i cant do this anymore

[gothiclovemonkey]

I keep trying to stay positive, i keep trying to do good and i fail. I fail so hard at everything. How can everyone expect me to be so positive all the damn time? I cant do it any more!
Everyone arounds me wants me to be all smiles, happiness, feeling good, feeling happy, all the time. The dont understand that this blows and sometimes I just dont feel well. If i show it, they roll their eyes and ignore it. And the ones that dont, i dont want to worry them! 
I know my higher power is there somewhere, what does he want me to do? break? i feel like he keeps giving me more than i can bare.... i always make it through and i know i will make it through again, its just right now i just feel overwhelmed and need to rant some.
I wish i didnt have to fake my happiness anymore its really exhausting.
I just want to be myself for once............. just one day to be who i truly am. I want so much to be accepted for who i am , not for what everyone else wants me to be. Why cant they accept me for me?? Why must I always wear a mask to please everyone??


Then theres this issue... I have lost about 100 lbs, quit smoking*, and kept up with my treatments even though i absolutely cant stand it...
and now not only do they want me to see a new psychiatrist when i already have one that im comfortable with, but im gaining weight like crazy! i gained 9kilos in 2 days, but i havent changed my diet at all! INFACT i have been trying to limit my fluid intake even more than i normally would! its driving me crazy...
I dont want to see another psychiatrist! I dont need them denying me based on some stupid reason because of my head issues... my psychiatrist knows me, she knows i wont do anything to screw up this kidney... but someone who doesnt? they will just assume.. they ALWAYS assume the worst from people like me... I dont get it.
I could do everything in my power to be the perfect person and something always goes to hell!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
what to do what to do?
 

[MooseMom]

Well, the first thing you should do is stop trying to be the perfect person because I'm the only one who can do THAT!

We here on IHD don't expect you to be positive all the damn time, and it's unfair for anyone else to put this extra burden upon you.  Don't let them.  Don't let those people make you feel guilty for feeling bad.  They can't MAKE you feel bad for feeling bad.  What everyone else wants from you is entirely irrelevant, and if all they want for you is to be always smiling, then they really don't care that much about you, so to hell with what their expectations of you may be.

You don't have to fake happiness all the time because, you are right, it IS exhausting.  Anyone with a chronic illness like this needs all the energy they can muster to lurch from day to day, and none of that energy can be wasted on making other people more "accepting" of you and your fake jollity.

If you've been wearing the happy mask for a long time, then that is what people will expect.  Once you take off the mask, they are going to have to adapt to the real you, the honest you, and if they can't cope with that, then you haven't lost much, to be honest.

Of course, it is easier for someone of my more advanced years to cut off people who have become a burden to me, but if you can do it, it is so liberating!  Younger people seem to need more acceptance from more people, but that might be a gross exaggeration.

Who is it that wants you to see a different psychiatrist?  The transplant center?  What reason do they give you for this?

[gothiclovemonkey]

I have pretty much written of the so called friends who cant handle the real me, its my family that i cant seem to do that with. i do need their exceptance...
For a small example, my aunt... her son is getting married, i am invited to the wedding that is great and all, but she told me to make sure i cover my disgusting arm (fistula) and do not dye my hair an unacceptable color (in other words, i must stay blonde, i cant even go dark like i prefer) and I have to take out my peircings in my ears because i "have too many" blah blah blah (she actually once made me undye my hair it was dark brown, just to come to christmas dinner with the family)

The transplant center in indy called me and told me i need to see a psychiatrist, the illinois one has already accepted me except for the darn pap smear bs...
I dont really know why i have to... I already see one, and i see a therapist once a week. I havent had any recent breakdowns or relapses (i used to hurt myself alot but its been a while!) so im not really sure why i would have to...

[MooseMom]

Why do you feel the need for acceptance from a family member who wants you to cover your "disgusting arm" for her son's wedding?  What can this woman possibly offer you that you need to cope with kidney disease?  She should feel grateful that you are alive and well enough to even contemplate attending! 

