Go on vacation--or wait for funeral?

[RightSide]

I've been planning a vacation, a trip I would take over the next few weeks.  This would be the first real vacation I've had since my kidneys started failing years ago.

But just a few days ago, I got the news that the husband of my aunt is in a hospice in New York, dying.  I love my aunt very much--she was like a mom to me after my real mom died.  And I would like to be at the funeral when my aunt's husband passes.

So now what to do?  I don't want to have to put all my vacation plans on indefinite hold while I wait to see how his condition works out.

Or I could go on my vacation trip, but stand by to fly back to New York if the funeral happens.

Any suggestions?

[MooseMom]

I think I would first look at any relevant cancellation policies, ie, for any hotel or airlines or other services you may be using for this trip.  Find out how much it would cost you if you had to cut your vacation short.  How much would it cost you to, say, take an earlier flight back?

If you decide that you could get back quickly and easily, then maybe you could speak to your aunt and tell her simply that this is a trip you had been planning for for such a long time; I'm sure she understands that.  When you speak to her, maybe you can get an idea of exactly what his condition is, and maybe that will give you more information to help you decide what to do.

I understand how you don't want to put your plans on indefinite hold.  On the other hand, it would be a shame to have to cut your much-anticipated holiday short.

How firm are your vacation plans?  Have you made any actual bookings?  How quickly do you have to make a decision?  All things to think about while you decide what to do.

[Chris]

What MooseMom said.
 
I'm sure your aunt knows about your kidney conditions trials and tribulations right? If so, I think she would be understanding if you could not be by her side until the funeral.

[cariad]

If it were me, I would make the decision here and now how important the actual funeral is. As Tennessee Williams wrote "funerals are pretty compared to deaths". (Streetcar)

If you know that you need to be there with your aunt to feel right with this, then I would postpone the holiday indefinitely. I, myself, could never relax and enjoy knowing that at any moment I could get a call that would send me scrambling to pack and wait it out at the airport for a seat that may not come available in time. Since you refer to this man only as your aunt's husband, it would seem safe to assume that it is not an issue of wanting to honor his memory, but revolves entirely around your aunt's feelings. Having just been through a funeral for a (much loved) uncle, I can say that my auntie was in rather a daze through the two days of planning and the actual ceremony, and had to excuse herself to go have a lie-down or just find a quiet place to grieve. In the immediate aftermath, people do tend to descend on the mourners and are there to offer assistance and companionship in the short term. It is the permanent emptiness that follows that I would want to have support through.

Which brings me to option two, if you think you won't feel terrible guilt at missing the funeral, call your aunt, let her know that you may miss the funeral but that if that does happen, you will want to take time to be there for her as soon as possible, or as soon as she would like. It is lonely when everyone else goes back their lives and you can't. I would want people to continue to check in with me and come visit when I could really concentrate on them, and would choose that over having someone attend a funeral.

Of course, as others have said, it does depend on the nature of the holiday, how far from New York you'll be traveling, whether you've got any non-refundable money wrapped up in this already, and so forth.

Good luck. And peace to your aunt.

[Ang]

funeral every day of the week

[lmunchkin]

Excellent point Cariad.  I have been to 4 burials for immediate family members, and really don't remember who attended the funeral, but remember very well who came to visit in our lonely times afterwards! I agree, that is probably  the best time to go and stay awhile after loved one is gone!

lmunchkin     

[boswife]

Hi Rightside, good to see you and I like your picture   I'm sorry this is going on for you as your about to have a holiday.  And I'm so sorry for your aunt who's just in the waiting game.. How sad. I was wondering how comfortable you would be to ask your aunt how see feels about you possibly being away during 'that' time.  I personally agree with the others here that the time of need is after, or even now but your aunt may not feel the same.  I truly hope you get to go off and enjoy yourself and maybe you need to just comfront her on it to clear your head.  I'm not an 'etiquette' person, i do what i and others 'feel' right about.  I REALLY want you and your kidney to go and enjoy so i hope it works out for you.   

[RightSide]

What MooseMom said.
 
I'm sure your aunt knows about your kidney conditions trials and tribulations right? If so, I think she would be understanding if you could not be by her side until the funeral.

She does know.

In fact, she was the one I named as my emergency contact for my kidney transplant surgery.  The surgeon phoned her afterward to tell her that my surgery went well.

That's why I want so much to take this vacation.  This is the first real trip I will be taking without needing hemod******* treatments, so I was looking forward to it.

(see, moderators, I didn't say the D word)

[MooseMom]

The more I think about this, the more I am inclined to believe that you should sit down with your aunt and tell her exactly what you have told us.  Ask her what she would like to see you do.  I'm sure she wants you to be happy, especially knowing how many hard times you've been through.  She might be appalled at the idea of you missing out on your dream vacation because of her.  I know if I were her, that's how I would feel, but the danger comes in assuming you KNOW how someone might be feeling.  So give her a chance to tell you.  Maybe the two of you could come up with a plan that works for you both.  I would just hate to see whichever decision you made ending in regret.