference to the pool!! ). I think we'll all be a bit nervous, but I am pretty sure that the IHD folks are just as special and caring and wonderful in real life as they are online, and we'll all be welcomed with open arms (I shall post the availability of my suite for the ladies seperately  ). The other thing to remember about the IHD meet is that none of us is going to care about your fistula(well maybe some will be interested from a curious post of view to compare or something) but we're not like that. We have all been there, done that.. .and know what it's all about (so if I ask you if you want to see my 'big throbber" - don't slap me right away, ok?  ).

btw I always thought of "Empathy" is using one's experiences to relate to another's situation.. as in I can empathise with your dialysis experiences because I've had my own and know what it's like. "Sympathy" to me is more generic - as in I feel sorry for something but it's not something I've experienced myself... like "I'm so sorry you lost your dog. I sympathise with you" - of course I may be wrong, that's just how I use those words.

I agree with MM to turn "confrontation" into something construcive and hopefully positive. Yes, there's "going with the flow" but there's also rolling over and being used, or abused rather. I sure as hell wouldn't let anyone tell me to change my hair colour (grey is distinctive supposedly :p ) or cover my fistula just because they don't like it. Live with it - or just don't look for heaven's sake. You've definitely hit the nail on the head that your self-esteem is an issue, and you can get help with that kind of thing. I am not that confident myself as it happens, and certainly in public or unfamiliar situations I'm not very good at all but well I think my attitude is that I am who I am. far from perfect. Just do the best I can and don't let anyone tell me to be anything I'm not. Yes, I'll accept advice and constructive criticism - but that's different to being made to feel like I *have* to do something to make someone else happy or something.

[gothiclovemonkey]

 
RM- we could always compair our big throbbers ROFL because mine is huge and i want to give u fistula envy

When mine first began working my (transgender) roommate always asked if she could sit on it, for a thrill HA HA pun intended.

[RichardMEL]

Wow, I think THAT tangent definitely belongs in the Hooters' pool!!!! 

[galvo]

GCM, I suggest you have a look at 'assertiveness training' courses. Your local community college, or similar, could be a good place to start.

[gothiclovemonkey]

 
im going to talk to my therapist for some referals.

[RichardMEL]

Don't talk - DEMAND!!!!! 

or if you like, follow the example of the great Aussie Rules footy coach John Kennedy: "Don't think - DO! DO SOMETHING!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBTqE2OgMB4

[Kitty Cat]

GLM, I can relate to what you experience with your family. I have always been the black sheep, I won't even repeat the things that have been said to me by my mother. About 6 years ago I stopped speaking to her and her side of the family. I had to. My husband with all of his issues comes first without a negative pull from her while she cussed me out and such.

Now, I had stopped speaking to her many times before but always went back because I'm the daughter, I should be the better person. Bull!!!! NOBODY has to take abuse from family because they are blood. So, it's been 6 years now and my life is greatly improved! Truly. I have nobody making me feel like garbage about myself, telling me how stupid I am and will never get anywhere in life. It's sad that I was in my early 40's before I worked up the guts to make the break.

It's never too late, don't make my mistake by continually going back for more, be kind to yourself. Your son is your #1, regain your self esteem and don't be afraid to be yourself. Everybody here adores you, myself included. If people can't accept it-too bad for them. It's their loss not yours.

As stated, nobody is ever happy, with my circumstances, I've been very angry lately because my husband is deteriorating, so every time I want to punch out a wall (yeah, I have a very nasty temper at times) I take out the hedge trimmers and start chopping away. I've gotten a whole lot trimmed, so it's kind of a positive way to be destructive. By the time I'm done, I'm so tired and I'll go back in and sit for a while.

Be you, that's the best you have to offer the world, for those not accepting, they really aren't worth a second thought!   

[gothiclovemonkey]

mmmmmmmkay the world is upside down tonight heh
so i had to go to my aunts unexpectantly, and since i was in a crap mood due to the doctors appointment, i decided to go as i was.. and she actually liked my hair! i couldnt believe it...

[lmunchkin]

GLM, don't be so hard on yourself!  You have a lot to offer others!  Just be yourself!  You have alot of other things to worry about than to worry about your family!  Just take care of yourself and that youngun!  That is what matters!

lmunchkin     

[Lovebelle]

I have pretty much written of the so called friends who cant handle the real me, its my family that i cant seem to do that with. i do need their exceptance...
For a small example, my aunt... her son is getting married, i am invited to the wedding that is great and all, but she told me to make sure i cover my disgusting arm (fistula) and do not dye my hair an unacceptable color (in other words, i must stay blonde, i cant even go dark like i prefer) and I have to take out my peircings in my ears because i "have too many" blah blah blah (she actually once made me undye my hair it was dark brown, just to come to christmas dinner with the family)

The transplant center in indy called me and told me i need to see a psychiatrist, the illinois one has already accepted me except for the darn pap smear bs...
I dont really know why i have to... I already see one, and i see a therapist once a week. I havent had any recent breakdowns or relapses (i used to hurt myself alot but its been a while!) so im not really sure why i would have to...

Perhaps I have been a bit of a rebel since all this started with me, but I say dye your hair whatever color you want, show off your peircings, and hell even wear a strapless dress and show everyone what a strong beautiful woman you are. I dont define strength by putting on a face and showing everyone the mask they want to see, But strength is persevering even during the toughest and darkest times of our life and making the choice to keep going. If you are sad and down in the dumps, then take time there and work through it. Dont force yourself to express an emotion that doesnt reflect you in that moment.  If you are excited and happy, then reflect that and shine!

How dare anyone ask you to be anything but who you are. To hide!  I have family like yours, who look at me and my scars and say, "boy you used to have such beautiful skin and now look at all those scars." Or even better they introduce me as the "one who is sick".  I just say "it is what it is." I know I am still beautiful and I dont let my scars or my disease define who I am. 

I used do alot of pretending and acting like a chipper, put together girl even though inside I was down and sad and lonely. I dont do that anymore. I am who I am. And my emotions and struggles are real.  Im not pretending for anyone anymore. I was always the person who was there for everyone. The one who everyone could lean and share all their troubles with. And I loved that and love being that go-to person. But I realized that no one really inquired about me or about my life. When I discovered I was ESRF, that changed. I suddenly needed people to talk to and lean on and people couldnt handle it.  I have lost some friends, but I found out who my true friends are and sadly there are very few but I cherish them. Same with my family, there have been those who surprised me and have so encouraging through ups and downs. And others well...I simply choose to keep my distance from and typically dont answer the phone.

You are right to cut those out of your life who bring you down. Continue persevering 

[Comeback Kid(ney)]

I hear what everyone is saying and I empathize with ev erything you have said. If this helps, I have set a rule and I stick by it every day. This rule has two parts; one- stay away from anyone who is negative(at least try to avoid as much as possible) and two- do not hang around people who you have to try to impress. You will never be yourself and not only that but hate yourself for who you are trying to be.It may mean walking alone in life for awhile but the truer you are to yourself, the better off you'll be in the long run.