As for the psychiatrist requirement, it might be an idea to find out why they are asking you to do this.  They may have a perfectly valid reason, or at the very least, they may not understand that you are happy with the one you already have. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

im definately going to call them on monday. I dont see why they cant talk to mine.

She is the last of my mothers side of the family... also she is the executor of my families estate and basically owns my property until im 30.(which is why im not currently living in my house!)

 She isnt the only one in my family that is like that about my arm either. My brother doesnt like to see it either, and he calls me walking dead girl.... sometimes he calls me friar tuck because i lose my hair and im fat lol my family rocks, dont they?
they all want me to be someone im not. im the black sheep, always have been even when i was a little girl they would treat me like i was crap... because i was chubby, and not a perfect princess...

[MooseMom]

So, are you saying that basically you have to keep her happy so that she won't disinherit you?

I'm assuming you have talked to your psychiatrist about this poisonous family dynamic.  What does she advise?

[gothiclovemonkey]

no she can disinheirit me all she wants lol i just want her love.. she is all i have left of my moms side.

both my therapist and my psychologist dont like my family. I do have my dad, but hes not well himself and hes married to a psychotic bimbo....

[MooseMom]

Do you think, deep down inside, she loves you?  What is your gut feeling? 

[Desert Dancer]

I am sorry, but I think your aunt is a poisonous old biddy with a "disgusting soul". How dare she say something like that to you? Does she not realize if it weren't for your "disgusting arm" you wouldn't be alive? Does she value your life so little?

I'll leave you with these words of wisdom from Theodore Giesel (Dr. Seuss):

"“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Sometimes you just can't gain acceptance, respect or love from people, especially family members. Abandoning who you are and twisting yourself into pretzels to conform to their ideals is too high a price to pay and usually doesn't work anyway. People like that just need to be cut loose before they become toxic to you.

Just my 

[gothiclovemonkey]

The other day when i went to her house, she had invited me and my son to swim... I was frantically trying to get ready, puting make up on, doing my hair, trying to get my son ready.. It dawned on me that I spend more time getting ready to swim at her house than i do to go on a date...
ill never be good enough for them.

thats one of my favorite quotes!

[lmunchkin]

GM, Im not going to pretend to know how you feel or can really give you any advise!  But if you look like the Picture on your Intro, you are a beautiful young lady, and you are not "fat".  You think that is fat, you should see me.  Look, you have helped alot of people on this site with your kindness and quite frankly being "gracious" about everything! I don't see how you do it with all you got going on!  But there is no way you can convince me that you are not naturally sweet and kind!  No Way would I ever believe that you are anything different.

Now, do I think or believe that you or anyone, Including myself, can't get "upset" with what life puts before us! Nope! I just think that family members can sometimes be our worst enemy in the way that they treat us and really say things that are hurtful! But the thing is, that its okay!  I know I have said some hurtful things to others that after further thought, I regreted, but you know you are sorry and just get over it! I know I lashed out at individuals on this site (and I mean undeserving) and one in particular, and all the responses I read to my response were very hard to take, though deserving, you responded with "can't we all just get along" Just that statement from you made me realize, this disease does take a toll on "EVERYONE".  But you were the only one that said nothing ugly in response to my "tongue lashing" to this individual. And in all honesty, it wasn't her personally, cause I really do love Rachael alot, it was that whole week building up, that I let go my anger! Unfortunately, Rachael took the hit!!  We talked and everything is fine as I know she understood and all is forgiven. But GM, you really have given people not only your kindness, but your sense of humor is admirable! 

That is why I was so shocked to hear you say that you are not being you!  The real you is just what you are and you know it deep inside! Have your bad days from time to time, but don't change your heart!

Please, GM, don't be do hard on yourself!  You don't have to be "happy" all the time, but maybe just be your "sweet" self! 
For all of us, we really need you!  We all need each other on IHD!

lmunchkin   

P.S. I like DD quote!  It is exactly the way all should think!

[MooseMom]

GLM stories about crap family members are legion, so here is mine...

I am an only child for all practical purposes.  I do have a half brother who is my father's son by his first wife.  HB and I have never been close, mainly because we've never even lived in the same state.  He's 13 years older than me, and our lives just led us in different directions.  We'd always been friendly, exchanging b-day cards and such, but we'd never been truly close.

