Introduction

Clearly they're staring at you because you're the most attractive young lady to show up and their BP is going up with you in the room!!

OK I'm a bit older than you, but I can assure you I'd have loved it if you'd been in my unit, because I was very much the youngest for a good deal of the time in my unit (every so often we would get a "newbie" pass through that might be in their 20's or 30's which was both sad-for them- and fleeting). I can understand thus some of what you feel because I found it difficult to relate to many of the older patients, and actually spent more time hanging out with the nurses and staff. I think they liked me too because I had more of a spark than chatted with them etc whereas many of the other patients wouldn't. I actually valued that social interaction.

Nobody can answer those "why me?" questions? I wonder myself. Much like "why do nice guys come last?" I suppose it is our lot in life. For whatever reasns it is our challenge. I absolutely feel for you. Nobody should have to deal with this disease, but at 25, and for the second time... this is definitely not fair. My heart would break when we would see a 20 year old come in having to do dialysis. Me, I'm almost middle aged (shudder!) but I feel I've done OK for myself, but barely out of school and having to deal with that? That's cruel.

I will say one thing, which probably won't help the way you feel, but in a way when I look at my own experiences with kidney failure, dialysis etc that I can honestly say that in some ways coming through this has changed me as a person - and for the better I mean. For example 10-15 years ago I was way more selfish, perhaps arrogant, not that interested in helping others and wrapped up in my own world. Now I feel I am more generous, considerate of others, try to not sweat the small things in life, live more for the moment and take opportunities when they arise, and so on. Believe it or not I've even become more social and less worried about what others think of me and stuff. I'm not trying to say I've become a Saint or anything - hell anyone here would tell you that's not true!

but I think had I not had these experiences and seem some of the stuff I've seen on my journey, that I would not have grown into the sort of person I am today.

I try to not get angry at stuff I can't change. i was born with poor eyesight and that has always limited me with stuff I wanted to do like play sport, drive, etc not to mention getting a date (ha!) but like the kidney thing I just can't do anything about that. That's life. I try, instead, to focus on the positives I have and making the most of them. When I was on dialysis I saw it as keeping me going so i could live my life and do the things I wanted as much as I could while waiting for transplant. Even when I was stable on dialysis, yeah it had it's restrictions and so on, but I still worked, and could be social with people etc (still couldn't get a date though !!). The point is I tried to not focus on how dialysis and kidney failure was screwing up my life, but how the best to make the most of it.

Don't for a minute think that I'm saying it's not right to be angry or anything like that. Trust me, there have been times where I've been totally singing that tune, but I do try to not dwell on the stuff I have no control over, and instead work on what I do.

Hang in there, and welcome to IHD!