When my (our) dad died, he left everything to my mom, which was the right thing to do.  Just a few years later, she found herself on dialysis, so she knew the financial hardship that this treatment can bring.  Of course she knew about my CKD, and she knew that I was close to dialysis and that I was trying to get on the transplant list.  She felt bad that she couldn't fly up here and be with me, but she had her own ESRD battle to fight.  So a few months before she unexpectedly died, she changed her will and left everything to me because that was her way of protecting me, her only child.  You probably know that my only child, my mom's only grandchild, is autistic, so that was another reason she left everything to me.  However, she did leave a good sum of money to my half-brother because she thought that was the right thing to do.

My HB decided that he deserved more of the estate, and despite me explaining to him that I was the one with the incurable disease and that my son was the one who is permanently disabled, he decided I was just a selfish bitch because he wanted to buy a new house and thought that I should finance it.

I doubt that he would want to change places with me.

So yeah, I know that family can be the greediest, most selfish people on the face of planet Earth.  My birthday was on the 28th, and for the first time in 20 years, I didn't get a card from him because he is still pouting.  Oh, and do you think he's ever volunteered to be tested...him or his wife or his son (my nephew)?  Can you say, "NO!"?

You know something, GLM, I'm not sure your family is good enough for you.

And as for your "ugly arm", I trust this means that everyone in your family is physically flawless.  Must be nice to be perfect.

Look, we all are social animals and need love.  But we don't need it from just anybody and everybody.  It's not always easy to admit that your family, who is supposed to love you, might not be particularly wonderful people.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Sounds more like ur HB is the selfish bitch, to me. My father wanted to get tested, hes such a good dad, they denied him of course, his health is poor. Noone else in my family has even bothered to acknowledge it.
The "funny" thing is my relatives that im talking about are nurses and doctors....

I know they are poisonous, they always have been... ive dealt with their idiocy all my life... they THINK they are perfect. I am a constant disappointment to them, worthless in every way.

It would be nice if they could just accept that im not who they want me to be and idk just be civil... and stop trying to change me, and even bribe me to be someone im not.

But, reguardless of all that, I think im... pretty well adjusted now lol i have an amazing child and i wont let them do to him what they have tried to do to me... although it has already begun, i see it, and it pisses me off. Just because hes my kid, they treat him poorlly. its sad.

I just cant keep up a charade anymore. Ive lived behind my mask for so long, im almost afraid of whats beneath it lol

bah maybe i am crazy...

[Poppylicious]

GLM, you're NOT crazy ... you're BEAUTIFUL and you have an amazingly scrummy little boy and VERY VERY SOON you WILL be listed and thus one step closer to getting your spankingly brand new (albeit second-hand) kidney!

Perhaps it's time to step out from behind the mask.  Forget the charade and let them (all) know exactly how they've made you feel.  Scream, rant, rave, cry ... get it all out.  Or failing that, write each of them a letter ... it never has to be posted but it might help you release some of the anger.

What do your cousin and his bride-to-be say about you needing to cover your fistula, remove your earrings or keep your hair as it is for the wedding?  It is THEIR big day after all, not your aunt's. 

I don't have family strife (I just ignore my dad completely) but I do have an inkling fo what you're putting up with and it isn't healthy.  Bah!  Who needs those sort of relatives, eh? Perhaps when you get a kidney and your house (and that cute man!) you can wave buh-bye to them?

*huggles* for you, my lovely.

[RichardMEL]

umm why would you put make up on to go swimming?

but I digress.

I think the core issue here is, at least with regard to your family and friendsm is that you appear to worry more about what others think of you than what YOU do. Is it more important to you to make others happy than yourself?

With your example about your aunt and the wedding - what she's doing is being SELFISH!!! Totally selfish - she wants you to change your hair colour, cover up your arm etc- because she doesn't want to see that stuff there or in photos or whatever. OMG!?! Selfish?!! Geez. If it was me I'd say look I'm who I am and if you can't accept that then I guess I can't attend your son's wedding (and frankly shouldn't anything like that be up to him and his bride anyway???). Geez.

Don't get me wrong - you want to fit in. You don't want to rock any boats or upset anyone given all that you have to deal with on a daily basis, but there's a line there and no wonder you're reaching a point where it's all too much.

I don't think that's right.

As for having to be the "happy" person all the time. Are you really sure this is what people expect of you? Or is this an expectation you put on yourself, which relates to the above point, about not causing a fuss etc?

I am sure your friends and family *want* you to be happy, but that's more in the way that we want you well and to be doing OK - not to pretend you're all honky-dory all the time. Now sure, some people just don't want to know the nitty gritty details of live with a chronic disease - we all get that - but you don't have to pretend either.. just say "oh I'm fine" or "I'm doing OK" or "getting by" without having to be something you're not.

There are times where it's OK to be yourself and to express it, get it off your chest etc.


*hugs*

[gothiclovemonkey]

I wore make up swimming to avoid hearing them say rude comments about how i look...
Usually its just about my weight, but occationally they mix it up lol

Thank you everyone. Its very nice to have support with you all. It really is difficult living like this, and i just cant keep being like this.

 ur right about me not wanting a fuss or confrontation. I would rather bend to others wishes than deal with it. Ive always been like that. Ive always done everything for everyone else. I do not care about fitting in, outside of my family life.
i wish i had the strength to say scew it and be myself for once.

[tbarrett2533]

I feel exactly the same way....... stay positive my a**!!
and people with their stupid remarks like my all time favorite, "Just go have a kidney transplant." like it's as easy as going to the store and buying a loaf of bread....

here is what my therapist told me "if someone is toxic in your life, remove them just like dialysis removes your toxins."    Family or not!! (easier said than done I know)

and I say you wanna rant..... rant away that's what we are here for!!!

 

[noahvale]

^

[RichardMEL]

Wow GLM you *ALWAYS* defer to others wishes?! Learn to stand up for yourself woman!! That's my wish... oh along with get your ass to the Hooters pool... oh wait.. that's not a wish.. that's an ORDER!!! and bugger the make up!!!!  You'll do that right.. because you ALWAYS defer......

Seriously though for what little it's worth I think you need to develop your own boundraries better and not be walked over by others. What YOU want and feel is just as impoirtant as anyone else - your family, friends, me, etc think or want.

I actually agree with one of the points noahvale makes - the tx center probably want you to see their shrink who is familiar with, trained etc in issues relating to transplanation rather than a more general thing. They may also feel that your own therapist may be.. well not biased so much, but a little too involved, and they may prefer their own independent assessment that is consistent within their own program, by someone they know, work with etc.

I know when I had my psych eval  when my sister was being tested to donate (interestingly I NEVER had any kind of formal evaluation before being put on the cadaveric list... I guess because the issues there are that much more straight forward and less complicated in terms of how you would feel about a family member/friend donating etc). Anyway I have to say in my opinion the psych eval was an absolute joke and waste of time. However it was done byt the renal psych on the hospital staff - so she was acutely aware of all issues involving kidney disease, dialysis and of course transplanation. My particular eval, or I should say "our"eval was stupid in my view because she sat us BOTH down together and talked to us for about 30-45 minutes. That made no sense to talk to us together and not seperately. I mean say I was trying to influence my sister with guilt or fear or a bribe or something, she's hardly going to admit that in an interview when I'm sitting right there is she? If *I* was doing it I'd talk to each person individually, to try and assess motives, desire, etc from each party, then maybe together and make an evlauation that way. However I'm not a shrink so what would I know? I do know that both of us came away from that interview feeling like it was a waste of time.

GLM I'm still stuck on this make up/swimming thing (LOL sorry!)... yes you want to look your best when visiting, but if you're going specifically to swim.. wouldn't they complain and whinge if your makeup came off in the water (ew)?

I reckon if they have a go at your weight or your fistula or whatever spin it in a positive way. So if they say "oh you're so big" you remind them how much you've lost, and what you're doing to improve things, and if they talk about your "ugly arm" remind them that it is your LIFE line and it may be ugly but being dead is a whole lot more uglier - or even gross them out and say "perhaps you'd prefer my access to be in my groin?"

I coyuld care less what people think of my arm. I would walk down the street in a short sleeved shirt if it was hot and some people would stare and perhaps think I was a drug user or something - I could care less what other people think - it's their problem! *I* know how important that fistula is, and what it's for. If people are going to be so hung up and superficial it's not like we need them in our lives anyway? You of all people, with your new beau, should know this more than most.

I won't say "be positive" (I know it says that in my .sig!) since I know you hate that, but I will hope you can hang in there and try to not worry so much about what these uninformed ipeople - family or other - think. You know the truth and that's all that should really matter - right?

 

[gothiclovemonkey]

That does make sense, even if it is frustrating I just dont like talking to doctors at all, especially about my insanity lol

RM id gladly swim with u!

I do wear tank tops all the time, so long as im not going around that side of my family! Strangers can kiss my chubby white butt! Its toooo hot outside to cover up my arms!

If i said that bit about the groin, they would say, "yes at least we wouldnt have to see it when we eat!" lol i know this because ive said that...

IWISH i could stand up for myself and not try to make others happy before myself. I need training or something idk lol im a pushover... always.

[kyshiag]

Invite me to the next family visit.  I can exchange barbs with the best of them.  You might get disinherited but you'll damn sure enjoy the process.

[Ang]

You don't have to fake happiness all the time because, you are right, it IS exhausting.  Anyone with a chronic illness like this needs all the energy they can muster to lurch from day to day, and none of that energy can be wasted on making other people more "accepting" of you and your fake jollity.

If you've been wearing the happy mask for a long time, then that is what people will expect.  Once you take off the mask, they are going to have to adapt to the real you, the honest you, and if they can't cope with that, then you haven't lost much, to be honest.

[Desert Dancer]

Invite me to the next family visit.  I can exchange barbs with the best of them.  You might get disinherited but you'll damn sure enjoy the process.

Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me! When I read through this thread I just wanted to fold you into my arms and HISS at your family members. They'd damned sure be afraid to BREATHE around you once I was through with them. 

I was recounting this to Andy last night while going on the machine and my heart rate SOARED; I am just so angry on your behalf. You are one of the kindest, most beautiful people on this board and your family are shallow fools to not see what they have in you.

Are these the kind of people you would invite into your life if they WEREN'T family? Sorry, but blood holds no sway with me and I learned that lesson very hard and very early. What parts of you are they killing every time you have to put on your mask for them? It isn't worth it. Sometimes we have to leave behind our 'families of origin' and create our own 'families of choice'.

[gothiclovemonkey]

No i can honestly say if we were related i would NOT associate with them, and they would not associate with me.
You guys are more of a family to me than they are!

Sometimes I do wish they would shun me... it would be easier i think. Sure, I would be hurt, but its not like im not hurt when they go back and forth between what they call love and what they say and do.

How do I be myself after so long?
They should have classes or something fo self esteem and stuff like that lol i need to learn the word No and learn to say what i truly feel instead of hide so much.

[MooseMom]

RichardMEL, I'll let you in on a little secret...they make waterproof makeup! 

GLM, actually, there ARE classes that teach things like how to stand up for yourself, etc.  As you know, my son is autistic (though high-functioning), and he went to a special primary and then special secondary school from the time he was 7 until he went to college at 16 (this was in the UK).  At his school, they spent a lot of time practicing social skills, like how to have a conversation, how to express interest in others instead of just warbling on about himself, this sort of thing, because autistic people have a disability when it comes to social functioning.  They can learn these skills, but they learn them by rote.  This skill set isn't wired into them like it is into neural normal people.

My point is that perhaps you can ask your psychiatrist to set up scenarios where you can practice saying "No."  The two of you can create scripts to follow and can enact scenes where she is your aunt and you practice deflecting her criticism and standing up for yourself.   So, your idea of "taking classes" is actually brilliant and very, very workable.  You would be practicing a social skill just like a student would practice playing piano.